ginamc10 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I have not ever posted here but I have read from time to time always looking for a situation similar to mine. The night we got together the first time was Christmas Eve 2006. I wasn't really interested but his personality was not to be ignored and he was gonna make sure I paid attention to him. We were at a bar and ended up together at a late night party. He ended up telling me I was taking him home and fell asleep waiting on me in my car. I wasn't sure where he lived but he quickly informed me he was going to my house not his. I liked his confidence I guess, plus I have always been a push over to a mischevious smile. Well, he just as quickly ended up in my bed and so the story goes... He was there until sometime in February. Every night. We had some really good times. I always enjoyed his company. But one problem, he was fighting an addiction problem. I was aware of his battle because over the month we talked alot about his battles and how he wanted more out of life. Then just like that he disappeared. He was back with his drug of choice. I could feel him slipping the last week or two because he was not coming over as early as he was in the beginning. Then the last few days before I didn't see him again, it seemed I was always waiting on him to show up and he was constantly doing oppisite of whatever it seemed to him I wanted him to do. He was gone for a little over a month, I guess and I missed him immensely. At first, I would send him text messages or sometimes call and he wouldn't answer. He had some of my things I wanted and really needed but that was usually what I used as an excuse to send him a message. Most of the time he didn't reply. It hurt. But it hurt really bad everytime I would reach out and get nothing back. Then one night out of the blue, he called. He told me he had been on a month long binge, which I figured anyway, and he wanted to come by sometime that week. He did end up coming back around the first week of March. He came back and gave me what I had been asking for, as far as my things, but told me he didn't want his things. He told me that wasn't why he came, he just wanted to talk to me and wondered if he could come stop by from time to time to see me again if he wanted. It told him okay and he was there every night again. He once again was fighting his addiction and trying to stay away from his "drug of choice" and anyone that made him even think of it. He told me things he had done while he was gone and I didn't even care. I was just happy to have him around again because I missed him so much. Just basic me info.: He is single, never been married, no kids. I am divorced, 2 kids and 4 years older than him. We were spending lots of time together, things were great as far as I was concerned. But I was at the stage of the relationship where I didn't want to assume we had plans but needed to know if we did so that I wouldn't be sitting around waiting to hear from him if he had other things to do. I have my kids 24/7 unless it is their dad's weekend and weekends are very important to me. So Friday night last weekend of April shows up. My kids are going to their dad's to spend the weekend and I still didn't know what his plans for us were. So during the day, he stops by to get something he had forgotten at my house. I ask him at this point what are we doing tonight. His reply was, I don't know what I am gonna do tonight yet. Well, I went on to explain to him I would not wait on him until 9:30 that evening and if he wanted to do something with me, he better tell me now and it better be before 7 or so, or I would be doing other things. When I got back from dropping the kids off at practice where their dad was to get them and pull into my drive, there he was, ready to go. We spent the whole weekend together. That Sunday, as we sat by the river and watched the sun go down, he made a comment about him napping almost all day and me not napping or bothering him. I told him I felt we were at a good medium at that point and I didn't feel like I had to be on top of him all the time and I was happy where our relationship was at the time. And I was. I never thought the next week would change everything. He ended up going home that Sunday night instead of staying with me like he had been almost every night since he returned. Then we got into this big arguement during the week about him saying he was coming and then telling me at 10:00 p.m. that he was gonna just stay at home. It made me mad because I felt like he should have told me earlier. It was a stupid fight, to me it was at a point in our relationship where we were letting each other know our likes and dislikes and kindof setting our boundarys. But he was mad and needed time. I wanted him to just get over it, he needed a couple of days. I couldn't understand why it would take a couple of days to want to see someone when I can get over a fight just like that. I was also scared to give him a couple of days because of my fear of him turning back to his drug while he was taking his break to clear his head. I ended up taking him all of his things I could find along with a note telling him I wasn't gonna wait on him the next day. I just couldn't go through wondering if he was abusing again. 2 days I knew would seem like forever, especially knowing what he had done while he was away the time before. Those things may have surcomed and we may have moved past it, but life got in the way and here's the rest of the story. One of his good friends, who also was battling the same addiction as he, lost his girlfriend in a car accident the same week we were going through our relationship problems. His friend lives a couple of miles from me and I pass his house several times daily. I am also friends with this guy and have known him all of his life. I was the one to call my boyfriend or ex now as I guess I should say to tell him the news. He had come upon the accident while driving and already knew it when I called. So this starts where I am now. Since then, I have spent some time on and off with my ex. He unfortunately has moved in with the friend that lost his girlfriend in the accident and also told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I know they both mess around with this drug but are trying to stay clean enough to go undetected I guess. It is so hard, I have only slept with him once since we actually called "us" off and I think that was because I ignored him at a bar one night. We were both at a the lake which is a couple of hours away from where we live and he showed up where I was. This was not to see me because it is pretty much the only place people go. I happened to be on the dance floor with some of my girlfriends, having a great time when he walked in. I saw him while I was dancing, he didn't know that I had seen him. So I just turned my back and stayed out there for about 15 more minutes before I decided to leave the dance floor. I went to get a drink, gave him a hug and asked how long he had been there. Short conversation, to the point. I sat down by his now roommate and talked to him for awhile while he was at another table talking. He started doing goofy things like throwing ice at me. I just laughed at him and keep about my business. When I left I never told him bye. By the next afternoon, I was getting text from him and his roommate wanting me to come hang out with them for my ex's birthday. This I did, that Sunday night and ended up staying with my ex at his cabin until Tuesday. We were only together once that weekend and the remainder of the time, I treated him pretty much the same as I was treating his friend. Like a friend only, nothing more. Now that we are home, it has been really hard. I have gotten impatient and sent him text messages which he never replies to most of the time. I usually don't do this until I have been drinking. I have been around his friend some and even spent the night at their house recently but not in the right room. I was gonna sleep on the couch and when they both went to bed I left and came back a few hours later knocking on the door. His roommate answered and told me to come in. He told me to come in his room because he didin't have any blankets and sleep with him. His friend told me that he told my ex I slept on the couch. I decided not to drink this week because I don't want to do anymore stupid stuff. I have sent him plenty of drunk text over the weekend and sent him one today apologizing for all of them. It seems lately, when I do see him I am constantly saying I am sorry for some stupid thing I have done. He always reassures me that he has done worse and not to worry about it. Today his response was "don't worry about it, **** happens. I feel so out of control. I have to pass his damn house now every day. Of course I think about him most of the day because he is so in my world now. He hangs with some of my friends. We are always running in to each other and no it isn't because I am trying. I want to do the no contact **** but it is nearly impossible. The freaking store I go to everyday for the past 15 years is right next door to where he lives. He is in my territory. He doesn't want me. I know he has issues, but I have yet to meet anyone who doesn't. I would be committed with him right now if he asked. I have never connected with anyone in my life like I did him but it's a huge wall there now. I would have to go out of my way just not to even go where he is now. It is really making it so complicated since I am so crazy about him. But I am not drinking a drop this week to keep from reaching out to him to only be rejected again. I am gonna avoid him at all cost, but what do you do when they invade your territory. I hate even going into the store now because I am scared he will think I am trying to ck up on him. Somebody please tell me what the crap to do about NC in this situation or else what the hell I can do to make this ******* fall madly in love with me so we don't have to worry about the b/s issues anymore????
passionpeach Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 You are facing a really tough decision but I am sure that you can get past that as long as you will be sincere to yourself and to the guy. Just make your intentions as clear as possible. Do not be so eager to please him lest you end up frustrating him by showing the not so real you. All people get turned on with sincerity. At the same time, do not expect to much so that you will not end up devastated in case things do not turn out the way you want them to. Be friends with him and be a really good friend. Do not rush things. Just take it slow.
Author ginamc10 Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 I had a peace come over me sometime in the wee hours of the morning. I had fallen asleep in the recliner and when I moved to my bed it was about 2:00 a.m. I couldn't sleep, so of course I laid in the bed and just thought. It occurred to me that this isn't my first rodeo of thinking I love someone and wondering what was gonna happen next. I have been married, divorced, in a few long term relationships along my life. Each time, when I broke up with someone, including my husband, I was true to my heart. When it was over for me it was over. That was when I was doing the breaking up. I didn't want to look back and if they groveled over me, it only made me know I had made the right decision. When someone left me, then I was the one groveling and worrying what I had done wrong and if there was anything I could do to win this person back because I didn't feel done with them yet. It has lead me on some long roads of hanging on and not getting on with my life. Being preoccupied with thoughts of whoever it may be at the time and even affected my life as far as interest in my children and basically functioning from a day to day basis. Then I realized, I made it through it all. Eventually someone else would come along and take away that pain left behind and I would be equally as happy as I was before. Some of these people will always hold speacial places in my heart and I will always care for them. But I am glad life lead me away and in a different direction. Then it occured to me, that if I don't take the lessons learned from each of these relationships and apply it to my life now then what good did they do. So, it was like a light turned on. I am not gonna worry about this situation anymore. I prayed about it and I just decided to leave it up to the big man above. He knows my heart and what I need. I have survived a few heartbreaks and I can survive this one also. I am not gonna worry about what is gonna happen today, tomorrow, next week, next year. I will one day find that person who loves me and I love that will spend the rest of my life with me. While I was having it out with the "big man above", it came to me that all the worrying I had done in the past, all the pining for just a glimpse of the person or waiting and wondering if I would hear from them or if they even cared at all, didn't help a thing. Time still went on and whatever the outcome, my worrying, crying, calling to keep in touch, playing the game, none of it changed a thing. This is the lesson I had to learn from each of these dead-ends. What good did any of it do? None. I am still here. I moved on as they did and life went on. I spent way too much time in the past worrying and I am just not gonna do it any more. This totally put a whole new twist on the NC thing. Why do I want to put myself out there for this guy and keep him on my mind constantly and let it comsume me when I probably haven't even crossed his mind today. I don't want that. The one I want will never put me through this. He won't desert me and I won't have to play the games. He is somewhere, he exist, i just haven't found him yet. I am not gonna worry about going down the road past my ex's house anymore. I have traveled that road everyday for most of my life. What if I pass his house 3 times today and he sees me. So what!! I am no longer gonna worry if I will hear from him or see him. Why should I? Is it gonna make a difference if I sit here thinking about it all day. No. I can assure you he is not spending his day consumed with me. It is a freedom that was given to me last night that I needed so badly. A calm. I have someone much bigger than me looking out for me so I don't have to worry about this anymore. No more wasted days consumed with what ifs and what did I do wrong. It is a very refreshing feeling almost like stepping out into a new horizon and knowing I will find my destination and all the worrying in the world isn't gonna get me there any faster. In fact, it will only slow me down. God has lead me this far. I have had a good life and spent way too much time since my divorce looking for that something to complete me and my kids. My kids have went through alot of their life seeing me almost incapiable of day to day functions all because of a man. No more!! They are growing up. In ten years my oldest will be 22 and my youngest 20. I have put them on the back burner way too many times just because of dead-end relationships, broken hearts and depression over all of it. None of it done me any good and I only missed out on enjoying seeing them grow. I was with them in body, but my mind was always consumed. No more!! And this feels awsome!! Good luck to all the broken hearts out there. It does hurt when things aren't the way we want them. We grieve, we consume ourselves, time steps in and years pass and when we look back, most of us see that all of the bad times were for the best and if we have something good in our life when we look back, we realize that it was the only way. Stepping stones to get us where we need to be. SO LET IT GO!! LIVE LIFE AND ENJOY THE RIDE. I let it go last night and I have complete faith I will end up where I am supposed to be. Good luck to all of you!
funkybassplayer Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 great words, and you reflect on my ex with her kids and what i was trying to do for them, only for another man to walk into my shoes a week after we split up! all the stress and looking after her of being part of her family, and the caring i put in to them ment nothing to her in the end. I know that by how i was treated. I have been sitting here waiting to hear from her, but never. I sent all her stuff back today and i felt sad and happy in that i took the move to return the stuff without hoping for the contact from her to do it, but i am also having to let go of 4 very special people her and 3 kids that only 8 weeks ago were hard in my life. Whatever i am to her now, i loved them all and still do very much, but trying and hoping will not do anything. Flashbacks of us all together and her smile that haunts me at the moment, getting up with them, making the kids brekfast, its all a dream now as i wake on my own with a cat! someone else is there with her now, doing what i did for her. im trying to move forward but i see them with a mad realisim. I hope that the man upstairs will soon take these visions from my day to day life. To her im nothing history, to me she and her family have changed my life.
Author ginamc10 Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 I have not prayed in a long time to last night. I talked, I cried and thought. I have been so tired of waiting for the "one". So tired of starting and stopping in relationships. So tired of waiting to feel complete. All the worrying in the world did me no good. Let it go if you can funkybassplayer. There will be something down the road you can use what you learned from the past to make your life a happier place. Good luck, I wish you the best and also for you to have peace in your heart.
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