phaedrus069 Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 I've posted here a few times. The gist of what happened is that my ex-girlfriend broke by trust. We'd been seeing each other for two years. I was happy and while she spoke sometimes of wanting to be single again to experience life on her own (she has been in a relationship for the past 9 years, back to back) she reassured me that she loved me and never wanted to be with anyone else. She said that I was the best person for her. We broke up suddenly after I left for a two-week trip. I flew her out to see me at the end of my trip, she was cold and distant and after questioning her behavior she told me it was over. When we were breaking up she told me it was because she'd needed to be single again, needed time to be alone and never really wanted to be in a relationship (with anyone) again. She lied. I found out two days ago that while I was gone she moved on to be with our downstairs neighbor who is almost twice our age. She refused to tell me if she kissed him when we were together, the night before she came to see me. I'm fairly sure the same day she told me she never wanted to be in another relationship was when she began sleeping with him. Finding out the truth ended my feelings for her. I no longer love her, but I feel deeply betrayed. I had told her that I would love her through anything except if she did to me what she had done to her two past boyfriends, that is, waited for the next guy before moving on. I even gave her permission to go out to dinner with him the night before she came to see me. She said she was lonely being in our apartment by ourself and just wanted to hang out with someone. I told her I loved her and trusted her. I don't have any trust left. Now I'm pretty messed up inside. She killed my ability to trust others. I believed her all of the times she told me how much she cared, and how she would never treat me that way. I want to cry, but I can't. I have to hide that pain at work, at home because I still have to see her every day until I can leave the apartment we shared. I have to hold my chin up everytime I walk past his apartment. My friends are 800 miles away, good to talk to, but hard to let it's hard to let it all out over the phone. I'm trying to cope but I'm so upset I'm not able to focus on anything. I woke up this morning at 4am in a cold sweat after having a dream about her and what she did. She see's nothing wrong in what she did. I don't understand how you could lie to someone's face, someone that you said you loved, and do this. At least I got a little of this out.
funkybassplayer Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 thats real tough on you. My ex lied to keep me as a friend saying i can still be aprt off the kids lives untill the next guy came along! (two weeks after split) then it was bye bye Rich, and she has'nt contacted me since! some girls can be great actors man. She deserved an award for her performance. And you know what, its not the split that upset me, it was the lying, thats what messed my head up! Good luck mate, i hope you can let go of your anger, like i hope i can.
norajane Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it feels like the worst thing in the world and that you'll never get over it, but you will. You will. Fact is, this is a pattern with her - which you even recognized before she ever betrayed you. This is who she is. It was just a matter of time before she did it to you. Just like it's a matter of time before she does it to the new guy. She has issues. Not every woman is like this. Don't let her ruin your trust in other women you meet in the future. This one came with lots of warning signs and warning bells - if you meet someone who comes with warning signs, pay heed next time. People rarely change their patterns without therapy or a big kick in the ass. Some people need both therapy AND a big kick in the ass. Write out your feelings here - there are plenty of people who have been betrayed and know exactly how you feel right now. Some of us have been there and have come out the other side, so we know you will too. Stay strong and have faith in yourself and the future.
Author phaedrus069 Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 Funky, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something similar. I only shared one life with my ex, I can't imagine how hard it must be when children are involved. I was upset with the split, but had started to accept it. The lying however is completely undeserved in any situation when no abuse or mistreatment was involved. Norajane, Thank you for the sympathy. I feel much better whenever I post here. It's nice to just put it all down somewhere instead of bottling it up inside. Something else happened. I have a hookah that I bought on vacation with her (we both had Lebanese friends in graduate school who introduced us to the mello flavor of smoke). I'd also bought a very expensive batch of specially flavored tobacco that we've had for over a year and had been slowly using. I noticed this morning (I was gone all afternoon looking at apartments) that the box I normally store it in was shifted and the cover was not fully closed. I looked in and saw that she had taken my property and realized that she had brought it downstairs. I was pretty mad , this was not a joint purchase. It was flat out mine. I caught her leaving his apartment this morning as I was going to my car and gave her a taste of how unimpressed I was that she did something like this. It turns out she had used all of the flavored tobacco (I used it very infrequently so there was quite a bit left). I guess she'd thought she would just replace it without me noticing. Big mistake. I'm looking forward to confronting her (if she comes home) and telling her what I think about this and about how she has been behaving. She deserves to have what she's done laid out in front of her. I'm writing out how I feel and I'll probably post it later ,
funkybassplayer Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Thanks, i feeling much better now. Yesterday i sent back her stuff, and its strange but i feel free now, and i realise that she was no good for me at all. So now ready to move forward. I dont feel angry anymore, i dont feel nothing! I breifly saw her on msn today, but i just sighned off, not because she was there but because i did what i needed and went. So feeling more at ease with me for once in a very long time. I felt really happy today, (maybe its cos i sent back the last of her stuff, and didnt use it as an excuse for contact) and the thought that i may never see them again is not that scary anymore! I think shes the one that lost me! I will be a mate at a later stage if she wants but nothing more. Its amazing how fast you can go from being down to back to normal. I think its just taking a few positive steps and taking back control of your own life.
bish Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I no longer love her, but I feel deeply betrayed. Dude, trust me. You are young and are better off without an immature tart like this. Don't feel the need to cry over someone like that. You should actually be doing the happy dance that you found out about her this soon as opposed to later when it is too late. Enjoy your new found freedom and use it to find someone trustworthy and faithful.
Author phaedrus069 Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 Funky, I know what you mean about taking positive steps forward. Between my post yesterday and a really long and pleasant apartment interview with a really friendly couple I feel dramatically better. I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better as well. Like you said, she lost you. Now we both have the freedom to find someone better. Bish, I actually laughed hard enough at your first sentence to shed a tear (it's been a while since I've heard the word "tart"). She is immature and I am so happy that things ended sooner than later. It's just shocking sometimes how messed up she is.
bish Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Bish, I actually laughed hard enough at your first sentence to shed a tear (it's been a while since I've heard the word "tart"). Oh believe me, that is the nicest way I can put it. I could say what I really want to say, but self control got the better of me.
Author phaedrus069 Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 Well, I had my chance to confront her. I told her we needed to talk and this is almost word for word what I said. I'm very unimpressed with what you did with the hookah. With how all of this went that was inconsiderate and, quite frankly, ridiculous. Do you lack that voice in your head that might say, gee maybe I shouldn't do this? I don't care how innocent you think you are, but that was unacceptable. Look, I loved you, cared for you, and comforted you. I accepted and tried to help you with your anxiety, intimacy and commitment issues. What did I ask in return? That you be faithful and honest. I'd told you the one thing I never wanted you to do to me was to cheat on me, and when I said that I meant more than have sex with someone else. I meant I didn't want you to lie to my face, tell me that you couldn't be happier with anyone else and then, as soon as you found someone to give you a new source of affection, move on. I gave you plenty of chances to get out if your feelings had changed. When you mentioned regret at not being single, I gave you the opportunity to breakup. Look at your past, you've done this with every single guy you've been with. Do you remember the night you called me before you went out to dinner with Dave? What I told you? I said that I loved and trusted you. I told you to go out and have fun. You took my trust then, and my trust from when I gave you the opportunity to get out if you were unhappy, and threw it in my face. You lied and told me that you just wanted to be single. Maybe things hadn't started then, but you had to have known that things might be headed that way. I do have the right to be angry at you and at Dave. Dave just didn't do anything nearly as bad as what you did. I didn't beat you, abuse you, mistreat you in any fashion, yet you abused my trust. Be careful because what goes around comes around and one day, someone will do to you what you've done to all of the other men in your past. You need therapy or a sharp kick in the ass.You don't have to worry about me trying to be your friend. Friends don't treat people they care about with such disregard. You have to like your friends, and I don't like you. End Conversation She ignored it all, except for the last sentence where she responded she didn't like me either, but I'm glad I got a chance to tell her off. I was too nice to her for to long. I'm looking forward to going out with the couple I met yesterday on Saturday. They are introducing me to a single friend of theirs and I'm looking forward to having fun with good people, and normal women. BTW- Thanks to our own norajane for the kick in the ass line. It was too true to not be said.
bish Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 She ignored it all, except for the last sentence where she responded she didn't like me either Uh huh. Two scenarios are in play with her reponse that she doesn't like you either. 1) She really doesn't like you, and she played you. But you just weren't a fool to believe it. But I don't really buy this #1. 2) The more likely scenario. When you told her you didn't like her, it stung like a bi!tch. She decides to save face and act all tough and tell you the same thing. Her player ego has been bruised. either way, sweet for you. You didn't let this tart ( i know you like that term ) play you for a fool. You're an oak!!
Author phaedrus069 Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 Bish, I agree with your thoughts. Throughout the whole "talk" she was giving a look of anger/annoyance. When I told her that I didn't like her, I think your right, it hit home. At least deep enough to piss her off. I was hoping something might resonate with her and she would try and get help before she's 40 and alone, but the rationalization was already whirring away. Then again, she's not my problem anymore.
bish Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Bish, I agree with your thoughts. Throughout the whole "talk" she was giving a look of anger/annoyance. When I told her that I didn't like her, I think your right, it hit home. At least deep enough to piss her off. I was hoping something might resonate with her and she would try and get help before she's 40 and alone, but the rationalization was already whirring away. Then again, she's not my problem anymore. Thats right. Let her be somebody elses problem as I'm sure she will be.
Author phaedrus069 Posted June 16, 2007 Author Posted June 16, 2007 So, I had to laugh at this. It seems every time I expect she's done something as odd as she has she seems to raise the bar. First lying, then starting a relationship with someone that old and directly beneath where we live. So here it goes. I had told her I would clean up my stuff that was sitting around the downstairs of the apartment. We both would usually drop off our stuff on the stairs on the way in. I was grabbing up my stuff and noticed a pile of paper sitting there. I grabbed it to see if it was something of mine and saw an apartment application. It's for a place near to where we live that's very nice. I didn't want to live there because the two bedrooms were very expensive. I glanced over what was written on it. It looks like an application for one of three available apt's, one bedrooms. Here's the thing. The monthly rent for a one bedroom is about half of her take home pay, or even double what we were paying per person. Since it's a one bedroom she's not apparently taking a roommate which means she either forgot how expensive this place was or is serious considering moving in with this guy after two weeks. I wonder if her parents know she might be living with a 43 year old guy after only two weeks. Her mom's only 56. I had to share it, seemed to off the wall.
funkybassplayer Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Maybe there moving in together? Anyway , does it matter now?, you got seperate lives. Dont worry about what she's up to it does'nt matter!
InvisibleTouch Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Im sorry you have been treated like this. Join the club. I cant really add to what the other guy's have said to you because they have been absolutely spot on with their interpretations and support. I would add though that you may experience some dramatic shifts in your emotions through the coming weeks/months and possibly years. The highs are ok but the lows are a s h i t. During the lows dont allow yourself to obsess over this damaged girl. You will never be able to rationalise her actions. Just remember that it is wasn't you not being good enough. In reality, you were probably too good for her. PS - The poor bloke downstairs will come knocking on your door one day looking for answers! Poor sod.
funkybassplayer Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 PS - The poor bloke downstairs will come knocking on your door one day looking for answers! Poor sod. Quote Very true, when my ex dumped me I was gutted, she made me feel crap. Now when i look back, she had so many issues! why should i commit to someone who wont even think about divorcing her hubby who she claimed she had no feeling s for whatsoevevr, unyet if he text her some crap, she will lay on the couch in a depression!, and there was me stroking her hair! Yes i begged her, to ditch him, how can we move forward when she is married! but no not interested....ill divorce him when i like.....Thats all i got.....not 3 months ago she wanted me to sell my house to move in and buy him out! apart from the other 50 issues she had!! Why should we feel bad for the one or two things that we never did when they put us through hell! I know why now its because I forgot who i was! she ground me down to her level, and only now not only am i getting stronger, but i can see what a crap life i would have had with this selfish, demanding, uncaring woman. Now she has a new guy, (after a week of us breking up) and all i can think is good luck to em, im better off out! ok i miss the kids, and i miss her, but hey, ill get over it. SELF RESPECT MAN THATS THE KEY TO DEALING WITH THINGS. walk away and leave them to creat another mess.
Author phaedrus069 Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 [sIZE=2]InvisibleTouch, Yes, I've already started riding the emotional rollercoaster. Most of the time I'm okay with the breakup (I definitely don't want her back), but I still feel the sense of loss, both of a person and purpose. Two years isn't a very long time to be together with someone, but it was long enough to become used to thinking about my future and including this person in it. Having to readjust and figure out where to live, having to make all new friends in an area I don't know well at all, and wanting (even if I'm not really ready) to get back out there and start meeting other women has been stressful. I didn't post anything over the weekend because I was sick. The stress finally got the better of my body and I spent almost all of the weekend cooped up in the upstairs bedroom, part illness part hiding. My ex's mother was up visiting (today is my ex's birthday) so I couldn't really avoid seeing either of them as they spent a lot of time around the apartment. On a side note, I found out my ex is trying to buy a condo, so my previous post about her living with this other guy was probably a stretch (although I still find it odd that she had the application). Back to work, but thankfully tonight should be the second to last one I have to spend in the apartment. I have an in town conference for Tuesday thru Thursday of this week, and have a room reserved in a hotel nearby. I should be able to move this Friday (a friend is leaving me his truck to use) and will be basically entirely out except for the couch and maybe the king size bed. [/sIZE]
InvisibleTouch Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 I know where your feelings are and it isn't nice. For the record this girl sounds like a nasty piece of work and although painful you do not want her in your future life. But you know that already. Once she is out from under your feet you will be able to gather your thoughts more easily and from there move forwards to a much healthier place with healthier people. I think part of effects of all this is actually resultant of the rejection rather than the loss of love itself. To have "us" rejected is a pisser but in reality it means jacko. Try and hold onto that point.
funkybassplayer Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Its ok to feel crap, you have to, you have to get all the emotions out, like squezing a spot, it wont heal untill the craps out. we still miss them, yesterday morning i was really unhappy, missing my ex, I did a little internet reseach, she was high mainteance, and there was nothing you can do to keep these people happy for a sustained amount of time. They drain you -energy vampires! but today im ok, im finding that day by day im having better days rather than bad, and in the time out iv had, i have as stated found that she will be no good for me. The sooner you dont see her or her mum, hear from her you will get better. You will go through crap for a few weeks, but things will get better and you will get stronger, its only right. You cant keep a good guy down.
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