phaedrus069 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I'm splitting this into two posts, this one tells what happened in the past day, and the next one contains the questions I have and would really appreciate comments on, I need to feel like I did the honorable and correct thing. I've posted here a couple of pages back about my breakup with my girlfriend of two years. The breakup was sudden despite there having been doubts in the past. I'd been fighting the fear that, in part, our sudden breakup was due to the 43 year old man (she's 24) that lives in the apartment downstairs. Her reasons for the breakup made sense, but they never fit with how she was behaving prior to the breakup (happy, talking on the phone, saying how much she missed me during my two-week work trip). She had two boyfriends in the past and in all of her past relationships had overlapped. Sleeping with one, and kissing the other (me) prior to the end of the relationship. At the start of the relationship I had feared she'd do the same to me, but I was very in love and she constantly told me that she felt the same. I'd been suspicious because she had gone out to dinner with the downstairs guy the night before she was supposed to fly out and see me for a vacation. She didn't call, but I wasn't that worried at the time. She seemed very cool (which has happened in the past when we've spent time apart and we had always been able to spark things back up) and eventually that led to us talking and her breaking up with me. She had told me on the vacation that she had a mini-crush on someone else, I asked her if I knew the person (because we constantly talked I figured I would know who it was). She told me it wasn't anyone I knew. I took her word for it. After we broke up, and I was starting to pick at threads to understand what happened I asked her if she had kissed anyone else or if the crush she had was on the downstairs guy. She said no to both and again I accepted that. She told me it was completely due to her feelings about the relationship and that she did not want to see anyone else for a long time, she needed time to be single. For a better description see my previous thread, but two days after we broke up I came home late to find her car in it's spot, but her not at home. I had reasons to suspect that she might be downstairs. I stayed, the anxiety built, and finally I crashed. The next morning she came back early. I asked her if she had slept downstairs, she said no. She'd been staying with friends. I felt like a paranoid loser for overreacting. I ended up talking with the downstairs guy for a couple of hours the next day, drinking beer and trying to purge my feelings of guilt by reaching out and being nice. I even bought him some replacement beer and told her to give it to him while I was gone out of thanks for the couple he'd given me. I left for a week to see my friends. When I came back down, same story car there, ex not. Again I suspected that she might be staying downstairs, but reigned in my "paranoia" and went to sleep. That put's us at yesterday, the money shot of this story. She had a softball game and legitimately didn't come back till 10:30 since someone was injured and the game was delayed. She left to get the mail with the dog, and came back asking if it was alright if she took the dog to hang out downstairs, since it was "her's". I said ok, I figured I might as well be nice. I'll admit, it'd suppressed most of my paranoia about something going on but I was still upset by this. I left for the grocery store to pickup a bottle of wine to help me unwind. When I came back I decided to park furthere away and walk on the lawn by his open patio door. I figured, hey one more shot to see that nothing is going on, then you can trust all of the things she told me. Good choice...wrong conclusion. She was sitting on the couch with her legs on top of his, cuddling. I noticed this in my peripheral vision and didn't react. I walked upstairs, put down the wine, grabbed a cigarette, and walked down to confront her. I politely knocked on the door, said hi to the neighbor (by name) and asked to speak with her. She was still sitting in the position I saw her in. They untangled and she came out. Here's how the conversation went, my next post deals with what was said and I'd like as much feedback as possible. Me: "So...is there anything that you would like to tell me?" Her: "No. Is there anything you want to ask?" Me: "Only what I've asked you before. Was it really some other guy that you had the crush on?" Her: "Yes" Me: "When did things start with him?" Her: "That's none of your business, it happened after we broke up." Me: "Did you lie to me when you told me that you were going out with friends?" Her: "Was it while we were together?" Me: "No" Her: "That's none of your business, it happened after we broke up." Me: "It would help me with closure, I want to know what really happened." Her: "That's none of your business, it happened after we broke up." Me: "I think that's fair to ask?" Her: "Fine, it just happened there's your closure, now you can go back to Maine" Me: "I don't really think I want to, I think I might like living here" Her: "Why, you don't like your job and you don't like beach" Me: "I can get a new job, and there's more here than a beach. Do you want me to go?" Her: "Yes, I never really want to see you again. I might as well tell the truth." Me: "Can I still see our dog (who I really loved)" Her: "Maybe" Me: "Meaning no right..." Her: "Look just hit me if your going to do, or whatever" Slightly taken aback since I hadn't raised my voice and was extremely calm to the point it was ulmost unhealthy. I think it was a bad joke. Me: "Look I'm being civil, I would never hit you. You should know I'm not that type of person." Her: Kind of laughing "Yeah" Me: "I have a couple of more questions" Her: "Is it about when we were together? Anything after is none of your business" Me: "Yes, the night that you went out with him, the day before you came to see me, when you got really drunk and hung out with him...Did you sleep in his apartment." Her: "No" Me: "Then, on that night, did you kiss him?" She looked up and to her right, I could almost see her thinking how to answer it and the told me it was none of my business we had ended black and white. I went back upstairs. See the next post for my questions, again I'd appreciate any feedback.
Author phaedrus069 Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 The other thing she said before I left is that she couldn't ever be my friend after the questions I'd asked. That it was none of my business and she acted like I was a jerk for wanting to know. I think I acted fairly, I was nice, accepted her answers and moved on to the next question. I think I have the right to know that I'd been lied to, and that know what she'd been hiding from me to put the whole thing in perspective. If this was two months from the breakup, I'd agree with her. But if I'm right, she was sleeping with this other person only days after we broke up. Or even that she might have jumped, like she's done in the past to a new infatuation once I wasn't there to provide her with affection, and that's would fully expain what happened. At least better than anything she's told me. So here you go 1) Women who have moved on to other men: Would you lie to your ex if you started seeing someone that close (literaly)? I can see doing that to protect them. Would you refuse to tell them what had happened if they behaved as I did? 2) Was it really that rude or insensitive to ask what I did? The answers, which she didn't give me but her refusal to speak kind of did, were what I needed for closure. 3) Did I have a right to know? I believe in doing the right thing whenever possible, and was suprised by her reaction. I'd like to hear other's thoughts about it. It would help me feel like I behaved honorably, and can hold my head up high.
Star Gazer Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 1) Lie? No. I'd most likely refuse to tell him about anything that happened after we broke up though. However, all the stuff DURING our relationship he has a right to know about, IMO. 2) Rude or insensitive? Nah. Nosy, yes. The after-the-breakup stuff really is none-of-your-business. That said, I totally understand why you wanted to know. The easiest way to obtain closure - IME - is to know there was cheating involved. That makes it dunzo for me. 3) Pre-breakup, yes. Post-breakup, no.
Author phaedrus069 Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Star Gazer Thanks for the response, I'd asked friends the same questions, but it's hard to get an objective answer from them. Good friends tell you what they think you want to hear more often than not. I probably was too nosy in asking for details about the post-breakup but I'd seen her lie so much in the past two weeks I just wanted the truth. The only questions that really mattered to me was whether or not she kissed him when we were together and whether or not he was the one she had said she had a crush on. She refused to answer the first, and lied about the second even after I saw them together and found out otherwise. We have a mutual female friend from college, I introduced them and they've stayed in close contact. She called me since another friend of ours had told her what I'd found out. She'd wanted to tell me that my ex had sent her an e-mail telling her that things how excited she was to be with this other guy and that she'd had a crush on him that started when I was out of town and we were still together. I didn't ask anything else, like you said it's not really any of my business but thanked her for telling me. I'm just angry she lied to me during the breakup and said it was because she needed to be single and didn't want to be with anyone else for a long time. I'm angry that she told me she wanted to go out with him that night because she was tired of sitting in our apartment by herself. I told her I loved and trusted her, told her to have fun. **Sigh**
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