fray718 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Casual Dating - Two people date and do stuff that couples do (even hold hands, etc) BUT for example the guy later tells the girl he doesnt want a relationship at this point in his life (or perhaps he even specifically states he does not want a relationship with HER). But he still calls her and wants to date her and sometimes the girl goes with it thinking maybe he'll be ready later on or he'll change her mind. All sound familiar? For guys who've done this with girls, what EXACTLY was going through your mind? Why do this to girls?
tanbark813 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I've been the guy in that situation before. It was because I liked her enough to f**k her but didn't consider her relationship material, plain and simple.
Author fray718 Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 What if the girl said she won't have sex with you because she'd only get intimate with guys that are serious with her? Would you still date her for enjoyment of her company or would you ditch her? I once had a guy who still dated me despite the fact that I took away the sex part but nonetheless it still hurt like crazy and it had to end.
tanbark813 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 What if the girl said she won't have sex with you because she'd only get intimate with guys that are serious with her? Would you still date her for enjoyment of her company or would you ditch her? Maybe. It depends on the girl and the circumstances.
Lauriebell82 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 So you're willing to share the most intimate act possible with a person, yet she's not good enough for a relationship? That's whack. It's not "the most intimate act" to a lot of guys. It's just sex, just an activity. A lot of people view sex as not a big deal, it's just something you do and it doesn't mean jack.
Author fray718 Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 Maybe. It depends on the girl and the circumstances. Under which circumstances will you ditch the girl (this seems obvious), and under which will you keep dating her (not so obvious)?
underpants Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 The girls equivalent of this scenario is 'going slummin'. I am sure you have entertained the thought of dating someone who ...might just not do it for you, (or who you know ....it can't work with), but you ...try him on, so to speak. You might even be interested enough to hang out a little more (or a little more hot and heavy) then you think you should. As far as the conversations, if a guy tells you something along these lines, then you should believe it. Don't think by being with you and getting to know you he will change his mind. He might but, doubtful, and something he should say to you without any coaxing. In (alot) of men's minds once they utter this proclamation it is their law/contract. Meaning it does not really matter ....what you want, or what you say, and in some cases what they say after. They will fall back on this statement when the pressure hits. Some dudes are just persisant and want one thing, probaby keeping all options open. It's all part of the process of trying to find our partner. Don't worry too much about what someone else is thinking. If they care they tell you(even if it isn't what you want to hear). Enjoy the ride. Unders
tanbark813 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Under which circumstances will you ditch the girl (this seems obvious), and under which will you keep dating her (not so obvious)? It could be any number of things for either question. Maybe I just got out of a relationship, maybe I've been single for a while and have no serious prospects and just want to go out and have fun, maybe I'm waiting for something better to come along, maybe I'm not interested in anything serious, etc., etc., etc.... The circumstances for me, personally, don't mean anything. It's the views of your current interest that are important here. These days I'm less inclined to date someone just for the sake of dating someone but it's sometimes been like that in the past.
norajane Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 There are some guys who just can't be without a girl, regardless of whether they're into her or not. There are women like that, too - they just have to have a guy to go out with because they don't want to be without a guy or because they just can't stand being at home alone, or out with only their girlfriends. I think it's partly an ego thing, and partly an immaturity thing, partly a needy thing, and partly a 'bored with their own company' thing.
Star Gazer Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I've been the guy in that situation before. It was because I liked her enough to f**k her but didn't consider her relationship material, plain and simple. Tanbark813!!! Wait, what am I saying? He's right. Fray, hun, it doesn't really matter what his reasons are. He doesn't want the same thing you do - a serious relationship with you. There's no point beating yourself up over this...just pick yourself up and move on. Trust me, you'll find someone who's on the same page and wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with him, it's just not this guy.
prisoner Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Intimacy, like all things, occurs in layers. The scenario you describe is some kind of methodology for two people to try and exercise the one illusion we all subscribe to: that we can control who we are attracted to. We either do want to spend time with someone or we do not. We either do spend time with someone or swe do not. We either do hold hands. We either don't call them first. We do this. We don't do that. Most of us know that we are actually distracted. We always think about two things at once. We replace people. We move to the best possibility. We live in the moment. We are capricious. It is called the modern world. dating has changed. Intimacy has been redefined. Nothing is as we knew it. Casual dating? It is an invention of our time. The need for company is not a bad thing. Put it this way, if this guy didn't explain how he felt I am sure the thread would have a different theme.
halfarock Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 What if the girl said she won't have sex with you because she'd only get intimate with guys that are serious with her? Would you still date her for enjoyment of her company or would you ditch her? I once had a guy who still dated me despite the fact that I took away the sex part but nonetheless it still hurt like crazy and it had to end. More than a few times I have carried on with a woman with no intention of ever getting into a real relationship but so very much enjoyed her company that I hung around almost like a boyfriend - and it just didn't matter if sex was involved or not. Sometimes the line between lover and friend isn't always all that clear.
Krytellan Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 "I hope she and the sex sticks around long enough for me to find someone else." combined with "I just can't handle being alone."
StayClose Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 If soemone is honest about their intentions whether or not to have a relationship with the other person, and the other person consents to casually date or have sex, then there is nothing wrong happening.
JD88 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Someone always ends up getting hurt in the end. I did a similar thing with a girl a few months back. I made it clear that I liked her but wanted to keep it as friends... that I don't know how many times I can see her and what not. She seemed to agree with this but finally I sensed something was up and she began acting cold. I decided to just not speak to her for a few weeks. And actually after those few weeks, I realised how much I actually missed her and cared for her... but the time I got back in touch and told her such, she said she wasn't feeling the same anymore. My loss. Things change. I personally don't think playing around without any emotion is healthy because somewhere in the end it's just gonna cause pain.
Star Gazer Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 If soemone is honest about their intentions whether or not to have a relationship with the other person, and the other person consents to casually date or have sex, then there is nothing wrong happening. I don't think anyone said there was anything wrong happening here. Although she might not like his intentions, it seems he's being honest with her at least. Someone always ends up getting hurt in the end. Usually yes. Every once in a while, however, a relationship like this can exist without any romantic feelings whatsoever.
Author fray718 Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 Someone always ends up getting hurt in the end. I did a similar thing with a girl a few months back. I made it clear that I liked her but wanted to keep it as friends... that I don't know how many times I can see her and what not. She seemed to agree with this but finally I sensed something was up and she began acting cold. I decided to just not speak to her for a few weeks. And actually after those few weeks, I realised how much I actually missed her and cared for her... but the time I got back in touch and told her such, she said she wasn't feeling the same anymore. My loss. Things change. I personally don't think playing around without any emotion is healthy because somewhere in the end it's just gonna cause pain. Unfortunately not all guys change their minds like you do...some never come around to miss and care for the girl like you....I've tried the no contact strategy before and the guys do come back but not the way you do since they still do not want to commit to me. It hurts inside. This happened to me twice in my life. The first time I got used and and went through hell with the guy (and this guy was not honest about his intentions with me) but second time around I aint falling for it with this new guy. Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me.
monkey00 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I've been in this situation before, except the roles were swapped. I think this can work as long as both are honest about their intentions and what they expect from each other. It starts to become a trap if one person goes into denial and expects more than what was promised/proposed. Of course if it ends badly, you have no one to blame except yourself. But these types of relationships have potential to become full fledged LTR, it just depends where each person is at. Usually yes. Every once in a while, however, a relationship like this can exist without any romantic feelings whatsoever. True, but the majority of these so called relationships mean that the couple has fallen too deep in their comfort zone - or perhaps complacent about having their company present.
garnet Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 This happened to me once. I found out later from a mutual friend that during that time he was still in love with his ex-fiancee, who had rejected him. As long as he was still in love with her, no woman was going to measure up in his eyes. He did try to come back later, but because he had been somewhat of a jerk to me, I didn't want to go there.
LoveLace Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 "I hope she and the sex sticks around long enough for me to find someone else." combined with "I just can't handle being alone." I"m not a guy, but I'd say this statement hits the jackpot. Some people see dating as black or white. You are either in a relationship, or your just friends (NOT with benefits). There are all kinds of tips for finding love out there, but the best one I saw said "Let partners come and go". When 2 people date, they obviously have to discuss what each of them expects from the other...a relationship, sex, company, what have you. If the expectations are not satisfactory to one or both parties, it causes problems. Other people see dating as simply a fun activity, and they do not worry about weather or not it will lead to exclusivity. Men and women both are perfectly capable of leading someone on...by dating them yet claiming they don't want a relationship...and they don't feel they are doing anything wrong, they are just enjoying themselves. And it's all too common for someone to hope that another someone changes their mind, and wants to get serious after all. This is what ends up hurting us. Moral of the story is, when someone tells you they don't want to get serious, we shouldn't take it lightly. That person is either making an excuse so they can play you, or they really don't want anything serious. Either way, unless your ok with casual dating, move on and don't wait around!
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