Author Vertex Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 I don't really know how else to word it. It just seems like she is always willing to put burden on me or make me take the fall for something, but she won't ever appreciate it when I do something for her. The fact that she speaks like it's something expected versus something you appreciate just set me off.
Trialbyfire Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 If she's consistently this way, set your boundaries. Tell her she's rude and childish. Don't play the passive-aggressive and withhold "services".
norajane Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Does she do things for you that you take for granted? Gives you her notes from class? Helps you study? Rubs your back? Picks up a cup of coffee for you? Laundry? Drives you around without expecting money for gas? Makes sure you wake up in the morning because you're a heavy sleeper and always sleep through the alarm? Extra special blowjobs? If she does those kinds of things regularly and doesn't expect thanks, then you are making too much of it. If she never does things like that for you, then your girlfriend is a taker.
Author Vertex Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 Does she do things for you that you take for granted? Gives you her notes from class? Helps you study? Rubs your back? Picks up a cup of coffee for you? Laundry? Drives you around without expecting money for gas? Makes sure you wake up in the morning because you're a heavy sleeper and always sleep through the alarm? Extra special blowjobs? If she does those kinds of things regularly and doesn't expect thanks, then you are making too much of it. If she never does things like that for you, then your girlfriend is a taker. Notes from class: No, I do for her though Helps study: No, I do for her though Rubs your back: No Coffee: Yes, she gets drinks for me, but I do for her too Laundry: No Drive: No Wakes up: I *always* have to wake her up or she gets pissed Blowjobs: I wish This is why I am upset. It feels one-sided, and she gets mad when I try to stand up for myself.
norajane Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 This is why I am upset. It feels one-sided, and she gets mad when I try to stand up for myself. So why are you with her?
Author Vertex Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 Honestly, if I were to answer this now, it would be out of anger. I mean, if she even gave "extra special blowjobs" (or at least, any, really) or would be able to wake up on her own or do SOMETHING for me, I'd be more than happy to do anything for her. But it just feels like I give and give, and she gets pissed when I ask for anything from her because suddenly I am no longer a gentlemen since "guys are just supposed to do these things." I am angry right now but I would have to say, I don't know. Splitting would be insanely inconvenient because we are in the same classes, have the same work schedule, live across the hall from each other, etc. It would not be an easy break. I just don't know how to get my point across to her without her getting on this high-and-mighty "I am a woman and you need to be a gentleman" argument. I am fine doing things for her, but she can't just refuse to do anything for me. She can't do anything for herself.
Krytellan Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I suppose you'll think me crass or get defensive, but it sounds to me like you're afraid to be alone... for reasons I wouldn't begin to guess on.
norajane Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I just don't know how to get my point across to her without her getting on this high-and-mighty "I am a woman and you need to be a gentleman" argument. I am fine doing things for her, but she can't just refuse to do anything for me. She can't do anything for herself. You can't get your point across. Because she can't see anything but her own selfish viewpoint. If she could, you wouldn't have to say anything because she'd be doing something for you, and she'd be saying thank you. Do you see what I mean? If she were capable of understanding what you're trying to say, you wouldn't have to say much because any thoughtful person would get it. She doesn't get it and won't.
Author Vertex Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 I am somewhat afraid to be alone, yes, and I know where it stems from (long story short: I grew up in an environment that was not very loving, and so I guess you could say I am trying to find love now). Being single makes me feel very lonely, even if I am occupying my time with work, school, friends, hobbies, activities, etc. I desire reciprocal intimacy. I don't want to just hit her with a bombshell, because I know she is capable of reciprocation. She has given me oral before, and has helped me with certain homework before, and has gotten me drinks, etc. I know she's capable of all these things, but the problem is that she tends to leave everything to me. I'd rather make her realize how one-sided this is and hope she sees the light and tries to fix it instead of just throwing out the breakup card. I am not sure how to effectively do this, however. I mean, her dad has a lot of money. She's had a nice life growing up (maids cleaning up after everyone, having the best education, the best this and that), and so I feel like she is carrying this notion of taking into the relationship. She'll leave trash around and get mad at me for telling her to be more careful (she'll leave bags of her eaten food everywhere or leave a myriad of crumbs in the bed), but she retorts with "You're so anal!" etc. I feel like my attempts to get her to act reasonable are being interpreted as overreactions. But I mean, if I simply let it slide, everything becomes a MESS. She doesn't do a thing for herself -- the only way to make sure things are clean without her getting mad is to, again, clean up after her.
Cobra_X30 Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 LOL... your gf has paris hilton syndrome. Good luck buddy, you better get used to bieng her bf/maid/whipping boy. Selfishness like this is a disease you cant beat. If you dont like how it is now... realize its never getting better. This might be a good time to conquer your fear of being single.
jcster Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I grew up in an environment that was not very loving, and so I guess you could say I am trying to find love now I spent decades of my life trying to find the love that I didn't get as a child. Guess what? It doesn't work that way. What you end up with is hurtful, abusive relationships that pattern your childhood experiences of love. Please don't do what I did! Learn to love yourself, learn that being alone doesn't equal lonely, learn that you are worthy of love and respect and then find someone that feels the same way. Life is too short and love is too valuable to spend on people who don't appreciate you. So what if she's in your class, so what if she lives next door - is putting up with her anger after your breakup any worse than the disrespect you are experiencing now?
scrybe74 Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Well....as one man to another...you were right. But so what? Was it worth her getting pissed at you? I agree that when I've had a gf or wife I don't necessarily like the way they 'expect' things of me particularly when they are rude about it but I don't think I'd let her drag some heavy object across the house to make a point. Unless she's intentionally being exceptionally rude and mean I would just move it. Especially if she's is a small woman. After I helped her (and was the better person for it) I'd let her know that she was being rude to me. In the past it's worked out and decent and nice girls apologized and were a little more concious of how they spoke to me when asking for help. Those that didn't change....you know what? It didn't last long. In a relationship you both deserve to be spoken to with some decent respect.
Author Vertex Posted June 16, 2007 Author Posted June 16, 2007 The problem I keep finding with these girls is that if I do things for them anyway and tell them I was upset, they usually get really defensive and don't apologize for the way they ask things from me. And if they do apologize, they don't really change in the future. I usually bite the bullet and "be the better person" and just do whatever it is she wanted, but to her she doesn't see this as me being the better person -- she sees it as me doing something I should be expected to do anyway. It's coming to the point where I am basically doing my own thing. If she wants to break up, fine by me. I'm sick of it. She can either change or deal.
katiebour Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 When you really care about someone, you want to do things for them to make them happy, because their happiness makes YOU happy. My b/f doesn't say "thanks" for everything I do around the house, but I know that he is grateful- he doesn't have to say it all the time. The way that he treats me and the caring that he gives me says it more than the words could do. I try to remember to say thanks every time he does something nice (kind of a behaviorist "If I reward him for doing the dishes he'll do them more often" kind of thing... :laugh:)- honestly speaking though I do really appreciate it. My manual labor was taken for granted as a kid, and I hated it- I don't ever want to be someone's unappreciated maid. And I also wouldn't want to put anyone else, ESPECIALLY my loved one, into that same position. If your g/f grew up with a sense of entitlement- not saying thanks for services rendered, etc, you cannot honestly expect her to start now without incentive or coaching. If there's really a nice person underneath that selfish shell, then it's worth a discussion and some constructive coaching to coax that lovely person out. But it may be that she expects that kind of service wholeheartedly, and has no desire or incentive to change her ways. After all, if she doesn't get the service she wants from you, she can always buy it from someone else. That kind of attitude is a total loss, and you're wasting your time with her. Maybe write her a letter if having a discussion comes off as being too confrontational? Something along the lines of: I really enjoy the things we do together and the things that we share. There are so many things I really like about you. Sometimes, though, I don't feel like I'm appreciated for the things I do- in fact, sometimes I feel less like your boyfriend and more like your servant. It doesn't make me feel very good to be treated this way, and it's making me question whether our relationship is worth it. I would happily do anything for you if I felt appreciated and cared for. If you are willing to work with me so that we can both be happy, then I know we can have an even more wonderful relationship. If we can't do that, then maybe we should reconsider whether or not to see each other. With affection, Your boyfriend That would be my $0.02.
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