lost0604 Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Ok I am losing it I think. Does anyone ever feel this way? I am all over the place. Today MM brought his son into work again and his son asked me to bring mine in so they can play...they have before while at work so they know one another...i was hesitant but I felt bad for him having nothing to do all day and of course part of me wants them to be friends cause i am a moron and still have hope somewhere inside of me...stupid stupid stupid...anyway so we are all here today and it is sooooo hard watching them play and watching MM play with them together. of course my mind is all over the place and imagining the future...blah blah...I am trying to fight it and getting so upset cause I really don't think it will ever happen but I can't stop wanting it. Has anyone's MM ever told anyone about you? Mine has told 3 of his close friends over time...he talks to them on occassion about it but o matter what happens the confusion is still there for him...for him the biggest thing is not living with his kids....he is a great dad and I know he would remain a great dad...she is pretty busy and he is like mr mom when he is home..he watches them a lot while she does...whatever...so i know she'd still need that from him so they'd be with him a lot still...I don't know I know I need to just stabalize my life but I just cant' seem to let go, things at home are so hard...all i want to do is lay down and curl up but i have to act like everything is fine and sometimes i dont' do such a good job. H often asks me what is wrong..the last two nights he has spent up late on the computer doing god knows what...before he moved out we never really spent time together..it was more play with my son get him in bed clean up he did his own thing and we'd go to bed together or separate but not much interaction. I want more...I want MM...I know he wants this and is just trying to figure it out but I just don't think he can ever get pass leaving his boys...my plan really is to just distance myself...i did a great job yesterday of keeping it strictly about work...he said he felt sick to his stomach and just wanted me to look at him or smile...but i wouldn't look at him at all....i am glad it effected him but so what? right? he isn't with me....aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh I don't know how i am gonna get through this...i want him so badly...can't imagine my life without him...something very hard is he has really become my best friend so i am lost that too...sigh...just feel all over the place
NoIDidn't Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 You sound like you need a nap. Is there a break room around?
Lucy75 Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Wow, I just went back and read some of your posts. My story and your story have so many similarities...sort of scary. I am more than surprised to find someone (actually many people) in the same situation as myself. Here I thought I was the only one living like this...trying to make a decision...and not knowing which way to go...feeling alone and not having anyone to discuss it with. So thank you for that. I feel that much less alone after reading your posts. I'm not sure that I can give you any words of wisdom. Actually, I know I can't. I only can say that I know what you are going through and I wish you strength to get through this. The strength, that more days than not, I feel I don't have. I wish you luck and hugs.
Shades of Grey Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Lost, like Lucy my story has so many similarities to yours particularly in the way that you say you are feeling. My mm was my best friend too and I can't now imagine my life without him. His biggest thing was not wanting to leave his kids as in the "seeing them grow up every day" sense of the word. I desperately didn't want him to leave them or his wife for me but everything he said about how unhappy and miserable he was in his marriage made me so want him to make the decision for himself. His marriage sounds simiilar to your mm's in that his w is always busy and he would spend a lot of time with them alone etc. As I mentioned on a different thread he last week my mm decided that he needs to make the sacrifice for his kids and go back home even though he felt nothing for his wife in terms of love. He couldn't seem to move past leaving his kids nor realise that leaving the marriage did not mean or should ever mean that he was leaving them. If your mm is like mine I don't know lost if he ever will although I know you want it to work out so much when it comes to the crunch will he make the leap? My belief is that if you know in your heart that you are not in love with your wife/husband and can't imagine ever being again or even wanting to be (like my mm always said) and you have tried and failed to achieve this then no one benefits from them staying in the marriage including the kids but hey I am just the xow I guess I would say that. On the other hand if it is a one off affair and you feel anything at all for your partner where kids are involved I think you owe it to them to give it a go. I mentioned before that I work with my mm and i found out today by accident that 5 days after breaking it off with me he has quit his job. I knew his w would make him do that as a condition of him going home because she knows about me but god I feel suicidal at the prospect that this is so final.
NoIDidn't Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 I mentioned before that I work with my mm and i found out today by accident that 5 days after breaking it off with me he has quit his job. I knew his w would make him do that as a condition of him going home because she knows about me but god I feel suicidal at the prospect that this is so final. I hope you are not serious about the suicidal part. He made his decision whether his W requested it or not. Do you have a therapist lined up to talk about your feelings, though? I am really concerned about the "suicidal" comment.
Shades of Grey Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Oh yes don't worry I am well aware that she couldn't force him to do this. He was clearly a huge part in the decision. Don't worry I have no plans to do anything stupid, I just couldn't do that to my family but honestly yes I do feel suicidal and am finding it a huge struggle to carry on. I went to see my doctor today and he prescribed antidepressents. I felt like such an idiot and a failure. he recommended I see a therapist and I am thinking about it.
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