accountnata Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I met a gal, Im 27 she is 24. We both fell in love with eachother instantly. We moved in together right away, talking about marriage, kids, all that good stuff, even got her name tattooed on me. We have been together for 2 months, I am a pisces personality to a "T" and she is a scorpio personality to a "T" and I am sure anyone who has dealt with the head strong Scorpio personality knows what I mean. She is an extremely good looking gal, could have any guy she wanted, very head strong, conceded, my way or the highway kind of atitude and a man hater. She has told me many times shes in love with me and the first month and a half was great. We had sex a lot, she showed me a lot of affection, and she seemed very into me. Now that some time has passed she seems to not be growing distant but not as frequent in showing her affection. She is a very stressful person and does not handle stress well, has a flaring temper and can be very spiteful. Sure these are not qualities I prefer but there are other qualities I adore in her and I do love her. We have talked about why she has not be as frequent with affection and sex and she states it is because of the stress she has to deal with; she runs a daycare out of her home, she has just not been in the mood. I completely understand how stressful that can be and especially being stuck in your home working where you also live, you dont feel you get any break. My problem is I am seeing this as her losing feelings for me, I am not feeling wanted or needed, and I am sure most of us guys like to feel wanted. When I have encountered feeling that she is not showing me any affection I may respond with frustration or try to make her feel the way I do by not giving her any affection, which always backfires and I know is not the right thing to do. She is a very powerful woman, she would have no problem dropping me and moving on despite how much she says she is in love with me and she has told me this. It always seems to be about her and how she is made to feel and what angers her. There isnt much consideration for how I may be feeling. However, I dont take this too personally because she treats everyone this way equally, so I know it is just part of her personality. I have trouble accepting and being secure with someone like this, especially being that I am a very loyal and affectionate guy, I do stupid guy things sometimes and my thinking doesnt always come out to the right words, but my intentions toward her are always heart founded. She has told me there is no room for BS in her life and will not put up with it at all. I feel very insecure not knowing that there is some leanency and understanding in the relationship. Part of this is mysterious and keeps me on my toes and keeps the relationship interesting. But sometimes I feel like I am walking on egg shells, trying not to make too much noise and awake the anger. We have a lot in common and are a great match, but I am left questioning myself, am I the one who is too insecure? or is she the one who has issues with relationships? She tells me that she trusts no man and that they are all the same, despite myself being an obviously different breed of man. She has had a couple of very bad relationships and seems to carry that resentmeent on through our relationship, which is not fair, but again thats just too bad for me, her way or the highway. I gues it could come down to her resentment issues and anger and stress management problems, I really love her despite those issues, but is this something that will later destroy our relationship? When she is happy and things are going well it is all gravy, she may get a lil irritated with me at times but for the most part is loving and affectionate. Obviously scorpios are a little more into themselves than pisces, as I am very considerate of other peoples feelings over my own; that being said the opposing personalities does play a part in the attraction. To make matters more complicated, she has a son and I have a son hers is 3 and mine is 4. She is a very protective mother and very attached to her son, he has her wrapped around his finger. My son is pretty well behaved but just like any 4 year old boy, he acts up and argues with you and has tempers. Of which she points out to me saying my son has problems. Her son has just as many as mine but only she can discipline him and she makes him out to not have as many issues as mine. I understand when kids are involved it can be even more difficult, but never expected this, we have differing views of caring for children, she spoils and bends to her childrens needs and wants, and I take the role of a parent who does not always bend or spoil. Anyway, it is a complicated situation, but we both love eachother, hers is just not as unconditional as mine. Should I take a hike before it gets too serious and we have a child together and I really get screwed? Thanks in advance
stace79 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 There is a book actually called "Walking on eggshells" that my counselor recommended to me....I haven't read it yet, but thought I'd pass along the title. Do you want to be with someone who always makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells? That sounds awful to me. That's the best part of having REAL love -- that person loves you unconditionally, even if you do stupid things once in awhile (as long as that's not like verbal or physical abuse or cheating or something). It sounds to me like she wants what she wants, and to hell with what you want. That's not a good relationship, now is it?
InsanityImpaired Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Personalities differ. That can give rise to the occasional miscommunication, but it seems the situation is much more complicated than just that. Her issues seem to be quite serious. And if they are not resolved, they are likely to get much worse. If you already feel you are walking on eggshells, that is definitely a sign things should change in the relationship. She does not take responsibility for her actions. Blanket statements about men and the "my way or the highway" attitude leave you wondering what she is thinking of you. And whether you really do matter to her. The children could be another source of conflict. The only thing I can suggest is that the two of you sit down and talk, in order to deal with the issues. If she is unwilling to do that, or to seriously address these issues a break-up may be in place.
Author accountnata Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 It really comes down to her thinking her $hit don't stink. Shes a very attractive gal, can get what she wants with that and always has, that leaves you to a disillusioned almost narcicistict personality. Almost like a spoiled child with the adult means to cause damage, very dangerous combination. Can I handle that? Well yeah, I have a very strong personality, sure us pisces may let you think you are walking all over us and got you where you want us, but no, we know what we are doing. It almost seems we are both fighting for control, to wear the pants, to be in a position where we are the one that would be lest hurt if something were to happen. I believe she puts on a front for the mindstate that she holds, someone of that perplexing personality is held up by fragile states of mind. Don't get me wrong I am not gonna give up on her, there is a very real almost mystical bond between us despite the personality issues. However, she is not submissive in any way or even accepting of equality. Submissive relationships can be secure for the one who is not sumbissive but there is also the submissive person always wondering and jealous. I almost feel she wants me to take that role, either for her own security or need of control of others. I believe it is both, especially in knowing she runs a daycare, she is her own boss, no one to tell her what to do, and she has control of submissive individuals. The only problem with that is I submiss to no one and especially being a man it is hard to think of yourself as whipped or in the control of a woman. Not that I think man should be in control, but rather equal control. Either way, I dont see myself getting too upset over losing her, it would be a bummer, but I have been hurt enough that its not my first rodeo. If anything I am very perplexed by this gal and very interested in figuring her out, maybe I can make an impression on her and can show her there is a lil more to life than just her.
oppath Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Hate to rain on your parade, but two months?!? You moved in together after dating someone for less than two months, and you both have kids? Are the kids living there too? You don't know her well enough to be in love. Love is what you feel after lust has diminished and after you've seen someone handle all sorts of stresses. It's what remains when both of you have gone through bad times and emerged on the other side. I doubt either of you are truly in love. You don't know each other yet. You moved too fast, and now that things have slightly changed, it's trying on your emotions. This is what happens when things move fast. The smallest deviation from behavior is catastrophized.
Lucky555 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I think in order to be in love with someone, it develops over time. Initially there is the lust then the passion, then actual "in love" You are now seeing that she is not perfect and that there are going to be issues. How can you build a future with another without first building the foundation.Its sounds like you are in the early stages of your companionship. Yes in every relationship there are ups and downs. she gets stressed you say, offer her a massage! Do something nice for her to relax and i am sure you will be rewarded. Stand by her because she sounds like a hard working woman. Another thing is its sounds like shes independent which is great because she can take care of herself. This is where she gets the no bs from anyone which is actually good a quality to have. You are walking on eggshells, listen tell her your not perfect and if there is something that upsets her that she can always confide in you. Make sure you try to have an open mind and be calm. Yeah your wrapped up in her alright cuz you think shes just wonderful, good. SHE LOVES YOU! remember that your really a lucky guy, and i know love can't solve all the problems but there is ways to get around those obstacles if you and her are willing to try and both want to continue. Don't RUN, TALK ABOUT IT! Running will never give you closure and you will miss her and she might not take you back. You have got this girl because you put effort in now effort is going to sustain the relationship. So dont freak out at all, talk to her, COMMUNICATION!!! Tell her how you feel. Alot of guys dont do this and they shut down, don't talk, try to get back at the person they love to make them feel the same way, when really all you have to do is talk about how you are affected. She will keep this in mind, she may not realize how she is acting because she gets stressed. And remember just be calm, and she will start to be calm too. Hope this helps. Don't just see this one sided, mind you i don't know this woman, don't be scared and it sounds like you and her need some time to chill out and bond, try going camping for a weekend, or rent some funny movies and stay in. This way you too can relax together, make it about her and she will make it about you. Do this every so often because you do want to keep it equal, i am sure you want her to do things for you.
Lucky555 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 "maybe I can make an impression on her and can show her there is a lil more to life than just her." This sentence shows a lot! I am sure both of you can find other people. I bet you think she is "cocky" Which is what intrigues you. She has to keep this frame of mind for herself, its who she is, and it has nothing to do with you. You don't make her this way, she is this way but dont see it as a "better than you" When she starts acting really bitchy, say "i love you, you know that right" it will make her think again, more likely smile which will get her to calm down. Sounds like she may still have her guard up, you can't lose yourself in the other person but you can find a common ground. Your frustrated, i am not saying be a dog but read what i wrote to go along with this in another post.
Author accountnata Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 All in all you hit the target, that was much of what I was thinking but burried in my mind and entangled with thoughts of accounting and work, LOL. Those of you saying its not love, well I can't speak for her as far as lust and then love, but I am a very straightforward, realistic guy, and I know myself and know my feelings. I know the difference between lust and love, been there done that, this is a connection beyond all means I have ever encountered. Once I have professed my love for someone I am gun hoe all the way. I will never turn my back on that person. I will truly offer unconditional love. Why? because I am confident in myself and where I am. I will not turn my back on someone I love. A lot of people dont operate that way and thats fine, I will never turn on anyone I care for.
jcster Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I doubt either of you are truly in love. You don't know each other yet. You moved too fast, and now that things have slightly changed, it's trying on your emotions. This is what happens when things move fast. The smallest deviation from behavior is catastrophized. Oppath is right on this. We're not talking about "unconditional love," we are talking about a relationship. You can love someone and still not be able to get along with them. The kind of loving relationship that you are looking for is built over time, time that you guys didn't put into the relationship, which is why it's where it's at right now. You have to ask yourself why you dove into this so quickly? Were you afraid she was going to "get away?" Were you lonely? Was it because she also had a kid? It wasn't "love" because you don't even know her.
Author accountnata Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 that being the case, is this the type of thing easily doomed? We really do both have strong feelings for eachother, and I agree, moving in and so fast, any changes can be catastrophic. We moved in together because it just seemed what we wanted to do, we both wanted to be around eachother as much as possible. I could gather that we had both been through rough pasts, finally found something meaningful and good to both of us and jumped on it like it was gonna get away. I wasn't the only one to jump into this, she encouraged it more than I wanted it. I am usually a very careful, perceptive, and instinctive person and I dont do things like that, even in past relationships I was always careful not to put myself out.
oppath Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 No one is doubting you don't truly care for this woman and have strong feelings. You've never felt something like this before you say...well, think back to a failed relationship. While this one might dwarf that one, at that time, it probably felt like it was something otherworldly too, and you probably thought it would never end. When things move quickly, a small change in behavior becomes catastrophic. You haven't had time to see each other in a range of situations and emotions. It's not doomed, it's just that you don't know each other well yet. You are only just now seeing how she responds to certain situations, and you don't know how to deal with it, because you jumped in. All I know is that the kiddie pool was more fun as a kid than the adult pool is as an adult, and while I've won belly flop contests, the relationships that have flopped the most have been those I trusted her and her love too soon and gave too much of myself before I was able to see her for who she truly was. I can't give you much advice. You can't walk on eggshells, but you can't be too aggressive either, because things are so new. It's not doomed to failure. It's just that few people will be able to give you advice on how to cope because for most of us, it would be too much too soon, and we wouldn't be able to cope.
Star Gazer Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I met a gal, Im 27 she is 24. We both fell in love with eachother instantly. We moved in together right away, talking about marriage, kids, all that good stuff, even got her name tattooed on me. We have been together for 2 months... Woooooooaaaaahhhh, slow down there, buddy!! Way too much, way too fast! Oppath is spot on, particularly with this: "When things move quickly, a small change in behavior becomes catastrophic. You haven't had time to see each other in a range of situations and emotions. It's not doomed, it's just that you don't know each other well yet. You are only just now seeing how she responds to certain situations, and you don't know how to deal with it, because you jumped in." You weren't instantly "in love" - you were "in lust." You barely know each other.
StartingOver07 Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 She is...very head strong, conceded, my way or the highway kind of atitude and a man hater. She is a very stressful person and does not handle stress well, has a flaring temper and can be very spiteful. She is a very powerful woman, she would have no problem dropping me and moving on despite how much she says she is in love with me and she has told me this. It always seems to be about her and how she is made to feel and what angers her. There isnt much consideration for how I may be feeling. She has told me there is no room for BS in her life and will not put up with it at all. She tells me that she trusts no man and that they are all the same, It really comes down to her thinking her $hit don't stink. Almost like a spoiled child with the adult means to cause damage, very dangerous combination. she is not...even accepting of equality. Either way, I dont see myself getting too upset over losing her, In all seriousness: What is it about her that you think you love?
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