boyfriend's complacency, laziness bringing me down

[Aussie65]

Why is it OK for you to have the negative qualities you describe and yet you find his flaws so unattractive? One sign of a good woman is that she gives her man the consideration she expects to receive in return. I'd be very interested to read your BF's posted description of you

 

Mr. Lucky

 

well after all this is a place to come vent right?It is clear doit loves her man but she wants more and he doesnt seem to be meeting her halfway.I know too well from experience here what she is going through and it's really hard.I love my guy but his hobbies consist lately of eating and watching TV.A woman needs to feel she has more to life them just sitting around all weekend doing bugger all.The OP sounds like she is trying to give this relationship of hers a go only it's her man that seems to be compacent about things.If he has gained a lot of weight then maybe it is unattractive and most of all,a health issue.He seems to be able to make a night out with his mates but come weekend time he doesn't want to do anything.Doesn't seem to me like he is putting much of an effort in here.

[Mr. Lucky]

I understand but it seems to be a situation of her own design. She describes herself as "difficult" and she's estranged from family so she may be clinging to him a little too tightly. I don't ask my wife to meet or participate in meeting every one of my social or interpersonal needs - we do things together AND apart. Perhaps (as others have suggested), she needs to further develop the "apart" portion of their relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Aussie65]

I understand but it seems to be a situation of her own design. She describes herself as "difficult" and she's estranged from family so she may be clinging to him a little too tightly. I don't ask my wife to meet or participate in meeting every one of my social or interpersonal needs - we do things together AND apart. Perhaps (as others have suggested), she needs to further develop the "apart" portion of their relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I do think that seeing a guy only on weekends mostly for the last 5 years is hardly clingy.I would by that time have thought we would have been engaged or even married by then...that's my thoughts anyhow and if it's only weekends they get together then making it some nice good fun quality time together sounds like the right idea.He just has got lazy and slack...and if he can make it to the boys nights out then surely he can take his lady out too on weekends.Anyhow,that's my thoughts on this and am sure everyone has different views but I am pretty much going through similar now and am left wondering why and if I want to spend the next so many years like this too.

[katiebour]

Let's see:

 

You think this guy is lazy, fat, and unattractive, and the main reasons you stay with him are because you a) you don't want to start over in a relationship and b) you think it'd be hard for you to find another guy?

 

I haven't heard you say anything about LOVE.

 

And you don't expect to change your partner in a relationship. You love and accept them for who they are, help them to achieve the goals that they set for themselves, and compromise on issues that are important to both of you.

 

If he's not successful at losing weight, are you prepared to spend the rest of your life with him, just the way he is now?

 

If he doesn't like to go out, are you prepared to stay in with him or go out by yourself or with your friends, without him, for the rest of your life?

 

He should compromise with you on the going out thing. But you can't force anyone to do anything.

 

If you can't answer yes to those two above questions, then maybe you should consider either being by yourself or trying to find a relationship where you are not filled with resentment and fear. And maybe your boyfriend deserves to find a fellow homebody who will love him despite his weight.

 

You sound unhappy. Life's too short to live that way. Figure out a way to be happy, either with him, or without him.

[doiask42much]

I do love him. I should have said that. I guess in a way I feel silly for loving someone who is nothing like the type of guy I thought I'd end up with, and someone who did some terrible things to me in the past. (He has really turned his life around, but sometimes it's easier to focus on what you don't have than what you do have.) You know, you have a sort of list of things you think you want in a partner but life rarely turns out that way. Yes, I am sure he would have many things to say about me if you were to ask him, but it's not really in his nature to complain; he's a very copacetic kind of guy, which is a big part of his charm but sometimes he takes it too far in that he doesn't care about anything at all. I'm not even kidding. Even his guy friends think he's pretty, well, his roommate expressed a great deal of surprise that he even has a gf at all. (He is a bit lax with his grooming and hygiene and is the most untidy person I have ever met.) There is such a thing as being too laid back. As I said, we did speak vaguely of marriage, but I am pretty sure it would be more for me than for him and I don't know if I want that. We went in to Cartier the other day and I tried on two rings just for a laugh because we were dressed so ratty and I wondered if we would get thrown out but they did actually tolerate us. Just. Heh. We had a good laugh though. That's one big thing: we always laugh together a lot, even after all this time. He does seem to be trying to do things for me and I already feel better about stuff, but I wonder if it is just temporary and he will lapse back into being a couch potato. I am dragging him to a concert on Friday and we are seeing ANOTHER on Saturday (one is my choice, one his--we don't like much of the same music, surprise), so that will be a pretty active weekend for us both. Hopefully nothing goes awry. I tend to place a little too much pressure on events since they occur so rarely that sometimes we end up fighting because I'm being a stress case. I never mean to make it seem like everything is his fault, so I hope it didn't come across that way. I know Aussie knows where I'm coming from but the rest seem to not. I am simply trying to figure out whether I can stand a lifetime of how he is, assuming he doesn't change, which I don't expect he will. And that is a shame because I do love him and it seems like a weird reason to leave someone. I realize I need to be more direct and proactive about what I want before I make that decision. BTW, we used to live near each other and see each other daily. He just moved away in the last year or so for his job.

[doiask42much]

I didn't mean to say he was unattractive either, more just...his features are hidden in his coat of blubber. Heh. He's doing better at getting to a healthier weight but there are always ups and downs. I accept that he probably will never again look how he did when we met. I was also concerned about him having frequent heartburn and possible acid reflux, as this seemed to be happening because of his overeating and poor food choices, so it's not just that he's not handsome enough for me. It is true, though, that we put up with more s*** from people we find attractive. Maybe that doesn't sound very nice, but that's human nature. I've put up with things I shouldn't have just because a guy was "hot," just as guys have put up with my s*** because they liked the look of me. I know it's lame also, and this is immaturity and insecurity speaking, but I do sometimes feel like people are judging me, wondering why I'm with him. (Probably because I do this to others that appear mismatched.) I am pretty sure none of my friends get what I see in him. Of course, it shouldn't matter and I know that, but every now and then it rankles me just a little.

[djrdei]

This sounds like me and my GF. Sometimes i just feel like crashing and doing nothing and its a sin to her. But if she wants to do nothing its ok. I mjust really getting tired of her bi****** at me about everything. Like if we do go out she will end up b******* about the food or the places we go and so on. Then i have always had a love for cars so like today she was at my house and she was pissed about something between her mom and her so i was on my computer and i started watching a video about a new truck and she flipped out and left. Now if i am doing something on her car its ok but thats the only time its ok. Im just getting tired of her b*******.