what do i do?! (this is a long post!)

[sprinkles]

my boyfriend and i have been dating almost two years. he is an only child and i am the oldest of three. his dad recently died and i only just found out that at the age of twenty he had never done either dishes or laundry and had absolutely no clue how to operate the machines. he has an addictive personality and so do i, drinking and smoking cigs esp. he is clingy, i am now trying to figure out who i really am. its a difficult point in life for both of us. we went through a lot of things together. the relationship began as just physical but progressed to emotional, as usual. after this much time and after recent events, i have realized that i cannot care for him as he needs to be cared for at this time. i love him with all my heart and i know he loves me too. but then i broke up with him. the stress was getting to me. i hadn't done my laundry in so long that i was out of clean clothes to wear. when i woke up every single morning, it was to him calling my cell. when i got off work every night, usually i would spend ten minutes at home and then leave to spend time with him.

so obviously, we spent a lot of time together and were a major part of each others lives. we loved each other fiercely. now, i cant handle the stress of a relationship. i fear for my mental health and have been suicidal pre-breakup. a large reason i broke up with him was because i was afraid id kill myself while i was with him and he would blame himself. i didnt want to leave him with that guilt. i have few friends that arent mutual. my whole family hates every boyfriend ive ever had, usually after the first meeting.

now that ive broken up with him, i feel like this pain will never go away. i hurt my best friend in the whole world and we are trying to stay friends but the boundary lines are difficult to draw. whenever i think of how i hurt him, i hate myself very much. he tries to give me no guilt. he really really tries, but i can see the hurt in his eyes. i really love him. i just dont want to hurt him while im going through whatever it is that is wrong with me. i know something is wrong with me psychologically, but lack the healthcare that would allow me to try to deal with this. whether through psychology or medication. i know i need help. i know i am suicidal and i know that breaking up with my best friend isnt helping my situation at all.

i dont know what other details i can add, so please feel free to ask any questions you might have. i just could really use some advice on my situation. if i dont reply immediately, i am not using my own computer, so i will check this as often as i can.

thanks in advance for anyone who can help.

ive never broken up with a guy because of me. even if i told the guy that it was because of me, it was really because of him. i cant stand to leave this one alone, to abandon him. he really needs all the friends he can get and all the emotional support he can get. his father was the only one working and paying all the bills. imagine placing the debt of a bill-neglectful 50 year old onto a 20 year olds shoulders! he hasnt even began getting jobs in the field he is going to school for.

i could really use any advice whatsoever.

thanks again

[tanbark813]

Well first and foremost, don't kill yourself over the situation. If you really feel yourself getting to that point then call a suicide hotline.

 

Secondly, there is such a thing as being too nice and this is a good example. You have good intentions as far as not wanting to hurt the guy and wanting to remain friends but realistically that causes more problems. You'll be doing both you and him a favor by making a clean break of things at least for an extended period of time while you can both heal from the break-up. Breaking up f**king sucks, no doubt about that, but the pain does go away. Trying to stay friends immediately after the split is like continually picking at the scab forming over a wound. It never has a chance to fully heal. It's best to just leave it alone and not touch it at all and let it heal naturally. Emotional wounds are very similar to physical wounds in some respects. It's also late and I think I'm getting on too many tangents but there ya go.

[socialight]

but I still don't have a clue why you dumped the guy. Because he wouldn't do laundry?