Like an idiot, I gave him more time

[Cliche]

to leave...and now I regret it.

 

MM agreed to move out and file the end of June. A week ago, he was just so miserable (not to me directly, but he was totally out of sorts) and said that the time pressure was trying on him, but he wasn't going to break his promise to me. I felt bad. I really love him and I don't like seeing people I love in pain, and I was feeling good seeing some progress so I told him if he needed a little more time to just communicate it to me, and I'd be okay.

 

So today he told me he needed an 3 weeks. And I feel like throwing up. I want so badly to trust him, but by doing this, I now question if in another month, I'm going to get another stall.

 

It was all going so well. He has his roommate set up. I'd be with him and he'd talk to his family and close friends and be talking about his upcoming relocation. All of the secrecy I felt months ago is gone. He answers his phone, comes over whenever I ask him to, never gives me a hard time about staying overnight or going away, has literally stayed with me for 5 days at a time. I've spent more time with his mom and cousin. We were talking about a trip out of state to meet some more of his family members. We had lots of future talk. It felt like a "normal" relationship. I felt confident. But now that he has asked for more time, I'm starting to wonder if he is just like all the rest.

 

I don't feel good. I'm just so damn tired of all of this. I don't want to keep crying. I want this anxiety to go away. I keep thinking about what HAL said that if he loved me, he'd move mountains to be with me. *sigh* Well, I don't see mountains moving right now. Or am I just not looking in the right direction?

[quankanne]

so what's keeping you from telling him that you've thought it over and that you've changed your mind about giving him past June? Just because you feel badly for him, doesn't mean you owe him anything ...

[whichwayisup]

What's the insentive for him? You're making it sooo easy for him to stay by continuing a relationship with him while he's still married and hasn't moved out yet. Why would he really push to change things if he doesn't feel the loss of you NOT in his life.

 

STOP being there so much. Tell him you two won't be having sex anymore, no more sleepovers, hanging out and being a part of his daily life, being around his family UNTIL he moves out completely. Maybe if you disappear out of his life he'll actually MISS you enough to do something about it. He IS stalling and the more time you give him, hold his hand and feel sympathic towards him, the more he'll take advantage of you. (Not in a mean or malcious way, but a more selfish and self serving way, hope that makes sense to you.)

 

This is making you ill, having anxiety, not enjoying life etc. So, stop playing into it, get busy with your friends, family and other hobbies. Don't rely on him for all your happiness. Give him space, time, whatever he needs but PUT A DEADLINE ON IT otherwise it will be another excuse why he can't leave come Halloween or Christmas.

[scaredinlove]

You can push as much as you want and he won't leave until he is ready! Talk to him about your felings and forget about being anxious. Tell him exactly how you feel but don't think by putting pressure he will run out his house. He is unsure,he is on the top of the fence if you push to much he will fall to the other side.

 

Believe me i know this game all very well. Be honest but don't suffer because of HIS decision.Make yours.How long YOU are wanting to wait??????You will fell better that way.Take control of your feelings.

 

Good Luck!

[Cliche]

What's the insentive for him? You're making it sooo easy for him to stay by continuing a relationship with him while he's still married and hasn't moved out yet. Why would he really push to change things if he doesn't feel the loss of you NOT in his life.

 

STOP being there so much. Tell him you two won't be having sex anymore, no more sleepovers, hanging out and being a part of his daily life, being around his family UNTIL he moves out completely. Maybe if you disappear out of his life he'll actually MISS you enough to do something about it. He IS stalling and the more time you give him, hold his hand and feel sympathic towards him, the more he'll take advantage of you. (Not in a mean or malcious way, but a more selfish and self serving way, hope that makes sense to you.)

 

This is making you ill, having anxiety, not enjoying life etc. So, stop playing into it, get busy with your friends, family and other hobbies. Don't rely on him for all your happiness. Give him space, time, whatever he needs but PUT A DEADLINE ON IT otherwise it will be another excuse why he can't leave come Halloween or Christmas.

 

You are so helpful and so compassionate. And I know you're right. I am always so grateful to see you respond to me, WWIU.

 

Geezus, I don't know what is wrong with me? I ended a really awful marriage a few years ago with so much determination and strength. But I can't seem to let go of this and I need to. If he wants me in his life, he'll find a way.

 

But the thought of not having him hurts me so. When the hell did I get so weak?

 

And yes, yes, I'm in therapy. It helps in certain ways, but it sure as hell doesn't stop this pain.

[quankanne]

But the thought of not having him hurts me so. When the hell did I get so weak?

 

that's not weakness, honestly ... I think it of it more as a longing, of wanting. Weakness is to allow him to completely walk all over you without regards to your needs or feelings.

 

just my 2 cents

[messylady]

Cliche, I am so sad at what you are going through, and I am not here to give advice because I am in too much pain myself right now, my mm or should I say ex mm vanished from my life well after DD came and went, I suppose I just wanted you to know you are not alone and my love is with you too x

[sadbuttrue]

cliche, i think you are making progress. maybe more slowly than you would have liked, but progress still.

 

dont give up on him. it sounds like he is trying, which is more than most MM do. maybe you cant see the mountains yet, but i bet they are coming.

 

good luck, i hope it works out for you, and try to stop stressing. i know that is hard, but give yourself a break from the worry and see what happens.

[torranceshipman]

Why 3 weeks? ~That's random.

 

Of course he's out of sorts, he's about to end his M...don't cave and say 'oh poor you' - ending a M would be stressful for anyone - that stress needs to be faced and dealt with - and waiting 3 weeks will just make him dread it more. If you gave him an extra 3 months I'm sure he'd gladly take that too.

 

Plus....he sounds like he's a big fibber, and is too scared to leave, but that's just me (-:

 

You know the other option is to just flat out change your mind, or to say he can't spend any time with you, until the 3 weeks is up and he's ended the M.

[Cliche]

Why 3 weeks? ~That's random.

 

 

I'm sure he wouldn't admit this, but to me it looks like he is creating a ritual to get out...a list of items to check off, and when they're done, he's ready to go. So he has 3 more items on that list, and I guess he figured out the time for that as 3 weeks.

 

You know, if I could just really let go of all of this anxiety and decide whether or not I trust him, this would be easier. If I do, waiting a little more isn't a big deal because I could feel confident in him. That's how I felt the entire last month until this stall. BUT I don't know if I should use this stall against him because he might not have said he wanted more time if I didn't open my big ass mouth and tell him I trusted him, wanted him to be happy and he could take more time.

 

FWIW, I told him in a calm and loving manner that he could have all the time he wants (he tells me that without me, he had an end date of the end of this year to break it off, and he's moving faster to make me happy), but then we'd have to end our current relationship and go back to just being colleagues for that time. He said he didn't want to do that because he needs to make this transition. He has also told me repeatedly that if we need to just be friends while he is working on the end of this, he's fine with that.

 

And I guess if I don't trust him, I really need to do what all of you are saying and suspend the relationship until he's out.

 

And I don't know how I really feel because the damn anxiety is in the way. Geezus, I've started having panic attacks and I haven't had one of those in 10 years. My therapist told me to look at my anxiety as working with me, not against me. And she suggested that maybe I gave him the stall because I'm not ready. Fine. Whatever. She also said that I don't have to have a resolution right now. I guess that would make sense if I could stop being in so much pain every.single.day, but then maybe the point is that I shouldn't be banking my happiness on whether I am or am not in a relationship with him, huh? But I don't know how to do that right now.

 

You know, I just read what I typed. Could I sound any more pathetic? This is all so wrong.

[torranceshipman]

The guy is putting you through so much stress that you are having panic attacks!?! That's SO wrong...

 

I say remove yourself completely for that 3 weeks - you just don't need the rollercoaster. Tell him this is really hurting you and he'll have to understand what incredible stress you are under....you need time out...tell him he's damn lucky to be with someone that'll put up with al this crap.

 

And of course you were the one to offer more time - he was laying a huge guilt trip on you, moping around, being all sad - of course you offered, and he knew you would.

[TogetherForever]

to leave...and now I regret it.

 

MM agreed to move out and file the end of June. A week ago, he was just so miserable (not to me directly, but he was totally out of sorts) and said that the time pressure was trying on him, but he wasn't going to break his promise to me. I felt bad. I really love him and I don't like seeing people I love in pain, and I was feeling good seeing some progress so I told him if he needed a little more time to just communicate it to me, and I'd be okay.

 

So today he told me he needed an 3 weeks. And I feel like throwing up. I want so badly to trust him, but by doing this, I now question if in another month, I'm going to get another stall.

 

It was all going so well. He has his roommate set up. I'd be with him and he'd talk to his family and close friends and be talking about his upcoming relocation. All of the secrecy I felt months ago is gone. He answers his phone, comes over whenever I ask him to, never gives me a hard time about staying overnight or going away, has literally stayed with me for 5 days at a time. I've spent more time with his mom and cousin. We were talking about a trip out of state to meet some more of his family members. We had lots of future talk. It felt like a "normal" relationship. I felt confident. But now that he has asked for more time, I'm starting to wonder if he is just like all the rest.

 

I don't feel good. I'm just so damn tired of all of this. I don't want to keep crying. I want this anxiety to go away. I keep thinking about what HAL said that if he loved me, he'd move mountains to be with me. *sigh* Well, I don't see mountains moving right now. Or am I just not looking in the right direction?

 

Cliche,

I gave my s/o some extra time also & I'm glad I did.

[Cliche]

The guy is putting you through so much stress that you are having panic attacks!?!

It's not all him. I am having some significant issues in all facets of my life right now. But this certainly isn't helping. I really thought I'd have him to count on right now for support. And while he is supporting me in every way he possibly can, his status and living arrangements make it impossible for me to lean on him as much as a person should be able to lean on their "partner."

 

And that's the other stuff. Of course, he is causing me additional stress.

 

Yeah, it's wrong. It is all wrong. And I keep getting angry whenever I think of how he lied to me a year ago (His exact words = he was separated for 2 years and his wife was completely out of the picture). I NEVER EVER EVER would have allowed this to happen if I knew the truth...that he LIVED (!!!!) with her and they have an "emotional separation" whatever the F that is. I guess I've made him suffer enough on that point, but damn it, when I feel this bad, the anger starts to well up again.

 

I'm pretty sure I need the break, Torrance. I'm just trying to move through some of this pain first, I guess, so I can really do it. If I say a break for 3 weeks (a month, actually...the week he had left plus his additional 3 weeks), I need to make sure I have the strength to go through with it. I'm not feeling particularly strong today.

[Cliche]

Good lord, would you read my posts?! I'm in a blasted war with myself.

[Art_Critic]

Good lord, would you read my posts?! I'm in a blasted war with myself.

 

Check out your title..

 

Like an idiot, I gave him more time

 

That says it all... and your answer is in the title

[Seen_It_All]

And I keep getting angry whenever I think of how he lied to me a year ago (His exact words = he was separated for 2 years and his wife was completely out of the picture).

He's a scumbag con man and nothing more.

 

I NEVER EVER EVER would have allowed this to happen if I knew the truth...that he LIVED (!!!!) with her and they have an "emotional separation" whatever the F that is.

But you DID allow it to continue when you found out. Why would you lower yourself and swallow your pride by continuing to see this two-bit con artist once you'd found out you'd been hoodwinked? He's got a real good idea of exactly how much he can walk all over you because you didn't cut him off at the knees when you found out what a lying piece of trash he is. "But I loooooved him by then!" isn't an excuse for swallowing your self respect and pride and allowing a lying scumbag to continue using you.

 

I guess I've made him suffer enough on that point, but damn it, when I feel this bad, the anger starts to well up again.

LOL..you haven't NEARLY made this low life pay for his scumbag, manipulative ways. Not NEARLY. Draw blood and then we'll talk, ok?

 

Go ahead and give the lying sack of sh*it 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years or 3 decades. He's such a PRIZE that he's worth ANY wait, right?

[Hugh_950]

So three weeks and then you can end it?

 

I don't believe there is even ONE OW or OM on this entire forum who would honestly say NO to just three more weeks. Not ONE!

 

None of them would have what it takes to really break it off at THIS point.

 

Three more weeks.

THEN you can use that as the final straw. (if you can even stop THEN)

 

There is no way you'll feel OK if you break it off now. (after saying OK to three weeks)

You'll always wonder if he was really so close then why couldn't you give him the extra waiting time.

 

You're NOT an idiot for three more weeks OK?

 

Maybe an idiot for gettin involved to begin with

- me too - and all the other OW/OMs here too - I doubt any would argue that.

 

But please don't give him another three weeks!

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Cliche,

 

First things first (((hugs)))

 

It's very difficult when a deadline that you are so looking forward toward has been postponed. Its like having Christmas cancelled. When the MM leaves, its a day which helps OW believe in themselves, in their relationship and in their MM. It validates all of your time together and proves that your blind faith in trusting him (which is blind faith as no-one know what goes on behind the four walls of a marital home) is warranted.

 

My advice to you would be to take your control back which may also in turn help your anxiety.

 

I would perhaps tell MM that instead of giving him a deadline, you are going to give yourself one. If he wants to join you in your journey in life and also set his W free from his tie to him, he is welcome to do it - but it has to be within the time you have set yourself to wait for him. If he asks when the deadline is, tell him you aren't going to put pressure on him by giving him a date to work towards, that your deadline is your deadline.

 

Lastly, I should explain that the deadline isn't a trick to get him to leave. It's a real time limit you are setting yourself that you will 100% stick to. If he doesnt leave within the deadline - leave him to get on with his life.

 

His behaviour is already affecting you. You've called yourself pathetic in this forum alone (I dont think you are by the way, but its how you see yourself that counts). You're depressed, suffering from anxiety and going through the pain of losing belief in yourself for trusting someone who's actions are not mirroring his words. Give yourself a time limit that you will suffer this, and if he leaves, he leaves. If he doesn't, you do

[GregsBad]

Cliche,

 

First things first (((hugs)))

 

It's very difficult when a deadline that you are so looking forward toward has been postponed. Its like having Christmas cancelled. When the MM leaves, its a day which helps OW believe in themselves, in their relationship and in their MM. It validates all of your time together and proves that your blind faith in trusting him (which is blind faith as no-one know what goes on behind the four walls of a marital home) is warranted.

 

My advice to you would be to take your control back which may also in turn help your anxiety.

 

I would perhaps tell MM that instead of giving him a deadline, you are going to give yourself one. If he wants to join you in your journey in life and also set his W free from his tie to him, he is welcome to do it - but it has to be within the time you have set yourself to wait for him. If he asks when the deadline is, tell him you aren't going to put pressure on him by giving him a date to work towards, that your deadline is your deadline.

 

Lastly, I should explain that the deadline isn't a trick to get him to leave. It's a real time limit you are setting yourself that you will 100% stick to. If he doesnt leave within the deadline - leave him to get on with his life.

 

His behaviour is already affecting you. You've called yourself pathetic in this forum alone (I dont think you are by the way, but its how you see yourself that counts). You're depressed, suffering from anxiety and going through the pain of losing belief in yourself for trusting someone who's actions are not mirroring his words. Give yourself a time limit that you will suffer this, and if he leaves, he leaves. If he doesn't, you do

 

This is one of the best posts I've read on the entire topic. A keeper! Thanks!

[Cliche]

Je ne regrette rien,

Thank you for that post. I really appreciate it. And you are right on the mark. I was thinking about this so much today, and I realize I have hit an emotional brick wall. And independently, I came up with what you said, and you just confirmed it.

 

It is so hard. He says all the right things. And I do find that I believe him. I don't know if I should, but he has given me just enough to believe that I can believe in him, if that makes sense. By reading here, I know he gives me much more than other MM give their OW, but I also see that he gives me the same kind of run around feeling that other MM give.

 

And then there is the fact that I know so many of his family and friends. Yet another mutual friend today told me, unsolicited, that his marriage is over and it is just a matter of tying up the loose ends (and I think she is more my friend than his...she also tells me I should date other people to move his ass quicker so he can see what he's missing by dragging his feet). MM himself told me yesterday that his wife knows he has a girlfriend.

 

I go from believing him completely and understanding how he needs to close the door completely and do it in his way. It is his divorce after all. And then I waiver back to the fact that the only thing keeping him from walking out the door right this second is him, and if he loved me as much as he claims he does, he wouldn't keep putting me through this. But maybe he is not putting me through this. Maybe it is me putting me through this. Really, at this point, I am honest when I say that we have lost all the obstacles usually in the way that lead to a secret relationship. This isn't secret anymore. At this point, I'm not even sure he could stay in the marriage much longer if he decided he wanted to. Based on his reports and reports from his cousin, it sounds like she is at the end of her rope as well.

 

*sigh* But I do feel pathetic sometimes. I find myself pleading with him...damn near begging. For what? Why in the hell should I have to plead with him to spend his life with me when that is what he claims he truly wants?

 

I want to wait and I want to give up. I want to surrender and I want to control. At some point will I just wake up and say okay, I'm done? Will I know? Or am I going to have to push it forward. Ftr, with my marriage, I literally just woke up one day and knew that was the day I ended the marriage, but I went through way too much time of pain before that. I don't want to waste so many moments of my life like that again. I think I want everything either black or white at this point, and I'm immersed in gray. I don't like it one bit.

[GregsBad]

You're getting more from your MM than most of the OWs are getting.

 

You already said OK to three weeks, as if you could back out on that even IF you could ... know what I mean?

 

There's NO WAY you're going to end it before the three weeks.

Why burn energy trying to decide how to cut the three weeks to only two weeks or one week? I don't get that? Back off, take a breath, decide what to do at the end of three weeks!

 

Maybe then try what Je ne regrette suggested - that's good advice.

[PoshPrincess]

What's the insentive for him? You're making it sooo easy for him to stay by continuing a relationship with him while he's still married and hasn't moved out yet. Why would he really push to change things if he doesn't feel the loss of you NOT in his life.

 

STOP being there so much. Tell him you two won't be having sex anymore, no more sleepovers, hanging out and being a part of his daily life, being around his family UNTIL he moves out completely. Maybe if you disappear out of his life he'll actually MISS you enough to do something about it. He IS stalling and the more time you give him, hold his hand and feel sympathic towards him, the more he'll take advantage of you. (Not in a mean or malcious way, but a more selfish and self serving way, hope that makes sense to you.)

 

This is making you ill, having anxiety, not enjoying life etc. So, stop playing into it, get busy with your friends, family and other hobbies. Don't rely on him for all your happiness. Give him space, time, whatever he needs but PUT A DEADLINE ON IT otherwise it will be another excuse why he can't leave come Halloween or Christmas.

 

I agree with WWIU in principle. If I had never been in your shoes (of sorts) I would be saying exactly the same thing. I can now see it from both sides. I kept extending the deadline with my exMM and it NEVER happened. Sometimes I wish I hadn't been so weak but sometimes I wish I had stood by him and never put any pressure on him with deadlines in the first place. Who knows though whether either would make a difference. I can understand your dilemna. The thing is, only YOU really know your MM so you need to read all the advice on here, think about what you know about YOUR MM, waht makes him tick, etc, and then base your decision on that. I don't think you should go back on the 3 week deadline but you need to have a decision in place by the time that 3 weeks is up. He is attempting to leave one life behind and start a new one which is difficult for anyone and DOES take time so deadlines can be hard to define.

 

I hope that whatever you decide to do is the right decision for you. I DO think, however, that you have to have some cut off point, whenever it may be, because otherwise you might just find yourself waiting forever and this will be no good for your emotional well-being whatsoever. Best of luck.

[Cliche]

Despite some of the not very helpful "dump the lying sack of sh*%" posts, I am so glad to have to place to vent. So much of what has been said here by OW, former OW and BS is so helpful to me. Just thank you.

 

MM and I had a really good talk last night. I have to admit, lately there haven't been many talks about him leaving that haven't included me getting dramatic or crying or angry. But last night we had one. I told him that the black and white, stay or leave is driving me crazy. I told him I like neither option, but that I am really trying to figure things out here and don't want to suffer anymore. I told him that there must be other options than I just accept what is and sit and wait for things to change whenever they change. He told me that we can create "markers" for things that he needs done and when each can be done so I can see the progress. He also told me that he will make me part of the process and we can do some of the moving and stuff together.

 

I think that will help. I mean, if I'm seeing the change and actually, physically, helping with the change, it is pretty difficult to believe this is all smoke and mirrors, isn't it? Though, of course, I'm so used to this damned anxiety now that it has become a part of me, and I woke up this morning wanting to start now, now NOW. Geezus. I guess that's the part that I need to work on.

 

Anyway, I'm not ending it today or tomorrow. But if the move doesn't happen shortly, I am leaving soon. I don't know if that will be in a month or 2 months or 3 months. But like I said on the other thread, I think I figured out that when it is time, I'll know it is time because I'll have lost my ability to believe in him. Until I reach my endgame, if I may come here for support, I'd really appreciate it.

[Cliche]

And you know, there is one other thing...he has never once told me he is not going to leave. He has constantly told me that he just wants to leave "the right way" by completely cutting all ties.

 

I do notice that the MMs here who don't leave seem to waiver. He hasn't. I hate what I see as "stalling." But if he were leading me on, wouldn't he have, at least once, when I am pushing pushing pushing him against the wall tell me he's just not ready. Even when I'm angry and he's feeling beat up, he never says this won't happen.

 

Um, okay, I think my obsessive thoughts are coming back. Maybe I should just shush and go back to doing something more productive now.

 

Thanks again.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Thanks Gregsbad

 

Cliche, I understand your pain, your self-doubt and your despair in the situation. Believe me, I've been there. I also understand your epiphany, which helped you end your M. Sometimes, enough just becomes enough, you wake up one day and think, today is the day I get on with the rest of my life.

 

Your R was shook by its first foundations when he your MM lied at the beginning. It is human to question someone who has already broken your trust - its a natural way of protecting yourself from more hurt. He asked you for more time and it's natural to wonder exactly what that time is for, why three weeks, why if he is so desperate to be with you does he stall? Common questions of the OW.

 

I dont necessarily believe in giving deadlines to other people outside of the workplace basically because it's a control mechanism. And the only person you can ever control in any relationship is yourself.

 

I didn't give my MM a deadline. For me, it was important that he came to his own decision that he wanted to leave. I didnt want to force his hand and then wonder whether he would have finally made a choice. I also did not want his resentment to build up over time - its easy to place blame when you feel forced. I was also conscious that I was so busy dealing with my own inner turmoil that it was easy to relegate his - how could he stay in his M and refuse to acknowledge my pain by not leaving? After all, it was him that was stopping us from being together, Resentment was starting to build up in my feelings. That's when I decided I needed a conclusion and that the only person who could give me that was me, and slowly I realised that taking control of my own destiny dissolved my constant doubt of my self-belief.

 

Every situation is different though, and it's a question of whether you believe your MM enough to wait for him, if that's what you choose to do. Or whether you believe in yourself enough to know that when you get that wake-up call that enough is enough, you're strong enough to move on. I'm afraid it comes down to a question of trust - in him and yourself.