We're In Love but the Boyfriend has Issues!!

[Love Heart]

i have a relationship problem - with my boyfriend.

 

we have been going out for just over 18 months. we love each other very much but he has a bit of baggage from a previous marriage and past relationship following that. for the most part it's great but there are moments where he gets drunk and very negative. then he rehashes "same old, same old" incidents that never get resolved no matter how many times we have talked about them. We are grown adults by the way, he being older.

 

early into our relationship he claims something happened (which didn't) with another guy he knows. I told him nothing ever did (didnt even realise he thought i'd kissed someone till about 3 months later - i thought he simply felt left out one time when i was talking to another person) but by that stage "the damage had obviously been done". He'd let it fester in his head and therre was some miscommunication. He says he's lost a few friends since cuz of me. Doesnt really make you feel that good having someone think that of you - especially when you view things differently.

 

Then he claims that i am the reason he isnt friends with his best friend any more. He thinks that i have tried to hit on that particular person in the past, or that something went on and i am lying about it or denying that i ever felt something for that person. I AM NOT!!! Dammit, whenever i have tried to tell him that (both at the time when he's been drunk AND also we've been talking sober and rationally - we are good communicators), he tells me i'm full of sh*t. Honestly, i never really even liked this "best friend" of his. He was quite rude to me initially and I've always viewed him as one of these people who tries to see what he can get out of a situation. But whenever it comes up, it's all my fault that they arent friends any more.

 

It aggravates me to no end!! I've told him that some things we are never going to agree on. Our perceptions and experiences up until our meeting point have been very different. i deduce that we see different truths in this. me talking to other people (males in particular) does not result in me wanting to run off and sleep with them.

 

i come from a family that is quite open with showing feelings, and have always had people around me & friends who are open and welcoming. the fact i talk to people doesnt mean i want them. i love him so much, i dont even want anyone else. And all the people he claims i've supposedly made eyes at are married or in serious relationships which makes it even more absurd that he says these things. All i want is a loving relationship, that makes us both happy for Pete's sake. Is it too much to ask?

i wouldnt want to waste my time trying to resolve this crap if i didnt think my boyfriend was worth it. he is someone i could easily spend the rest of my life with - if only these issues would get solved. i've tried to be more like a friend aswell as a lover. i try my best to bring some joy into his life. i've tried my best to rebuild trust that has been destroyed as a result of these misperceptions.

 

he knows how much i love him and i tell him all the time. he said he never has much time to himself (works a lot) so i havent been staying there during the week - he has some things he needs to work on/complete and its fair enough. he says he needs to start looking after himself, and needs time, so i give him time and space, and then he never gets anything done. then when i do get to spend time with him, i feel like i am taking up all his "Me" (him) time.

 

i get scared that something so good will end due to a whole series of false incidents -- things that arent the case. i think i should know if i am the one in question. i wont compromise my own integrity. and honesty is something important to us both, though he obviously doubts it from me by saying those stupid things.

 

 

this week has been really hard. he's been quite depressed the last two days and gets really cold and negative and brings up that crap about "i have nothing, i have no male friends" as if to say to me "look at what you've done to me, look at what you've caused." I'm not trying to sound insensitive - because i am not, i am just sick of feeling like i beat my head against a brick wall trying to defend myself.

 

He loves me and adores me back. But it's hard having to have a relationship that swings between great and not-so-great from one day/week/month to the next. He drinks alot and smokes pot, though hasnt this week so i know that he's probably coming down off that a bit. He knows and realises he has problems (he admits that he does) yet often can't pull himself out of it to do anything about it.

 

In my heart i do believe that our relationship problems aren't insurmountable. Perhaps im too positive for my own good. He seems to have trust and insecurity issues but is such a great person, who is great at what he does. Very talented. The good stuff outweighs the bad stuff, but i would rather have the good stuff continually rather than a yo-yo relationship.

 

I just want to know what i can do to help him. To help fix this or make it better cuz im at wits end. i am trying to find ways we can make it work and get over these trust / deep-seated issues? BTW, he's not the kind of person that wants to see a counsellor or therapist (he can usually solve things through meditation and self help, but where is that ability now?).

So i put it forward: what would you guys do???

I am interested in hearing your views and insight...

 

For now I am just The Frustrated Girlfriend sorry for the rant

[jcster]

Your boyfriend is blaming you for the loss of his friends. He won't take your word that you haven't messed around or even considered messing around on him.

 

I'm sorry, dear - but your boyfriend is a loser. And...it sounds like he's an alcoholic as well. When you start taking responsibility for his problems and his state of mind, you know there are serious problems in the relationship. Just what is it that you love about him? And just how is he loving towards you (considering he thinks your cheating on him, ruining his friendships and taking up all of his valuable time)? It sounds like he's done quite a good job of roping you in. Try thinking about this relationship rationally, and you'll see that you aren't getting a darn thing out of it. Good luck.

[frygirl]

I'm sorry, and I know this is tough, but you should break it off now with this guy. From your story, here is what I have concluded:

 

1. He is still hung up on one of his exes.

2. He is not that into you. A guy wanting a lot of "alone time" and then not really "there" when you ARE there....sorry, he's not into you.

A guy who is into you wants to spend time with you, and he's happy when he's in your presence. He takes you out and spends time with you, it is something he wants to do.

3. He's mentally whack. Why would he be paranoid on blaming you with stuff.

4. He's a pothead. That is definitely contributing to his paranoia. Also it is contributing to his lack of interest in being around you and having sex. Pothead guys are like that, they are very indifferent to their girlfriends and sex because pot satisfies them, and they prefer it to their girlfriends or sexlife. Heck, most serious potheads can't get it up anyway. Top that with the fact that he's a drunk and you really don't have a chance here, sister.

5. Don't you think you can do better than this loser?

 

You just said exactly what I was thinking.

 

I'm having a hard time understanding what is so great about him and why you think your realtionship is such a good thing. He is a drug abusing delusional alcoholic. I don't mean to be harsh but I think you need a wake up call. This guy is just bringing you down. You can't fix him.

[Krytellan]

we are good communicators), he tells me i'm full of sh*t.

 

HAHA. Sorry, I thought that was an awesome combination of thoughts.

 

Seriously though, it seems that regardless of what you want to happen, you're fighting an uphill battle. You two will never be "equal" in this relationship because he thinks he has things to blame you for. You sign up for a lot of crap by continuing this.

[Love Heart]

HAHA. Sorry, I thought that was an awesome combination of thoughts.

 

Seriously though, it seems that regardless of what you want to happen, you're fighting an uphill battle. You two will never be "equal" in this relationship because he thinks he has things to blame you for. You sign up for a lot of crap by continuing this.

 

 

i know - when you cut the quote and put it in that context it is pretty funny little juxtaposition.

 

[Love Heart]

jcster - he does have some alcohol issues. not always on the scale of being a total alcoholic. doesnt drink constantly, but occasionally and the problem lies with a few of the days he does decide to drink here and there when he's had more than normal. alcohol being a depressant and all.

 

to clarify, he's not always being irrational like this, it's just through his moments of doubt and sadness it gets to this stage. they happen every so often - not all the time, but at random points depending on how stressful work and life gets.

 

apart from that he is amazing. he does take me out and loves to spend time with me and shows how much he loves me. we have a lot of fun together. we have a lot in common and he knows where the root of his problem truly lies - within himself. he just gets all unreasonable during the moments of depression. so i don't consider him a loser, but as Krystellan said, yeah it can be an uphill battle.

 

the fact he is smart and in-tune enough to know what needs to be fixed in him and where shows me there is light at the end of the tunnel, but still...

 

frygirl - pot does add to the paranoia. he's still friends with the main ex, (and i am too) but feels a lot of guilt about their relationship ending so that is where the hang ups are. as much as he blames me for his friends etc, deep down he knows its really his insecurities and whatever else. we've talked about that. though forgets that when he's being irrational.

 

he is a great guy, whose just a bit lost right now. he wasn't like this years ago when i met him - several years before we hooked up. Though i guess its hard for people to see the qualities in him that i do when we're talking about a total stranger.

 

it makes it harder to walk away knowing that he hasn't always been like this, and knowing he wants to get back to being happpier like he used to be. also knowing it is possible he can.