JustMe2201 Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 I've been reading around on this forum for a few weeks. Now I suppose I should introduce myself and see if any of you have any thoughts on the question in the title. Very brief background (so I don't bore you to tears.) I am married (8yrs) to a man with emotional issues. We got married very young because I was pregnant. I mistakenly stayed with him because I was naive enough to believe you can love someone's problems away. Just an FYI - that's impossible...but I digress. Last October I had a sit down with my husband when he'd pulled another of his infamous stunts and I couldn't take it anymore. He immediately began reading self-help books and started off and on counseling. During this time we talked a lot about what he'd taken away from me. He constantly put me down for who I was and made me feel like I was awful. So with his newfound attitude he said he thought we should have an 'open marriage.' I know this makes no sense, as it didn't to me either. But I figured it was all part of his strange behavior. I had no plans to take him up on it, but quite frankly, wished he'd take himself up on it because at that point I would have been ok with him leaving. Well, I don't know why I used past tense because I'm still ok with that. Around this time I struck up a conversation online with a mutual friend (MM). The connection was instant and intense. Of course I ignored it because it would only lead to trouble. That didn't last long. I found myself drawn to him and the feeling was definitely mutual. After a couple of months we decided to meet up. I had the green light from my husband - well, a general green light, I'm not sure what he would have said about this friend. But I still felt the need to hide it from my husband for fear he would freak out. So I went to see him. And that was all it was supposed to be. But the following day, before I returned home, I realized how much I really cared about MM. I was not about to turn his life around because of how I felt but a funny thing happened. He texted me and told me how he was feeling (the same as I did.) It's been about 8 months now and things with my husband are very much roomies. We honestly have no sex because I don't want to with him. I realized too much has happened and there is so much better out there (relationship wise) than what we had. Husband and I have talked off and on about the state of our marriage and divorce has come up several times. I'm still afraid his fragile mental state might regress into a giant explosion if he really let it sink in where this is headed. We have kids together and (maybe I'm stupid) I don't think they really suspect anything. We get along as friends with surface conversation but that is it. The relationship with MM is a lot more serious than either one of us thought it would be. I pride myself on being a reasonably intelligent woman. So I find myself trying to convince myself that this 'life' we talk about one day having will never happen. We've both talked at length about leaving our respective marriages. We've even put a time frame on it. So why can't I believe that he would actually leave his W? Everything he's ever promised me he'd do he has done. He makes as much of an effort (if not more) to make sure we see each other. When he talks of leaving the only thing that scares me is he has a child. And moving here would take away the everyday father he enjoys so much. He's realistic too. He says everything else - all other considerations (and yes he made a list) are all easy to deal with. I told him that I would walk away if he thought leaving the child would be too hard because I know he could never end it himself because I know he desperately wants to be here with me. I feel horrible thinking he might have to give up the every day with his kid to have an every day with me. I know he is already planning to leave. He's looked at jobs in my area. He's got a plan together that would allow him to move here. I just have a hard time believing he actually will. Do they? Do they ever actually leave? Has anyone ever had the MM leave the wife and it actually works out? Ok...that was anything but brief and I probably bored you to tears. Sorry!
PoshPrincess Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Hey JustMe! I know what you're going to want to hear - that some DO leave - and this is true. This time last year I wanted to hear exactly the same. My MM didn't leave, but that's not to say yours won't. He isn't necessarily lying to you. I am sure that at this moment in time he believes he WILL leave as my MM did. It's just that when it comes down to it and there is a child/children involved it's not quite so easy. I suppose it depends on the age of the child, how close they are, etc. If you think that you are at the end of the road with YOUR marriage then the best thing you can do for yourself, your H and, believe it or not, your kids, is to finish things. You may not think your kids pick up on things but it's pretty likely that they know SOMETHING is going on (unless of course you and your H have always been like this with each other!) It is natural that they will find things difficult at first but I am sure if you ask any kids whether they would want to live with two parents who are unhappy or have their parents live apart, but be happy, you will only get one answer.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Some leave, most don't. I wouldn't base your divorce on whether or not this guy leaves his wife. I have seen LOTS of women on forums who divorced their husband for their MM and years later are still posting as the OW and waiting for the day when MM finally leaves. Every once in a great while there is an exception and the MM will actually leave, but that is like saying that every once in a while people will win the powerball, or shake hands with the President, or something along those lines. Honestly, I would focus on my own situation first if I were you. Divorce would be the best for you and your husband, it sounds like. As for the MM, planning and looking at jobs aren't real actions, so much as they are stalling techniques to buy himself time. Until he shows you signed and notarized divorce papers, and a lease to his new place - and you get your own divorce ducks in a row - I wouldn't bank too much on a future with him.
Author JustMe2201 Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Hey JustMe! I know what you're going to want to hear - that some DO leave - and this is true. This time last year I wanted to hear exactly the same. My MM didn't leave, but that's not to say yours won't. He isn't necessarily lying to you. I am sure that at this moment in time he believes he WILL leave as my MM did. It's just that when it comes down to it and there is a child/children involved it's not quite so easy. I suppose it depends on the age of the child, how close they are, etc. If you think that you are at the end of the road with YOUR marriage then the best thing you can do for yourself, your H and, believe it or not, your kids, is to finish things. You may not think your kids pick up on things but it's pretty likely that they know SOMETHING is going on (unless of course you and your H have always been like this with each other!) It is natural that they will find things difficult at first but I am sure if you ask any kids whether they would want to live with two parents who are unhappy or have their parents live apart, but be happy, you will only get one answer. Thank you for your reply. And yes, I know my own marriage needs resolved for sure. It will be. The first thing that needs to happen is selling our house, and we've already talked to a realtor. Now it's just a matter of getting it ready. The kids know we're moving and they took that ok. I know that they will adjust. My kids are a little older so they understand reason and they will know they aren't losing their dad. We've talked at length about not being stupid and ridiculous with each other so the kids don't have to be put in the middle. I want to believe my husband will follow through on this point...however, it can be easier said than done. And 'ugh' to the MM not leaving. You're right. I don't think he's lying to me either and I'm sure yours wasn't as well. I know it's difficult when kids are involved. So many of us have settled out of convenience. And when it gets difficult...sometimes settling is just the easy way out. Even after you discover something phenomenal with another person. I guess that's just human nature?
Author JustMe2201 Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Yes, some mm DO leave their wife. Hmm...would love to know more!
Author JustMe2201 Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Some leave, most don't. I wouldn't base your divorce on whether or not this guy leaves his wife. I have seen LOTS of women on forums who divorced their husband for their MM and years later are still posting as the OW and waiting for the day when MM finally leaves. Every once in a great while there is an exception and the MM will actually leave, but that is like saying that every once in a while people will win the powerball, or shake hands with the President, or something along those lines. Honestly, I would focus on my own situation first if I were you. Divorce would be the best for you and your husband, it sounds like. As for the MM, planning and looking at jobs aren't real actions, so much as they are stalling techniques to buy himself time. Until he shows you signed and notarized divorce papers, and a lease to his new place - and you get your own divorce ducks in a row - I wouldn't bank too much on a future with him. Thank you. I know you're right. And I know the divorce with my own husband will happen, despite what may or may not happen with MM. I know the odds are not good - as you so correctly pointed out. And you're right...looking for jobs is one thing...actually interviewing would feel like a step in the right direction. I'm sure the 'nagging' feeling is just my own mind putting up a red flag. Reality sucks!
Tomcat33 Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 I know he is already planning to leave. He's looked at jobs in my area. He's got a plan together that would allow him to move here. I just have a hard time believing he actually will. Do they? Do they ever actually leave? Has anyone ever had the MM leave the wife and it actually works out? Yeah they leave, they will mobilize themselves enough to keep the rel with the OW going but the real question is will they get the divorce? More often than not no. Though if he does make it out of the house chances are the marriage is totally on the rocks and he wants little to no part in saving it, at least for the time being.
PoshPrincess Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 The kids know we're moving and they took that ok. I know that they will adjust. My kids are a little older so they understand reason and they will know they aren't losing their dad. We've talked at length about not being stupid and ridiculous with each other so the kids don't have to be put in the middle. I want to believe my husband will follow through on this point...however, it can be easier said than done. Well done JustMe, you are dealing with the whole situation admirably. It was the same when I split up with my LTP, although our son was too young to know anything and doesn't even remember us living together. Ok, so things were a little tough at first. I left HIM so there was a lot of hatred on his part. However, we are both now seeing other people and have the best R possible for a separated couple, in fact, most people we know can't believe how amicable it all is. Basically, we just want what's best for our son and totally trust each others judgement that neither of us will get involved with someone less than sutiable. Keep up the good work. Only time will tell whether your MM will leave hun. Maybe you should give yourself some space and what will be will be. x
AlwaysSecond Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Just found this site, met my MM 30 years ago - he was 25 and I was 17. His excuse was his children. Five years later during a time we were not together, he divorced and married second W. Then I married someone I did not love at all. Next thing I knew, MM and I, both unhappily married, were on again. I divorced after 16 years and no children. This time his (MM) excuse was a small business his W would take from him. I moved on and married a great guy. A man I would never cheat on. MM emailed and called on ocassion. MM wrote me this March said he loved me, always had and had made a mistake. He wrote me in early May because of my birthday. Six days later he died of a sudden heart attack. He had arranged for someone from his work to let me know. We did not ask anything of eachother. The only request I recall is he long ago said he wanted me at his funeral. I did not go, it was not the right thing to do. I respect my H and I respect the MM's family too. I hurt. I cry. I grieve in silence. I always thought there was going to be that old age romance, a chance at long last. I waited 30 years for something that will never be. I loved him, loved him dearly. This time he left, but left us both.
TogetherForever Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Hmm...would love to know more! Hi JustMe, You can click on my screen name & then click on "show all threads started by TogetherForever". You can read my story there. Welcome to LS:)
TogetherForever Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Just found this site, met my MM 30 years ago - he was 25 and I was 17. His excuse was his children. Five years later during a time we were not together, he divorced and married second W. Then I married someone I did not love at all. Next thing I knew, MM and I, both unhappily married, were on again. I divorced after 16 years and no children. This time his (MM) excuse was a small business his W would take from him. I moved on and married a great guy. A man I would never cheat on. MM emailed and called on ocassion. MM wrote me this March said he loved me, always had and had made a mistake. He wrote me in early May because of my birthday. Six days later he died of a sudden heart attack. He had arranged for someone from his work to let me know. We did not ask anything of eachother. The only request I recall is he long ago said he wanted me at his funeral. I did not go, it was not the right thing to do. I respect my H and I respect the MM's family too. I hurt. I cry. I grieve in silence. I always thought there was going to be that old age romance, a chance at long last. I waited 30 years for something that will never be. I loved him, loved him dearly. This time he left, but left us both. ((((((((Hugs to you))))))))))))))
dignityback Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 If They Want To Leave Home, They Will Leave. The Kids Are An Excuse To Stay Safe And At Home. If They Are Prepared To Cheat On Their Wives And Kids And They Love The Ow They Will Leave And If They Don't, Then They Are Using You. Why Can't Some Ow Get That Into Their Thick Heads. A Cheap Piece Of Ass Nothing More Nothing Less.
Kenzo Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Just found this site, met my MM 30 years ago - he was 25 and I was 17. His excuse was his children. Five years later during a time we were not together, he divorced and married second W. Then I married someone I did not love at all. Next thing I knew, MM and I, both unhappily married, were on again. I divorced after 16 years and no children. This time his (MM) excuse was a small business his W would take from him. I moved on and married a great guy. A man I would never cheat on. MM emailed and called on ocassion. MM wrote me this March said he loved me, always had and had made a mistake. He wrote me in early May because of my birthday. Six days later he died of a sudden heart attack. He had arranged for someone from his work to let me know. We did not ask anything of eachother. The only request I recall is he long ago said he wanted me at his funeral. I did not go, it was not the right thing to do. I respect my H and I respect the MM's family too. I hurt. I cry. I grieve in silence. I always thought there was going to be that old age romance, a chance at long last. I waited 30 years for something that will never be. I loved him, loved him dearly. This time he left, but left us both. This made me cry...I am so so sorry!
frygirl Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 If They Want To Leave Home, They Will Leave. The Kids Are An Excuse To Stay Safe And At Home. If They Are Prepared To Cheat On Their Wives And Kids And They Love The Ow They Will Leave And If They Don't, Then They Are Using You. Why Can't Some Ow Get That Into Their Thick Heads. A Cheap Piece Of Ass Nothing More Nothing Less. how very constructive and helpful Yes, they some times do leave. More often they don't, but it really depends on each individual case. You can't lump all MM and all OW into the same category. Some As do eventually become real relationships. Not acknowledging that is a way of deflecting the fact that some times people who cheat and have affairs really do love the OW/OM. Its not always just about sex even though I am sure most BS would not want to acknowledge that. I'm not saying its good or right, but it is true.
silktricks Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Yes, of course some leave. You will only know if your mm will leave when it happens. As everyone else has said, though, you need to concentrate on resolving your own issues. Once they are resolved you may find that you are not as attracted to the mm as you think. It could be that some part of you is using him as a reason to remove yourself from an inpalatable situation. Just a thought
Lizzie60 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 If They Want To Leave Home, They Will Leave. The Kids Are An Excuse To Stay Safe And At Home. If They Are Prepared To Cheat On Their Wives And Kids And They Love The Ow They Will Leave And If They Don't, Then They Are Using You. Why Can't Some Ow Get That Into Their Thick Heads. A Cheap Piece Of Ass Nothing More Nothing Less. Have you ever thought that maybe the OW is also using the MM? Why is it always the MM that is using the OW...and not the other way around? I think that it is often the case, it is my case anyway...
Lizzie60 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 but most don't. I have to say that from reading your post, you (and your husband) are very mature, responsible parents... I always admire people that can handle their separation and putting the kids as their highest priority. It should always be like that. Good for you. Yes MM sometimes leaves, but what would really make me anxious is the fact that he will not be physically close to his son... this might be very hard for him... and kids are most of the time the reason why they don't leave. My biggest concern would be that he resents me in the end for having left his child. but again, it's hard to say...
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I think that it is often the case, it is my case anyway... Lizzie, you are the exception around here. I can't think of many OW who just continue to have casual sex with MM and use them. MOST of the OW who post here have genuine feelings and care about their MM. My biggest concern would be that he resents me in the end for having left his child. Yes, and that is why many MM will not leave their wives and their children because the "unknown" aka the OW. It isn't a sure bet, so they're scared to give up so much.
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