copacetic Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Hi I'll keep this brief because it's late and I am tired. This has the potential to sound pretty silly - Like a joke even (how I wish it were) but it unfortunately is not. Synopsis: I am 25 and my girlfriend is 19. The age gap seemed huge and worrying in theory to me, but she seemed very mature for her age and for the past four and a half months things in our relationship have in general been pretty good. I think we have both really helped each other a lot and just really enjoyed our time together. Obviously that was an extremely condensed version of the whole affair... Today she tells me that she believes in 'mystical creatures'. It has come up before, I just always assumed that she was pulling my leg. It turns out she was not, and by mystical creatures, I mean fairies, vampires, dragons, unicorns, etc, etc. I made some derisive comments about the subject and really, really hurt her feelings. I now feel like the meanest, most miserable human being on the planet yet I am still... unable to process the fact that a 19 year old human being would believe in mythical/fairytale creatures. I don't even know why I am here. I just read through my post and it sounds utterly ludicrous. But... I love her and she loves me. There has been (somewhat frightening) talk of marriage and futures so it's not a casual thing. She asked me why I don't just accept it as part of who she is - I'm a very flexible and relaxed guy (i think) but this is just too... wacky? for me to swallow. I guess what i am worried about most is hurting her. Even if I accept and live with this crazy (well, to me at least) belief, I will probably inadvertently say hurtful things about it all the time, due to the sheer absurdity of the whole thing. And I feel kind of nauseous when I hurt peoples feelings, I hate it. Help? Thanks James
WarriorPoet Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 This type of issue in a relationship usually breaks down to- are you willing to deal with this quirk- everyone you will, or can, fall in love with will have "issues" or "quirks" or "flaws" whatever you choose to call them. I am sure she has at least one with you. So you need to ask yourself if you can deal with a spouse that believes in these type of mythical/fantasy beings is a spouse you want to be with. You can either go along with her beliefs and just kinda nod and smile when she talks of these things, or maybe she will accept that you jsut don't beleive in these beings and won't talk to you about it. There a lot ways to deal with this in a relationship annd all depends on how your two personalities mesh. Yes, it can be a relationship killer, but it doesn't have to be. You will, however, have to accept that her beliefes do not nessacarily reflect yours. So when your best friend or boss, or whoever comes up to you and tells you what your GF was just talking to them about, be prepared. If you think your going to say hurtful things then the two of you probably have to learn not to talk to eachother about the subject and if it does come up simply remind her that she knows how you feel about the subject.
Sand&Water Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 RE: I read your post, Copacetic, and the first thing I noticed: "The age gap seemed huge and worrying in theory to me, but she seemed very mature for her age." You certainly maybe have hurt her feelings in regards to this issue, Unicorns, but essentially her feelings are not the main problem. The main problems are: Maturity, Tolerance, and Differing Views. These are the ones that should be dealt with, in my opinion. Seems as though she is not mature enough, due to her age (and don't tell me her age has nothing to do with it), to understand that when another human being or significant other does not hold the same belief/views/values as you do -then it is not a loss of the relationship and love altogether. Stabbing each other with hurtful words in the heart because both of you don't believe in the same idea, is out-right ridiculous. She has a ton of growing up to do -add in a reality and fairytale check. This is your future, Copacetic. You are not a young boy, anymore. You are a man and at 25, it's the ripe age to be building a prosperous future and family with the right person. You should apologize to her for what you have said. However, IF you truly envision yourself married to her one day then you must be able to compromise and tolerate each other. Otherwise, IF both of you don't mature and start acting like adults -the relationship will suffer severally. Sand&Water
tanbark813 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 If this is the only problem in your relationship then consider yourself lucky. Everyone has their own little weird things. I think it's kind of cute she believes in unicorns. Who wants someone completely normal anyway?
Star Gazer Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I believe in aliens. The green men kind, like from the movie "Signs." They literally terrify me. If I see someone like on Halloween in costume as one, I freeze. I don't think that makes me weird, and I'm not sure it's that much different from believing in unicorns or vampires. I agree with TB. If that's it, the rest is gravy.
Star Gazer Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 RE: Seems as though she is not mature enough, due to her age (and don't tell me her age has nothing to do with it), to understand that when another human being or significant other does not hold the same belief/views/values as you do -then it is not a loss of the relationship and love altogether. Don't you mean HE is not mature enough...? He's the one with a problem with what she believes in...
riobikini Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 re: copacetic: "...she seemed very mature for her age and for the past four and a half months things in our relationship have in general been pretty good..." Give it more than 4 and a half months...... See if the things she *doesn't* believe in grows longer than the list she's sure about.... (Smile) -Rio
Starry-eyed Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Don't you mean HE is not mature enough...? He's the one with a problem with what she believes in... I agree. Copacetic, it seems that you're the one that has a problem with this, and if it's a problem now, it probably always will be. If you can't respect her beliefs, even if they differ from your own, then how do you respect her as a whole person? I believe in Bigfoot and aliens and that there is way more to this world and life than we will ever understand.
Storyrider Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Copacetic, you should read some posts by our friendly resident athiest, moai. To him, anyone who believes in God is just the same as your girlfriend. So relax, she's in good company.
McFadden Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I think the problem is that you don't tolerate her beliefs in mystical creatures or whatever. It isn't a topic that would probably come up every day so you should just agree to disagree. Some people you know are probably religious and believe in God, do you make fun of those people and say they are wacky? As Storyrider/moai pointed out some people consider it the same thing because there isn't any proof that God exists.
Author copacetic Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 hi A lot of interesting replies from which most I get the message 'it's an idiosyncratic quirk, and a cute one at that'. I came to the same conclusion in my sleep. A couple of people have said I am the intolerant one, I could easily defend my position but this is, I think, the root of my problem - I am always up for an argument/discussion and sometimes you just have to let sleeping unicorns lie. If I knew how to quote properly I'd reply individually. Some random thoughts. I believe in aliens as well - It's hugely presumptuous to believe we are the only life form in this enormous universe. As for the resident atheist... if I frequent here... err... you may have another, although I am beginning to feel like an unreasonable hypocrite whenever I even THINK about religion. The bit about me not being a young boy but a man... Yes. Good point. The only problem in our relationship? Nope - I wish it were so, this was just so (to me at the time) strange and unexpected and it started a pretty unpleasant fight. Anyway, man do I know how to ramble on... Thanks for the replies I wish you all the best James
electric_sheep Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I agree. Copacetic, it seems that you're the one that has a problem with this, and if it's a problem now, it probably always will be. If you can't respect her beliefs, even if they differ from your own, then how do you respect her as a whole person? It sounds like both of you are trying to imply that belief in fairies and goblins is not that unusual for an adult in todays world, and I'd have to disagree. Regardless, to understand the OP's perspective, imagine your SO believed in something REALLY absurd... like they were in telepathic communication with President Bush, let's say. Consider too that she may simply say she believes in these things, and deep down she might not seriously believe in them. Maybe she just likes the idea of them. It's quite possible it IS a maturity issue, too. There is a definite correlation between dressing like a vampire, Goth overlord, or punk rocker, and age. I won't make any value judgements, but the correlation is undeniable (you see less Goth overlord's in their 40's than in their 20's). Having said that, I think I read a survey that something like 80% of Americans believe in angels. "Magical thinking", as it is called, is very much alive and well in todays world. The reality of Unicorns may seem like a silly thing to divide a couple, but it may conceal radically different world views and philosophies... something that definitely could divide a couple. It may also just be an isolated quirk. My best friend is more or less estranged from his mom because of her "magical thinking". When he was a teenager she would talk about how an angel, and on at least a couple of occations, Jesus himself came to visit her during the night. It actually gets weirder than this... Jesus once had sex with her apparently. Anyway, my friend rarely sees his mom outside of holidays now because he found it impossible to relate to her and he got tired of listening to her long, drawn out (very narcissitic) tales of the supernatural/religous. Of course, beyond a certain point, we call "magical thinking" flat out crazy. His mom was really close, but for whatever reason there is a higher tolerance for magical thinking if it is religious in nature. Anyway, my bet is it's a harmless quirk. Just recognize it is a touchy issue for you both, draw up your boundaries, and sign the peace accord. If I were you I'd even humor her, and try not and be condescending. If she starts talking about Unicorns having sex with her during the night... then you may want to start worrying. I do know that I could never date a very conservative type though... a fundamentalist. Any sort of religious zeolotry would be hard for me to deal with. Hell, even a Republican might be tough, heehee.
sb129 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Copacetic- are you copacetic as your name suggests? IMO, your GF needs to grow up. As one of the other posters said, she needs to realise that you can't agree on absolutely everything. 19 is so young to be talking about marriage!! To be honest if someone told me they believed in unicorns I would have a hard time keeping a straight face. I don't believe in god either, but at least with that I respect that millions of other people do, including some of my friends and family. To me, there is no proof, but to alot of them there is... so.... moot point, and I try not to judge one way or another, although I have been guilty of throwing a few stones here on LS. However...... unicorns? At least with a person who believes in god you can have an intelligent debate about it. Is there any credible proof out there that unicorns exist? The reality of Unicorns may seem like a silly thing to divide a couple, but it may conceal radically different world views and philosophies... something that definitely could divide a couple. It may also just be an isolated quirk.
sb129 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Having said that..... I would advise dealing with the issue with utmost sensitivity..... as you need to agree that you can't always agree too. Being mean about it won't help. I hope it is just a quirk. I would agree that if it is an isolated quirk, then . If there is more than one problem, you guys need to work it out.
halfarock Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 … She asked me why I don't just accept it as part of who she is - I'm a very flexible and relaxed guy (i think) but this is just too... wacky? for me to swallow. I guess what i am worried about most is hurting her. Even if I accept and live with this crazy (well, to me at least) belief, I will probably inadvertently say hurtful things about it all the time, due to the sheer absurdity of the whole thing. And I feel kind of nauseous when I hurt peoples feelings, I hate it. I kind of feel the same way about Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindu’s, Republicans, et al.
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Okay, to me, that's just weird. Unicorns.......... I knew someone who believed in knomes. Freaky as heck. Anyway, if you love her and she loves you, somehow you two will figure this out. As long as you both respect eachothers opinions without making her feel bad and it doesn't interfer in your daily life (meaning she isn't actually seeing unicorns and vampires etc...) then try not to worry about it. BUT, if it really truely bothers you, YOU DO need to think about the future. I mean, what about when you two get married and have children... Did she go to a Waldorf school when she was younger? They believe in knomes and some other really weird stuff.
Trialbyfire Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Y'all know why the skeptics won't ever meet a unicorn, don't you?
Storyrider Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Y'all know why the skeptics won't ever meet a unicorn, don't you? 'Cause the unicorns wouldn't get on Noah's ark? Oh, plus I think you have to be a virgin to tame a unicorn. That disqualifies most of us.
Trialbyfire Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 'Cause the unicorns wouldn't get on Noah's ark? Unicorns are shy animals. They wouldn't go near Noah's Ark if you think about the pairings...
Trialbyfire Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Oh, plus I think you have to be a virgin to tame a unicorn. That disqualifies most of us. Hahaha...ba da bing.
Storyrider Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Unicorns are shy animals. They wouldn't go near Noah's Ark if you think about the pairings... Do you know the song?
Trialbyfire Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Do you know the song? Are you thinking about the one about one wide river?
Storyrider Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Are you thinking about the one about one wide river? No...I was thinking of "green alligators and long-necked geese...etc. etc..."
Trialbyfire Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 No...I was thinking of "green alligators and long-necked geese...etc. etc..." Got it. Yes, I do know it. "some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees" I would love to meet a unicorn or a dragon, although I don't believe in them. It's only wishful thinking.
Storyrider Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Got it. Yes, I do know it. "some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees" I would love to meet a unicorn or a dragon, although I don't believe in them. It's only wishful thinking. Unicorns are cool. I really like the Loch Ness monster, too. I don't believe, but I like the idea.
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