Vertex Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I am going to try to be as honest as I can here. Please tell me if I am in the wrong or if my girlfriend is (we are college students): Today at lunch, my girlfriend and I were having a fun time, but at one point when we were discussing things, it reminded my girlfriend of a time when we were moving some items from one room to another and I hadn't helped her move something heavy because I felt she was being unreasonable and rude about it. She was pissed, saying that I wasn't a gentlemen like a good boyfriend should be. I said on the contrary, I take her stuff to class everyday, wait for her when she is having appointments, get things for her all the time, carry her heavier luggage for her when she is traveling to/from colllege, etc. I mentioned that I am perfectly fine with doing things for her as long as they are appreciated. I mentioned there is a difference between appreciation and expectation. If you simply "expect" your boyfriend to carry everything and do everything for you without gratitude, simply taking the notion for granted... I said I disagreed with this. In retort, she said that all good boyfriends should want to do these things and just DO them. To that, I agreed, sure, but if a girl simply expects her boyfriend to be her "bitch" without a word of appreciation of thanks, then that's another story. And in response she got really upset and kept repeating that I was not a gentlemen and left the restaurant. I thought she was overreacting: I don't know why she was getting upset over me asking for a little gratitude for doing things for her. I personally think she is in the wrong, but I am wondering what you guys all think?
StayClose Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 A girlfriend should show appreciation for favors done by her boyfreind, but the BF should not complain if appreciation is not shown every single time. You expressed your view on this, your GF overreacted.
Krytellan Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 My interpretation is that she got upset because she is used to you being her... whatever... and got angry that you were sticking to your opinion. I will say that you absolutely should feel the way you do. That's what keeps men from getting walked on. Is there a better way to express your thoughts? Probably... the word bitch is never a word most women want to hear, regardless of context. Do things for her because you want to, not because she expects it. But also, never stop expecting appreciation in return. And damn whatever lame argument women would throw at this statement
Author Vertex Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 I didn't use the word "bitch" to her specifically, nor am I after appreciation every single time. I'd just like it once in a while, because it'd show that she isn't merely taking me for granted. She never says please/thank you, etc, and I don't think it's unreasonable.
Touche Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I'm not saying you're wrong for asking for some appreciation, but in my world a man just does stuff like that without looking for validation. They do it because they want to and not to get something back. That said, I think your g/f was very childish to walk out like that. She should just have acknowledged what you said and dropped it.
tanbark813 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I mentioned that I am perfectly fine with doing things for her as long as they are appreciated. I mentioned there is a difference between appreciation and expectation. If you simply "expect" your boyfriend to carry everything and do everything for you without gratitude, simply taking the notion for granted... I said I disagreed with this. Agreed. Your gf threw a hissy fit. Throw in an unprompted "you're welcome" every now and then and see if she gets the point.
Trialbyfire Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 The two of you can continue playing power games with each other, or you can try to meet each others' reasonable needs. Your choice...
curiousnycgirl Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Tell her you will be a gentleman as long as she is a lady. I agree though that this is just a power struggle and needs to stop!
2sunny Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 if you are doing these things it is a shame that she is not acknowledging the appreciation for your effort/actions. could be she was pms ing
Moose Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Is your, "mate". You SHOULD cherish her, care for her, and bend over backwards for her simply because she is a precious gift. With that mindset, you wouldn't be expecting a, "thank you" everytime you turn around. You're not too clear about how long you two of been together thus far. But I would venture to guess it's been under a couple of years. You've stopped, "woo-ing".......that should NEVER happen.....
jcster Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 What? Are thank yous worth cash now? Does she NEVER say thank you? You need to have some give and take - you're not going to get a pat on the head every time you do something nice for your girlfriend. Instead of scrambling for some shaky moral high ground, you should have apologized to your girlfriend. You're not a gentleman. And if you keep this up, you will be single.
Krytellan Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I personally think she is in the wrong, but I am wondering what you guys all think? You know Vertex, I had gone through a similar post a while back. I'm too lazy to find it, but if you have time, maybe search for threads by me and take a look at how it played out. I've been reading other responses and felt kinda lame for not mentioning sooner that it doesn't matter who is right, you know? Communicate and find a level of reciprocation. Is either party is unwilling to budge, then there are bigger roblems at work (another poster mentioned power games). If she was unwilling to see your side, that should tell you all you need to know. I know that there are certain things that I take on as a responsibility, back massages being a prime example. I will now do them just because I want to and I don't expect anything in return, and don't always need a thank you. But if I'm never being thanked for anything else either, then yes, I would start to get resentful and then need thank you's even more. So hopefully she will learn that the more she does it, the less you'll need it. Such a simple concept that a lot of people refuse to give in to. Unfortunately I think it works that way with sex a lot too.
Krytellan Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 What? Are thank yous worth cash now? Does she NEVER say thank you? You need to have some give and take - you're not going to get a pat on the head every time you do something nice for your girlfriend. Instead of scrambling for some shaky moral high ground, you should have apologized to your girlfriend. Couldn't possibly disagree more. Once a man gives up his values, it's all over.
Star Gazer Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 A girlfriend should show appreciation for favors done by her boyfreind, but the BF should not complain if appreciation is not shown every single time. You expressed your view on this, your GF overreacted. Agreed. I know that there are certain things that I take on as a responsibility, back massages being a prime example. I will now do them just because I want to and I don't expect anything in return, and don't always need a thank you. But if I'm never being thanked for anything else either, then yes, I would start to get resentful and then need thank you's even more. So hopefully she will learn that the more she does it, the less you'll need it. Such a simple concept that a lot of people refuse to give in to. Agreed again. Vertex, so long as it's clear to her that there needs to be a mutual compromise - she appreciates what you do, you appreciate the gratitude, but neither expects said appreciation 100% of the time - you'll be golden. Keep in mind that many women do in a way expect chivalrous acts without a pat on the back. IMO a man (AND a woman) should do things for their SO without any expectation of getting something in return. It's only when there's an imbalance - in appreciation or reciprocated giving - that a problem arises. I also agree with TBF though that you're engaging in a stubborn power struggle. That's your bigger problem.
dbtmarley Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Ok, I really didn't mean the above line.... ok I did lol. I think she over reacted big time. Let me guess, your offense probably happend months ago. You should cherish her, but she should cherish you also.. Relationships are a two way street. Should she say thank you for everything you do? Nope... Should she expect you to be at her hip ready for her demands? Nope.. If she wants a servant she can hire one! My wife and I do a lot for each other. I do things for her not because they are expected, but because I love her dearly. I've been in relationships where I was expected to do this or that and I always found them women to be some of the most ungrateful people I have ever met... Some women want all those old fashion guys that bend over backwards for them... and show absolutely no appreciation for it. It's these same women that cannot so much as boil a pot of water. If you ask for a home cooked meal they balk. With this in mind though.... You were wrong about the "bitch" comment. You should have said I am not going to be anyone's slut. That goes over so much better! Personally speaking I would not have let her pick up the heavy object... I guess that makes me a bitch. Dude... do the right thing... Stop wondering who is wrong and who is right. Go apologize to her and tell her she owes you half the bill for lunch that she walked out on. Thomas
jcster Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Couldn't possibly disagree more. Once a man gives up his values, it's all over. Once a relationship becomes a ledger it's over. This has nothing to do with values and everything to do with mutual respect and cooperation. This was obviously something that truly bothered the OPs girlfriend. Where does it violate anyone's values to acknowledge a hurt (even if it isn't understood)? Once one starts putting point values on every action, then things get dicey. There's no common currency in a healthy relationship - just common courtesy.
Touche Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Once a relationship becomes a ledger it's over. This has nothing to do with values and everything to do with mutual respect and cooperation. This was obviously something that truly bothered the OPs girlfriend. Where does it violate anyone's values to acknowledge a hurt (even if it isn't understood)? Once one starts putting point values on every action, then things get dicey. There's no common currency in a healthy relationship - just common courtesy. Excellent post. Couldn't agree more.
tanbark813 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 just common courtesy. Common courtesy includes saying "please" and "thank you".
Storyrider Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I think the biggest lesson here is, don't rehash old arguments, especially at a restaurant.
Krytellan Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Once a relationship becomes a ledger it's over. This has nothing to do with values and everything to do with mutual respect and cooperation. Can you accept that mutual respect cooperation are values? If I value reciprocation and appreciation and b/c my gf refuses to give them I have to surrender these things, am I not compromising (giving up) my values?
Krytellan Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Common courtesy includes saying "please" and "thank you". Exactly. We can argue semantics all day, but that doesn't change the concept. Reciprocation and respect... both critical if a relationship is going to survive.
jcster Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Common courtesy includes saying "please" and "thank you". I absolutely agree. But there are going to be times when there's disagreement over what actions/tasks/responsiblities are "included in the deal" and which are "above and beyond" and deserve special acknowledgment. Can you accept that mutual respect cooperation are values? If I value reciprocation and appreciation and b/c my gf refuses to give them I have to surrender these things, am I not compromising (giving up) my values? Of course! No one should stay in a relationship in which they consistently feel taken for granted. The key word here is "consistently." As years go by in a relationship, it becomes impossible to keep a tally. It also becomes impossible to NOT hurt someone's feelings. We are all human, and day to day relationships will always accumulate a (hopefully) thin layer of resentment. What is important is to pick your battles - and to realize that your perception of the issue at hand is only 1/2 of the argument. Sometimes you just have to give into the more injured party and agree to disagree. Sometimes the best way to receive acknowledgement is to give it. I have a feeling in the case at hand that a simple apology would have opened the floodgates of gratitude. Withholding help from one's partner in retaliation for lack of acknowledgement will invariably start a feedback loop that will tear harmony to shreds.
Author Vertex Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 I do not think I am being unreasonable. It isn't like I am a stickler for gratitude: I simply want to hear ONCE that she appreciates something. I never get a please or thank you from her. I'll be sitting at my desk with my backpack, and I'll take off my glasses for a second, and she'll toss all her stuff over onto my desk, knocking my glasses away, telling me to put her stuff in my backpack. To me, something like that shows she does not respect me, nor my property, and only cares about her own condition and whether or not she is satisfied. I'd like to know that she isn't simply trying to take me for granted -- I'm all for being a gentleman, but I'm not going to be a doormat. That is where I am coming from. Otherwise, I'd gladly carry her things every single time. But I feel like she simply doesn't appreciate my efforts, and so I am sometimes disinclinated
jcster Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Wow! She certainly sounds childish! She never says please or thank you? She doesn't respect your things? And yet she calls you on whatever is bothering her. Sorry, I thought for sure you were blowing things out of proportion. I really have no advice to give you - she sounds pretty annoying.
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