flowergirl Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 So, my boyfriend and I have made it through 1 year and 1/2 Anyway, there's only one issue that concerns me. His view on family is, in my opinion, warped. He believes that constant connection to one's family is unneccessary after one has reached adulthood. He says he loves his family, which I believe, because I've seen him interact with his mom, and they're alot alike and get along just fine. However, I feel much differently about family, even though my immediate family isn't very close, I'm quite close to my extended family, and although I don't think I need to constantly be around my family or have them coddle me, I do feel family is most important and a neccesary system of support, but he feels that that's not true, and that when he sees his family, he sees them, which is usually every couple of months. I think it's very weird and somewhat unhealthy for some one who claims he's do anything for his family to act like he doesn't really care that much. What do you guys think?
laRubiaBonita Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 each family is different. as you say, he loves them and treats them well and they do just fine. if it poses no problems in your relationship, other than You thinking it's odd... i do not see what the problem is?
LoveLace Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 each family is different. as you say, he loves them and treats them well and they do just fine. if it poses no problems in your relationship, other than You thinking it's odd... i do not see what the problem is? I agree. Some families are just closer than others, and in different ways. You should both just try and respect each others' view on it. It doesn't sound like anything is unhealthy about it, to me, unless it makes you uncomfortable enough to pose a problem for the relationship. But yes some families are like best friends, while others just stay in touch, while others argue and fight constantly. I call my parents about once a week or so at least...but I know people who talk to their parents every single day. I know other people who go months without family contact. The reasons for this vary; but from what I've seen, none of it necessarily represents how well they get along, etc. There are families together all the time that just hate each other, and families that love each other, even though they only speak once a year. It can easily be the other way around, too. So I'd think that as long as you can tell he loves his family and treats them well, I wouldn't call him "warped"--just a little different than you.
Krytellan Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 I think it's very weird and somewhat unhealthy for some one who claims he's do anything for his family to act like he doesn't really care that much. What do you guys think? There are some things in life you just need to agree to disagree on with people, and I have found this to be one of them. No one can truly know what the history and relationships are in another's family. I'm just like him. I love my family (well, mother, and siblings) to death. I truly think they are the most wonderful people in my life. That said, Ever since I started grad school in 2000, I have seen them an average of 1.5 times/year. I'm fine with it, and they're fine with it. When we're together it's like we were never apart, and I know they love me. Others, like my gf, see their family 4-5 times/week. I think that's too much, but then I don't care... it's not my family. This will probably sound harsh, but it's truly meant with compassion. You need to try to not care or have any judgments on his family interactions. It's not for you to decide what's appropriate, just as he shouldn't try to tell you your family relationship is weird... it just is. How often someone interacts with family has absolutely no bearing on the amount of love, compassion, or respect that the members have. Probably best to let it go and understand it does not make him a bad person.
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 It depends on whether you're friends with your family. If you are, you'll probably spend more time with them because it becomes a fun experience to hang with them. If you're not, you'll spend less time. As long as there's mutual love and respect between, the frequency is meaningless. On the other hand, it's not as if you can pick your family. Some people are lucky and have family that's amazing, others, not so lucky.
Author flowergirl Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Thanks to everyone for their honest responses. I just felt so concerned about his family philosophy of wanting to limit interaction with his mother who lives about 15-20 minutes away because he wants independence and not to be emotionally tied to her because he's an adult now. That's what made me wonder. Ironically, I'm, with the exception of my father, I'm not close to my immediate family at all, in fact, I don't even like my mother, but I feel it's quite important to utilize your family, immediate or extended, as the core system of support because that's where you came from. I've never met anyone, even some of my friends with really dysfunctional families, who didn't feel family was first, and it seems so odd to me that a person would so easily be able to dismiss family as people they loved but not as important as living in the world and being happy, weird if you ask me.
laRubiaBonita Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Thanks to everyone for their honest responses. I just felt so concerned about his family philosophy of wanting to limit interaction with his mother who lives about 15-20 minutes away because he wants independence and not to be emotionally tied to her because he's an adult now. That's what made me wonder. Ironically, I'm, with the exception of my father, I'm not close to my immediate family at all, in fact, I don't even like my mother, but I feel it's quite important to utilize your family, immediate or extended, as the core system of support because that's where you came from. I've never met anyone, even some of my friends with really dysfunctional families, who didn't feel family was first, and it seems so odd to me that a person would so easily be able to dismiss family as people they loved but not as important as living in the world and being happy, weird if you ask me. maybe since you are not even in like with your mother, you feel he Should be.
LoveLace Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Sorry but you say you don't like your mother and your not close to your immediately family, so I don't think you even have room to be criticizing his family relationships. I can relate to how he feels...my mom lives right down the street from me. I make it a point to call her often but I am so busy that I only get to visit every couple weeks or even less (I'm a full-time employee and a full-time nursing student). I love her dearly but I also don't want her to become too dependent on me emotionally. It's the time of my life where I'm just now really starting my own life so I don't want others to rely on me for too much right now. I come 1st right now. My mother already talks about me supporting her when I get out of nursing school and I don't even have a boyfriend yet. So I feel the burden of her already; it isn't that she doesn't come 1st and I "utilize" her plenty. But she's already voicing how much she's counting on me in the future to take care of her and take her with me everywhere I go. She will never get re-married and I'm her only kid, so I'm f*ckd. It doesn't exactly make you want to have frequent contact with someone. Your BF's sitch is probably nothing like mine, just saying I understand where he's coming from.
Recommended Posts