British Kid Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 ok, well I think i just hit a defining moment in a relationship. she just said that she doesn't want a boyfriend or a relationship, though i was under the impression she wanted something to do with those things before. this time, she just outright said it and denied having a "boyfriend," but only because she said the titles of relationship and boyfriend make her feel trapped (her words, not mine). i feel relief that that much is cleared up now. but now i'm not sure what my next move is. she says she still wants us to hang out in the same ways, like going out to dinner, movies, hanging at her house or mine, and even whatever messing around that might happen. right now we have it planned that we'll have set times to hang out and we can talk before and stuff, but this is mainly due to my "pestering" her. she said it was like i was keeping score (we hadn't hung out or been together in a while) even though i wasn't. i was just calling because she works a lot and i didn't want to miss an opportunity to be with her, but i never ever pressed the issue further than asking "do you want to do something tonite?" is all this rational, or am i wasting my time? i've heard from neutral parties that she basically was treating me like crap when we weren't together. are they right? what opinions do all you have? any questions, please ask and i'll be glad to clarify or whatever.
norajane Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 she said the titles of relationship and boyfriend make her feel trappedAnd do you know why they make her feel trapped? Because in a relationship with a boyfriend, she has obligations to date only him. Because her boyfriend will have expectations of how often they see each other, and expectations that she won't be seeing someone else. She does not want those obligations. She wants to be free to date other guys, and spend time with them whenever she wants to. She might like you being ONE of those guys, but she is by no means interested in being with only you. So, if you're ok with that, then you have no problem. If you don't want her seeing other guys when you aren't together, then you have a big problem because you want different things. And keep in mind, she says this now to you because she doesn't want YOU as her boyfriend. She may very well change her tune if there's another guy who comes into her life and she's totally into him. I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope for her becoming your girlfriend. She wouldn't be pushing you away if she wanted that. And she wouldn't be treating you like crap - as your friends say - if she wanted you to be her boyfriend. Proceed with caution.
Author British Kid Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 And do you know why they make her feel trapped? Because in a relationship with a boyfriend, she has obligations to date only him. Because her boyfriend will have expectations of how often they see each other, and expectations that she won't be seeing someone else. She does not want those obligations. She wants to be free to date other guys, and spend time with them whenever she wants to. She might like you being ONE of those guys, but she is by no means interested in being with only you. So, if you're ok with that, then you have no problem. If you don't want her seeing other guys when you aren't together, then you have a big problem because you want different things. And keep in mind, she says this now to you because she doesn't want YOU as her boyfriend. She may very well change her tune if there's another guy who comes into her life and she's totally into him. I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope for her becoming your girlfriend. She wouldn't be pushing you away if she wanted that. And she wouldn't be treating you like crap - as your friends say - if she wanted you to be her boyfriend. Proceed with caution. so even though she said that she only wants to go out with me, she actually meant she wants other guys? she's told me she's turned down other guys that she might have had interest in and that had/have interest in her. she said its the expectations of how much time is spent together (sort of) that she doesn't want to deal with. she doesn't want to feel like she wants to spend all her free time with me, but that isn't the case even in a real "relationship" is it? i never expected her to spend her every waking second with me. we've both got our own lives, and right now, hers is busy. it just makes it feel to me that she's making me out to be clingy or something, which i honestly don't think i am/was. i think part of it might be pressure from her friends too. i think she's afraid that if we actually were "together" her friends would expect me to do stuff with all of them (oh, why don't you bring your boyfriend _____ along with us today?) i think she might want to keep me away from her friends, due to insecurity. i know she regularly hangs out with her friends and their boyfriends and other friends who are guys, so i think this might be related to that in some way.
Lauriebell82 Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 so even though she said that she only wants to go out with me, she actually meant she wants other guys? she's told me she's turned down other guys that she might have had interest in and that had/have interest in her. she said its the expectations of how much time is spent together (sort of) that she doesn't want to deal with. she doesn't want to feel like she wants to spend all her free time with me, but that isn't the case even in a real "relationship" is it? i never expected her to spend her every waking second with me. we've both got our own lives, and right now, hers is busy. it just makes it feel to me that she's making me out to be clingy or something, which i honestly don't think i am/was. i think part of it might be pressure from her friends too. i think she's afraid that if we actually were "together" her friends would expect me to do stuff with all of them (oh, why don't you bring your boyfriend _____ along with us today?) i think she might want to keep me away from her friends, due to insecurity. i know she regularly hangs out with her friends and their boyfriends and other friends who are guys, so i think this might be related to that in some way. I doubt it has anything to do with her friends. Sorry to say this, but I think this has to do with the fact that she just doesn't want a boyfriend. You as her boyfriend more specifically. I'm sorry I know that hurts, but I really think you should cut your losses. It sounds like you care for her, but you want different things. Her saying she doesn't want to date other guys and still wanting to date you and see you on a regular basis but not be in a relationship is bs. If she really liked you she'd get over her "relationship issues." I'm sure that there is some other girl out there who would jump at the chance of being your gf. You sound like a sweet guy and this girl is just stringing you along. Break up with her and move on, because chances are this girl is just going to leave you hurt and confused. Save yourself the trouble.
Author British Kid Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 I doubt it has anything to do with her friends. Sorry to say this, but I think this has to do with the fact that she just doesn't want a boyfriend. You as her boyfriend more specifically. I'm sorry I know that hurts, but I really think you should cut your losses. It sounds like you care for her, but you want different things. Her saying she doesn't want to date other guys and still wanting to date you and see you on a regular basis but not be in a relationship is bs. If she really liked you she'd get over her "relationship issues." I'm sure that there is some other girl out there who would jump at the chance of being your gf. You sound like a sweet guy and this girl is just stringing you along. Break up with her and move on, because chances are this girl is just going to leave you hurt and confused. Save yourself the trouble. yeah. sounds like a plan. i think i'm gonna wait a little bit (week or two) and see what happens after our talk today. if she really loves me like she says she does, we'll be able to talk it out. If not, i guess i'll just cut my losses.
Author British Kid Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 I thought this excerpt from today might help. haha, names have been omitted to protect the innocent. I felt this was the most important that dealt with the whole boyfriend/relationship thing. obviously there was more before and after. _______________________________________________________________ Okay. I'm sorry i upset you. I want us to have fun. I like being with you. and i like spending time with you. But when you say stuff like "i would skip my whole night for 10 mins with you" it upsets me. Like, no offense to you, but I have a lot of fun with my friends. That makes me feel so obligated to say it back or something, and no offense, but i dont really feel like that most of the time. I want us to have fun too. But you act like i dont f**king do anything ever. I work all the time. And I don't want you to put me on a guilt trip because every free second i have is not spent with you. thats why i dont want a boyfriend. I want to hang out with you, but i have other things in my life.
Lauriebell82 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I thought this excerpt from today might help. haha, names have been omitted to protect the innocent. I felt this was the most important that dealt with the whole boyfriend/relationship thing. obviously there was more before and after. _______________________________________________________________ Okay. I'm sorry i upset you. I want us to have fun. I like being with you. and i like spending time with you. But when you say stuff like "i would skip my whole night for 10 mins with you" it upsets me. Like, no offense to you, but I have a lot of fun with my friends. That makes me feel so obligated to say it back or something, and no offense, but i dont really feel like that most of the time. I want us to have fun too. But you act like i dont f**king do anything ever. I work all the time. And I don't want you to put me on a guilt trip because every free second i have is not spent with you. thats why i dont want a boyfriend. I want to hang out with you, but i have other things in my life. What a biach! (sorry, no offense I know you care about her, but cmon). Those are all b.s. excuses. Yes, when your in a relationship you do spend a little less time with your friends and more time with your S.O. Doesn't mean that you dont care about being with your friends, just that you don't have enough time. You guys want two different things. All those things she said were crap, and she said it in a hurtful way as well. Get rid of her dude, she doesn't care about you AT ALL. And you can have other things in your life even when you are in a relationship. Yeah, you give up a little bit of your life when you love someone, thats just what you do. So you really need to get rid of this girl for good. She's a total biatch.
Author British Kid Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 What a biach! (sorry, no offense I know you care about her, but cmon). Those are all b.s. excuses. Yes, when your in a relationship you do spend a little less time with your friends and more time with your S.O. Doesn't mean that you dont care about being with your friends, just that you don't have enough time. You guys want two different things. All those things she said were crap, and she said it in a hurtful way as well. Get rid of her dude, she doesn't care about you AT ALL. And you can have other things in your life even when you are in a relationship. Yeah, you give up a little bit of your life when you love someone, thats just what you do. So you really need to get rid of this girl for good. She's a total biatch. so what about it makes her sound like a total biatch? seems to me that they're valid points, but maybe it has to do with the rest of the conversation (which i was part of)? but i guess you do make a point. this whole time she makes me feel like i'm being selfish, but is it actually her that is the selfish and immature one?
Lauriebell82 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 She's just stringing you along...that's all I was saying. I thought it was rude that she turned the whole thing around on you and made it look like you were making her feel this way. I think you need to give her a choice whether or not she wants to be with you. I mean do you really just want a girlfriend who's not actually your girlfriend? You are preventing yourself from meeting someone who will want to commit to you. I'm sorry but I think you deserve better. I've been on the recieving end of this and it just leads to more heartache. You guys just want different things. That's not bad, but keeping your hopes up is wrong of her to do. And your letting her do it cause your not walking away. I will give her one thing though, she is trying to be honest and tell you flat out how she's feeling. Maybe she does feel that you are trying to push her. So get out now. You guys dont want the same thing, and chances are thats not going to change. It will just explode really badly if you prolong it. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Author British Kid Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 She's just stringing you along...that's all I was saying. I thought it was rude that she turned the whole thing around on you and made it look like you were making her feel this way. I think you need to give her a choice whether or not she wants to be with you. I mean do you really just want a girlfriend who's not actually your girlfriend? You are preventing yourself from meeting someone who will want to commit to you. I'm sorry but I think you deserve better. I've been on the recieving end of this and it just leads to more heartache. You guys just want different things. That's not bad, but keeping your hopes up is wrong of her to do. And your letting her do it cause your not walking away. I will give her one thing though, she is trying to be honest and tell you flat out how she's feeling. Maybe she does feel that you are trying to push her. So get out now. You guys dont want the same thing, and chances are thats not going to change. It will just explode really badly if you prolong it. I'm sorry you are going through this. yeah, the past two days haven't been too pleasant for me with all this, but i guess the past two months have kinda sucked too..... but when she dragged my sister into this..... dang..... i just really want to talk to her bff. she's brutally honest and i'd really like to know what she would think of all this. its just.... it seems like she cares some.... she said she's willing to work with me on this and she still wears the jewelry i gave her.... gah.... i don't know what to think anymore.......
Love Heart Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 going out with someone doesn't have to mean you lose your individual identity. given that none of us know her or the situation first hand it's hard to comment on what motivates her to say those things or be that way. is she scared? is it based on previous bad experiences? is she scared of losing herself? i not going to say/assume she is a bitch, but perhaps just a little unsure. has she ever had a boyfriend before? some ppl who havent ive seen act like this. just a thought. i reckon you need to sit her down and lay it all on the table. it's great that she is being honest. that is working in your favour for sure - nothing worse than someone that denies the truth. You should ask her straight out "what is it that You want" and get her to define what she wants / would like. Ask her why she is scared to be "labelled" as the girlfriend - you seem to have different definitions of what being a boyfriend / girlfriend means or entails. Perhaps she thinks being in a relationship would mean you suddenly need to act as if you are married. Lots of ppl somehow believe in this delusion - you know as well as i that relationships can be conducted how ever it suits each couple. Ask her to define what she thinks being in a relationship means maybe - then you'll know what her expectations are and can give her yours.Explain to her that you aren't trying to pester her, but that you care and if it's going to continue, you both gotta be on the same page. That involves setting boundaries. Talking openly is the best way that you'll communicate honestly. and if it all fails then at least you know you gave it your best shot. i dunno, hope it helps.
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