The love of my life

[Rafa]

Thanks in advance for reading.

10 years ago I began a relationship with a girl who I now regard as the love of my life. We stayed together initially for about 4 years, throughout which I absolutely adored her. The relationship was very tough however, as our personalities are polar opposites. She is an extremely difficult person to get on with who thrives on arguments, shouting, screaming, and aggression. I on the other hand am extremely chilled out, affectionate, and I don't like fighting. Somehow though we found ourselves in love but eventually the arguments and our differences split us up. We remained apart and virtually out of touch for 2 years until a chance meeting brought us back together, and before we knew it we were dating again. That 2 year period apart had been horrible, it took me almost all of it to get over her and to come to terms with our separation. She said she had remained in love with me, and we went on to have the best year we had ever spent together. However after 2 years together, the arguments had returned with a vengeance and I was extremely unhappy again. I tried to leave her several times, and finally one night I somehow found the courage to leave her for the last time. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That was 2 years ago. Eventually I had a rebound girlfriend that lasted a few months, but I found myself constantly longing for my ex, so I finished with that relationship too. A few more lonely months went by, and then suddenly I met a wonderful girl, and decided to try my luck once again in the dating world. This brings me to the present day. I have been very guarded in this new relationship, opening up slowly but surely, gaining trust in the situation, and realizing that she is a great person to be with, and I have been lucky to find her. We haven't said "I love you", or made any commitments, it's been a few months now, but I do really like this new girl and we are happy. The trouble is, I still think of my ex girlfriend every day. I came across some photos of her recently and it brought me to tears when I thought about how much I miss her. There hasn't been a lot of contact between us since we split 2 years ago, and I know she has dated other men. She made me unhappy, but I loved her - and still do love her - with all my heart. My new girlfriend makes me really happy, and I probably will fall in love with her, but I wonder if I will ever stop longing for the girl whom I think of daily; the love of my life.

How do I move on? Why do I long for a girl that made me so unhappy?

Someone asked once on a TV show recently: "if you fight with the person you love again and again, when is it time to give up"?. The reply was "well if you love them - then never".

Did I make a mistake leaving my ex-girlfriend? Will I ever be able to put her behind me? ...and if so, then how?

[norajane]

No, you did not make a mistake leaving your ex. She was bad for you, you were bad together, and you were miserable.

 

Don't live your life based on TV platitudes. They aren't real.

 

Yes, you will put her behind you. When? When you accept that you weren't right for each other and made each other miserable, and there's no chance of you being together and actually not fighting. I don't know why you're so hooked on her, except she obviously had an impact...was the sexual chemistry THAT good that you were willing to overlook all the crap?

 

You haven't fully let go yet, and you are clinging to what was familiar. Actually, you are clinging to what your dream was of how good you two could be together if only you didn't fight. You aren't clinging to how things actually WERE between you, just your imagined dream of how it could be.

 

Now, you have two options. You could let your fantasy ruin your current relationship, and try to get the ex back, but you will likely end up miserable again. But hey, some people need to be shot dead between the eyes before they are ready to give up on a bad relationship.

 

Or, you could smile at your fonder memories, and move on and enjoy the woman you are with.

 

It's your life. You can choose how to live it.

[Rafa]

I don't know why you're so hooked on her, except she obviously had an impact...was the sexual chemistry THAT good that you were willing to overlook all the crap?

 

norajane, thankyou for your reply, it's helpful and inside I know you are right.

I'm not sure why I am so hooked on her but I can guess it is a combination of a few things.

Physically, yes, she is my perfect woman. She gets a lot of attention from men because of her looks and like the idiots we are, we let het get away with a lot because of it.

Secondly, I am from a different country, very far away from England. I have no family here at all, just my friends. In fact I have very little family anywhere, and the people who brought me up - my grandparents - have since passed away. To me over the years, a girlfriend, if she lasts a long time and we live together, can come to mean more to me than just a partner. She is like family to me, as she is the only person in my life with whom I share any kind of love, apart from my sister who lives very far away and I rarely see. My ex-girlfriend travelled with me and met my Grandparents before they passed on, and she also met my father, a man who I barely know and have only met 3 times. I feel she really understands me and has gotten to see parts of my life that no other girlfriend has, or will ever see again. I miss her not just as a lover, but I feel I have lost a member of my family, only this one is still alive and lives in the same city. Somewhere in my brain it just seems wrong that I do not see her and share times with her, although of course I know that in reality she is just an ex-girlfriend.

[doiask42much]

Rafa, I totally relate to what you're saying about your SO being like family. I was with a guy for six years and knew him for two more until he finally quit talking to me cold turkey without explanation. Even though we were long over and dating other people by then, I felt like a part of me died and I was inconsolable, as he was my best friend and family and the only person in this country, or in my life, that I had known that long who wasn't actual family. My father lives down under (I now live in the U.S.) and I see him almost never, and I am not close to any of my family who live here. Because I was shy and moved around a lot, I do not have any close friends I've kept over the years either. I did my new situation a lot of harm by crying and fretting over this ex, but luckily he stuck by me, though I probably didn't deserve it. I hope that you won't jeopardize yours by doing what I did. I feel a bit pathetic in saying that I'm only just now over him even though it was so long ago that we met (10 years also). Even though it seemed cruel at the time, the best thing he could do for me was to stop talking to me and even make me hate him so that I would not long for him or think of him fondly. Last year I discovered he was engaged (found his registry on Amazon because I like to torture myself) and that renewed the agony but in a way it finally put a nail in the coffin for me as well. No one really ever understood why I was so fixated on him, not even him, because they hadn't had the experience of being essentially alone in a foreign country. That and I never recalled being happy until we met, so I associated happiness with being with him, whether or not that was actually true. I was essentially a child when I met him, so I felt almost like I did not exist prior to then and that I ceased to exist when he refused to acknowledge me anymore. I know it must be hard knowing she is in the same city, but you are lucky to be with someone wonderful and have the chance to find happiness again, so try to focus on that. I know it's trite, but time really does heal all wounds. They say the rule of thumb is half the length of the relationship, so yes, it does take a long time. But it will happen, slowly but surely.

[doiask42much]

Oh yeah, you said there hasn't been a lot of contact since you split two years ago. There shouldn't be ANY. That is, unless you want the healing process to take longer. Trust me, I know from experience. I know you want to continue to have her in your life in some capacity but you'd be doing yourself a disservice.

[Rafa]

Thanks doiask42much for your reply, you definitely understand where I'm coming from.

...I felt like a part of me died and I was inconsolable, as he was my best friend and family...

That's pretty much it

I did my new situation a lot of harm by crying and fretting over this ex, but luckily he stuck by me, though I probably didn't deserve it. I hope that you won't jeopardize yours by doing what I did.

Well my new girlfriend has no idea that I am having these problems, obviously I'd never speak to her about these things, she just thinks things are cool.

Oh yeah, you said there hasn't been a lot of contact since you split two years ago. There shouldn't be ANY.

Well I've resisted really well so far. We haven't spoken since October when i had some moments of weakness and phoned her.

Since then all I've done is sent her a short friendly email on her birthday. My birthday is a few days later and she replied, quite friendly, but I left it at that.

 

I'm glad you got through your situation, thanks for the advice. It sometimes does seem like I'll feel like this forever. I was in a supermarket with a buddy the other day and he was approached by an ex of his mothers current partner. She still carried pictures of him around in her purse, it was so sad, I thought "wow, I hope I'm not like that in 10 years"!

[swl]

I know what you two are talking about like the back of my hand. I was in essentially the same type of relationship. I was with this girl when the last of my remaining parents had died and I thought everytime this girl breathed I would feel my mothers presense because my mother said this is who I was gonna marry.. (At the time she was sick with cancer) She just wanted to see me happy. I am still dealing with this 7 years later, the girl is married and still tells me she loves me.. I did everything right I left and didn't contact her after I broke up with the girl. Same rocky relationship.. Details vary but the punch line is still the same. Be happy you are with a new girl and make new memories. Know your not alone. I'm struggling with it as well. I've been with my girl for a year and a half now and she say's that the last time we had sex was like a year ago.. WHY because WE both have the same problem we are in lust with the past and two sentimental. Let's me and you leave that mess in the past and embrace our future. God put us here to succeed and not suffer.

 

Did you make a mistake NO.. How do you get past it..

 

Make a new start. Have a family with the new girl like I plan to do with mine and you will have the lost family you long for..

 

Check out my entry x girlfriend and now wants something.

 

PS I'm practising what I preach but, no one said it's suppose to be easy.

[Rafa]

Until now I haven't logged into this site since June 2007 when I first started this, my one and only thread.

 

I am still with the same girlfriend that i was with in june, so we've now been together over a year. It's a really great relationship, probably the best and most healthy relationship I have ever had. I am truly blessed to be with this girl and I love her a lot. We have great times, we never argue, and I seem to be more in love with her as the weeks and the months roll on.

 

Now for the weird bit. With very little contact having taken place between myself and my ex-girlfriend in the last 9 months - just birthday and new years eve messages - I can still say in all honesty that my ex-girlfriend still feels to me like the love of my life.

I still miss her - although not as much (slightly less), and I think about her sometimes and feel a little sad. I don't know what I would think if I saw her.

I must be crazy.

 

Things are so good now with my current girlfriend that I doubt I would ever be tempted again, but I just can't seem to shake off these feelings sometimes.

 

Is that a happy ending? I guess so. Maybe in another 9 months I'll miss her slightly less again.