Am I a bad daughter?

[LoveLace]

In another section I saw a thread about family and it got me thinking.

 

I'm an only child and mom lives right down the street. Dad left her for another woman 15 years ago. She had a boyfriend that lived with us for quite a few years, but she just suddenly didn't want him there anymore. He moved out a few years ago. Since then, she's let a couple of family members live there at a time when they had no where else to go. One of them finally got their own place, the other one is doing time in jail with a couple more years to go (not really family but close); anyhow, she's lived alone ever since then.

 

My mom's a pretty independent woman for the most part, and she's constantly running around with errands and such. She is 55 and the Dr's say the Osteoperosis is very bad for her age; and that she is declining quickly. So I definitely worry about her and told her I will start walking with her once my nursing school schedule slows down. I work full time and school full-time too; so I barely have time for anything. When I do have time, all I want to do with it is be a vegetable. Through the week I manage to work, study, go to classes, and work-out, among other things. My nursing clinicals take place on weekends. A 70% is an F for nursing school, so I work my a** off. Enough of that; needless to say I rarely get to spend time with her, even though she lives 1 minute away. She tries to talk me into moving in with her. I am 30 years old and I do not want to live with my mother.

 

Before dad left, she hardly ever worked and got to stay home with me, etc. So she didn't have a choice and has been working ever since then. She constantly talks about how tired she is from work. She's awesome and does laundry for me, helps me out of financial situations, and will do anything for me. The problem is, now she's already building it all up like an IOU bank. Lately she's been talking about how I'm going to support her when I am a nurse. I'm pretty sure that she thinks we are going to live together. One day she said, "if you ever move out of this town you better take me with you".

 

I love my mom to pieces. But I haven't even truly started my life yet. I still live in a tiny apartment, still single and starting my own family is the 1st thing I will work on when nursing school is over. She knows this, so it pisses me off that she is already putting such pressure on me to make sure that she's happy. I know nurses make good money, but she pretty much says she wants to quit working so that I can support her. So by the time I support myself, the family that I want, and her, the hard work I'm doing right now won't mean anything because there won't be a cent left for me to show it. She also thinks that I'm going to hook up with a rich Doctor. I guess that's why she thinks I'll be able to support her. But she's thinking way too far out here. I'm aware that eventually she WILL have to live with me when she really can't take care of herself. This is why I don't want to have to deal with it, before it really needs to be dealt with.

 

Am I a bad daughter for feeling this way?

[laRubiaBonita]

i think you are shoulding yourself. what works with one chic and her mother is not necessarily what will work for you.

 

You are an adult, and yes, just because you live super close, does not mean you have to be in the presence of one another more than if you lived further.

 

also, your mother knows where you live too... relationships are a two way street.

 

i live about 15 minutes from my parents, and they do ask me to come over for dinner or to just drop by when they want to see me. and the same goes for me with them. we still have dinner together as a family, but as a family, we are getting older... and it is (usually) an understood thing that, my sisters and i are adults, and we do need to be independent.

[quankanne]

no, though I think she's putting too much merit in her expectations of you, rather than encouraging your independence even though she must miss spending time with you now that work and school have you cornered.

 

is there an easy way to approach the subject? Prolly not. However, you will want to have a sit-down with her to find out why she feels the way she does, and how that doesn't mesh with the life you're pursuing. It's got nothing to do with loving her or not loving her, but with carving out a life that works best for you.

[LoveLace]

It makes me a bit angry with my dad even though I'm very close to him -- he will retire next year, move to Florida with my step-mom, and he will no longer be required to give money to my mother. He's basically leaving me to raise her from there on. I am only 30 and barely getting my life started so I'm stressed as it is and I think its BS. I feel bad for hating it so much. And I think a reason mom puts no effort into finding a man is because she's counting on me.

[ruby_gloom]

i think you are being too selfish.

[laRubiaBonita]

i think you are being too selfish.

 

are you, Ruby, an only child?

[LoveLace]

i think you are being too selfish.

 

Selfish because I have goals beyond nursing school, and one of them is not to support her, at least not until I really have to? She's still in good enough health and physically fit enough to work. I will gladly take care of her when she really needs it, which she doesn't yet, but is acting like I should just because I'm supposed to. I don't think it's shelfish to want to get my own life going or to want to start a family. She would be very much a part of that family. But in the mean time she is still independent enough to be on her own. Yet she wants me to dedicate my money and myself to her before I even really have to. I don't feel that I'm working my royal a** off for her in nursing school. It's for ME, not her or anyone else. It's so that I can make other dreams come true later. And I won't be able to if she's going to whine every time I want to do something alone.

 

I told her after graduating nursing school (next year), that I've been thinking about being a Traveling nurse, but only for about a year--NOT permenantly. She had a huge fit and said I'd better take her with me. What? I have no obligations here, no husband, kids or even a boyfriend, so this is the only time of my life when I have the chance to do things like travel, things I probably won't get to do later in life (because I'll be busy taking care of HER). I don't think its fair for her to expect me to take her with me everywhere I go.

 

Besides, I know I'm not selfish because I already know I will give her money when I have a lot of it, I just think its a little much that she expects that she can just stop working and do nothing because of it. I will give enough to HELP her....I don't want to be her soul support, not financially, or socially, that's too much pressure. If I was already settled with a house and kids, etc, hell I might have let her move in by now. But unlike my friends who are well into pursuing this dream, I'm still far from it and not by choice. I will be in my late 30's and 40's with small children (hopefully) while Mom is expecting me to take care of her too. I'm only child and will have no help what so ever...especially if I never meet MR. Right, I'll have to do the Solo mom thing.

 

I just already feel that I'll be spending the rest of my life taking care of everyone else with no one to take care of me. I've always been quite independent myself but it's beginning to exhaust me, and I'm still far from reaching my goals. Perhaps I'm just venting and no one can give me answers. But I do not consider myself selfish.

[dbtmarley]

The guilt and the feelings you are going through hint at a bit of co-dependancy. You want to make others happy while feeling guilt over any hint of short comings to others (mother's) expectations.

You are not a bad daughter... You are a duaghter who loves and respects her mother. Your mother is not a bad mother, but she also is not encouraging your independance by putting such demands on you...

It is my guess that regardless of what people tell you here that you will continue to feel the guilt you are feeling now.

Sorry I could not give you some better advice, your story just sounded a bit like I was... kinda struck a lil nerve if you know what I mean.

Thomas

(Who sometimes tries to please everyone)

[ruby_gloom]

are you, Ruby, an only child?

 

ah, that's kind of hard to answer. i would say no, but some others would say yes.

 

Selfish because I have goals beyond nursing school, and one of them is not to support her, at least not until I really have to? She's still in good enough health and physically fit enough to work. I will gladly take care of her when she really needs it, which she doesn't yet, but is acting like I should just because I'm supposed to.

 

sorry, but i can't help but feel that you are more preoccupied with the health and well being of your roommate rather than your mother's. and i find that wrong, but that is just my opinion.

 

also, i think you are selfish because you are complaining too much. she is your mother. no, you are not expected to do anything for her, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't.

 

it bothers me that children of parents always react so strongly when it comes time to give back a little. the fact stands that your mother has a medical condition that can be severely debilitating, and you, imo, should be there for her. i realize that you are not saying that you won't be, but if i was your mother and saw what a dread and drag you think this will be, i would be too hurt to want your help. imo, help offered after kicking and screaming is invaluable.

 

further, i also believe you should care for her if you want to, not because you feel you have to. if you do it for the latter reason, imo, the lives of both you and she will be very distasteful.

 

i understand that it is your life, but you should be grateful that you have your mother as a part of it, and a good one, it seems. the way you post about it, you make it sound as though she's going to move in with you tomorrow and live with you forever, and that is not the case.

 

but what i don't understand is how you claim to not be able to make time to take a walk with her every other day or so! people with her condition can greatly benefit (and everyone really, especially people over their 50s) from movement and exercise. why you can't go for a stroll with her every two days or so is beyond me, and to be honest, i don't buy that.

 

i work and go to school full time, too, and have a commute that is to abhor, and yet i still have time to walk my dog. now, i'm not comparing the two in the slightest, but i'm saying that i still have time for a 20 minute walk, even though i'm tired. i understand that it's my responsibility, in a way (not my dog), and that he needs to be walked, and that 20 minutes is not going to kill me.

 

now if i can do this for a dog, then wondering whether it can be done for my mother is out of the question!

 

and if you don't want to care for her or move in with her or any of that, then let her know. she shouldn't be thinking about expectations that may be too much, so you need to bring her back down to earth and let her know this. by you letting her carry on in creating a world that will never be, you are not helping her in the slightest.

[LoveLace]

I don't say anything to let mom think it's going to be that way. She's assuming it all on her own. Maybe that's the part that bothers me. I've never once said, "mom, when I graduate school and make a lot money, you can move in and quit your job". She just assumes it. And maybe its not tomorrow but I graduate next year, that's practically tomorrow. Your right though, all I can do is tell her I'm not ready for all of it yet. When she really needs me I'll be glad to be there. But unitl then I think I have every right to be left alone in order to live my life. And your wrong, because I worry myself sick about her medical condition, even though it isn't severe yet. That's why I want to live my life as much as I can NOW, before the condition is so bad that I won't have time to think of myself much. I don't see how that's selfish. And I'm complaining because she has no idea how much she pressures me to make her a grandmother but to be her financial support too. I have no complaints about her as a mother in general.

 

And I do not have 20 mintues a day to walk with her. I have school until 10pm 2 X week and clinicals on weekends, which require 4 hours of paper work to be done the night before. My nights without school are the only nights I have to study and do homework. And I'm so tired all the time that 8 hours of sleep feels like 4 the next day. I have to use the gym at school if I want to exercise before class, which gives me enough time to do a quick run on the treadmill, and that's it. I barely have time to exercise myself, so how am I supposed to exercise with her everyday? Besides, I told her when my schedule gets lighter this summer, that I'll be able to walk with her once a week. That is the maximum that I can give, especially if I want to enjoy a social life, too. Even now, I only get to hang out with friends maybe once a month. For a social butterfly like myself, the sacrifice is a big one.

 

And of course I'm concerned with my roommate because we are best friends and we LIVE together. We deal with daily issues that take place in our homes, and he is it for me. If I didn't care about my mom, I wouldn't be posting about it. I'm just as worried about her and as I am about my roommate. If it was up to me I'd be everybody's God but I can't and I feel guilty about it.