Feeling insecure about her past....

[NorCalDave]

So, my story has been on "Second Chances" and "Coping"...basically, I have been in love with a woman 20 years older than me (I'm 28, she's now 49) for the past 3 years, ever since we met. We have dated for two different 6 month intervals, but both times she has left me to return to her millionaire ex, who she had relied on financially for so long. Well, the last breakup was in January '07, and since then, we have alternated between no contact and friendship.

Now, after about a month of no contact, we are back in contact and seeing each other again. Her ex, who was trying to get her back for the past 3 years, has become tired of her crap and now doesn't want her back anymore.

She is a hairstylist and makes hardly any money, so life is hard for her because she's always relied on her ex's money.

She was basically one of those "trophy" girlfriends to the couple rich boyfriends she had...she's stunningly attractive....she never married or had kids and keeps in great shape, which is what initially attracted her to me. We met at the gym 3 years ago.

Anyways, we have talked, and defined our relationship now as "courting"...and "building it up"...we are not sleeping with each other but we work out together, go on dates, flirt, talk on the phone, and are basically just trying to enjoy each other as friends without sex getting in the way. It always seems to complicate things.

 

So. I totally love her, but she tells me stories of her past all the time. Just last night she was telling me how she used to participate in bikini contests and she shows me all these pics of her in all these skimpy outfits....and I know she was raped a few times and had a few abortions...painful stuff....she is alot more conservative now, and very much changed and spiritual, which I love about her.

But I can't help but think about her past in which she was objectified for her body and used by these rich men. It makes me sick.

I love her the way she is now...she still dresses, looks and acts sexy, but she isn't trashy or slutty looking....she looks classy and sexy....but in her past when she was drinking she had guys videotape her without her knowing while they had sex with her while she was passed out....she won these bikini contests and her boyfriend asked her to do a 3some(which she passed on) but hearing all these things makes me feel so insecure inside, and just ****ty.

I know the past doesn't matter and it's all about the present and future, but still I can't help but feel stupid and a bit naive about her past.

Even when we work out at the gym and she's got cleavage hanging out, I feel a bit insecure because I know guys stare at her, undress her with their eyes and basically still objectify her. It annoys me.

 

Does anyone else feel weird like this? When hearing of your partner's past or even the present?

[dbtmarley]

Wow.... I feel like I was looking in the mirror when I was reading your story. Dude I have been guilty of what you've described.

 

If you are anything like I was nothing they told you seemed acceptable.

 

If you are familiar with Chris Rock the comedian, he had this to say in one of his comedy routines:

 

"Why do guys ask their women about their past. Regardless of their answer it will not be acceptable. If a guy asks a woman how many men she slept with and she answers one... the guy will think, Damn what a slut it must be your upbringing!"

 

I know this is not necessarily your situation, but I bet you wonder about that too.

 

In my situation my fears were driven by my insecurities and I think this is what is happening to you. You are not a millionaire and if she does not have a problem with it then neither should you.

 

Chances are during the days when she was doing the things she described the two of you probably did not know each other. At 20 weren't you boinking someone else?

 

As far as the guys undressing her at the gym with their eyes.. She is attractive and she is going to be admired. Would it make you feel better if you had a woman guys would not care to look at?

 

You need to get past this... Is she the one for you? Maybe, maybe not but you sure won't find out if you let your insecurities control your thoughts.

[NorCalDave]

Wow.... I feel like I was looking in the mirror when I was reading your story. Dude I have been guilty of what you've described.

 

If you are anything like I was nothing they told you seemed acceptable.

 

If you are familiar with Chris Rock the comedian, he had this to say in one of his comedy routines:

 

"Why do guys ask their women about their past. Regardless of their answer it will not be acceptable. If a guy asks a woman how many men she slept with and she answers one... the guy will think, Damn what a slut it must be your upbringing!"

 

I know this is not necessarily your situation, but I bet you wonder about that too.

 

In my situation my fears were driven by my insecurities and I think this is what is happening to you. You are not a millionaire and if she does not have a problem with it then neither should you.

 

Chances are during the days when she was doing the things she described the two of you probably did not know each other. At 20 weren't you boinking someone else?

 

As far as the guys undressing her at the gym with their eyes.. She is attractive and she is going to be admired. Would it make you feel better if you had a woman guys would not care to look at?

 

You need to get past this... Is she the one for you? Maybe, maybe not but you sure won't find out if you let your insecurities control your thoughts.

 

 

Wow, very good feedback. I guess you can relate to how I'm feeling.

Yeah, when she was doing all that stuff, I was living my life too and having sex with other women....it's just that we for some reason never talk about my past, it's usually about her past and all the things she did....maybe I feel insecure because her past boyfriends have been super rich and I am not rich. I make decent money, but not the kind she's used to. Not the kind where I can afford to support her, which I would love to be able to do, because that would mean she is my woman.

She only ran back to her ex because he can support her. She loves him but not romantically...she just wanted to settle down with someone who can take care of her....she's getting older and doesn't make much money, and wants to feel secure. I totally understand how she feels. I guarantee if I was loaded she would have no hesitation with being with me.

All this insecurity is all connected. It's like a domino effect. She wants security and stability, and she needs this from her man. She sees me as younger and unable to provide for her, so she goes back to her ex. When she realizes that she isn't happy with him, and misses me, she comes back to me. But then she's with me, but broke, so she's not happy.

So she doesn't ever fully commit to me. Which makes me feel insecure. Then throw in the fact that everywhere we go she gets attention and stares from men, and this adds to my insecurity.

So I have to deal with the fact that I'm not rich, that she hesitates to fully commit, and every man out there wants her.

Maybe I am insecure inside that some older rich guy will come scoop her up.

But it also just makes me sad knowing that she's had this whole life and all these experiences in which she was objectified.....all these things together and how can I not be insecure?

I will back off for a while and then we miss each other and get back into contact and then we are in the same position again. It's like this huge cycle of insecurity.

Don't get me wrong, I am not insecure all the time, I look great and can pretty much get my pick of the litter, but I want to be with her because we get along so well and I am soooo attracted to her.

I just wish I had more $$$ to support her, which would allow her to commit to me, which would help tremendously with my insecurities....

...I am trying harder to make more $$, and don't get me wrong she's not the golddigger type, she just wants and needs to be with a man who can support her. Some women are just like that.

If I knew she was mine, I probably wouldn't care who looked at her or what she did in the past, because she's with me NOW.

I guess it's all connected.

And yes, I would rather have men desire her than not desire her, but it gets annoying knowing that every guy that pretty much lays eyes on her is thinking dirty thoughts. But she might be feeling that way about the girls who look at me, who knows......

[che_jesse]

she's not the golddigger type

 

Yes she is. Someone that wont stop sleeping with someone that she does not love for money is the very definition of a golddigger (in the very least).

 

In all honesty I think you need to have sex.

 

I guarantee you that if she meets another rich guy thats older then you she will leave you for him, there is a reason she wont put her boobs away at the gym.

 

Stop putting up with this, where is your self respect?

 

Hit it, get it out of your system and move on.

 

 

[NorCalDave]

 

 

Yes she is. Someone that wont stop sleeping with someone that she does not love for money is the very definition of a golddigger (in the very least).

 

 

 

In all honesty I think you need to have sex.

 

 

 

I guarantee you that if she meets another rich guy thats older then you she will leave you for him, there is a reason she wont put her boobs away at the gym.

 

 

 

Stop putting up with this, where is your self respect?

 

 

 

Hit it, get it out of your system and move on.

 

 

She doesn't want to have sex with me right now. On Sunday she said, "We are friends for now. We should do it the healthy way and court each other and build it up."

Whatever that means.

You may be right, but she has had many opportunites to be with other older rich men, and she turns them all away.

She only seems to fluctuate between her ex and I.

With her ex, she has security, comfort, stability, and a friend. But not really romance and chemical attraction.

With me, she has chemical attraction, romance, and an exciting age difference. But not the security and financial stability that she seems to yearn for.

At this point in her life it seems she's hormonal and not as sexual as she once was, and sex is not as important to her as security and $$ stability.

 

So, this is why she keeps me on the "friend" tip, and hints that we could work back to a relationship.

But she might just be hinting at a future relationship just to keep me on board with her because maybe she is lonely.

 

I don't know, I want to stay in this with her to work towards a future relationship, but I sense that might not be in the works.

But then again she has had SOOO many opportunities to be with other older rich (really rich) guys and she hasn't taken up with any of them.

Trust me, she has her pick of the litter. Absolutely. But she seems generally not interested in sex or starting another relationship.

Who knows what will happen.

[dbtmarley]

She doesn't want to have sex with me right now. On Sunday she said, "We are friends for now. We should do it the healthy way and court each other and build it up."

Whatever that means.

You may be right, but she has had many opportunities to be with other older rich men, and she turns them all away.

She only seems to fluctuate between her ex and I.

With her ex, she has security, comfort, stability, and a friend. But not really romance and chemical attraction.

With me, she has chemical attraction, romance, and an exciting age difference. But not the security and financial stability that she seems to yearn for.

At this point in her life it seems she's hormonal and not as sexual as she once was, and sex is not as important to her as security and $$ stability.

 

So, this is why she keeps me on the "friend" tip, and hints that we could work back to a relationship.

But she might just be hinting at a future relationship just to keep me on board with her because maybe she is lonely.

 

I don't know, I want to stay in this with her to work towards a future relationship, but I sense that might not be in the works.

But then again she has had SOOO many opportunities to be with other older rich (really rich) guys and she hasn't taken up with any of them.

Trust me, she has her pick of the litter. Absolutely. But she seems generally not interested in sex or starting another relationship.

Who knows what will happen.

 

After reading this second post of yours I have to wonder how healthy this could possibly be for you. She must not be too emotionally tied to you if she can up and leave you for a few dollars. I mean these guys obviously are not making her life stable with any permanence, hence why she is back and forth. Why would you want to be a part of that?

[Ripples]

Oops, I think we have a IW/IP relationship going on here.

 

She may be great and everything, but until she learns to give herself security, she's never going to be happy. If someone can give her money, a home, pay the bills, they can just as easily take them away too and she'll always be living on a knife edge with someone like that.

 

The healthiest thing for her is to learn to create her own secure environment, live within her means and accept that what she has is good enough and that she doesn't need a man to validate her life or give her the security she's looking for. She may only be a stylist, but it's a decent enough job and without children to provide for, she should be financially ok.

 

But check out your own position with her, too. It really sounds as though she's using you as the person to bitch to, to comfort her, until it's time for her to run back to the ex.

 

Time for her to piss or get off the pot, methinks

[NorCalDave]

quote=dbtmarley;1223314]After reading this second post of yours I have to wonder how healthy this could possibly be for you. She must not be too emotionally tied to you if she can up and leave you for a few dollars. I mean these guys obviously are not making her life stable with any permanence, hence why she is back and forth. Why would you want to be a part of that?

 

 

I have read a book called "Emotionally Unavailable", and basically, because of many factors, she is totally unavailable emotionally. Which is why alot of her relationships with men and women are wishy washy and inconsistent. Sometimes off, sometimes on. I am just one of the people who try to reach her but she can't seem to be reached. It is very frustrating, but I love her, so I am trying to help, but sometimes it seems hopeless.

[NorCalDave]

Oops, I think we have a IW/IP relationship going on here.

 

She may be great and everything, but until she learns to give herself security, she's never going to be happy. If someone can give her money, a home, pay the bills, they can just as easily take them away too and she'll always be living on a knife edge with someone like that.

 

The healthiest thing for her is to learn to create her own secure environment, live within her means and accept that what she has is good enough and that she doesn't need a man to validate her life or give her the security she's looking for. She may only be a stylist, but it's a decent enough job and without children to provide for, she should be financially ok.

 

But check out your own position with her, too. It really sounds as though she's using you as the person to bitch to, to comfort her, until it's time for her to run back to the ex.

 

Time for her to piss or get off the pot, methinks

 

Interesting. I am going to read up on the ladder theory.

And I agree about her needing to live within her means. She goes on these shopping sprees and buys shoes and clothes and sunglasses and then comes home and realizes she doesn't want half the stuff so she returns half of it a few days later. She kind of treats her men the same way. One month she wants her rich ex back, and the next month she's all interested in me.

I have never met someone so wishy-washy. But like I said, I have a soft spot for her and totally love her, so it's tough to walk away.

But I think she is just using me to bitch to until her ex decides to come back and support her again. But, if he does come back, like you said, if someone can give her all that stuff, someone can take it away too.

And that's what's happened before with them.

She'll take him back, and then he pays for her car insurance, credit cards, helps with rent, buys her food, etc....then when she decides she isn't totally happy with him and feels suffocated and controlled, and misses me, she pushes him away, and he leaves, but then asks for his $$ back.

She, of course, doesn't have enough to pay him back, so he uses that asa guilt trip and manipulates her and threatens to sue her in small claims court and stuff.

Drama.

So, she'll be single for a while, and realize she can't cut it on her stylist salary, and will want him back....BUT...this time, HE rejected HER. He said, no, we can be friends, but not in a relationship because she's more of a financial burden than anything.

So, it's like this cycle with her.

All she wants to do is not have to work anymore. She wants to travel and volunteer, but she'll NEVER be able to do any of that on her salary.

So, she will need a rich man to take care of her...but she's emotionally unavailable and commitmentphobic and relationships cause her to squirm, so I have no idea how this woman is ever going to get what she wants.

I have been helping her here and there but I get nothing out of the deal.

Everything's always about her.

I am just going to keep my distance for a while.

I don't want to be her "in between" guy.

[Adam]

Hey Dave i was just seeing how you were doing...i havent heard from you in awhile. I was reading this and we still got the same situation going on. I didnt talk to my ex for a week and she wrote in a blog that pretty much said she missed me and didnt understand why i wasnt calling or texting. So we hung out after that and had a good day til the end of the night when i think i screwed up a bit and pushed the relationship issue. She said she couldnt be with me cause she didnt trust me (crying through it all) and she likes being single cause she doesnt have to awnser to anyone and she has a fake id and goes to all these bars now underage shes 20. So i take her back to her house and we kiss like 3 times (i was suprised) then that was that...now 2 days later i text her "lets go have lunch..no reply...later that night..text again..nohting...i see her on Instant Messager and she talks to me briefly, she said she was busy working all day, she wants to go to bed now, i say well maybe we can hang out tomorrow she says shes busy so i said ok maybe in a few days and she says all you do is make me cry. So i left her alone for a day, then today i texted her and wanted to know if she wanted to go to a concert, and she text back sorry im busy the next few days...now i dont know if i maybe did something or now that im back on her heals and shes knows it shes taking me for granted again, or if theres someone else...but i just dont know what to do. I hate that 3 weeks ago she was all about me and now its like yeah whenever attitude AGAIN!

[ridingthebulls]

She is a lot older so she has tons more experiences with life and sex etc and especially knowing that she has been with rich powerful men in the past, so it doesn't surprise me one would find themselves insecure. But really, what has this woman accomplished in life other than sleeping with rich men? If I were her, I'm thinking I would feel insecure as well because I am getting older and the rich men no longer feel it beneficial to have me in their lives... not to mention that she is 49 and has not much to show for it. Is she even interested in you? She seems too caught up with her looks and money and you seem to caught up in her looks like the previous rich men to really know what's going on or her motives.You have to deal with the fact that the only reason she might commit to you is ONLY because the rich guy REJECTED her. You are like getting sloppy seconds or would be considered the rebound guy.

[NorCalDave]

Hey Dave i was just seeing how you were doing...i havent heard from you in awhile. I was reading this and we still got the same situation going on. I didnt talk to my ex for a week and she wrote in a blog that pretty much said she missed me and didnt understand why i wasnt calling or texting. So we hung out after that and had a good day til the end of the night when i think i screwed up a bit and pushed the relationship issue. She said she couldnt be with me cause she didnt trust me (crying through it all) and she likes being single cause she doesnt have to awnser to anyone and she has a fake id and goes to all these bars now underage shes 20. So i take her back to her house and we kiss like 3 times (i was suprised) then that was that...now 2 days later i text her "lets go have lunch..no reply...later that night..text again..nohting...i see her on Instant Messager and she talks to me briefly, she said she was busy working all day, she wants to go to bed now, i say well maybe we can hang out tomorrow she says shes busy so i said ok maybe in a few days and she says all you do is make me cry. So i left her alone for a day, then today i texted her and wanted to know if she wanted to go to a concert, and she text back sorry im busy the next few days...now i dont know if i maybe did something or now that im back on her heals and shes knows it shes taking me for granted again, or if theres someone else...but i just dont know what to do. I hate that 3 weeks ago she was all about me and now its like yeah whenever attitude AGAIN!

 

 

Adam,

It sounds like you need to back off for however long it takes.

Once you get no reply, you should stop.

I have learned this.

It's frustrating because all you want is a response, but I would say to leave her be....she's obviously busy with whatever else, so let her be busy and eventually she will miss you and gain interest again when you back off.

I've been on that merry go round so I know!

[NorCalDave]

She is a lot older so she has tons more experiences with life and sex etc and especially knowing that she has been with rich powerful men in the past, so it doesn't surprise me one would find themselves insecure. But really, what has this woman accomplished in life other than sleeping with rich men? If I were her, I'm thinking I would feel insecure as well because I am getting older and the rich men no longer feel it beneficial to have me in their lives... not to mention that she is 49 and has not much to show for it. Is she even interested in you? She seems too caught up with her looks and money and you seem to caught up in her looks like the previous rich men to really know what's going on or her motives.You have to deal with the fact that the only reason she might commit to you is ONLY because the rich guy REJECTED her. You are like getting sloppy seconds or would be considered the rebound guy.

 

 

Well, now she is living with me because the rich guy rejected her and she couldn't afford to live by herself anymore.

The 3rd day she was here I asked her what were the chances we could get back together and she said she didn't know...but she did know she thought I was too young and she's not looking for a relationship right now.

I told her she was just willing to commit to this older rich guy, but now she's all of a sudden not interested in a relationship?

Her reply was that "part of me still loves Jim", so...whatever.....she still loves a guy who she has no physical attraction to, who she has already left FOR ME, who simply is comfortable for her and has the $$ to take care of her.

So we argued and I got no where. It just made it clear that she is not looking for a relationship with me.

Apparently she doesn't plan on dating anyone and would never bring any man home to the house, but who knows what will happen.

We get along fine but there is this constant sexual tension- for me, at least.

I don't understand how she just loses her physical desire for sex.

She said she doesn't desire it. Period. Maybe her hormones are just shot.

It can't be me because I actually look BETTER than I did when we first met- when she couldn't keep her hands off me.

Maybe BECAUSE I look better, and she feels/looks older, maybe that makes her feel insecure.

Who knows.

All I know is, pathetically, I am still in love with a woman who is apparently not in love with me...and now we're housemates....