Do you compliment your daughter...

[Lizzie60]

enough? Are you afraid she will become conceited?

 

Mustang Sally made me think about this... when she said I was very self-confident. I didn't get that from my parents though. When you ask how women can change that... here's my view.

 

I remember when my daughter was younger... I would tell her often how beautiful, nice and smart she was....

 

Her babysitter was an older 'grandma' type sitter and she was against that. She was from the 'old school' though and she never complimented her daughters because she was afraid they would get narcistic and conceited.

 

But I have a different point of view on this... I think we can never compliment our daughters enough. Women need to feel confident... For centuries, we've been told to 'stand behind our man'... but that has to change... our daughters have to learn to stand 'besides' their man not behind.

 

I see a lot of MM... that's no secret... and we talk about our children, every chance I have to tell my story... I do...

 

I tell those guys to tell their daughter, every chance they have, how beautiful they are.. how much they love them... It IS SOOOO IMPORTANT for the child to hear that from him.

 

What are your opinion on this? Do you compliment your daughter?

[Sheba]

Lizzie - you are parroting my marriage counsellor, rather perfectly.

 

The counsellor suggests that my lack of confidence is a direct result of the fact my father did not compliment me. I have a hard time accepting that there is such a causal relationship, but nevertheless am glad my ex always compliments our daughter, and that I do too. I make certain now to compliment her daily. I am always genuine in these compliments as a teenager can see through bullsh*t and a false flattery is, to me, worse than none.

 

Good for you for encouraging the men you know to be good to their daughters in this way.

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie - you are parroting my marriage counsellor, rather perfectly.

 

The counsellor suggests that my lack of confidence is a direct result of the fact my father did not compliment me. I have a hard time accepting that there is such a causal relationship, but nevertheless am glad my ex always compliments our daughter, and that I do too. I make certain now to compliment her daily. I am always genuine in these compliments as a teenager can see through bullsh*t and a false flattery is, to me, worse than none.

 

Good for you for encouraging the men you know to be good to their daughters in this way.

 

Good for you too.. to 'boost' your daughter's ego... We will never stress enough the importance for the parents to 'boost' their children's ego... especially the girls.

 

Most of us, women, never had compliments from our fathers... in those days, we were rather 'invisible'... anyway, I was... and I see why women cling to men, are emotionally dependant...it's all directly connected to the lack of the father figure giving us confidence. Sorry by my English vocabulary is not too good... I hope I make sense. LOL

[ThumbingMyWay]

Interesting thread.

 

I am male and an only son. My father was not too ‘complimentary’ of me when I was young. His father died when my dad was 16, so he didn’t realy have a male figure for the crucial years of being a teenager and so forth….maybe that’s why he never really connected with me?

 

To this day, my father hardly encourages me. In fact when he saw my finished rec room where I did 90% of the work myself and I am quite proud of the outcome. he did say I did a good job, but when he talked to my wife, he said “I didn’t think he had it in him”. My wife supported me and told him she knew I could do it.

 

I guess its just par for the course with anything I do….he always has a better way, but whatever. I think because I hardly ever got “acceptance” from my dad has given me A LOT of low self esteem and lack of confidence because I never got the encouragement from dad. It was always you should have done this..or that instead. Never, GOOD JOB BOY!. So this goes for sons too.

 

Anyway…my daughter…….is a sweetheart, yet very sensitive and emotional, def not a leader. But I do compliment her everyday. How cute she is, how good she is at reading and math or art stuff. How nice she is and so forth. I do this with my boy also. And I can see he looks for encouragement and acceptance of me as does my daughter. My son feels good when he tells me he didn’t pee the bed or he wrote his name by himself and I give him an “atta boy”. I can SEE his self esteem rise in his eyes and I know I am doing the right thing.

 

But I also don’t want them to get so “cozy” with all of this, because the last then they or I need is a self absorbed, ME ME ME teenager/ young adult to walk out into the REAL world where you wont get compliments for looking cute at work ya know.

 

Girls need to be encourage on there actions and behaviour, not just looks and what not. And boys need the same. If I can build self confidence through my compliments of there actions then that’s a good thing. But we need to tread lightly when it comes to outside appearance because that bubble will bust wide open when they reach and expericene the evil weight of the real world on our shoulders. Being cute only gets you so far.

 

 

I tell my kids everyday. The only thing I want them to do is:

 

Try your best in school and don’t give up, you will be good at some things and not in other things.

 

Be nice to people, even if they are mean to you. Love everyone and give respect and you will receive the same in return.

 

Always tell the truth. You wont get in trouble if you are honest, you may get punished, but its better to tell the truth and pay your dues than it is to lie and be dishonest.

 

Do the right thing. I think with everything I have taught you, you know whats right and whats wrong. Remember, you have Jesus in your heart, listen to him and you can never do wrong.

 

 

great thread…and I will have more to say….

[Lizzie60]

great post...

 

I do agree that it is also very important for boys to be complimented by the father.

 

Gosh... when we hear stories around us, from women AND men, how much we suffer in our adulthood because of our father.

 

My brothers also suffered from my 'absent' father...even when he was around, he wasn't there with us... he was an alcoholic and probably the worst father on this planet... LOL

 

Anyway... The father figure is important if not MORE important than the mother figure. For some reason, we always feel connected to our mothers, they are the mothers... but the fathers...that's a whole different story....

 

I've seen a few films on that subject... there is one Quebec film I've seen with my daughter... I stayed in the theatre crying for about 1/2 an hour after the lights were out... I have never been able to watch it again...

 

We never totally recover from our crual fathers. (I've never been abused physically or sexually by him... but emotionally...that's another story...oufff)

 

... now I have a mission to convert all fathers... LOL

[ThumbingMyWay]

... and I see why women cling to men, are emotionally dependant...it's all directly connected to the lack of the father figure giving us confidence.

 

I agree.

 

 

I see it in my wife. She had a drunk of a mother and a dad who left the marriage due to moms "ways", drunk, cheating, disrespect, etc. She ultimately lived with dad from age 16 to his death when she was 21 or 22. but those years she had with him were great.

 

Anyway....my wife is very attractive and gets alot of attention from men. Sometimes I think too much, cause it goes to her head. It does make her feel good. But I also think most of it is "physical/sexual" attention, which IMO creates false ego boosts.

 

The OM played her well. Gave her tons of compliments...of her beauty and brains....but now she knows it was a game to just get what he wanted, which was a hot chick to fool around with. Anyway...she ate it up...for months until she finaly caved and rationalized that it was OK to do what she did. I think to a point she felt she desrved the attention.

 

Anyway...the other day...a guy came up to her at a bar and said "I have been wathcing you tonight and you know what, you aint all that". She became defensive and the guy left her alone. But the issue is....she couldnt let it go. For a few days after she kept bringing it up and saying things like, you think I am pretty right? I am attractive, right?

 

The point is....my wifes mostly gets good attention but this ONE time someone dissed her...she really took a blow to her ego/self esteem. So to always give compliments on LOOKS is good, but it can also hurt you down the road when you dont get them. An ego is a fragile thing...and if its only pumped up by statements of your looks and not backed up with compliments of your character or values, then when you get knocked down...it doenst feel so good.

[Sheba]

I compliment my son too, though my marriage counsellor is quite clear that my son is at the age where he needs more support from a father/father figure than he needs from me. Her theory seems to be that people need unconditional love from their mother when they are young and support and praise from their father when they get a little older.

 

In any case, I do not worry that my children will become vain or self-absorbed. They are certainly never told that they are "better than" anyone. You can tell your child they are smart or beautiful without saying "smarter than so and so" or "more beautiful than so and so". In fact, I think that careful, genuine praise of all the good things about them - their manners, their talents, their appearance - will never hurt a child. It will give them a basis for self-love, I think.

 

I think that harm to children's characters comes from giving them a sense of entitlement. We all know, I am sure, people who believe that they deserve things without making any effort. I tell my children they are lucky to be so good looking and healthy and talented - these are gifts of lucky genes. They know that as wonderful as these things are, what is better is that which you have tried to achieve and have accomplished. So, they should not be proud of their good teeth, but grateful for them. They should be proud of their honours standings at school, or the good job they did cleaning the windows.

 

As a child, I was told I was smart - never pretty. Never anything but smart, really. This is obviously not a bad thing, but sadly in our culture it is important to be pretty. My sister was told she was pretty, never smart. In fact, she is smart but was assumed to be dumb. I always wanted to be "the pretty one" and she always wanted to be "the smart one". Each of us forever wanting to be what we thought we were missing. I am certain that this reverberates today, for both of us.

 

Parenting is a tough job.

[Trialbyfire]

Oh, nonsense.

 

Raise your children with self-esteem, not gender-biased b/s. Don't ego stroke but support them. If they do well, let them know. If they do poorly, support them with reasonable advice and if it's schooling, if you can't help, get a tutor. Let them know they matter and how much you love and respect them. Trust, trust, trust but not blindly. Provide them with strong morals by your own actions and create a good foundation for their personal growth.

[Sheba]

TBF, I have no argument with your parenting advice, but I am not sure what you consider "nonsense". For my part, I am reporting what my marriage counsellor has said to me, what I do with my kids, my life experience.

 

I have a certain amount of faith in the counsellor, but my faith does not extend to a blanket endorsement of her theories. On the other hand, I would also not reject her theories out of hand. I don't have a Ph.D. in Psychology or Sociology - I am in no position to judge her. Perhaps her theories are soundly based in reputable research studies? I just don't know.

 

In any case, I like to hedge my bets, and so I tell both my children that they are smart, attractive and have good characters. Luckily for me and them these things are true! Also, I am pleased with my ex-husband to the extent that he too offers our children this sort of emotional support.

 

TBF, if you are able to raise your children on the basis of the "nutshell" you have posted, without conflict or doubt, congratulations. I struggle and fret and consult many other parents in my efforts to do the right thing by my kids.

[Trialbyfire]

I have no children Sheba but the parenting model I'm describing is from my parents. In looking at my siblings, they're very confident, successful individuals in life.

[Sheba]

Ay, but there's the rub. My siblings and I are also very accomplished. We are all professionals, attractive, have lots of friends, nice homes and every apparent sign of success. We have no substance abuse problems, we do good works for charities, we are model citizens.

 

I am sure that if you met us - especially in our professional realms - you would think we were very successful and confident individuals.

 

We also had very smart parents - a hard working father who is very well respected in the city we live in, and a mother who studied parenting and who made our friends envious because she was so great.

 

Still, we have our difficulties in our personal relationships. I am loathe to reflect them back to my parents who tried their best, but the truth is that my father was never home and my mother was bitter towards him. Perhaps we suffer for the "sins" of our parents. I can't say we do or do not.

 

In any case, parenting is difficult and like anything else difficult, it is easy to critique but not so simple to perform.

[Lizzie60]

In any case, parenting is difficult and like anything else difficult, it is easy to critique but not so simple to perform.

 

It's true... I was the only girl in the family with 4 brothers... two of my brothers were 'bums', I don't talk to them, one (my favourite) was an amazing dad but died in a motorcycle accident when he was 31, I get along with the youngest, he is also an amazing dad who tell his daughter and son, every day, how much he loves them, how great they are... he's sooo cute with them.

 

I was the most successful of the family... never had financial problems... always had great jobs... good education, I was a good mother, still am... I would cut my arm for my children. So, sometimes, sibblings react and move on in life differently.

[Trialbyfire]

Ay, but there's the rub. My siblings and I are also very accomplished. We are all professionals, attractive, have lots of friends, nice homes and every apparent sign of success. We have no substance abuse problems, we do good works for charities, we are model citizens.

 

I am sure that if you met us - especially in our professional realms - you would think we were very successful and confident individuals.

 

We also had very smart parents - a hard working father who is very well respected in the city we live in, and a mother who studied parenting and who made our friends envious because she was so great.

 

Still, we have our difficulties in our personal relationships. I am loathe to reflect them back to my parents who tried their best, but the truth is that my father was never home and my mother was bitter towards him. Perhaps we suffer for the "sins" of our parents. I can't say we do or do not.

 

In any case, parenting is difficult and like anything else difficult, it is easy to critique but not so simple to perform.

This is where the role model portion is so important. My parents were such a cohesive unit it was amazing. As I mentioned, as kids, we used to call them the "wall of frowns". They are a couple that belong together and I have the utmost respect for them. That is the type of relationship I will have and if I can't, I will breed alone or not at all.

 

I just don't believe in the gender bias and was never raised that way. Too many children become limited in life because of it, or spend their lives battling the chip on their shoulders. Success is not in how much money you make, although financial security helps, but how you live as a person and how truly happy you are. If you're financially successful but live a self-entitled and selfish lifestyle, in reality, you are a failure.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I do compliment her. I tell her that she is smart, funny, beautiful, and how proud I am of her confidence and compassion for others. Now, I'm not laying it on thick every day - when I say it, it is a special moment and I mean it when I say it. I love seeing her face light up and smile and we always hug. She doesn't 'need' or expect it from me - it is just a nice Mom/Daughter moment for us.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I have no children

 

no offense to you TBF...please dont take it that way...

 

but untill you have some lil peeps of your own....."model" parenting is easy to do when you dont have any kids....but just wait till you have some....

 

things arent always cut and dry. I used to wonder why parents do what they did prior to ME having kids. I would think why would they do that, or I can believe what they let there kids do, or I will never make separate meals for my kids, etc...

 

all that went right out the window when I had my own kids to handle and deal with. Both my kids are complete opposites and I need to treat each differently.

 

I find myself doing things I said i never would.....quite frankly because some things I thought just didnt work for them...so i had to adjust the best i could and still try to maintain my goal of raising good kids.

 

All I am saying is , parenting methods change when you actually have a child of your own.

[Trialbyfire]

no offense to you TBF...please dont take it that way...

 

but untill you have some lil peeps of your own....."model" parenting is easy to do when you dont have any kids....but just wait till you have some....

 

things arent always cut and dry. I used to wonder why parents do what they did prior to ME having kids. I would think why would they do that, or I can believe what they let there kids do, or I will never make separate meals for my kids, etc...

 

all that went right out the window when I had my own kids to handle and deal with. Both my kids are complete opposites and I need to treat each differently.

 

I find myself doing things I said i never would.....quite frankly because some things I thought just didnt work for them...so i had to adjust the best i could and still try to maintain my goal of raising good kids.

 

All I am saying is , parenting methods change when you actually have a child of your own.

I don't disagree that there will be situations where methodology needs to be tailored to the child.

 

What I don't believe in, is gender bias and the "do what I say" versus "do what I do". Little girls should not be raised with more compliments than little boys, etc, etc. Little boys should not be toughened up and hung out to dry.

[Sheba]

Little girls should not be raised with more compliments than little boys, etc, etc. Little boys should not be toughened up and hung out to dry.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this. I would not want my daughter raised a "princess" with expectations of being catered to like a delicate flower. My son is very sensitive and a deep thinker and I love that about him. I hate to hear little girls told to "act like a lady" when that generally means to not express their opinion. I hate to hear little boys told to "be a man" or to otherwise alienate themselves from their feelings. I even feel very annoyed when people talk about "girls' toys" and "boys' toys".

 

However there are some gender differences, perhaps imposed by society as opposed to nature, that have to be acknowledged. My son spoke of boxing yesterday - I said, in jest, "how could you think of such a thing, look at your perfect nose - do you want that perfect nose ruined?". He replied that he did not care about his nose and then modified that by saying "at least not as much as [my sister] cares about hers".

 

Society tells girls that looks are all-important and if you had a daughter, TBF, you would HATE that. My daughter is beautiful and brilliant and creative and passionate - but overweight. She despises herself. She responds to compliments by saying "yeah but I am fat". It hurts my heart to hear her speak that way of herself.

 

I have worked on this with her every way I know how, with plenty of advice from wise people and from every conceivable angle. I can't make dieting and exercise a big issue without reinforcing the sickening view that she is unacceptable as she is, and I can't ignore the issue without making things worse for her and being unsupportive. She has lost weight and kept it off, but is still much bigger than most other girls her age. It is a burden for her every day. I feel I failed her as a mom by not "stopping" the weight gain when she was younger and by being unable to help her more effectively now.

 

This is just one parenting issue in my life. There are many.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree wholeheartedly with this. I would not want my daughter raised a "princess" with expectations of being catered to like a delicate flower. My son is very sensitive and a deep thinker and I love that about him. I hate to hear little girls told to "act like a lady" when that generally means to not express their opinion. I hate to hear little boys told to "be a man" or to otherwise alienate themselves from their feelings. I even feel very annoyed when people talk about "girls' toys" and "boys' toys".

 

However there are some gender differences, perhaps imposed by society as opposed to nature, that have to be acknowledged. My son spoke of boxing yesterday - I said, in jest, "how could you think of such a thing, look at your perfect nose - do you want that perfect nose ruined?". He replied that he did not care about his nose and then modified that by saying "at least not as much as [my sister] cares about hers".

 

Society tells girls that looks are all-important and if you had a daughter, TBF, you would HATE that. My daughter is beautiful and brilliant and creative and passionate - but overweight. She despises herself. She responds to compliments by saying "yeah but I am fat". It hurts my heart to hear her speak that way of herself.

 

I have worked on this with her every way I know how, with plenty of advice from wise people and from every conceivable angle. I can't make dieting and exercise a big issue without reinforcing the sickening view that she is unacceptable as she is, and I can't ignore the issue without making things worse for her and being unsupportive. She has lost weight and kept it off, but is still much bigger than most other girls her age. It is a burden for her every day. I feel I failed her as a mom by not "stopping" the weight gain when she was younger and by being unable to help her more effectively now.

 

This is just one parenting issue in my life. There are many.

In all honesty, I find the societal focus on looks appalling. No doubt everyone wants to feel attractive but it's the focus on perfection and "hawtness" that's ridiculous. This applies for both genders. If a guy doesn't have a six pack, he's doomed. If a woman doesn't have double DDs, she needs cosmetic surgery. Ick...give me a break.