Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Cliche, sorry I was posting at the same time as you and didn't see your update. I'm glad you feel better. LS is a great place to post when you need to vent. It is a double edged sword whereby when you have doubts in MM they can be magnified by other peoples stories. Having a talk with your MM will help you, but in my experience it will be short term, and before long those doubts will come seeping back under your skin. Getting him to involve you in progress is great. I'm not sure about markers, as it doesn't sound very organic and isn't a marker just a deadline in disguise? My best advice to you is to keep talking, not to look for constant reassurance but so you can build your trust in him and feel you are working with all of the information available to you.
Scott_W Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 I dont necessarily believe in giving deadlines to other people outside of the workplace basically because it's a control mechanism. And the only person you can ever control in any relationship is yourself. I didn't give my MM a deadline. For me, it was important that he came to his own decision that he wanted to leave. I didnt want to force his hand and then wonder whether he would have finally made a choice. I also did not want his resentment to build up over time - its easy to place blame when you feel forced. I was also conscious that I was so busy dealing with my own inner turmoil that it was easy to relegate his - how could he stay in his M and refuse to acknowledge my pain by not leaving? After all, it was him that was stopping us from being together, Resentment was starting to build up in my feelings. Wow and amen! I totally agree. Ultimatums and deadlines ARE a control thing. Even though you see that sort of advice here frequently. Making HIS decisions - without heavy influence from you - it's very imortant. Sometimes, sweetness, patience, and non-control gets you walked on. But sometimes it makes the other person love you even more deeply. And I think it takes a special person to conciously NOT try to force their way. If he knows you're pulling back from trying to nudge him. But also, that you are still building the courage to end the wait. In my opinion, that says more about you're love than anything else. Like all the others here, I'm offering advice from my experience. I waited 7 years - during which time I frequently did my own way of pushing her. Then one day it was like I woke up to realize that it could be a serious problem for our future if she actually ended her marriage because I forced the issue. Now I can't believe I even tried it. Anyway, once she realized I stopped trying, and also that I decided that I finaly began building my own courage to stop seeing her ... it started a reaction from her - series of her begging for more time, only like nothing ever before. I've read well intentioned opinions that that was just the "selfish bitch" hanging on to her sex object. But no. She loves me! Anyway, she wrongly sensed (as a woman would I suppose) that I must have met someone else. She knew I would be in my right to go find someone else but it was devastating for her. She switched into some higher gear of love and sweet attention as if trying to beat the other girls time. I had a hard time convincing her that I was only trying to do the right thing, finally. Her heightened efforts to keep me from going "no contact" made it harder to really do it. But I finally did. It hurts to miss her and it really hurts to know she's in pain too. She's still probably wondering if I got this "so called" courage because I fell out of love or found someone else. And I know that hurts her even more - but I don't know what to do about that. For me, I'll always believe that she loves me, but lacks what ever it took for her to end her marriage. I can honestly say that I did NOT go NC for the purpose of "bringing her around". I did it, finaly and painfully, because I knew one of us HAD to. Anyway, YOU'RE the one that must make your decisions. But I appreciate your approach to this. And FWIW - I also appreciate Je Ne's sweet incite.
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