ginamc10 Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 I posted the entry below in my last post. My first entry in that post was so long that I was afraid that someone that needed in on my enlightening moment may miss it so I wanted to add it to a new thread. So below is my enlightening moment that I hope has changed my attitude and hopefully my life: I had a peace come over me sometime in the wee hours of the morning. I had fallen asleep in the recliner and when I moved to my bed it was about 2:00 a.m. I couldn't sleep, so of course I laid in the bed and just thought. It occurred to me that this isn't my first rodeo of thinking I love someone and wondering what was gonna happen next. I have been married, divorced, and in a few long term relationships along my life. Each time, when I broke up with someone, including my husband, I was true to my heart. When it was over for me it was over. That was when I was doing the breaking up. I didn't want to look back and if they groveled over me, it only made me know I had made the right decision. When someone left me, then I was the one groveling and worrying what I had done wrong and if there was anything I could do to win this person back because I didn't feel done with them yet. It has lead me on some long roads of hanging on and not getting on with my life. Being preoccupied with thoughts of whoever it may be at the time and even affected my life as far as interest in my children and basically functioning from a day to day basis. Then I realized, I made it through it all. Eventually someone else would come along and take away that pain left behind and I would be equally as happy as I was before. Some of these people will always hold speacial places in my heart and I will always care for them. But I am glad life lead me away and in a different direction. Then it occured to me, that if I don't take the lessons learned from each of these relationships and apply it to my life now then what good did they do. So, it was like a light turned on. I am not gonna worry about this situation anymore. I prayed about it and I just decided to leave it up to the big man above. He knows my heart and what I need. I have survived a few heartbreaks and I can survive this one also. I am not gonna worry about what is gonna happen today, tomorrow, next week, next year. I will one day find that person who loves me and I love that will spend the rest of my life with me. While I was having it out with the "big man above", it came to me that all the worrying I had done in the past, all the pining for just a glimpse of the person or waiting and wondering if I would hear from them or if they even cared at all, didn't help a thing. Time still went on and whatever the outcome, my worrying, crying, calling to keep in touch, playing the game, none of it changed a thing. This is the lesson I had to learn from each of these dead-ends. What good did any of it do? None. I am still here. I moved on as they did and life went on. I spent way too much time in the past worrying and I am just not gonna do it any more. This totally put a whole new twist on the NC thing. Why do I want to put myself out there for this guy and keep him on my mind constantly and let it comsume me when I probably haven't even crossed his mind today. I don't want that. The one I want will never put me through this. He won't desert me and I won't have to play the games. He is somewhere, he exist, i just haven't found him yet. I am not gonna worry about going down the road past my ex's house anymore. I have traveled that road everyday for most of my life. What if I pass his house 3 times today and he sees me. So what!! I am no longer gonna worry if I will hear from him or see him. Why should I? Is it gonna make a difference if I sit here thinking about it all day. No. I can assure you he is not spending his day consumed with me. It is a freedom that was given to me last night that I needed so badly. A calm. I have someone much bigger than me looking out for me so I don't have to worry about this anymore. No more wasted days consumed with what ifs and what did I do wrong. It is a very refreshing feeling almost like stepping out into a new horizon and knowing I will find my destination and all the worrying in the world isn't gonna get me there any faster. In fact, it will only slow me down. God has lead me this far. I have had a good life and spent way too much time since my divorce looking for that something to complete me and my kids. My kids have went through alot of their life seeing me almost incapiable of day to day functions all because of a man. No more!! They are growing up. In ten years my oldest will be 22 and my youngest 20. I have put them on the back burner way too many times just because of dead-end relationships, broken hearts and depression over all of it. None of it done me any good and I only missed out on enjoying seeing them grow. I was with them in body, but my mind was always consumed. No more!! And this feels awsome!! Good luck to all the broken hearts out there. It does hurt when things aren't the way we want them. We grieve, we consume ourselves, time steps in and years pass and when we look back, most of us see that all of the bad times were for the best and if we have something good in our life when we look back, we realize that it was the only way. Stepping stones to get us where we need to be. SO LET IT GO!! LIVE LIFE AND ENJOY THE RIDE. I let it go last night and I have complete faith I will end up where I am supposed to be. Good luck to all of you!
outofdarkness Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 That was a rather rambling and long post. You need to shorten it if you expect to get replies. If you're feeling so peaceful, why are you posting on this forum? Just a thought...
Author ginamc10 Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Well, my first post was yesterday. I have read here many times, because as you can see in this post it says I have consumed myself with this sort of thing. I really don't care if it is long or rambling. It is my on personal insight that I have needed to come to for a long time. Maybe it is of no help to you, that is fine. It is not written here to get replies. If someone would like to leave one then that is fine, if not oh well. But there maybe someone out there that needed a little motivation today. Maybe to pick up and move on or just to think on a different track. I put it here because I can. And it has been a beautiful day, little thought of the ex and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Does that answer your question?
funkybassplayer Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 well said no one has the right to tell you what you feel is long and rambling! I have found that this is a great place to write just what you feel in your heart, and its helping me to see what my ex was really all about by writing my thoughts here!
outofdarkness Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Well, my first post was yesterday. I have read here many times, because as you can see in this post it says I have consumed myself with this sort of thing. I really don't care if it is long or rambling. It is my on personal insight that I have needed to come to for a long time. Maybe it is of no help to you, that is fine. It is not written here to get replies. If someone would like to leave one then that is fine, if not oh well. But there maybe someone out there that needed a little motivation today. Maybe to pick up and move on or just to think on a different track. I put it here because I can. And it has been a beautiful day, little thought of the ex and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Does that answer your question? umm...sort of I guess.
polywog Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I thought it was a lovely, hopeful post and it made me happy to read your story, and helped me with what I'm going through. So thanks!
marlena Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Yes, like Polywog said it was a lovely and encouraging post. I hope the epiphany of sorts you had stays with you every day of your life. This sort of thing happened to me a couple of times and sustained me but only for a short duration - and then it was back to the yearning and wondering - thw whys and the if onlys -- so draining to the soul... Thanks for sharing with us! Hi Polywog! Hope you're hanging in there! Hugs!
polywog Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Yes, like Polywog said it was a lovely and encouraging post. I hope the epiphany of sorts you had stays with you every day of your life. This sort of thing happened to me a couple of times and sustained me but only for a short duration - and then it was back to the yearning and wondering - thw whys and the if onlys -- so draining to the soul... Thanks for sharing with us! Hi Polywog! Hope you're hanging in there! Hugs! Hi marlena, I'm doing OK, most days... I hope you are, too. [HUGS]&bunnie:bunny: I thought about you as I read this thread...so thanks, OP... some of us have been through all the long road you have!. I found this thread inspiring, as I think we can have these epiphanies where suddenly enough is enough. It's like a gift. This thread told a story of one woman's moment after telling us her history, which parallels my own in so many ways. I have to see my recent ex and pass his house often, too because I live in a small town. It get's a little easier with time, though I have my days where I just wish and long to get it all back. But I need to devote this energy to Now, and the reality is we aren't together anymore because he ended it, and has moved on. I hang onto hope, I try not to, but it's there.... and frankly, it drains me of energy that is better spent moving on in my own life. I suppose it's natural, and I do my best not to feed it. So this thread helped me a lot.
Author ginamc10 Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 Thank you to all that left me positive feedback on my Post. Of course my memories remain. I will think of him for a while but coming to this point of letting go helps alot with my longing to see him, talk to him and be with him. I hope it isn't short lived but anyway, it has helped these past couple of days. Good luck to you all and this website helps to know that I definately am not alone in on this broken road.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I just got this in my email box and thought it applied: "Worry looks around, sorry looks back, and faith looks up"
Trialbyfire Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 This totally put a whole new twist on the NC thing. Why do I want to put myself out there for this guy and keep him on my mind constantly and let it comsume me when I probably haven't even crossed his mind today. I don't want that. The one I want will never put me through this. He won't desert me and I won't have to play the games. He is somewhere, he exist, i just haven't found him yet. This concerned me about your post. Please remember that you may not rely on someone else to provide/owe/create your happiness. This is your job.
Author ginamc10 Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 You are right. No one can or should. That is when it hurts the worst is when you let someone be able to control your moods on a day to day basis. But what I really mean is that I want to make better choices about the men in my life. I have always picked the "free spirited" ones. When it begins, my gut usually tells me they are only here for a little while. I just haven't met the one that my gut said, "this is it" and I am waiting on that. I have let men control my feelings. And that is why I think I want to take a break and just focus on my kids for a while. It is something I have to learn because I do feel like I am still in that waiting room sometime. Waiting to find my soul mate to move on with my life. I have started reading "the secret" today. I still feel great about my "awakening" and a friend suggested I read this book. So I am in a learning process right now with finding happiness from inside of me and getting out of the waiting room.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Waiting to find my soul mate to move on with my life. Why would you need a soul mate to move on with your life?? I can see that you might need to regroup, get intouch with and remember who you are outside of a relationship, but why do want someone else to be happy? If that is the case then what could you ever have to offer another person?? Find you, love you, celebrate you, then other's will see in you what you see in yourself and you'll have people clammoring around to be near you. "I complete me, anything else is merely lagniappe! " Let us know how you like The Secret, I've heard mixed reviews.
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