Tomcat33 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 In my marriage's case, I take that as a compliment. Whether it was meant as one or not. I don't care what you think, TC. You became a fool yourself for even having an A with a MM. With all the guys in the world and you ent for someone else's? What were you thinking? Trusting blindly, perhaps? I can admit I was a fool! I WAS A COMPLETE FOOL!!! question is, can you when you say you trust 100%?
Tomcat33 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 TC, noone is actually saying they trust 100% blindly here, but I think being cautious at times is a good thing. . No actually, someone is saying that. I trust H 100% that he won't ever cheat on me again. EVER. I trust H 100% that he won't lie about some tramp coming on to him. I believe he will tell me when/if it happens. And not in a few days,weeks or months after the fact, either. I trust H 100% that he won't come on to any tramp. I trust H to be a good & faithful H for the rest of my & his life. 100% Guess you missed that post!
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Guess you missed that post! Yeah, you're right I did. Oh well. Either way, she's chosen to trust and if it works for her and things are moving along well, that's a good thing! And, if by chance he does cheat on her again, HE loses out on a wonderful, kind and loving woman.
shellys-trying Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I can admit I was a fool! I WAS A COMPLETE FOOL!!! question is, can you when you say you trust 100%? You can call me a fool. I do not call myself one. Calling myself one would imply I have doubts about my H's faithfullness. I don't have those doubts anymore.
shellys-trying Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Yeah, you're right I did. Oh well. Either way, she's chosen to trust and if it works for her and things are moving along well, that's a good thing! And, if by chance he does cheat on her again, HE loses out on a wonderful, kind and loving woman. Aww, thank you! That was a really nice compliment.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Yeah, you're right I did. Oh well. Either way, she's chosen to trust and if it works for her and things are moving along well, that's a good thing! And, if by chance he does cheat on her again, HE loses out on a wonderful, kind and loving woman. Which would make him the fool!
Tomcat33 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Which would make him the fool! It would make him a cheater. I can def see how a one off can be forgiven (even though I don't adhere to that school of thought for myself if I were to be in the sit.) but repeat offenders have no excuse for being accepted that's down right pathology on BOTH sides.
Ripples Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Something has occurred to me after reading one of Shelly's posts; why on earth is anyone trying to convince an OW (once an OW, always an OW ) of what their husband is really like? After all, you married him, no one knows him better!
scaredinlove Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 If depend on the situation and if the H really turns around. I don't think I could foegive because I know the reason why I cheatd on my H.I din't love him anymore, so I would think that the person who cheated on me felt the same. As a matter o fact my fiance before my H did cheat and although i took him back I always felt there was a ghost btw us . So finally after 2 yrs I broke up with him. I don't resent him but I could not live with the doubt...In my mind there was always this nagging voice saying "he wouldn't have cheated if he loved you..." i don't think the BS is a fool at all, but they have to really work to find out why the cheating took place and be sure that it won't happen again.If it was just a fling I guess it would be OK, but if the MM loved the OW and had a long term affair ,maybe forgiving wuld not be the right choice. Also if the MMis a serial cheater.... Like I said before O don't think the BS is a fool to forgive but he has to be careful not to get hurt again.
shellys-trying Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 It would make him a cheater. I can def see how a one off can be forgiven (even though I don't adhere to that school of thought for myself if I were to be in the sit.) but repeat offenders have no excuse for being accepted that's down right pathology on BOTH sides. I totally agree there. I trust I don't have that to worry about tho'.
shellys-trying Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Something has occurred to me after reading one of Shelly's posts; why on earth is anyone trying to convince an OW (once an OW, always an OW ) of what their husband is really like? After all, you married him, no one knows him better! That's a good point to make. I think that's why I'm so confident in him. Before the A, even having lived with him nearly 12 yrs, i didn't know him because he wouldn't let me get that kinda close. Now? I do know him.
shellys-trying Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 i don't think the BS is a fool at all, but they have to really work to find out why the cheating took place and be sure that it won't happen again.If it was just a fling I guess it would be OK, but if the MM loved the OW and had a long term affair ,maybe forgiving wuld not be the right choice. Also if the MMis a serial cheater.... Like I said before O don't think the BS is a fool to forgive but he has to be careful not to get hurt again. I really worked hard to find out the whys and wherefores, and that took up about 4 yrs after the A. I've toughed it out, and held myself back long enough to feel confident that my H is as he's shown he is.
scaredinlove Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I really worked hard to find out the whys and wherefores, and that took up about 4 yrs after the A. I've toughed it out, and held myself back long enough to feel confident that my H is as he's shown he is. I have read that sometimes affair can bring the spouses closer together .i guess that was you case...
shellys-trying Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I wouldn't have believed that a yr after dday, but now? I'm just happy I can offer any kind of good advice to anyone going thru what I did. I feel like I've gone thru it for a reason, maybe to make my M stronger, maybe to just make ME stronger. I don't know. I just can't live my life wallowing in self pity.
shellys-trying Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Besides, we had a beautiful baby boy a yr afterward (after the A ended).
Author silktricks Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 Do you trust 100% he won't come on to another woman? or that he will tell you if another woman makes passes at him? In other words you trust him blindly? I trust 100% that my husband will not come onto another woman. I trust 100% that my husband will tell me if another woman makes a pass at him. He trusts 100% the same thing in me. But more important than any of that I trust 100% that he will talk to me about any problems he perceives we are having, and he trusts 100% that I will do the same. Neither of us trusts the other blindly, because trusting 100% does not in either his or my meaning of the word imply trusting blindly. It means trusting based on knowledge of the person, their morals, their past and your experience with them. That's not blind. In my opinion, holding back on trusting someone because you've been injured once only injures you again. Trusting a person 100% who you don't know well - that's blind trust in my book.
shellys-trying Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I trust 100% that my husband will not come onto another woman. I trust 100% that my husband will tell me if another woman makes a pass at him. He trusts 100% the same thing in me. But more important than any of that I trust 100% that he will talk to me about any problems he perceives we are having, and he trusts 100% that I will do the same. Neither of us trusts the other blindly, because trusting 100% does not in either his or my meaning of the word imply trusting blindly. It means trusting based on knowledge of the person, their morals, their past and your experience with them. I think you put it alot better than me, ST. Your way makes more sense. I trust my H completely, even knowing what he did before. Yeah, that works just fine.
mopar crazy Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I'm happy that Shelly has regained her trust back for her H. I wish I could do the same. When you trusted someone for 13 years not to cheat on you that trust goes out the window, in my case anyhow. I trust my H more now than I did four years, or even a year ago but I never let my guard down. I hate to feel worried that he may have an A again, but it crosses my mind. I do know that if he does I will NOT take him back. I can't do that to myself again. H use to tell me when women made a pass at him b4 the A. Would he tell me now, I would hope so. I wish all my trust for H was there like Shelly's trust for her H.
PoshPrincess Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 why on earth is anyone trying to convince an OW (once an OW, always an OW ) Oi oi, watch it Ripples Certainly not THIS EX-OW, NEVER EVER EVER, NO WAY!!!!! Not with exMM (as much as I still love him) or any other married or attached man. The first thing I do now when I see an attractive man is look at the third finger of their left hand. I know not ALL wear a ring but still, I am SO cautious it's unbelievable. Too much heartache for everyone. I will NEVER go there again in a million years. I would rather be single and lonely for the rest of my life. Mopar, things must be very hard for you. I think you're strong to take your H back when you don't trust him 100% - I know I couldn't if someone had done that to me. Then again, I am pretty cynical and have the attidude that EVERYONE is capable of cheating (that may just be because I have low morals LOL!)
Ripples Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 It was tongue in cheek, PP. I, personally, believe that some people can and do change. Including men that have cheated.
Impudent Oyster Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Of course the BS isn't a fool for forgiving. It's all about choices, when a BS discovers their spouse is cheating, they react first then they have to make a choice (yes, most often the ball is in their court because most WS don't want to leave, most are incredibly remorseful and praying that they will be forgiven). The BS has to make the best choice for them and their children. I don't think the interests of the WS are a consideration at this point (they weren't for me, he was last on my list). For me, our marriage was good. We had fun, we told each other we loved each other almost daily, have and had great sex, my husband is very generous, treats me well, we loved our kids, they never (and still don't) give us an ounce of trouble, they're great, we have great friends, a beautiful home and a comfortable life, why would I throw all of that away over something that my husband characterizes as a terrible mistake? Over a woman who is completely insignificant and who, at the end of the day, provided my husband with a temporary ego boost and some attention (which quickly crossed the line from attention into much more for her, and freaked my husband out). My husband was incredibly remorseful and was willing to do anything to earn my forgiveness, but forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. I can't say that I'll ever trust him 100% because I won't, that's gone for good I'm afraid but we have to adjust to the new normal and it's been fine. There is no one I would ever trust 100%, so divorcing and finding someone new isn't the answer. Given the state of our marriage when my husband cheated, I believe anyone is capable, but I can live with the cynicism, and his many many other fantastic qualities as a husband and father make up for it. Oh no, I wasn't about to upend MY life and my CHILDREN's lives because my husband was stupid. THAT would have been foolish.
Woggle Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Yes a BS is a fool for forgiving. How can you forgive a person that took your trust and ripped it to shreds. Cheating is 100% a dealbreaker to me.
Impudent Oyster Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Ahh woggle, I take it you are young. Everyone says that cheating is a dealbreaker, I guarantee it. I said I would never stay with a cheater. Never say never.
shellys-trying Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I'm happy that Shelly has regained her trust back for her H. I wish I could do the same. When you trusted someone for 13 years not to cheat on you that trust goes out the window, in my case anyhow. I trust my H more now than I did four years, or even a year ago but I never let my guard down. I hate to feel worried that he may have an A again, but it crosses my mind. I do know that if he does I will NOT take him back. I can't do that to myself again. H use to tell me when women made a pass at him b4 the A. Would he tell me now, I would hope so. I wish all my trust for H was there like Shelly's trust for her H. MC, in all truthfullness to our friendship, I have to say, I was ignoring the signs and trying to continue to be a victim, dredging up old stuff H doesn't even do anymore. Even taking regular family situations and stamping them with the REAL reason (or what was my opinion)coming from H's cheating. Here I was trying to make out like my life was screwed over by H, but not for the last couple yrs. He's different, and I needed to wake up and recognize that. You'll know if your H (whoever reads this with the probs we've dealt w/ with our H's)is remorseful and regrets the A. In his everyday life, with or without you there beside him, whether he's at home, at work, and of course with you, he'll show it. I'd ignored but now can tell where H truly started getting his act together. I believe in him. If a person still has doubts, set down with that WS and ask to truly talk with them to set any final fears to rest. If they know how earnest you are in putting closure on the whole A thing, they will. But, you have to be really wanting to put it behind you once and for all.
Woggle Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Ahh woggle, I take it you are young. Everyone says that cheating is a dealbreaker, I guarantee it. I said I would never stay with a cheater. Never say never. I am young but cheating is a dealbreaker. I already divorced one cheater and I would do it again though my second wife is mostly likely not one.
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