lost0604 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Wow so ok get this...yesterday my MM brought his son into work with him...and I brought mine. They have played together a few times before in the office. I really didn't want to cause I was afraid I'd get upset or how hard it would be...and of course I was right. His son seems to like me and often comes into my office. Even ate lunch with me the day before. My MM had to bring him in cause the W was away. He doesn't usually. Anyway, we ended up taking them to the park on lunch...was nice but I am at the point in this R where I can't just enjoy it being nice without thinking yea but it's not real, I'm in a bubble and I want it so bad. I am starting to ruin all the nice moments this way. So the big ouch is coming...sorry...MM had some clients in the morning and they saw the kids and me by him and said oh is this your family? I felt incredibly warm inside for the briefest of seconds until I hear MM say "no, this one is mine and this is our SECRETARY and her son" First off I am the office manager/bookkeeper so why the word SECRETARY came out of his mouth I have no idea. Not that there is anything wrong with being one but I'm just not. Granted what else was he gonna say? um no this is my mistress and her child. or even say yes it is when everyone in our office knows we are not. I logically know I have no right to be upset and yet emotionally it was just a hard reality. One that is also helping me realize I may just need to walk away from all this.
Seen_It_All Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Admittedly, when reality sets in, it's never pretty. When you peel away all the sugarcoating, one fact strongly remains - a cheating MM will ALWAYS protect his own a*ss first. If that means disrespecting YOU or throwing YOU to the wolves, never, EVER doubt for a second that that's exactly what he'll do.
Author lost0604 Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 seen it all- yea i can't really blame him on this one. it was really the reality of that being the case. that i am not his family
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 He can easily do that because he isn't inlove with you. Look at how he said it, he could have said, oh no this is a co-worker, or a friend, he could have introduced you by name, but...He CHOSE to say secretary because it was the first thing that popped into his head, he panicked and KNOWS what he is doing is wrong. I understand that both of your kids were at work, but man, imagine how his wife would feel knowing you've been around their children...I can't remember if you're still married or not, but what would your husband think and feel about some other guy being around his child! This was a reality check, he classified it all in one sentence and it hurt you. Yes, use this as a wakeup call to emotionally detach and GET away from him.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 seen it all- yea i can't really blame him on this one. it was really the reality of that being the case. that i am not his family The fantasy bubble burst, so take a big step back and think about it. You are not his family, even if you want to be, you're not. Sorry to sound harsh, but honestly, the sooner you 'see' what's happening and take the blinders off, the better off you'll be in the future. a cheating MM will ALWAYS protect his own a*ss first. If that means disrespecting YOU or throwing YOU to the wolves, never, EVER doubt for a second that that's exactly what he'll do. I agree.
IpAncA Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 He can easily do that because he isn't inlove with you. Look at how he said it, he could have said, oh no this is a co-worker, or a friend, he could have introduced you by name, but...He CHOSE to say secretary because it was the first thing that popped into his head, he panicked and KNOWS what he is doing is wrong. I understand that both of your kids were at work, but man, imagine how his wife would feel knowing you've been around their children...I can't remember if you're still married or not, but what would your husband think and feel about some other guy being around his child! This was a reality check, he classified it all in one sentence and it hurt you. Yes, use this as a wakeup call to emotionally detach and GET away from him. Lovely advice if I don't say so myself.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I don't know what he could possibly say? Oh, that's my son, my wife is out of town, this is my office manager who I run around with behind my wifes back and oh, her child. Or maybe... No, but I hope that they will be one day when I grow up and start making some decisions like a REAL man and stop stringing everyone along. What could he possibly say??
Onelife Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 All I can say is, the truth is the truth hurts!. That's why we are struggling with our situations and trying to find the way out. It's just the matter of how we could get out and if we would cause the least consequences to all parties involved. I wish you will get to hear the answer you want. I really do because I wish to hear the same thing! But I know that in reality there is just no way around it. Unless miracle happens! I know that is not bound to happen very often!!!
Author lost0604 Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 let me start off by saying thank you to those of you who have listened...sympathized...understood...and passed along thoughtful advice...however I'd also like to say that it seems to me that there are some posting on this board that have no idea what it is like to be in a situation like this. that we aren't all just homewreckers with emotional issues and that some of us really do fall in love and are better matches to these MM's. i don't feel like being told he isn't inlove with me was warranted. and i straight out said i know there wasn't much else he could say. it was just that fact in itself that hurt. every situation is different despite their similarities. we all have heartache in this and have feelings that get trampled on sometimes on a daily basis. I certainly try to post with my heart in my hand and expected the same. I understand tough love and perhaps i'm being oversensitive...i am pmsing and just very emotional with all that is going on with MM. I apologize if I come off any other way but hurt. I need you guys...
torranceshipman Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Lost0604, please listen to this...I was in SUCH a similar situation to you and your MM/manager sounds VERY similar to the skankbag I was involved with! - I was involved with my manager, and he really lied to me, horribly so, to try and start an A and keep it going (by saying he was splitting up with his long term G etc-we'd been friends for years - I think he really exploited my trust in him as a friend too)....anyway, when I found out the truth about everything, I dumped him and said I was going to tell his G, so he threw me under a bus, metaphorically speaking, by threatening to sack me. He apologised later but the damage had been done and he'd shown himself to be a pathetic, lying coward (well it made getting over him pretty easy, lol!). I think the way he called you his secretary shows a real lack of respect and I think he'd throw you under a bus too, immediately, to save his own ass. Not that I'm saying there is anything bad in being a secretary, but you know what I mean... He was being intentionally demeaning and belittling the valuable work you do at that company, by referring to you as the 'secretary'. That is nasty, and he has no right to treat you like that. My 'ex' (bleugh!) tried pulling the same stunts and asked me to do some PA/secretarial type duties, spcifically to try and belittle me, but I was having none of it...luckily I have a lot of respect at the company and the other managers/Directors really backed me up and wouldn't stand for him treating me that way...funnily enough they are now tryng to oust him from the company because he has become so unpopular, whereas I am doing great...very karmic (-; Anyway, dump the loser. You deserve more...he's belittling you at work, and he is lying to you, to get what he wants, and he is abusing his position at work. He's a coward, so even if he loves you, he'll still throw you under that metaphorical bus in a SECOND to save his ass, because thats what cowards do. And if the truth gets out or you make his life difficult, he'll soon become a bully as wel,l and believe me, that is NOT nice. You are SO much better than this and I think you should try to be strong and end the A as soon as you can.
torranceshipman Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Hey Lost, just read that previous post of yours about PMSing...sorry if my post came across as harsh!-just want to see you OK, and away from a bad guy, thats all. Lotsa hugs!! (-:
scaredinlove Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 let me start off by saying thank you to those of you who have listened...sympathized...understood...and passed along thoughtful advice...however I'd also like to say that it seems to me that there are some posting on this board that have no idea what it is like to be in a situation like this. that we aren't all just homewreckers with emotional issues and that some of us really do fall in love and are better matches to these MM's. i don't feel like being told he isn't inlove with me was warranted. and i straight out said i know there wasn't much else he could say. it was just that fact in itself that hurt. every situation is different despite their similarities. we all have heartache in this and have feelings that get trampled on sometimes on a daily basis. I certainly try to post with my heart in my hand and expected the same. I understand tough love and perhaps i'm being oversensitive...i am pmsing and just very emotional with all that is going on with MM. I apologize if I come off any other way but hurt. I need you guys... Hey Lost, maybe he just want to be cold not to raise and funny thoughts.You are better that way. You shouldn't feel sad, I know you want to be with him, but now you are not and it is better if no one knows. I've been a other woman for 5yrs, we used to work together and we got busted at work and by his W because MM was always showing affection in front of anybody.He act like we had a regular relationship.Now I wished he hadn't because we had a lot of problems at work and to have his W breathing behind my neck it is not nice either. Don't blame him for being carefull, maybe you should discuss your feelings with him. Ask him why he said that, tell him next time you would like to him to say something else...Let him know how you feel. Being a OW is tough business, think about what you want. I chose to be the OW as long as I can. But the only way I can do it is by realizing he might NEVER leave his W and that I will be always a secret ( sort of since everyone knows about me). You have to ask yourself if that is what you really want. If not you should move on. Hope you feel better!
sadbuttrue Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 lost, he couldnt have said anything else. i know you know that is true. no matter how much we would like to be introduced to the world as the one he loves, as OW we all know that is just not possible. tis the life we live so to speak. i dont think it had anything to do with his feelings for you. scaredinlove is right, this is a tough position to be in. the only way it is at all bearable is to believe you are getting all of him you ever will and be happy with that. if you still have hope it is so much harder and sadder. good luck.
BenThereDunThat Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Allright, this one is one of the few to bring me out of "lurking" status. She didn't come here to hear people tell her "get away from him, he's no good for you, blah, blah, blah...." What she came here for was to hear people say "mm called you a secretary??!! no way, girl, you deserve more than that, you're screwing him and he called you secretary?? I don't THINK so!!!" She disappeared from here soon after posting. Know why? Cuz she went to an OW-friendly site. A place where the dysfunction and disillusion runs rampant. Just interjecting before the generous, kind-hearted people here (and you know who you are) waste so much as a key-stroke on this chick. Cheers, BTDT
norajane Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 She didn't come here to hear people tell her "get away from him, he's no good for you, blah, blah, blah...." What she came here for was to hear people say "mm called you a secretary??!! no way, girl, you deserve more than that, you're screwing him and he called you secretary?? I don't THINK so!!!" Don't those amount to the same thing, really?
BenThereDunThat Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Don't those amount to the same thing, really? I don't follow...?
BenThereDunThat Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Seriously, Nora, I need to know what you meant by "don't those amount to the same thing?"..... If you mean secretary and OW amount to the same thing, I'm gonna have a problem with that. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions though because you've always struck me as a level-headed, intellectual poster.
norajane Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Seriously, Nora, I need to know what you meant by "don't those amount to the same thing?"..... If you mean secretary and OW amount to the same thing, I'm gonna have a problem with that. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions though because you've always struck me as a level-headed, intellectual poster. No, that's not what I meant. I mean, saying "get away from him, he's bad for you" is pretty much the same thing as saying "no way, girl, you deserve more than that, he called you his secretary, I don't THINK so!!!" Regardless of the reason she's being told he's bad for her/she deserves more (whether it's because he had the nerve to call her secretary, or because he has the nerve to have an OW who is not part of his family because he already has a family), the bottom line is he's bad for her, she deserves better, and leaving him is her best option.
BenThereDunThat Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 OK, gotcha. The difference is where people here would tell her, cut it out, stay away from a MM, you're getting lied to, etc. - that being the big problem, the other set is not about how it's a problem that you're doing a MM, it's that he called you a secretary. Know what I mean? That's what I feel the OP is being indignant about. Can you believe he had the nerve to call me his secretary to the client??? Um, as opposed to "this is the woman who lets me do dirty things to her on the side"?
norajane Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 OK, gotcha. The difference is where people here would tell her, cut it out, stay away from a MM, you're getting lied to, etc. - that being the big problem, the other set is not about how it's a problem that you're doing a MM, it's that he called you a secretary. Know what I mean? That's what I feel the OP is being indignant about. Can you believe he had the nerve to call me his secretary to the client??? Um, as opposed to "this is the woman who lets me do dirty things to her on the side"? I understand what you're saying - but I consider it as not being able to see the forest for the trees, focusing on the micro vs. the macro, focusing on the slight and ignoring the bigger picture.
sadbuttrue Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 btdt, she has a right to be offended that he called her a secretary if that is how she feels. even though she knows he can not publicly proclaim his love for her, she is hurt. cant you understand that?
sadbuttrue Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 i dont think she is unaware that she is involved with a MM and that it is wrong. just because OW dont state at the beginning of every post that we know we are involved with a MM and that it is wrong, does not mean that we do not realize it or forget it for even a moment.
BenThereDunThat Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I understand what you're saying - but I consider it as not being able to see the forest for the trees, focusing on the micro vs. the macro, focusing on the slight and ignoring the bigger picture. That is exactly what I'm saying. She's upset that he reduced her to "secretary" when really, in her words, she's so much more (an office manager, even). She's not so much upset at the big picture - which is that she's involved with a married man.
kymberann Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Well, I have been lurking too, however this one got to me. Lost, I am sorry you were put in that position, the reality of it sucks. I have had to go through my share of reminders too, most of us have! Whether others think you put yourself there and are responsible and should be accountable, it does not really matter. It is just another reminder of the dynamics you are in. However, sometimes we need to have reality stare us down and I think you made an insightful statement when you said you just need to walk away from this. It really does say it all, and yeah, you don't deserve this, you are better than that. You can change your reality if you really want to! The reason why I really wanted to post was that as I was reading this I was thinking in my head what a relief I don't have to go through what you are going through anymore. I have had my share, the pain has been dealt with and it gets better, easier. I can honestly say I have a much less lighter load not having to deal with XMM anymore! Not that I am bragging or rubbing it, it is just the reality of it. It's all painful, but it can get better. I wish the best for you in whatever you decide to do! Best
BenThereDunThat Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 i dont think she is unaware that she is involved with a MM and that it is wrong. just because OW dont state at the beginning of every post that we know we are involved with a MM and that it is wrong, does not mean that we do not realize it or forget it for even a moment. Agreed. So, if you know that you're involved with a married man, then how can you get upset that he introduced you to a client (or whomever) as something other than your lover? That goes along with the territory of an underground, hidden, illicit affair - does it not?
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