whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Why Are You Typing With Capital Letters At The Beginning Of Each Sentence? DL, you're entitled to your own opinion...I think though, you're reading into K's situation and personalizing it abit too much, not really understanding his fears/insecurities. Again, it's not just about SEX, it's about feeling wanted and desired by your partner... I dunno, but there are times I'm not in the mood for sex, but I see how horny my husband is and I'll do it anyway. Once in a while mercy sex is giving and unselfish thing to do because you're putting someone else's needs ahead of your own.
Hitman10000 Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Wow, so you work 20 hours MORE which equates to you WORKING HARDER thus you equate that with EXTRA STRESS. Now if you compare a full time college student who studies about 40-50 hours vs someone who works at Mcdonalds or Walmart 30-40 hours a week, One of them is going to be unhappy. Yeah of course the no skill expendable employee workplace! To compare more on your "I WORK 20 HOURS MORE SO I AM THE MAN" logic, Would you have low sex drive if you had to put up with 3-5 assh0le coworkers who are ready to backstab you if you show any signs of weakness or would you have a high one if you get along with them real well as well as working 10+ hours more than the backstabbing coworker environment? Cut her some slack, Actually help her look for another option to work in, when she finds something or gets in a position/pay she deserves - she might be happier. Or maybe, it's really you.
doiask42much Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Is she tired in addition to being stressed? I find that fatigue is more of a sex drive zapper for me than stress itself, which usually has me keyed up with nervous energy. But when I'm fatigued with no energy, I can't really do much but lie there like a blowup doll. Krytellan, are you ok with lackluster sex, as long as there's sex? My ex often gave me the excuse that he didn't want to put in a poor performance and so chose not to have sex with me at all. I found this extremely damaging to my self-image, so I know what you are going through. Crappy sex is, well, kind of crappy though. Dog Lover, MOST of the time I have sex with my bf I don't want to, but I know he needs it so I begrudgingly dole it out, and I'm sure others do the same. As others have pointed out, it's a sacrifice that you make for the person you love, as that person does things for you he may not feel like doing as well.
Author Krytellan Posted June 16, 2007 Author Posted June 16, 2007 Wow, so you work 20 hours MORE which equates to you WORKING HARDER thus you equate that with EXTRA STRESS. Now if you compare a full time college student who studies about 40-50 hours vs someone who works at Mcdonalds or Walmart 30-40 hours a week, One of them is going to be unhappy. Yeah of course the no skill expendable employee workplace! To compare more on your "I WORK 20 HOURS MORE SO I AM THE MAN" logic, Would you have low sex drive if you had to put up with 3-5 assh0le coworkers who are ready to backstab you if you show any signs of weakness or would you have a high one if you get along with them real well as well as working 10+ hours more than the backstabbing coworker environment? Cut her some slack, Actually help her look for another option to work in, when she finds something or gets in a position/pay she deserves - she might be happier. Or maybe, it's really you. I swear sometimes I feel like I live in a different reality than others. You can accuse me of being chauvanistic and demanding all you want, but you couldn't be farther from the truth. Any woman would be lucky to have someone as understanding as me. Help me understand when it became unacceptable for a person to expect sex in their relationship. My response to your post as well as DLs is that you guys are totally not understanding what I'm saying. But, I realize that maybe you do and I am just completely lost as to where you're coming from. Help me understand why I am an ********* in this situation, because I truly am not seeing it. Please note though, that typing every word with a capital letter does not make it more understandable. Does it make any difference that early in our relationship we both declared a high importance on sex in a relationship?
Author Krytellan Posted June 16, 2007 Author Posted June 16, 2007 Krytellan, are you ok with lackluster sex, as long as there's sex? My ex often gave me the excuse that he didn't want to put in a poor performance and so chose not to have sex with me at all. I found this extremely damaging to my self-image, so I know what you are going through. Crappy sex is, well, kind of crappy though. That's touchy. My marriage became a relationship of "get-it-over-with" sex. So there has to be another side to it. You are correct, she also is tired a lot of the time. So when we get together after each working our butts off for 3 or 4 days, it becomes her falling asleep in my arms immediately after she settles into a comfortable position and me left staring at the celing wondering what it would be like to have sex. I would be OK with lackluster sex or "goal-directed" sexual activities as long as we had mor intimate encounters at other times. First thing in the morning for example is when the chance is the highest. Unfortunately we only wake up together 1 day a week... maybe 2, and as often as not there is some place she or we needs to be.
doiask42much Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Is there any way you two could take a mini-vacation, even if it's just for a weekend, and do nothing but have sex? And sleep and eat in between. Heh. Might help cement the bond between you two.
Author Krytellan Posted June 16, 2007 Author Posted June 16, 2007 Is there any way you two could take a mini-vacation, even if it's just for a weekend, and do nothing but have sex? And sleep and eat in between. Heh. Might help cement the bond between you two. We just came back from the Oregon shore this last weekend and we did very little. We do have a few little weekend getaways lined up over the next couple months. Maybe that will help things.
doiask42much Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Did very little? As in very little sex? If so, why?
RecordProducer Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 "oh no not again". Nobody is immune to traumatic history repeating itself. You can find out what's going on. Does she have any days off when she doesn't work? Is it only work stress or also other problems (e.g. family)? When she has a week or two off, if the sex doesn't happen at least 3 times a week, consider her libido low; that means if you got married, you'd have sex even less frequently. Most likely.
Star Gazer Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Dog Lover, you said: Boyfriends come and go, but her future is more important and you have to be content with taking a backseat to that right now….Her life HAS to be pretty much that right now, especially if she is in the medical field. This I absolutely disagree with. Krytie and his GF are in a serious relationship. Fantastic men like Krytie don’t just “come and go” and should NOT be put on the backburner. No one should ever be put on the back burner. Moreover, if she really wants to continue to be in a relationship with Krytie, then she needs to recognize that HE is just as much a part of her future as her career is. “Her life” should be balanced – and that balance should include an active sex life with her BF, particularly given the fact that the two of them stressed the importance of sexual intimacy when they first started dating. Now, Krytie… I think you’re just grasping at straws here to find something “good enough” when it comes to sex with your GF. Let’s face it, your expectations of having a sex life with your GF are perfectly reasonable…BUT should you be thinking this way?: Dog Lover: Do you want to have sex with your partner when you know she is probably not enjoying it, just to please you? In a word, yes. I don't always feel like doing things for her, but I do them anyway. … I am absolutely comfortable enough with myself to accept and enjoy an act of sexual pleasure from my gf that may not be the most sincere act possible. Are you sure about that? Isn’t the issue here that you want her to want to have sex with you and then follow through with that desire? Are you really okay with having sex with someone who doesn’t desire you or want to have sex with you? Are you really okay with having sex with someone who thinks of it as a chore to get you off her back? Are you really okay with having sex with someone who’s on her back thinking “ugh, I hope he finishes soon!” while screaming out some encouraging words to get you to finish quickly? How are you okay with this? Seriously? WWIU agreed with this point in part: Again, it's not just about SEX, it's about feeling wanted and desired by your partner... But do you really want a relationship that involves “mercy sex”? Now, read your own words here… I changed where you used the word “you” to “my girlfriend”: Just because my girlfriend is willing to sacrifice a sex life for some bullsh*t idea of perfect and complete romantic sexless love, doesn't mean that a fully functioning (emotionally and physically) man like myself is. Her life now is not a whole lot less stressful than it will be forever in her field. My marriage became a relationship of "get-it-over-with" sex. ….. In other words, you were asking for “mercy sex” then, and you’re asking for it now. I hate to state the harsh obvious here, but the only difference is when you were married, you were actually getting laid. We just came back from the Oregon shore this last weekend and we did very little. You had a weekend away together to the shore? Correct me if I’m wrong, but that sounds like a lovely romantic getaway….with no work….meaning, no active stress. And yet got “very little”? This is a huge, huge problem, Krytie, but you know that. FWIW, in my example regarding my sexual appetite during periods of stress, my almost-sexless vacation to Mexico our senior year was the beginning of a very long, too-drawn-out end with “BF#1”. I think you know in your gut this isn’t going to get better. I mean, how often do you hear about a non-existent sex-drive (even if defended as situational) resurrecting itself? It’s rare, and even when it does happen it’s usually related to a physical condition and/or meds, not just “work stress.” BTW, has she by any chance recently started birth control and/or changed methods/brands? I’ve actually (for some unknown reason) been thinking about your situation all day, and I have a question for you not directly related to sex – not to be answered necessarily, but to ponder. Are you sure you’re not staying with your GF simply because she’s sooooo much better than your ex-wife in the areas your ex was lacking? Like the other thread where the person was comparing person A to person B, are you sure that’s not what you’re doing here…when the person you’re meant to be with isn’t even on this particular comparison chart? Just because she’s “better” than the one you married doesn’t mean she’s “the one.”
Author Krytellan Posted June 16, 2007 Author Posted June 16, 2007 Wow, Star. Thanks for the time. In reality, of course I would prefer to be with someone who wanted to have sex with me and with whom every act was complete with intimacy, reciprocation, and desire. I guess I have just come to believe that the chances of finding someone that has this quality plus all of the other things I find to be important are remote. It's easy to get caught in the belief that "it just seems that everyone is this way". I think you're right. I wouldn't really be happy with "acts of insincerity". It's more a justification of finding something that would be good enough in the absence of the ideal. I DO want her to WANT to have sex with me. I don't want to feel like I'm begging, persuading, or anything else that isn't a complete and mutual experience. But I would argue that just does not happen, or at least in a frequency that provides any hope for finding it. In case you haven't noticed, I do believe in the philosophy of settling to some degree. And I feel that good relationships come when people satisfy the most important requirements of the other. But again, I struggle with the idea of most important because any one of them missing would be just as effective on a relationship as any other. But I do know myself enough to know that I am not a big fan of starting over... and potentially over and over and over. Are you sure you’re not staying with your GF simply because she’s sooooo much better than your ex-wife in the areas your ex was lacking? Like the other thread where the person was comparing person A to person B, are you sure that’s not what you’re doing here…when the person you’re meant to be with isn’t even on this particular comparison chart? Just because she’s “better” than the one you married doesn’t mean she’s “the one.” I am seriously pondering this one. Thanks for the session Star. It has been very helpful
Star Gazer Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 In reality, of course I would prefer to be with someone who wanted to have sex with me and with whom every act was complete with intimacy, reciprocation, and desire. I guess I have just come to believe that the chances of finding someone that has this quality plus all of the other things I find to be important are remote. It's easy to get caught in the belief that "it just seems that everyone is this way". I think you're right. I wouldn't really be happy with "acts of insincerity". It's more a justification of finding something that would be good enough in the absence of the ideal. I DO want her to WANT to have sex with me. I don't want to feel like I'm begging, persuading, or anything else that isn't a complete and mutual experience. But I would argue that just does not happen, or at least in a frequency that provides any hope for finding it. I'm not so naive as to think that every single time a couple has sex both parties are equally turned-on and into the act, but I certainly wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was doing it JUST to please me, and I would hope that he wouldn't want to have sex with me unless I was into it as well. I'll admit that when I'm curled up on the couch working on my laptop I'm not always actively thinking about sex/in the mood. But I can honestly say that all it really takes to turn my attention in that direction is a short shoulder rub or a kiss to get the tingles workin', if you know what I mean. If he makes a move, he's in (pun intended ). And NO, everyone is NOT just "this way" (not into sex). Just because your ex-wife was this way, and your current GF is apparently this way, does not make it so for everyone else. In case you haven't noticed, I do believe in the philosophy of settling to some degree. And I feel that good relationships come when people satisfy the most important requirements of the other. But again, I struggle with the idea of most important because any one of them missing would be just as effective on a relationship as any other. I really don't agree with YOUR concept of settling. Yes, everyone settles to a degree because while we all have ideals of the perfect person and the perfect relationship, we know that no one person and no one relationship is in fact perfect. Based on past experience, settling in my mind means being with with someone who's not my physical ideal, or a little messier than I'd like, can't cook, doesn't wear cologne I like, has some weird quirks, or has some hobbies I find silly, or who's perhaps not as stylish as I'd like him to be. You, on the other hand, have said that if you were to make up a list of all the qualities you look for in a SO, you'd be satisfied if your SO met 3 of the 5 TOP qualities. In essence, "settling" to you means that your SO needs to only meet 60% of your basic relationship needs. I don't think this is a healthy perspective to have. Those missing qualities will only result in resentment and unhappiness over time. Nevertheless, sex is obviously within that top 60%, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. As far as I'm concerned, the top 5 qualities are pretty much deal breakers. Most people out there would satisfy 3 of the top 5. Your SO should be special because she fulfills them ALL, whatever you define those qualities to be. So unless you can honestly tell yourself that your top 5 qualities do NOT involve a healthy, mutually satisfying sexual relationship… (you know the end to this sentence). But I do know myself enough to know that I am not a big fan of starting over... and potentially over and over and over. This is the lamest reason to remain in a relationship where you're unsatisfied. I'm not advocating ending this relationship, but I don't want you to remain in it simply because she's "good enough" and better than your ex. You deserve to be with someone who meets ALL of your basic relationship needs.
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