BurriedAlive Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I have been reading a lot on LS and on affairs in general and it always seems like eventually MM contacts the OW many months after NC has begun. Whether it be to start the A again after the dust has settled after D day or maybe it's just to see how OW is doing or whatever the reason.... I guess TomCat's update makes me ask this question... Anyway, my question is: How often does the start of NC become the end of the communication between MM & OW forever????
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I would assume it depends on how big his ego is, how focussed he is on fixing his marriage and keeping his promise to his wife that he won't contact the OW.
Freedom Now Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 My xMM breaks contact every few weeks. D-day was over a year ago. He is no more interested in saving his marriage than fly, but he still stays with her.... Sometimes I respond back and sometimes I don't. He doesn't affect me at all. I just see him as a man in my past now. He evokes no feelings in me whatsoever. So, for me, we are truly "just friends..." But, I suspect that if I was willing to start back up the affair, it would be full steam ahead. Unfortunately for him, I am very interested in an available man. So, he will remain my friend. I want nothing more than that. And if I don't hear from him again (which is doubtful), I will be fine. Heck, I already am.
Tomcat33 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I would assume it depends on how big his ego is, how focussed he is on fixing his marriage and keeping his promise to his wife that he won't contact the OW. Well that's just it. Well said. If he doesn't respect his W's wishes to cut all contact, he really isn't respecting just how much he has hurt his W or his W for that matter. He just FINISHED lying to her to have the A and still continues to break yet another promise made to her... And yeah ego plays a huge part of it too. And never mind respecting the OW wishes to get on with her life too....he only cares about himself.
Onelife Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 BurriedAlive, I am so glad you started this thread! I am also curious about NC as my xMM broke the NCs many times. Well...I also did it once! We've probably had about 4-5 of them by now. Actually 10 including ones before D day. He always says that he just want to see how I am and want to hear my voice. I feel the same way but the contact(s) won't make anything better or change anything - NC does! Although I need to mark that each of the NC started - we did mean to do it. The pain, the struggle and the guilt caused from A just got worsen and worsen. It was hard everytime and until this time (the longest one ever - 7 days now), it's still very hard. We just try to do the right thing and move forward. I cannot say that I will not be glad to hear from him again and I do not wait for it. I do know that it's not healthy to keep having contacts and I will feel that we should have stopped for good with the last NC.:lmao: This has been the longest NC for us and I hope he sticks with it as I have no plan to break it. A is doomed from the start. Why keep hurting everyone involved, right?:lmao: Just need to live up to the decision so we all can move on! Hope this answers your question in some ways.
PoshPrincess Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I have been reading a lot on LS and on affairs in general and it always seems like eventually MM contacts the OW many months after NC has begun. Whether it be to start the A again after the dust has settled after D day or maybe it's just to see how OW is doing or whatever the reason.... I guess TomCat's update makes me ask this question... Anyway, my question is: How often does the start of NC become the end of the communication between MM & OW forever???? During my A with eMM I tried to initiate NC many times and he always broke it. Sometimes I did too but it was him more often than not. Our A continued for a few months after his W found out. After we finished over a year ago we were still keeping in touch sporadically although it was v painful. That wasn't because either of us wanted to continue the A - that was never going to happen - it was just because we felt we wanted to stay in touch. It was only when I got myself into a real state and totally lost it that he finally cut contact. At the time he cared about me enough not to want to carry on hurting me. We last spoke a week ago but that is the first time he has answered my call in five months. I'm not into game playing so don't withhold my number. I don't want him to speak to me if HE doesn't want to. We had a very general and very brief chat but not about 'us', I suppose because there is no 'us' anymore. Does NC mean 'the end' forever? In our sitch it certainly means a permanent end to the A. As for staying in touch, I suppose deep down I am glad that he can finally be strong because God knows I can't. It may not be a case of him being strong though, just that he actually doesn't want to have contact with me anymore! Maybe that's the difference.
Author BurriedAlive Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 Very interesting.... I guess as you all know, my MM just stopped talking to me then I was fired from work so we never said goodbye to each other - there is no closure. I have not made any attempt to contact him in the last month. I just have this gut feeling that someday he will call me again or email me. Are there an OWs out there who initiated NC and never heard from MM again???? Oh by the way - I start a new job on Monday!
PoshPrincess Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Pleased you've got yourself a new job, BA! You have proved to yourself that you ARE able to carry on life without MM. Although I hear from MM once in a blue moon I still don't feel I had 'closure' with our R as he kind of left me dangling with the whole "I love you and this may not be the RIGHT thing to do but is in the ONLY thing I can do AT THE MOMENT". Then I got the "who knows we may still end up together one day" so deep down I guess I still have that hope. I would rather him say, "F**k off, you were a mistake, I never loved you. I love my wife...." then I would have no choice but to move on. V difficult.
Onelife Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 PoshPrincess: "I would rather him say, "F**k off, you were a mistake, I never loved you. I love my wife...." then I would have no choice but to move on. V difficult." Dah, PoshPrincess! That is exactly what I wish my xMM would have said to me instead of "I love you so much! You are the love of my life and I have a feeling this is not the ending! It's just the beginning!" WTF! Once in a life time, why can't he just say it like a man? Or can he? Or it's just me who has been living in this illusion? Well I guess by this time things are different! Anyway I am glad I decided to get out of it one way or the other! Best wishes to you all who decide to get out of this rollercoaster ride! It's a very painful ride! I'm sorry if I sound very bitter. I am having a hard time dealing with reality tonight.
PoshPrincess Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Dah, PoshPrincess! That is exactly what I wish my xMM would have said to me instead of "I love you so much! You are the love of my life and I have a feeling this is not the ending! It's just the beginning!" WTF! Once in a life time, why can't he just say it like a man? Or can he? Or it's just me who has been living in this illusion? Well I guess by this time things are different! You know what, I don't think my MM was being gutless for getting out the way he did. I think it was a lot harder for him than if he HAD told me where to get off. I don't know what his motives were exactly. I am sure he knows that I would never take any kind of revenge whatever he did to me. That's not my style and, in any case, I wouldn't want to mess up his W and kids life (anymore than it already has been). To be honest, I think what he was really doing was hedging his bets. I think he was like, "Well, the easiest thing to do is to stay with my W but, just in case I change my mind, or my W kicks my ass out, I'll keep OW with just that little bit of hope". You know what I mean? I don't think he wanted to burn all his bridges. I sometimes wonder if I had said, "You can move straight in with me" would he have left? In other words, was he just scared of the financial resposibility of paying his family's mortgage and then having to pay rent on another place? Sorry, I'm not doing a disservice to his R with his W and saying that he was only with her for money or anything but I know one of the reasons many couples stay together is because they won't be able to cope financially otherwise. He knows I would never have let him do this as I have a young child to think about so moving a man in who he had never met just wouldn't have been possible (and I don't have a spare room for a lodger!) Best wishes to you all who decide to get out of this rollercoaster ride! It's a very painful ride! I'm sorry if I sound very bitter. I am having a hard time dealing with reality tonight. No need to apologise. Totally understand what you're going through x
Onelife Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 You know what too? What you are saying is exactly the same thing I feel about my xMM...financial, revenge(that I will never do), disservice and my own young child. Oh and also not to mention "not being able to see his kids going to bed at night and wake up in the morning" either. And "I wish you will be available when my kids are out of school"! These statements are so sad but they are so efficient how they can effect my feeling and I believe what he said to be true! Call me a fool if you please but I am taking a step by step to deal with this hurtful reality and walk away from it. I do need to reward myself for that.
Tomcat33 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 PoshPrincess: "I would rather him say, "F**k off, you were a mistake, I never loved you. I love my wife...." then I would have no choice but to move on. V difficult WOW I SO hear that statement Posh!!! I had said the exact same thing to my guy when he first decided to go back with his W after she found out we were dating. I desperately contacted him for an explanation because he just let me go in an email a few days after he told me she had asked to meet with him and confronted him about knowing about us. Well he said "that she had convicend him that he had to do right thing and give the marriage a fair chance" How spineless but I sort of believed him... Funny thing just the night before she confronted him we were having dinner at his place and he was telling me how much he loved me, how great he felt to be with me and incredible it was that he had met me how he waited all his life to meet me. We had a long heart to heart about each other about our lives about destiny and how crazy everything was. Then the next day he sent me an early morning msg as usual to tell me how beautiful I was and how crazy in love he was with me and to have a great day at work, and I responded in kind and never heard from him all day... I thought it was strange but figured he was just busy at work. Then that evening he called me to break the news about his W knowing. He didn't want to talk about it much he was very upset by seeing her upset then next thing you know he disspears for three days and I get the email stating he has to do ther "right" thing. So I begged him to tell me he didn't love me that it was all lies, he said "I can't tell you that but we have to go our seperate paths and who knows maybe we can be together again" I was devestated obviously. Well a month after that he contacted me to tell me he had made the biggest mistake of his life that he was like in a prison at home and M councelling was useless because he spent day and night thinking and longing for me and just couldn't even bear the thought of his W even touching him again let a lone trying to salvage the marriage and finding common ground again. Well after much speculation on my part and need for reassurance this would NEVER happen again (it was the most traumatic experience of my life you can read my early posts as it was when I first came to LS) and that he was certain he wanted out of his marriage I took him back. I never EVER pressured, insinuated, or even asked him to end his marriage. I did HOWVER force him to decide me or her. It was either go back and forget I even exist and work on his marriage once and for all or end the marriage for good and be with me, none of this in-between stuff. Well he chose me at the time and we were fine at first but then the problems started. Months after that I started to question why he was dragging his feet about the D. Plus she was always in the picture she would beg him to come back home I read the emails she sent him, saying she could not live without him, how what he did to her was totally unfair how he owed her a fair chance to salvage the marriage, how it didn't matter if he didn't love her anymore that he would grow to love her again etc. It also made me furious that if he was not going back he was still entertaining her pleadings for another chance. He would assure me he was clear with her about not wanting to go back but that he felt bad for her and gulity. Now I see that was all a lie he was keeping the door wide open for her just as much as he did for me when he would go back with her. Eventually my insecurities generated by his lack of bakcbone ate away at our chance to carry on in any constuctive manner until eventually he wanted time off to himself to "clear his head" well at first it was very hard for me and I broke NC a few times but with time and being away from the situation I stuck to my guns and it gave me some more clarity and perspective. So months went on I stuck to my NC but after an email exchange initiated by me to see where we stood I invited him to meet for a cofee to talk things out in which he seemed hessitant but willing, and that totally changed my mind to want to see him again. At that point I said NO MORE. So that's when I blew him off I stuck to NC with all my might and faught all his attempts after that at reaching me. He started to contact me, emails, phone msgs wondering why I would not respond asking me to meet him for that famous coffee we never had. Fastforward to weeks and several emails later he calls me from HIS apartment persisting that he really wanted to see me, that we needed to talk. I thought he had come to some sort of conclusion re us since we had been apart for several months now. So I met him, he told me he had missed me terribly all these months that he was very upset that I had not returned his msgs and asked me how I felt about him he told me how he felt about me it was all getting intense talking about feelings for each other and what tore us apart when we broke up...and then he hits me with the bomb, I ask him something about his personal stuff (ie. Marriage) and tells me he had moved back in with his W pretty much a month after he asked for his "time off" So all this time he was contacting me it was WHILE he was living back at home with her. His excuse was that he was "pissed that I woudn't return his msgs" BUT IT WAS HE who wanted the time off to begin with!!!?!? what a load of crap. Well you know the rest of my story. That very moment I called his W and told her he had come to see me told her had been in contact all these past months etc. She was very surprised since he swore off to her that he was not in contact with me at all since he moved back. He has since broken contact again I don't know how many times, the day after D-day though he contacted me through a fake profile he took out to talk to me, the week after that after I confronted him and told him I knew it was him to leave me alone he did it again with another profile. Two weeks after that he has his fake profile up so that he can check up on me several times a week (you can see when someone looks at your profile) Then the phone call of two nights ago a weird number calling me several times late at night finally I picked it up and it was him. And his W still has no clue he is trying in every way possible to keep in touch with me. HA! when I cofronted him about the fake profile and let him have it and told him leave me alone!! he "said yeah don't worry now I won't anymore" and I said "yeah BECAUSE YOU RAN OUT OF WAYS TO CONTACT ME, this last fake profile thing was your last hope" and he says" yeah well that too" LOL oh my god sometimes I feel like he is completely off his rocker. But he isn't because he is so smart and amazingly talented in his work and totally excels at what he does...and he is so together in every other aspect. Why he keeps breaking contact now? I couldn't tell you but I can tell you this: he is neither back to his marriage for the right reasons, nor is he convinced that leaving me was the right thing to do either. And his actions now provide the closure I that I needed. Sorry for the long post :-)
Recommended Posts