Need a different point of view...

[airdabla]

I tried posting this as a guest, but nothing showed up. oh well, let's try again.

 

Let me start by saying that the infidelity problem is not mine, it's my sister and her narcissist husband. A few months back she found out he had been cheating on her when he went to jail for a weekend for violating the terms of his DUI program. My sister took his car and in his car was his phone.. full of txt messages. He had answered a couple of them with I love you's and "good morning my love" My sister was sure she had not received any text messages from him. She kept replying to the text messages until she finally set a time and place to meet with the OW, of course, she thought the one replying was him. she wanted to meet at the same hotel as last time, of course, my sister said no, let's meet somewhere else..they did meet, se didn't confront her or anything, she had a room already and wouldn't come out of it to meet with my sister. She sent her a text message "it's not my fault he f**** up on you."

 

So.. my sister decided to give him another chance.

 

Rewind two years back, I was at a club and this girl comes next to me and asks me for a light. I give it to her and she politely asks me my name, when I said my name she immediately asks me if I'm so and so's sister. I, say yes, all of a sudden she drops a bomb.. "I"m f***ing her husband". my sister was pregnant at the time, she finds out this woman works at the clinic she has been seen for her pregnancy. She confronts her, with the bastard right next to her.. she denies the whole thing. My sister just then turn to him and he spractically tells her she has been almost harrasing him. My sister calls the clinic and explains the situation to the office manager, who tells her she will not have acces to her file ever again. But my sister's husband (I refuse to callhim brother in law) insists he will go talk to the clinic manager personally. I received phone calls to my "private line" at work constantly by her, leaving messages, just plain out there saying "you and you'r sister are a pair of idiots"

 

I really didn't believe any of the crap the jerk came up with, but I let my sister make her decision.

 

Forward again two years, after my sister found out about the girls with the text messages... The woman contacts me via e-mail and lets me know she's sorry she ever denied anything, that everything she said was true, he was sleeping with her, when he insisted in going to the clinic personally, he went to talk to them about "their relationship" so she wouldn't have consequences for what my sister did. The worse thig.. they have a kid together.

 

(bare with me, i'm almost through)

 

At that point I told my sister that she needed to know what kind of man that bastard was.. but that she wasn't gonna hear it from me. She confronted him and asked him to tell her everything.. he kinda did, and I say "kinda" because he said he had a daughter, but that he had sold his sperm to her.

 

I'm really delaing with disapointment here. that's my issue, I can't believe she's still there, he had no mercy, he bad mouthed her all around town, he practically lived a single life and didn't care who foubd out, later we found out those two weren't the only ones, but, anyway, I have this great resentment towards my sister, she'sw not who I thought she was, I don't know how to treat her, I don't know what to talk to her about when I do see her.. I'm just heart broken that she would let someone walk all over here like this. She fell into depression and when we tried to help her she went back to him. She's going to counseling every week and says she feels better, but, I just don't understand her and I want to... but, it's sometimes so hard to keep my cool around her.. I feel bad for her, I sometimes feel pitty for the way she's living. She graduates on saturday from college, she worked so hard for this and, I don't even know if I want to be there, she'll be there with her husband, we probably won't even get to be with her after the ceremony and it just breaks my heart, but I can't watch her live life like this. I just can't.. we were such a close family, she was always my best friend, and I can't believe his actions have taken her away from us when he's at fault for everything. please help me understand her.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Please be there for her, she needs your unconditional love right now more than ever before. The graduation is a happy thing and I wouldn't miss it for the world. OP, very often it takes some time for the heart to catch up with the head. I understand your love for your sister and the hurt you must feel for her and the anger you feel toward her A$$wipe H. Real love though, is sometimes letting people make there own decisions and mistakes and being there to pick them up when they crash and she will crash.

 

She needs someone. The worse experience I've ever dealt with (my H's infidelity) my sister couldn't be there for me. I couldn't even discuss it with her because it hurt her and made her sooo very angry, she wasn't emotionally strong enough to hold in her emotions to allow me to work through mine. She is the person I love the most outside of my immediate family and I had to pretend to be OK around her to protect HER feelings. If you can at all handle it, love her enough to see her through it on her terms.

[Melissa277]

Wow. That's quite a story. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain and I can definitely relate.

 

It's hard to fathom that your sister actually believed that her H sold his sperm to a W whom he was having an A with? Did I understand that correctly?

 

I'm certainly no psychiatrist, but it sounds like she has some major self-esteem issues. That being said, you have done your part. You can't brow-beat her into seeing this jerk for what he is, she will just end up resenting you. I know this because my SIL was a serial cheater and I tried to tell my B, but he didn't believe me and wouldn't speak to me for the better part of four months.

 

You sound like you really love and care for your sister and I am sure she knows that but if she doesn't, tell her. Let her know that you're there for her if she ever needs you. How does the rest of your family stand on this issue? Does she have their support?

 

Believe me, sooner or later, the sh*t will hit the proverbial fan and she will turn to you to help her pick up the pieces. It did with my B. W up and left him and their son for some guy she met in a pool hall. He asked me why I didn't tell him what was going on and I said I told you years ago but you wouldn't believe me so you just had to find out for yourself. He was like yeah, I know, but I just couldn't believe she would do that. Today, we are closer than we've ever been in our lives.

 

On the graduation issue, I would say go and be happy for her. She's worked hard and deserves to have her family there to celebrate with her.

[Melissa277]

Please be there for her, she needs your unconditional love right now more than ever before. The graduation is a happy thing and I wouldn't miss it for the world. OP, very often it takes some time for the heart to catch up with the head. I understand your love for your sister and the hurt you must feel for her and the anger you feel toward her A$$wipe H. Real love though, is sometimes letting people make there own decisions and mistakes and being there to pick them up when they crash and she will crash.

 

She needs someone. The worse experience I've ever dealt with (my H's infidelity) my sister couldn't be there for me. I couldn't even discuss it with her because it hurt her and made her sooo very angry, she wasn't emotionally strong enough to hold in her emotions to allow me to work through mine. She is the person I love the most outside of my immediate family and I had to pretend to be OK around her to protect HER feelings. If you can at all handle it, love her enough to see her through it on her terms.

 

Wishes, are you saying that your sister was angry with you because you wanted to discuss it with her or at WH because he did this to you? I'm just wondering because I, too, am closest to my sister outside my immediate family and she never got angry, not with WH anyway. I mean, she b*tched a little, but never got angry angry and I guess that's always bothered me. We talk over email every day ... me mostly about H and her telling me that any time I want to come home, I'm welcomed. But she never actually got angry with him. Does that seem a little weird?

 

I know I wear my heart on my sleeve as in brother's case I'd see XSIL around town and I would never, ever acknowledge her presence. She would say hi or whatever and I would just look at her. I thought that's how S would be about my situation, but she's not.

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is be there for her when it all falls apart, encourage her to leave him, and for her to get some one on one counselling.

 

He's a real schmuck, and doesn't deserve your sister. I hope she wakes up soon and realizes she's wasting her life with a man who IS a narcissist. Narcissists do NOT change, ever...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

My sister was angry at me for not leaving, angry at him for his actions, ect... She couldn't deal iwth it at all and its tooo bad because I needed her wisdom and her encouragement and her patience. It wasn't that she didn't want to she couldn't overcome her own emotions or reactions to the injustice and hurt of people she loved. Had my mother still been alive SHE would have held in her own hurt over my situation to help me through it, SHE would have been capable of that, but I'm glad she was not here as it would have killed her to see the devistation it caused me, God how I miss her!

 

Actually Melissa, the most helpful person (I kept it to myself for a long time) was the one person who never offered sympathy, listened (ad nauseum) without ever offering a personal opinion, never judged me or him nor treated either of us differently, asked questions to help me talk my way through my feelings and ideas, played devils advocate so that I would consider all angles, never pointed out that I was saying the same thing over and over or completely contradicting myself. THAT was the most helpful. But that person had no emotional involvement to the situation. I had girlfriends that gave sympathy and I needed some of that but it didn't lend itself to healing and it was difficult to deal iwth my own emotions much less theirs. I told everyone when I told them (which was when I filed for D) "I don't want you to hate him for me." This is between us.

[Melissa277]

 

Actually Melissa, the most helpful person (I kept it to myself for a long time) was the one person who never offered sympathy, listened (ad nauseum) without ever offering a personal opinion, never judged me or him nor treated either of us differently, asked questions to help me talk my way through my feelings and ideas, played devils advocate so that I would consider all angles, never pointed out that I was saying the same thing over and over or completely contradicting myself. THAT was the most helpful.

 

That's how my sister is. Thank you for waking me up to the fact that she has actually done all of the things you listed. I suppose, in the beginning of this mess, I assumed she would be and I wanted her to be angry with H, but I see now that she has done exactly what has helped me the most.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

That's how my sister is. Thank you for waking me up to the fact that she has actually done all of the things you listed. I suppose, in the beginning of this mess, I assumed she would be and I wanted her to be angry with H, but I see now that she has done exactly what has helped me the most.

 

 

Melissa,

 

Your sister is one smart cookie and you are lucky to have her around. If she judged at all she would put a barrier between you and you would no longer be able to evolve through it on your own or come to her for fear of her reaction.

[airdabla]

Thank you for your replies, it really did help me hear it from people who actually lived through something similar. I will do my best to understand her, I really will. I wish I oculd be that strong person she can lean on, but it just seems so hard to understand her.

 

She is getting one on one counseling, and to this day the only thing that she has said to us about it is that she needs to focus on herself and she's trying not to think of all the things that have happened. This is one of the things that I cannot get into my head, is it that easy to just erase everything at basically save it for later or has she just lost perspective?

 

She has us all, all my family has been affected by this, my mother feels the same way about this issue as I do, although she's less outspoken about it. We love her so much. We said we'd always be there for her, but she has also tried to stay away from us. I live 2.5 hours away from my parents and her, and I drive over every two weeks, well, sometimes she doesn't even go around my parents house for a whole month, and of course, my parents don't feel they can go see her at her house because of her husband. We really don't speak that much anymore, and when we do, it's just a superficial thing, just small talk. I will wee her this weekend, and I hope to be at her graduation, I just hope I can handle seeing him and not try to rip his eyes out. I haven't seen him since this all went down.

 

Again, thank you.

[Melovator]

Go to your sister's graduation, its something she's achieved all on her own, even if she thinks she owes it him or something right now. She should know that her family are proud enough and love her enough to put themselves in a situation where they don't want to be for her. Graduation is also scary because studying egts to be a habit, a comfort zone and graduation means that isn't there- she's going to be thinking about her future a lot. Hopefully she'll get some kick ass job, realise that she has mad skills, is competent and good at soemthing and you'd be amazed what that can do for self-esteem.

On a personal note in my sitaution, all my sister knows is that there's another woman (not who because she knows her) and no more than that because I have a hard enough time getting me through this and I don't have the emotional energy to get her through this. Which is why I haven't told my mother anything either- I'd have to deal with her issues.

If your sister is a young mum and has been studying and dealing with a-hole H then she's had a lot on her plate, maybe clearing the studying off will give her time to think. Wish you all the best.

[Lynna]

Go to the graduation, try and be there to celebrate the good things in your sister's life. If she ever does come to her senses and dump this loser, she will need to know that she can rely on her family. Family is the one thing we should always be able to count on in life.

 

Later, NOT at or after the graduation, but later, get together with her, or call her, or write her a letter and tell her about how you cannot stand to see what he has done to her. Tell her what you told us about how you feel that you have lost her, that he has turned her into a stranger, how you morn for her and for the closeness that you used to have. Then tell her how badly it hurts you to see how he treats her and hurts her. Tell her that you will always be there for her if she ever needs you but that you can't act as if everything is okay on a daily basis. You can't watch her be destroyed. But ensure her that when she needs you, you will be there, that she should never hesitate to come to you for help.

 

It is just an idea. I don't know if I could even do it, because it is so extreme. But it might be a way to help her see how badly he is messing up her life. But, it also lets her know that you still love her and will always be there for her. Ultimately though it is her decision. But you need to be able to separate yourself from the situation so that you don't continue to get hurt on top of it all.