Guess I'll be moving over to Breaking Up

[Melovator]

I lost it on the weekend, I found a receipt from a night he'd spent with the OW , well I didn't find it, our son did (why is my son the one delivering these heart grenades?) He didn't know what it was, just a bit of paper out of daddy's bag, it was from months ago but I lost it, PMS'ing, son about to have an operation the next day then this. Not even enough respect to throw it away in a bin? He carries it around and brings it home?

When I said to him 'if you're all I don't know and saying you have limited emotional resources then shouldn't your son and I, your family get those resources first?" He was all "I'll think about what you've said."

So I said "I've had enough, no more, no more sex, no more."

Then it turns out sex with me, the mother of his child, is confusing but sex with the OW isn't.

So fine. Now I've just got to figure out how I stop being in love with him which is difficult because everything he does makes me fall in love with him (except the whole dealing with a life crisis by sleeping with another woman thing...) So I've stopped calling, SMS'ing emailing, I talk to him about our son and nothing else. But he doesn't get it, he wants to talk to me like nothing is wrong, to tell me about his day and his work, to kiss me goodbye when he leaves and acts hurt because I want to withdraw. So then I'm being hostile- I'm not being hostile, I'm trying not to be anything and then he says he doesn't want to argue when I'm not arguing with him and when I point this out he's got nothing to say.

I'm just tired of this whole thing he's made it clear that the OW rates higher than I do emotionally, so why is it wrong for me to want to read a book for five minutes instead of having to choke back tears watching him play happy families with our son?

Its all just so stupid and I'm tired of being stupid. I'm actually quite an intelligent woman when it comes to everything else in the world except him. I kind of figure I'm hurting bad now but every day above ground is a good day (except if you're brain dead- switch me off I'll be gone). I'll get through this, eventually, with lots of therapy that he can pay for. Anyway thanks to everyone here for putting up with my dribbling- I should probably move over to breaking up now.

[smartgirl]

I don't know that you are really ready to move to the breaking up forum. I don't know how long this has been going on and how long you have known about this. Maybe this has been going on for years, then that is another thing.

 

But if this is all relatively new you should do some work first on the marriage before you walk away. It sounds like you and your H are not talking or at least, not talking about the right things. He is in denial and you are to hurt and angry.

 

Therapy is the right place to start - but try a marriage counsellor first. Or have you done that already? Sorry if I am giving advice you have already tried. But it does sound like you would like to make this work. Has he promised NC with OW and then you've found out he is still seeing her? Sometimes they leave receipts around because they want to get caught. Don't know what your H is thinking.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think you have to move over to that section, you're still married and even if things end, the separation/divorce section might be a better place. Breakup section seems to be more for people in relationships/dating then those end, not marriages.

 

Definately look into going to therapy for yourself, to help you cope with this stuff, as well as posting here.

 

Seems your H needs to actually feel and SUFFER some consquences of his affair, some loss so he'll realize what he is losing...

 

Sorry for your pain and I hope he wakes UP before it's too late.

[Lynna]

Melovater, from reading some of your other threads and posts, it sounds to me like you have tried working on things with him. But like you said, it also sounds like he is not committed to you emotionally. He can't make up his mind because he has been able to have both you and the OW. I think you are taking the right approach now, by refusing to talk to him about anything but your son and having no contact with him otherwise. Maybe he will realize what he is missing by loosing you. If not, then you at least are moving yourself into more stable situation where you don't have to live with the constant struggle. I wish you all the best! Even if you do switch over, stop back occasionally and let us know how you are doing.

[Melovator]

I'm going to try and respond to all the posts in one if I can...

 

He never married me- we were supposed to get married in Hawaii last year but guess who didn't want to? (Actually he was right it was going to be a mess to organise and it would've taken a lot of time out of our holiday...). We've been together 14 years though and we used to always say how we didn't need a bit of paper like other people we knew who got married and shouldn't have. I found out two months ago, but suspected they were screwing much longer than that, as far as a timeline I have to presume this thing they've got has been going on for over a year and his and I's son is not even two yet.

 

I've been trying so hard to let him know that I'll listen if he needs to talk, but I just get dribs and drabs either in bed or when I've gotten emotional (ie crying or yelling which doesn't happen until I'm completely worked up- hate doing either). I said to him that I know the OW is a symptom, not a cause of the malaise (?), discontentment etc. he feels, but that if he'd turned to drugs or a bottle instead he'd be in rehab now. He has told me that he's made an appointment to see a psychologist, so maybe I shouldn't feel like an emotional manipulator for saying "If you won't see someone for yourself, do it for your son because he deserves a father who's a bit more than functioning." Ironically his first appointment is the same day I have my first appointment with a psychologist- need to keep some semblance of mental health so I can be a good mother (don't feel like one when I'm crying all the time).

 

So yes therapy is a good place to start and we should have started two months ago- longer! I should ahve at least started therapy when I got told I was imagining perfume in the car (high end bling bling underwear off stuff- not the cheap and cheery citrus smells I wear). I asked for NC with OW at that time- too abd I didn't ask her. But couldn't get him to touch the idea of cousnelling for us or for himself until now. Not that he's suggesting relationship counselling now and... I'm not talking to hima bout anything but our son so I'm not suggesting it (which sounds childish but I'm feeling a bit like the 8 year old me after daddy walked out the door right now so its probabaly not a good idea at this point.)

 

I love him, he's the father of my child and I'll don't think I'll ever not love him- I just don't want to be in love with him anymore because I want my heart to stop breaking. And I'm exhausted- my son has been very unsettled and it's like having a newborn again, and I figure my son deserves what little I have left in the emotional tank, rather than this rather boring and suburban melodrama. I had a miscarriage at the beginning of the year and I guess its a bit like that- though actually hurts way more which I didn't think was possible- I'm not the first woman this has happened to, I won't be the last. Then I start singing 'The Sun will come out tommorrow' followed by "it's a hard knock life"- Annie was a favourite of mine as a child.

 

So I don't know about anything, even moving to a differnt forum because I like the people here.. thank you all.

[Melovator]

Now he's all upset with me because I'm going to a friend's house straight away when he gets here tonight to see our son and not having dinner with him. "Don't you want to talk?" He asked, "Why?" I replied, what I really wanted to say was "I've been saying I want to talk, and I'm here to talk for the last two months you jerk." He's made it clear he's not giving OW up so he can get stuffed, I've been nice and patient for too long. I don't want to be a bitch, I just don't want to see him because it makes me feel bad and then he wants to make me feel bad about that! Many other women would ahve told him to get stuffed when they found out and certainly would not have been as nice and understanding. I don't want to be angry at him (waste of emotional energy I just don't have) but this pisses me off. I don't get to have emotional boundaries? I just have to keep smiling so he doesn't feel bad? Just go on like everything's normal between us? I ahve no idea how he can think that everyhting can just be okay.

[whichwayisup]

GET mad, you deserve that! Don't discount your own feelings because you're worried you may come off sounding bitchy!

 

Your H has made some stupid choices, so why not let him start suffering some consquences of his actions? He's a big boy and can take it. He made his bed and now he has to lay in it.

[Melovator]

GET mad, you deserve that! Don't discount your own feelings because you're worried you may come off sounding bitchy!

 

Your H has made some stupid choices, so why not let him start suffering some consquences of his actions? He's a big boy and can take it. He made his bed and now he has to lay in it.

 

I always discount my own feelings- I'm a nurturer by nature and I realised that my son needs me to take care of myself and that measn not letting his father break my heart anymore. Because of my son I can't have NC, even though its really what I want right now- so contact is only about our son.

 

He should suffer the consequences of his actions- and that means that I'm not happy little housewife waiting at home for happy families to begin and for him to get whatever he wants emotionally from me while giving nothing in return and then buggering off back to sleep with slutty OW (I know not all OW's are slutty-my grandfather had the same mistress for years- but this one has slept with at least two men other than him in the space of a month- so three in one month- I've only slept with one man in my life and no I'm not some weird fundie or even religous- but it astounds me how he can value that over me- even if she is hot.)

 

I'm just so confused and tired... why is he bothering to make an effort when its clear I'm not his emotional priority? Why is he getting upset because I need to change my emotional priorities to deal with that? I'm trying ahrd not to go all angry and bitter- you should see my mother's face- I don't want that staring back at me in the mirror for the rest of my life.

[Lynna]

It sounds like you are taking your own feelings and your sons needs into highest priority right now which is good, that is just what you should be doing. If you tried to be there and tried to talk with him before and he was not willing to committ to making your relatiship work by giving up all contact with the other woman, then he blew it. Your current approach is the right idea. You are letting him know that he can't have it both ways, he needs to choose what he wants.

 

I know it is extremely hard. I am so sorry about your miscarriage! Probably the reason this is harder than that is you know with the miscarriage it was nature, something just went wrong, but with this he consciously CHOSE to hurt and betray your trust. That is excruciating pain because once that trust is broken, it can never be completely whole again. When you break a vase and glue it back together, you can still see the cracks, they are still zones of weakness within the whole vase. And now, he can't even make the decision to try gluing it all back together. He is grinding the shards into smaller pieces by continuing to be with the other woman. Unfortunately, you still see the beauty of the whole, unbroken vase and can't glue it back yourself.

 

I am proud of you for standing up for your and your son's needs. He will see what he is loosing through his actions. I know it is incredibly hard, but know you are not alone.

[Melissa277]

but this one has slept with at least two men other than him in the space of a month- so three in one month

 

 

Eeeewwwww. YUK. That is beyond disgusting.

[Melovator]

When you break a vase and glue it back together, you can still see the cracks, they are still zones of weakness within the whole vase. And now, he can't even make the decision to try gluing it all back together. He is grinding the shards into smaller pieces by continuing to be with the other woman. Unfortunately, you still see the beauty of the whole, unbroken vase and can't glue it back yourself.

 

I never exepected the vase to be that beautiful again, but I thought the cracks would add character and there's a beauty in that. The metaphor we were both using for the first 3 weeks after DD was 'building another boat'. Unfortunately he decided that building a new house boat was too hard and he'd run off in the rubber dinghy instead. Anyway, I can build my own damn boat and fix my own vase any way I like now.

 

I have to keep talling myself that I'm doing the right thing that I can't become the thing I most despise- needy and co-dependent and only happy when he's around or I've talked to him, I've never felt that way before- desperate. And I didn't like it, which is probably another reason why I blew up at him last weekend. I'm better than being some pallid, pale imitation of myself.

 

But i came home last night from being at a friend's house and was starting to get changed for bed and he comes in and starts talking about our son and what they did during the evening and how he settled down- I'd gotten as far as unbuttonning my jeans when he came in so I just held them up and waited for him to finish talking and go and then it became kind of clear that he was waiting for me to start get undressed, so I said goodnight and closed the door.

 

Fifteen minutes later I'm reading in bed reading and he comes in and rather sheepishly asks "I don't suppose you're horny?" In all honesty I'm pretty easy to get going so I could have got there- but I counted to ten and then politely said "I'm not sleeping with you until you're not sleeping with OW." He sort of paused for a minute and then said quietly "well I guess that's appropriate." and then he wants to give me a kiss goodnight, so I moved my head so he got my brow and then told him goodnight and he went back to the spare room.

 

Then, this morning he says he's coming back here tonight! What the? This is bizzarre! I am living in Bizzarro world because I know he can't have had sex with her for at least 2 weeks (last week he had dinner with her but called me just before he went- not that he told me who he was having dinner with but its pretty obvious when he doesn't say who it is and then called me two hours later and was back in his office working- his office has very distinctive acoustics). So I would have thought after last weekend's conversation and the following week that he'd feel free now just to go do whatever he wants because I don't care anymore. (Well I don't want to care, actually not caring could take a while.)

 

I was looking forward to a night of housepainting and hopefully some mental stillness now I don't know what to expect. I just don't understand his behaviour. Stupid men (I know you're not all emotional cripples fellas- but that seems to be the exception rather than the rule).

[Lynna]

Good for you!!!!! Sounds like you made your point VERY well!!! Of course, now sticking to it will be difficult if he decides to keep hanging around. Maybe he is coming back because he is realizing what he is loosing! Go ahead with your plans for painting for the evening, though the mental stillness part will be much harder. Don't change your plans for him, let him go play with your son or whatever. Continue your current course of not caring (at least as far as you let him see that is). If he is smart he will offer to help. You might want to decide before hand whether you want to accept that offer or not. That could be too much together time leading to talking about things that you might not want to. But then again, it might be him finally making an effort. Who knows. As you said, actually not caring will take a VERY long time, but keep up the act and show him what he has done. Best of luck to you!!!!

[Melovator]

So he didn't end up coming over and I know he went to see OW because the blank spots in his conversation were enourmous, so I got off the phone quickly. He always pauses in the break where I used to always say 'I love you' at the end and I couldn't hang in the gap for a second, so i just said bye.

Because I got upset about him not coming, when I was already upset that he was going to be there. So stupid.

Don't want to be stupid anymore. Don't want to start crying at four in the morning about a life I don't have anymore and the babies I'm not going to have either. I don't want to have to conciously reassemble myself over and over again. I'm just so sick and tired of this.

I'm tired of having to tell myself I'm going to be okay- can I just get to okay already? He's a bl**dy idiot and many other fine swear words. I hope his warm bed gives him some sting like a b**ch STD. And I know I'll get bad karma for writing that but right now don't care.

I'll be okay, eventually?

[Lynna]

You will be okay, eventually. It takes a long time though. Right now you are grieving over what you have lost, that takes a lot of time. I know you want to be okay (I feel the same way myself). Keeping busy helps me, distracts me so I don't think of it so often. Keep doing things for you that make you feel good, pamper yourself. It is okay to cry and let out the pain and grief. Then do something nice for yourself and/or your son, make sure to have plenty of good to balance the bad (hmm, that is something I need to remember myself!). It will all be okay eventually.

[Melovator]

Painted last night- truly an activity for the heartsick, allows you think without getting overwrought. Though he came over for dinner and made excuses to hang around after our son had gone to bed- I was wearing my best painting gear- ie too big tracksuit pants and an ancient singlet and he goes 'you're looking very fetching.' I told him he knew what he had to do if he wanted to fetch this, and he was little boy voice 'I know'. Then I told him goodbye and went back to painting.

I don't know what he's thinking, my best friend suggests he thinks he can do what he wants because I'll still be around when he gets back. Well if he's thinking that he is mistaken, because for the first bloody time since I found out I didn't cry after he left the house last night. In fact did crazy MC Hammer dance to 'U can't touch this'- my iPod seems to be psychic in shuffle mode at the moment.

I can't say that there's not some small part of me of let's say one third that hasn't given up hope that he'll dump OW and come back, but there's still one third 'don't know' and another third of 'he ain't coming back-get over it'. But those latter two thirds mean I have to push myself to get him out of my head. He's not a him I want to be with right now and maybe he never will be again.

But I think I'm doing okay (well for the next five minutes...) and I have plenty of good people and things in my life, so I'll just keep focusing on that.

[Lynna]

Alright Melo!!!!! Good for you girl! Sounds like to me you are starting to move forward with life. Some of the stress is easing off as you take charge of your situation. You are strong and courageous! Like you said, keep focusing on the good things. It still will take a while to get over it all completely but you are on the way!

[Melovator]

Thanks Lynna but not feeling strong and corageous now. Yesterday I didn't cry and only once got that hot teary feeling briefly. Then this morning I'm teary again. This sucks. Its his birthday in a couple of days and he wants to be here in the morning for it. And I know he'll want to play the whole happy family routine and make me take pictures of him opening his present with our son and he'll be upset if I don't play along.

 

But I'm tired of feeling like I have to support his emotional needs, like I'm the one who has to support him through a break-up he wants but isn't man enough to say is what he wants, or maybe he's not woman-enough, or person-enough.

 

At the moment he isn't enough of anything for me emotionally, because I feel like he only wants to talk to me about me so he can make sure he doesn't need to keep feeling sh*t about himself. So I'm not and I haven't been talking to him about anything but our son, but he keeps saying things that talk about 'us' or 'we', and he'll call me 'babe' or some other endearment that he probably doesn't even realise he's saying. And I know that what he says is meaningless but my heart gives a leap each time.

 

Stupid heart, needs retraining, its been conditioned to respond to him for 14 years and I guess I can't change that long a habit overnight. I should just bite the bullet and tell him to start looking for his own place rather than coming up here a couple of nights a week- because both my son and I will have to adjust to not seeing each other a couple of days a week eventually so i might as well get it started, even though its a gigantic kick in the guts to think about not being there for him. I already go out on one night to catch up with various friends, so I dunno- I'll learn french or how to play the drums on the other, or you know actually work on my goddamn novel. That way I won't have to see him and get all confused by him.

 

Goddamn it! I wish my inner feminist bitch was a hardcore radical instead of being a postmodern hippie then I could just tell him to 'f**k off' instead of trying to be understanding and nice.

 

Dammit he just called and was talking about how much 'we're investing in this tax year' and 'these investments are yours too' and its really nice because he knows I have issues about financial security because of how poor my family was after my father left but I don't really give a crap about money. Broke doesn't scare me- I lived there for most of my life and its hard and sucky but I'd rather have that than financial support from him just to ease his conscience. I got some pride, and I ain't no charity case.

 

Aughhh! Stupid dumbf**k, idiot, wombat-assed wanker!

 

Going to the psychologist today- I don't expect miracles and that I'm going to walk out feeling a thousand times better- but hopefully I can get a helping hand with the getting towards mental wellness. Just feeling AUGHHH!!!

[Lynna]

Its his birthday in a couple of days and he wants to be here in the morning for it. And I know he'll want to play the whole happy family routine and make me take pictures of him opening his present with our son and he'll be upset if I don't play along.

 

So let him be upset. Serves him right. He is the one that screwed things up, you don't have to be there for him anymore. Sure, you can take a picture of him and your son but that is it. Don't do anything special for him. Maintain as you have been about not talking to him about anything other than your son. Go back into the other room after you have taken the picture, or better yet, leave.

 

I'm tired of feeling like I have to support his emotional needs, like I'm the one who has to support him through a break-up he wants but isn't man enough to say is what he wants

 

You don't have to support him. Don't let him make you feel that way. He is an adult (physically at least, though seemingly not mentally) and he is the only one that can make his decision. You are simply making it very clear what you will and will not accept.

 

I feel like he only wants to talk to me about me so he can make sure he doesn't need to keep feeling sh*t about himself.

 

He should feel that way because that is what he is!

 

Stupid heart, needs retraining, its been conditioned to respond to him for 14 years and I guess I can't change that long a habit overnight. I should just bite the bullet and tell him to start looking for his own place rather than coming up here a couple of nights a week

 

That is an excellent idea. You are again making it very clear about your boundaries and what you find acceptable. You are forcing him to get off the fence and make a decision.

 

he knows I have issues about financial security because of how poor my family was after my father left but I don't really give a crap about money. Broke doesn't scare me- I lived there for most of my life and its hard and sucky but I'd rather have that than financial support from him just to ease his conscience. I got some pride, and I ain't no charity case.

 

No, you are not a charity case. Taking your half of any assets you both have together is not being a charity case, it is simply taking the share that you are entitled to. He should also contribute to the care of your son. Again, that is not charity, it is what would be happening anyway if you were still together. So though broke does not scare you, it should not happen. That is your money too, don't give it up. That is rewarding him for what he has done, so you don't want to do that.

 

wombat-assed wanker!

 

Now that is one great insult! I have to remember that one!

 

Going to the psychologist today- I don't expect miracles and that I'm going to walk out feeling a thousand times better- but hopefully I can get a helping hand with the getting towards mental wellness.

 

Hope it went well today. You are doing great, really you are! You are strong and will get through this however it ends up!

[Melovator]

 

Now that is one great insult! I have to remember that one!

 

Hope it went well today. You are doing great, really you are! You are strong and will get through this however it ends up!

 

Womat assed wanker is one my better ones. I've moved over to seperation and divorce- this thang is over. Thanks Lynna

[Lynna]

Best of luck to you! (I love your picture!) Take care!