goodgirl26 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for 2 years. I care about him and his son. His son is young and I"ve been in his life (as his dad's friend) since he was 2 years old. Alot of the reasons I come back to my boyfriend have to do with his son. Right now we are on try #3. We just back together about a month ago and my boyfriend is acting in ways I don't appreciate. We tried and tried to work out our problems but it seems we are stuck. I am going away for four days for a work conference. So we are trying to spend a lot of time together before I leave. His son was at his brother's house so we went to the park to walk around. I was so happy to see him and wanted to spend as much time as possible with him. Well until we started talking. He started complaining that he feels he can't enjoy himself and go out with his friends to the bar. I have asked him to avoid ONE bar because this girl that he had lied to me about often hangs out there. He says he feels "it is hanging over his head" that if he goes out he might "wake up single the next day" because I will get upset with him. I have never forbid him to go out, I just say I'm more comfortable if he doesn't. This stems from the fact that I've been cheated on in the past with boyfriends going out to bars with their friends and hooking up with other women when drunk. My boyfriend has never done this and I used to trust him going out but then I found out he met a girl at the bar and he lied to me about talking to her (they were hanging out and calling eachother for about a month behind my back) Nothing else happened but their was no reason for the secrecy. so if he feels uncomfortable going out with friends now that is HIS fault not mine. So yesterday he starts b*tching at me about not spending enough time with him. I am going to miss his son's birthday party (his actual birthday isn't till next weekend) because I have to go to this work conference. I have no choice, its either go or get into trouble over missing it. I've made plans to take his son out for his actual birthday but it seems thats not good enough for my boyfriend. He wanted to know what sacrifices I make for our relationship because he feels he makes all the sacrafices? He said he makes his son mad and spends less time with him because he wants to spend time alone with me. Well I've always made an effort to include his son in things. For example last week my boyfriend took his son to his mom's becasue he wanted to spend some "alone time" with me. Fine. That was fun and all but I even told him if his son didn't want to go to his mom's the three of us could go out to eat instead. But my boyfriend wanted to have sex so he took his son to his mom's. Again, not my fault, this is a CHOICE my boyfriend made. So basically he is blaming me because he can't spend time with his son because he wants to be alone with me. Well thats not my fault, thats something HE wants. its not like I"m asking or twisting his arm. He also brought up the part about not hanging out with his friends. Well the stories he tells me about his friends (and just told me yesterday as a matter of fact) include his single friends and married friends all going to parties and hooking up with random women. So hmm.. wonder why I don't approve of him going out with those friends? I told him if he doesn't think I give up enough to be with him or that things aren't fair then leave. He is the one who lied to me about the girl he was talking to and I feel he "owes" it to me to make it up to me by being as trustworthy as possible and if that includes not going to bars (this is something he agreed to when we got back together) then thats just something he'll have to accept or get out. I feel bad thinking this way but why would someone who has done something wrong (by lying to me) suddenly start demanding that I'm the one whose not doing enough in the relationship?
frygirl Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Ok ... I am not in any way saying that you have a right to be upset about him talking to girl and hiding it from you. Obviously it was a major issue and you two eventually broke up. But it seems he is now feeling trapped and stiffled by the conidtions he agreed to in order to get you back. And to be honest I can understand why. If I was not allowed to hang out with my friends or have to option to go to a bar I would feel as though I was sacrificng too much too. You may not like them, but they are his friends and you have bascially told him he has to drop them in order to be with you. Resentments are bound to build up. Now as I said earlier I am not saying you don't have a right to not approve of his past behavior with another girl, but at this point you really need to ask yourself if because of that one mistake you can no longer trust him. If you can't trust him to go out with out feeling that he is probably going to hook up with other woman, than perhaps this realtionship isn't right for you. If you don't have trust than it is not worth it. He is already telling you that he is not OK with these restictions and eventually he will rebel. Now this is something you might want to think about. Do you really want to be with a man that is only faithful to you because you won't let him go out with his friends or to a bar? You need to really think about how much faith you have in him and the relationship. If you really think you have to put a leash on a guy to keep him faithful then he just isn't worth it.
Author goodgirl26 Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 No, I don't forbid him from going out with his friends, I just prefer that he not go to one certain bar. There are tons of other bars to choose from. It just happens to be his one friend's favorite bar and the one he normally wants to go to. It bothers me in general when he goes out to any bar but I don't say anything. So he can be with his friends and I don't care but I don't think he is any position to start demanding that I sacrifice anything for him. I'm not sure what he wants me to sacrifice but he seems to be resenting me for things that are his own choices!! I mean he's saying that its a sacrifice for him to not spend time with his son to be alone with me. Well my solution to that is that we dont' have to have sex, we can just do activities that include his son. Or we can just be alone every other weekend (when his son's mother has him). but thats not good enough for him but yet he still wants to use that against me! I do have every right to be upset with him for lying to me. He knew other guys in my past had cheated and that being cheated on was my biggest fear in a relationship. So with that knowledge he goes and meets a girl and starts what could have been an emotional affair with her. He totally hid his friendship with her from me. If I did that with a guy he'd never trust me again!! So I think he is the one who needs to make the sacrifices (not going to ONE certain bar) and giving me some time and space to get over his lying.
frygirl Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I think he is being ridiculous about complaining about you having to go out of town. You shouldn't feel bad at all about having to leave town for your job and it is not your fault being "alone with you" means he can't have his son there to. His reasoning isn't rational and I suspect he knows that deep down. I think his complaints are just a way of him voicing his frustrations over the restraints you have put on him. And even though you have not forbidden him from going to other bars or being with his friends you have made it known you don't like it and he knows it will cause problems if he does so. His complaints about you not making sacrfices are really about him feeling as though he is making too many. Now I do feel it would be a disservice to you if some one here doesn't point out that you can't hold him responsible for what other men have done to you. If you have trust issues than that is something you need to deal with and not punish him for. Although he withheld infromation about a friendship with you in the past (perhaps because he knew it would upset you), you have to ackwoledge that he did not cheat on you like your past boyfriends have. I've been burned by men int he past as well, but I make a solid effort to not make the men I date now pay for the mistakes of others.
jcster Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I hate to say this, but your boyfriend sounds like a loser. He takes no responsibility for his decisions, instead he puts the onus on you. He's also attempting to use his son to emotionally manipulate you. You've tried 3 times in the last 2 years to make a relationship work with him - and it sounds like it's going to be "3 and out." I understand that you are attached to his son, but I certainly wouldn't waste any more time with this guy - he will suck you dry.
Author goodgirl26 Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 [ Now I do feel it would be a disservice to you if some one here doesn't point out that you can't hold him responsible for what other men have done to you. If you have trust issues than that is something you need to deal with and not punish him for. Although he withheld infromation about a friendship with you in the past (perhaps because he knew it would upset you), you have to ackwoledge that he did not cheat on you like your past boyfriends have. I've been burned by men int he past as well, but I make a solid effort to not make the men I date now pay for the mistakes of others. I don't hold him responsible for what others have done to me. But my feelings are that he knew about what had happened to me in the past and he knew that the one thing I feared was being lied to and cheated on. That said, he betrayed my trust and continually lied to me and made up stories and kept information to himself about this other woman. He had met her at the bar (didn't tell her he had a girlfriend!) and was seeing her and talking to her (on the phone) behind my back. I never met her, he never mentioned her to me. Nothing. He says that nothing physical happened and I cant prove that it did. The girl says nothing happened but I guess I'll never know. He even had his son not mention this girl and the time they spent with her. He told me so many lies about the situation. He told me he didnt' know where she lived and that she'd never been to his house. Well I asked his son and he said he adn his dad had gone to her house several times! That is when I broke up with him. We were apart for several months and we ended up talking again and worked things out. I have no proof he cheated on me but he did the next worse thing- lied and hid things from me. So his "restrictions" are just a consequence of his own actions. I don't tell him he's not allowed to go out with friends or to the bar. but he doesn't feel comfortable and is afraid to lose me if he does do these things so he feels he has to sit at home all the time. Interesting that he feels he has to "sacrifice" time with his son to spend alone time with me, then wouldn't it be a sacrifice to not spend time with his son and go out with friends? I've about had it with him and this nonsense. I love his son but just don't know if this relationship is worth holding onto.
frygirl Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 We were apart for several months and we ended up talking again and worked things out. I have no proof he cheated on me but he did the next worse thing- lied and hid things from me. So his "restrictions" are just a consequence of his own actions. I don't tell him he's not allowed to go out with friends or to the bar. but he doesn't feel comfortable and is afraid to lose me if he does do these things so he feels he has to sit at home all the time. Interesting that he feels he has to "sacrifice" time with his son to spend alone time with me, then wouldn't it be a sacrifice to not spend time with his son and go out with friends? I've about had it with him and this nonsense. I love his son but just don't know if this relationship is worth holding onto. It doesn't sound like this realtionship is working for either of you. He betrayed your trust and it doesn't seem that that is some thing the two of you will able to get back. I know it is hard to end a realtionship when a child is involved. Even though you love his son, it doesn't sound like he is the right man for you. I dated a guy for about a year with two kids and when the relationship ended I made a point of staying friends becasue I didn' want to just disappear from their lives. His daughter once said to me, "You aren't going to be my mom, are you?" I told her, " I don' have to be your mom to love you." The guy had treated me bad, but his kids were important to me, so I mantained a strained friendship at first but in time it grew easier and we are now genuinely friends. If his son really is that imporant to you, you may want to take that kind of approach. But don't stay in the realtionship out of some sort of feeling of obligation.
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