fallenangel02 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Hi, i am new here. I discovered my husband cheating about 6 months ago. online cyber. i thought at first it was just this one time while i was away..but turned out he has been doing this for long while. we havebeen married for one year and have a son. when i confronted him he yelled at me..saying i made him do it. he lied to me constantly. would tell me everything only admited what i caught him with. i knew the ids of girls he talked and how long he voice chatted. but he denied...i had prove..but didnt show it to him. didnt need to...he knew he was lying and so did i. i told him whenever u want to come to me and tell me everything...come..i will be there to listen. and so far he hasnt. he todl this to his family that he did this..and he was sorry..and i was just not accepting it...and how i was soo mentally unstable..and crazy....and i am making things up...and i am the worst wife ever....and since he said sorry i shud forget and move on. i cried alot...i cried for days non stop....and he called up everyone that i have gone mad...am in deep depression...and am crying like crazy....would not take care of our son...and all that. everyone believed him that i am putting him thru so much crap...and he said sorry..what more can he do. he has told everything.so i shud forget it. i refused to talk to anyone..cause everyone sided with him..he brainwashed them in believing i am crazy. anyhow...i have stayed cuz of our son...and he has not told me everything....and blames everything on me. we havent talked about it in long while. he has been very nice to me...been hleping me around alot...is so much more patient. somehow yesterday...everything just came into my mind....and i cried all day long while he was at work....i wondered why did he doi t. if he did it..why couldnt he be honest with me....why did he just sat there....and continued lying...while i stood there....trembling ...shaking...holding back tears....why did he make a mockery out of me. why did he bad mouth me in front of everyone..when i had done NOTHING wrong. he knows it d*mn well. why didnt he realize if i was crying it was cuzi was so much hurt...that i loved him wiht a pure heart....trusted him blindly... it was a very bad yesterday....and i just felt whats wrong with me? i have been okay for last several weeks...no fights...nothing...why did this all come back to me out of the blue. am i really crazy...? why am i crying so hysterically? i trustly felt that i am crazy..cuz he has brainwashed me in believing it so...andi am so afraid of bringing this up again with him..cuz he will call up his paernts and my family and say...she is doing this all over again..she is asking me same questions that i hav answered. she is still crying.....she is in depression...what does she want...she is mentally unstable... so before he came back from work...i just pretended everythign was okay...when i just felt it wasnt. i am afraid..i will go thru all teh pain all over again....he will present me as psycho to everyone and i will be all alone...crying...for days...imagine he fooled my family into believing i was acting mental...i came to know the true nature of my parents and siblings as well....never felt so lonely in my life...he did all this knowningly....he was happy attention is noton him but me. no matter how much i tried telling everyone he was lying.lying lying..they all said...it was a mistake he made...he said sorry..what more can he do? what is the use in asking for details.... i am trying to become more independant..will go back to school and get updated.
Melissa277 Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Hi, i am new here. I discovered my husband cheating about 6 months ago. online cyber. i thought at first it was just this one time while i was away..but turned out he has been doing this for long while. we havebeen married for one year and have a son. when i confronted him he yelled at me..saying i made him do it. he lied to me constantly. would tell me everything only admited what i caught him with. i knew the ids of girls he talked and how long he voice chatted. but he denied...i had prove..but didnt show it to him. didnt need to...he knew he was lying and so did i. i told him whenever u want to come to me and tell me everything...come..i will be there to listen. and so far he hasnt. he todl this to his family that he did this..and he was sorry..and i was just not accepting it...and how i was soo mentally unstable..and crazy....and i am making things up...and i am the worst wife ever....and since he said sorry i shud forget and move on. i cried alot...i cried for days non stop....and he called up everyone that i have gone mad...am in deep depression...and am crying like crazy....would not take care of our son...and all that. everyone believed him that i am putting him thru so much crap...and he said sorry..what more can he do. he has told everything.so i shud forget it. i refused to talk to anyone..cause everyone sided with him..he brainwashed them in believing i am crazy. anyhow...i have stayed cuz of our son...and he has not told me everything....and blames everything on me. we havent talked about it in long while. he has been very nice to me...been hleping me around alot...is so much more patient. somehow yesterday...everything just came into my mind....and i cried all day long while he was at work....i wondered why did he doi t. if he did it..why couldnt he be honest with me....why did he just sat there....and continued lying...while i stood there....trembling ...shaking...holding back tears....why did he make a mockery out of me. why did he bad mouth me in front of everyone..when i had done NOTHING wrong. he knows it d*mn well. why didnt he realize if i was crying it was cuzi was so much hurt...that i loved him wiht a pure heart....trusted him blindly... it was a very bad yesterday....and i just felt whats wrong with me? i have been okay for last several weeks...no fights...nothing...why did this all come back to me out of the blue. am i really crazy...? why am i crying so hysterically? i trustly felt that i am crazy..cuz he has brainwashed me in believing it so...andi am so afraid of bringing this up again with him..cuz he will call up his paernts and my family and say...she is doing this all over again..she is asking me same questions that i hav answered. she is still crying.....she is in depression...what does she want...she is mentally unstable... so before he came back from work...i just pretended everythign was okay...when i just felt it wasnt. i am afraid..i will go thru all teh pain all over again....he will present me as psycho to everyone and i will be all alone...crying...for days...imagine he fooled my family into believing i was acting mental...i came to know the true nature of my parents and siblings as well....never felt so lonely in my life...he did all this knowningly....he was happy attention is noton him but me. no matter how much i tried telling everyone he was lying.lying lying..they all said...it was a mistake he made...he said sorry..what more can he do? what is the use in asking for details.... i am trying to become more independant..will go back to school and get updated. I'm sorry you are in such pain. And it is NOT your fault no matter what H says. It is 100% his fault if he is cheating. I don't mean to criticize him, but he sounds like a total jackass. He seems to be in denial over his actions and telling the family that you are crazy, making things up and a bad wife is his way of trying to make himself look good by putting the blame on you and putting you down. I don't know what to tell you other than you must take care of yourself and your son. Did you mean that your family is taking his side and that you don't have their support? Again, I'm sorry if that is the case. Do you have a good friend that you can confide in? You really need to talk to someone that you trust. As for your crying breakdown, that's happened to me many times since D-day. I'll just be sitting here and something will trigger it and it all comes pouring out ... again for the 10 millionth time. I completely understand. Please, take care of yourself. The people here at LS are great as most have been through the terrible pain you're going through. So, if you need to talk ... we're here.
Melovator Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Dear fallenangel02, This is classic emotional abuse- isolating you from YOUR family and friends when you need their support. He is the one with the problem, not you. Get some counselling for yourself, keep yourself together as hard as it is because I've got alram bells ringing "Parental alientation" he said you would 'not take care of your son' what else has been saying to people? Just because you are having a screwed up reaction to a screwed up situation does not make you mental- it makes you emotionally fragile but NORMAL. I repeat again get counselling- contact your local women's health service (if you have one where you live- don't know what its like in the rest of the world- but we've got some good ones where I am) and see what's available in your area. And yes! Go back to school, upgrade your skills, think about yourself and your son and be strong for the both of you. If you fall apart he gets what he wants- no responsibility, its not his fault. Find the tools you need to help you get through this because you will be stronger afterwards and then when you're living your kick ass life and you and your son are happy, no one's going to be able to question your mental state. If people ask tell them "I'm going through a really hard time at the moment but I know I'll be okay, I ahve a beautiful son, a beautiful heart a brain that works and I'm in charge of my own life". You do that and he'll look like the psycho
believinZ Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Crying is a very positive thing. It helps to cleanse the heart of pain even if only for a moment. Tears are there for a reason do NOT let anyone allow anyone to make you feel that your tears are not valid... they are. I validate them for you... everyone here at LS I am sure will validate them for you. They are necessary... they do not signify weakness or craziness...TEARS are a sign of strength and compassion. Listen to your intuition... be true to your wisdom, find someone to talk to (here, professionally, a friend, God, etc...). I have a personal shrink (I like saying that it makes me feel like the rich and famous) and it is so nice to have someone to talk to who is sort of outside of it all...anyhow, most of all just allow yourself to be where it is you are at any given moment of any given day... I hope this helps a little bit...I understand your pain all too well and I send you virtual hugs for support and strength! z.
Lynna Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 How can he treat you like that! He is being controlling and manipulative, that is NOT the way that you treat someone you love. That is emotional abuse! I know you love him, but he clearly does NOT love you otherwise he would NEVER treat you that way. You should take your child and get out of there. Don't let him treat you that way! Go back to school and start a fresh. You deserve way better than this!
Lizzie60 Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Take your son and move out... This guy is a controlling, abusive jerk. You are even starting to believe you're crazy...this is insane... this is typical of an abuser... making you believe it's all your fault... blablabla... Get out, it's not too late... he will eventually destroy even that tiny bit of confidence you have if you stay. STAY STRONG... that loser doesn't deserve you!
Melissa277 Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Hey FA, I just want you to know that I totally agree everyone. I was trying to be sensitive to your feelings in my post... you just sounded so damn sad, and though I was definitely feelin' you, I didn't want to upset you even more. However, after reading the posts from all the rest I realized that they're all right. Please, please, do not take any more bull crap from this guy. I know you love him, but it's not worth the hurt and pain he is putting you through. I called him a jerk, but he's really an insensitve bully who is playing you. You are not crazy. He is. You need to protect you son and yourself.
Author fallenangel02 Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 Thank u everyone last night i asked him if he recently chatted with girls n he goes yes. i just said okay and went to sleeep. i didnt want to run after him for answers . i did that last time and got all lies. this time he thinks i know everything and i really dont. ah well...he can do whatever .i m enrolling in univ.i think i f i leave him i ll have hard time financially. so i ll just spending his money:) andf complete my education...my son will be older and i can work , be independant. dont know how this weekend will go . am pretending this doesnt me one bit and i m happy with my son. i will ignore him and see iif he comes to me on his own and tells what hes been upto. prev. i caught all his emails with a girl he cybered. dont know how long hes been doing it...he has lots of email accounts and says i changed thier passwords to something i dont remember...i ll never use it again. well he made 2 new acounts...i m not saying to him what i know n i dont. i ll wait and see what he tells me..
Melovator Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 ah well...he can do whatever .i m enrolling in univ.i think i f i leave him i ll have hard time financially. so i ll just spending his money:) andf complete my education...my son will be older and i can work , be independant. dont know how this weekend will go . am pretending this doesnt me one bit and i m happy with my son. i will ignore him and see iif he comes to me on his own and tells what hes been upto. prev. i caught all his emails with a girl he cybered. dont know how long hes been doing it...he has lots of email accounts and says i changed thier passwords to something i dont remember...i ll never use it again. well he made 2 new acounts...i m not saying to him what i know n i dont. i ll wait and see what he tells me.. No, you're not just 'spending his money' you're upgrading your capacity to be a better mother in a financial sense so that you don't have to depend on an emotionally retarded f**knut to provide for you and your son's needs. It's supposed to be his job to help you be the best mother he can if can't do it emotionally don't you feel bad for getting it financially- that includes paying for your therapy. This guy clearly is twisted- can't deal with his real emotional life, so goes on-line where he doesn't have to be his stupid self and can be king stud. Don't give him the satisfaction of finding out what you do and don't know, just smile mysteriously and count to ten if he tries to amp up emotional scenes- just ask him "So what's really bothering you then?" Take the wind out of his sails. The problem is that idiots like this are quite often clever, or at least they can deoderise their bulls**t so that they smell like roses. Take care of yourself and your son, confide in an family member or friend who has an ounce of nouse- there's always one in each family/ group of friends with the ability to smell a lie. Keep a diarya nd keep it hidden from him, write down what is happening so you can validate your own reality. Start stashing money away in an account he doesn't know about- a couple of bucks here and there will make a difference by the time you finish your degree. Please take care of yourself, please tell some people what is happening- your doctor is a good one to tell, if you keep yourself isolated he has more of an opportunity to mess with your reality- don't give him those opportunities. Let yourself cry when you need to because it is hard and soemtimes too much to bear. Take care.
Author fallenangel02 Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Update: I did register for some univ. classes online:) I did go out shopping and bought some expensive items. I had not been talking to him much since he said he has gone on chat....so finally he goes..whats wrong...you are giving me attitude....i just smiled and said...what would be wrong? why would i give u attitude? everythign is fine he goes...yeah you asked me if i went on chat..since then u have been quiet...you fought with me so i went...you have a profile on facebook...i never said anything....(which by the way is always open and i keep my account logged on...i let him access it...) i was just smiled...it was a stupid comparison even he knew it..but i didnt validate his question by answering it... then i told him today i want to shop...and i did. he goes r u doign this cause you are mad? again..i said why would be mad..everythingis fine:) he goes no...you never shopped like this..so i said yes today i want to buy somethign for myself...i havent in such a long time...is there somethign wrong with that...? he geos no...but you are crazy...and you are doing this in madness....i said ohhh..when i want to buy somethign for myself you will call me crazy and mad? he goes no no i didnt say that..i am like yes u did...why is it a big deal that i am shopping...? you can say no and i wont..he goes no shop all you want...just dont do it out of being mad...i was like i am not mad..i am very happy so now he thinks that since i spent alot of money...i have no reason to be mad at his chatting...that this is my way of dealing with it... anyhow just wanted to update...first time when i found out..i was all over the place...suicidal even...when he turned the whole world against me..and isolated me in darkness...this time...i am calm...and happy... last night i was teasing him...sarcastically...and he started pinching me..so i said ...if u leave a mark on me...watch what i do...and everytime he pinched i screamed loudly..and i told him i am doing it...so the neighbours hearit..and if something happens in future..they will be able to tell that they heard my screaming since that statement..he hastn said a SINGLE WORD to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....but he is aware that i am planning something... i did call one of my frends. and he doesnt know about it. otherwise he would blame everything on her..that sh ewants our marraige to break and sh eis telling me to do allt his...and since he knows i dont talk to anyone...except my family...he geos who is telling u to do al this shopping....is it the neighbours i am even afraid at times topost on this forum as if he ever found out..all hell will break lose..he will announce to everyone how i go online and talk bad about him...for sympathy...and how u guys have been telling me to levae him....and i am being influenced in such a way...blah blah blah...he will do anything to convince himself that he has done nothing wrong...and pick things like these to make me look bad ... i was thinking of going to counseling..but again am afraid he will tell everyone that indeed i am depressed and crazy thats y i need a shrink..and when we fight he will blame say oh ur therapist tells u to do all this...she wants u to divorce me...go ahead follow her advice...
Melovator Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I did register for some univ. classes online:) I did go out shopping and bought some expensive items. Good for you! Work towards a future where you can take care of yourself financially and emotionally. I had not been talking to him much since he said he has gone on chat....so finally he goes..whats wrong...you are giving me attitude....i just smiled and said...what would be wrong? why would i give u attitude? everythign is fine He should be lucky he's not getting attitude... he geos no...but you are crazy...and you are doing this in madness....i said ohhh..when i want to buy somethign for myself you will call me crazy and mad? he goes no no i didnt say that..i am like yes u did...why is it a big deal that i am shopping...? you can say no and i wont..he goes no shop all you want...just dont do it out of being mad...i was like i am not mad..i am very happy You are not crazy- don't let him believe you are. This is another attempt to manipulate you- if you don't behave how he wants you to then you're nuts- no you have boundaries and are not putting up with his crap. I don't think any other person on earth is going to think that a woman wanting to shop in an emotional crisis is crazy- in fact most people would reccommend some sensible retail therapy (ie don't screw up your credit rating becuse that won't make you feel better) so now he thinks that since i spent alot of money...i have no reason to be mad at his chatting...that this is my way of dealing with it... I rather cynically suggest that if he's feeling that way then you use that to set yourself up for a new future. last night i was teasing him...sarcastically...and he started pinching me..so i said ...if u leave a mark on me...watch what i do...and everytime he pinched i screamed loudly..and i told him i am doing it...so the neighbours hearit..and if something happens in future..they will be able to tell that they heard my screaming since that statement..he hastn said a SINGLE WORD to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....but he is aware that i am planning something... I'm sorry I found this part confusing... Is he physically abusive? His emotional abuse is bad enough and it is abuse- go online and there's a thousand sites explaining it all. No offence but this last paragraph doesn't sound healthy- if he is physically abusive then you shouldn't have said anything about what you were doing in order to protect yourself, if he's not- you were playing a game with him that isn't very nice. No he isn't nice, but don't bring yourself to his level, that would be crazy behaviour. Ask yourself: Will behaving like this make me a better person? Will I be able to be proud of this action? Yes its bloody hard but at the end of the day the person you have to live with is yourself- not him. You have to look yourself in the mirror. You have to be able to be alone with yourself and be comfortable with who you are. (These questions have stopped me from acting on impulses I shouldn't and are helping me to stick to impulses that I should at the moment) Don't do anything that is going to come back and bite you on the arse! Either legally, or karmically- if you don't believe in karma then think about the wrinkles you'll get because you'll be unhappy with yourself. Sorry to be strident, but you said you were teasing him... that's like poking a pitbull and hoping you can run fast enough. i did call one of my frends. and he doesnt know about it. otherwise he would blame everything on her..that sh ewants our marraige to break and sh eis telling me to do allt his...and since he knows i dont talk to anyone...except my family...he geos who is telling u to do al this shopping....is it the neighbours Because your friends are responsible for his actions? no-one wants their friends relationships to break down, but real friends don't want you to ahve to keep feeling like this and putting up with his crap. He does not want to be responsible for his own actions. Tell him every single TV show and women's magazine tells you to go shopping at the moment... he doesn't like it- go and change society for one where people can make themselves feel better by dealing with their emotional issues rather than shopping or online... i am even afraid at times topost on this forum as if he ever found out..all hell will break lose..he will announce to everyone how i go online and talk bad about him...for sympathy...and how u guys have been telling me to levae him....and i am being influenced in such a way...blah blah blah...he will do anything to convince himself that he has done nothing wrong...and pick things like these to make me look bad ... He has and is doing something wrong. You have a right to seek support to help you deal with HIS issues so youa nd your son can have a good life. Do what you can to protect your on-line and personal safety. Can you use an internet cafe or your local library if that would be safer? i was thinking of going to counseling..but again am afraid he will tell everyone that indeed i am depressed and crazy thats y i need a shrink..and when we fight he will blame say oh ur therapist tells u to do all this...she wants u to divorce me...go ahead follow her advice... Who cares what he tells everyone? If they are stupid enough to beleive him then that's their problem, as much as it can hurt you. You cannot let him stop you from seeking all the help you need to make sure he doesn't drive you crazy. Depression is the most common mental illness in western countries- 20% of the population will experience at least one episode of major depression in their lives. That is one in five people! Are they all crazy? NO!!! It sounds to me like he doesn't want you to be mentally healthy becuse then you might tell him to get f**ked and he doesn't want to lose whatever it is he's getting out of your current situation. HE has the problem- he needs to seek help. If he won't seek help then you need to seek help so you can get through this better than you were before you met him. Your child needs a mentally healthy mother- don't let him sabotage your mental health.
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