Krytellan Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Alright, will try to exercise my summarization skills. Situation: My GF is within a year out of school and has been working at a job since in which she is overworked, underappreciated, and underpaid (much like all of us). She has recently started a half-time job (that will graduate to full-time in September) at a Family Practice clinic while she continues to work 40 hours at the research clinic (where she used to be working 54 hrs or so). She mentions the stress of having to "tie up the nightmare" at her regular job as well as the stress of the responsibility of dealing with new patients at her new job (liability, billing, etc)... something that she is doing for the first time with only moderate doctor supervision. Problem: Our sex life has all but been forgotten, and this is obviously concerning to me. My drive is larger than ever in my life, and while hers was fantastic in the beginning, it has dropped off dramatically. We have discussed it, and she says she is just very stressed out and that she "can hardly even think about sex right now". She cites over work and heavy work stress on the job. I know I'm a man and this is expected, but I work 72 hours a week and still want sex all the time. I am understanding and I DO place my deep love for her above the physical act of sex, but I also understand the effect of lack of sex and the detriment it is to a relationship. Quandry: Past is meeting present. My ex-wife absolutely stopped having sex with me unless she was drunk, which has made the concept of drunk sex absolutely repulsive to me since. I know all situations are different and it's not fair to place my gf in a group with my ex, but it's a natural reaction... "oh no not again". I want to give my gf the benefit of the doubt that she does in fact actually like me (unlike my ex) and that she really wants to and will get her drive back after things settle and she's down to the one job in a great environment (which it is). Question: Do the drives ever really come back? Is the "stress" complaint just the general bullsh*t line women use when they no longer find you sexually attractive? How can I help to separate past from present? Thanks all.
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Ouch K! I can see why this is getting to you... Everyone is different when it comes to sex. Normal day to day stress doesn't affect how I feel about sex. It actually helps relieve it, atleast it does for me. I remember working 12 days non-stop, both day and evening/late shifts all mixed up and I STILL had sex with my H. The times I don't feel like having sex is when I physically feel ill from the stress. The headaches, tummy hurts etc...BUT, if my H was horny and I didn't feel like having sex, I'd still give him a blowjob or a handjob. Is she still cuddley and affectionate? How is she out of the bedroom? Do her actions still show you that she cares for you? Also, remember, she isn't your ex. She's a different woman so try not to put your past ghosts, insecurites onto her. Time will tell though if she is giving you a line of crap or if she truely just can't handle sex right now. Talk to her about this, let her know about what your ex did and how it's kind of triggers some bad feelings inside you. Hopefully she'll make you feel more secure about this. Hope this helps.
Author Krytellan Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 Thanks WWIU. I feared that would be the case. I sometimes find myself wondering why I have to find the ones who have a problem keeping up with me. With all the women who want it all the time, why do I fall in love with the ones who don't? And no, she not overly touchy or affectionate outside of the bedroom, and she never has been. So yes, that wasn't a problem when the bedroom activities were regular, but with the absence of that, the lack of touchy behavior will surely become another point of contention. *sigh* I think it's time for me to look ong and hard at what I have here. I just don't know how long I can play this game. Not to say she's making it a game.
Star Gazer Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Question: Do the drives ever really come back? Is the "stress" complaint just the general bullsh*t line women use when they no longer find you sexually attractive? How can I help to separate past from present? You hate it when I tell you what you don't want to hear, but here it goes: BF#1 - Jason. College sweetheart, moved in together. In college, we f*cked like rabbits. Multiple times a day. Moved together to L.A. so I could start law school. First year of law school is a pretty tough, stressful time, lemmetellya. I was stressed as sh*t....but I was hornier than I'd ever been too. But I found our sex life dwindling because...well...both he and the dynamics of our relationship changed due to these and other circumstances that I won't bother getting into here, and I just didn't want to pounce on him anymore. Sex with HIM was the farthest thing from my mind. BF#2 - Kevin. During the summer of the Bar Exam. Most stressful time of my life at that point. F*cked like rabbits. BF#3 - Jeff. First year of law practicen in a large firm, equally - if not more - stressful. We too f*cked like rabbits. Sex was my release. I'm stressed as all get out right now. As a result, I'd mount just about anything. Ok, not really... but you're getting my point, I think.
Author Krytellan Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 Thanks Star. I think I needed to hear that.
Star Gazer Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Not all women are alike. Some, like me and WWIU, actually NEED sex to destress. However, I know just as many women who are just like your GF. My BFF is one of them. When stress enters the picture, she's completely disinterested in sex...and she's a newlywed. She shuts down. Her H made an issue of it when they were dating, when they got engaged, and still does. Don't assume the worst that your GF doesn't like/love you anymore the way your ex did. Your GF sounds like she's simply stressed, and that's making her uninterested. Is that bad? That depends on you...but it sounds like it is. As far as I'm concerned, life is full of stress - ups and downs. Can you handle being with someone who won't be sexually demonstrative of her feelings for you during those periods? It's not like she's suffering a traumatic experience right now (death in the family, loss of a job, etc.), she's simply work-stressed. Aren't we all?? Does she know how important sex is to you?? Do you understand that she might be "stressed" for the rest of her life......??
Author Krytellan Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 life is full of stress - ups and downs. Can you handle being with someone who won't be sexually demonstrative of her feelings for you during those periods? It's not like she's suffering a traumatic experience right now (death in the family, loss of a job, etc.), she's simply work-stressed. Aren't we all?? Does she know how important sex is to you?? Do you understand that she might be "stressed" for the rest of her life......?? Don't think for a minute that I haven't thought about this... over and over and over again. I work 72 hrs a week, am in supreme debt, and just made a divorce settlement that is adding even more strain on me financially. I have a gf that is stressed and it's affecting her sex drive, and therefore me. I have stress, and if I had my choice, I would do it 4 times a day. Our styles certainly don't mesh. This is a concern for me.
Shan2k Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 You hate it when I tell you what you don't want to hear, but here it goes: BF#1 - Jason. College sweetheart, moved in together. In college, we f*cked like rabbits. Multiple times a day. Moved together to L.A. so I could start law school. First year of law school is a pretty tough, stressful time, lemmetellya. I was stressed as sh*t....but I was hornier than I'd ever been too. But I found our sex life dwindling because...well...both he and the dynamics of our relationship changed due to these and other circumstances that I won't bother getting into here, and I just didn't want to pounce on him anymore. Sex with HIM was the farthest thing from my mind. BF#2 - Kevin. During the summer of the Bar Exam. Most stressful time of my life at that point. F*cked like rabbits. BF#3 - Jeff. First year of law practicen in a large firm, equally - if not more - stressful. We too f*cked like rabbits. Sex was my release. I'm stressed as all get out right now. As a result, I'd mount just about anything. Ok, not really... but you're getting my point, I think. Wow... With that resume of sexual activities, some people would think you're a nymphomaniac or even worse but I understand what you're getting at (even though it wasn't for me to understand). Everyone's sexual moods are different. Krytellan Sex is a stress reliever for the majority of men and for a small amount of women. If you're lucky, you'll find one. Testosterone in both men and women affect the strength of our sexual appetite. http://www.womentowomen.com/sexualityandfertility/sexaftermenopause.asp?id=1&campaignno=lossofdesire&adgroup=ag2libido&keywords=low+libido+in+woman It could be a lot of reasons to why she's not intimate. Stress, unattractiveness, etc,. You need to sit her down and have a serious discussion about it. Have you try to do something romantic with her? If so, and you're still not getting any action, she's on BS.
Star Gazer Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Wow... With that resume of sexual activities, some people would think you're a nymphomaniac or even worse but I understand what you're getting at (even though it wasn't for me to understand). I've been called worse than a nymphomaniac, so it's okay...although I'm hard pressed to see why you think me having an active sex-life with my then-BF would make me one.
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Thanks WWIU. I feared that would be the case. I sometimes find myself wondering why I have to find the ones who have a problem keeping up with me. With all the women who want it all the time, why do I fall in love with the ones who don't? And no, she not overly touchy or affectionate outside of the bedroom, and she never has been. So yes, that wasn't a problem when the bedroom activities were regular, but with the absence of that, the lack of touchy behavior will surely become another point of contention. *sigh* I think it's time for me to look ong and hard at what I have here. I just don't know how long I can play this game. Not to say she's making it a game. Does she still ask for lots of back massages? Or has that cooled off too? I think you should give it another week or two, and then open up and talk about it with her. Hey, if things have changed and she's not as interested as she once was, YOU have the right to know! Why waste energy and effort on someone who isn't sure about what they want.
Shan2k Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I've been called worse than a nymphomaniac, so it's okay...although I'm hard pressed to see why you think me having an active sex-life with my then-BF would make me one. I guess it's just that double-standard towards women.... But hey, your life, your privates. Nothing wrong with having a lot of sex with your BF when stressed. Wish my GF was like that.
Star Gazer Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Krytie - any update? And what about WWIU's question?
tanbark813 Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 we f*cked like rabbits. Multiple times a day. F*cked like rabbits. We too f*cked like rabbits. Sex was my release. I'd mount just about anything. :love::bunny:
Author Krytellan Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 No, she doesn't really ask for massages very much anymore, but probably moreso because we don't see each other as much as before. We had another frank discussion about the situation. I laid it out to her. I told her I would give her some time to settle into things and to try to find out what's up. In that time, though, I expressed that I would hope that at times she would be inclined to do things she doesn't necessarily feel like doing because it's what I need in a relationship, and that I would not be able to accept both the lack of daily affection in (relative) absence of sexual activity. She agreed with that. I told her that I'm not convinced that thing is just a "thing" because life is full of stress and if this is her response to stress, then there would be a problem. She agreed. And, I told her that I need to feel loved, and I equate love with physical contact. So in this time, she needs to make an effort to make sure I feel loved. She agreed. No, as much as it sounds like it, I wasn't as demanding as it sounds. I didn't tell her these things, we discussed these things. Other than that, there's not much to report. Since our talk, she has stepped it up and gone out of her way to show me things. Even random gestures that didn't exist before. I know people pretty well, and I know she's not a faker. If she didn't feel "it" for me, she'd say so. She's more than comfortable living for and by herself and doesn't need just anyone in her life. I think that she truly loves me, really doesn't know what's going on, and is really worried that it is going to get in the way of a wonderful thing. All I can do is protect myself and go along for the ride, while making sure I stay true to the person I am without becoming bitter or witholding. *crosses fingers* Here's to hoping something can work out the way I want it to.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 It's good she's making an effort! So, see how long it lasts...If she slips back into old patterns and stops trying. K, just give it time, try not to worry and make it about you. Give her abit of space and focus on other things too. Maybe even detach abit so if it does end you won't be floored by it all..
Author Krytellan Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 I am at the point where I feel like I am well-balanced between "in the relationship and giving it my all" and "treading lightly". I think the trick is being totally comfortable with giving all that you want to give in a relationship without the feel of being embarassed if it ended. I have no problem being the mushy person I am and being broken up with. If that happened, I wouldn't feel embarassed or taken advantage of, I would simply seek another object for my attention. It's a rather Zen state of being actually, and not one that is to be confused with "loss of desire for my gf". She has continued to put forth effort. For the hour we were together last night before I went to work she was very engaged and attentive to me. So far so good. Just to reiterate, it is the nature of LS to glorify the negatives. I feel bad sometimes, like I'm putting my gf under a microscope in a negative light. She's really a wonderful person, and not the dysfunctional ogre I make her out to be.
Star Gazer Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Good to hear she's putting in effort. Hopefully it's natural for her... Just to reiterate, it is the nature of LS to glorify the negatives. I feel bad sometimes, like I'm putting my gf under a microscope in a negative light. She's really a wonderful person, and not the dysfunctional ogre I make her out to be. I understand completely. First, you've never made her out to be an ogre...but there are signs there that she might not be the one who will make for a happily ever after. Second, it's tough when we share the worst parts of our relationships - either here or IRL with friends/family - because then when things are going well, all anyone wants to do is rehash all the bad stuff....kinda makes you want to keep quiet. That said, if you find you're complaining more than gushing, well, that's something in and of itself, don't you think?
Author Krytellan Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 That said, if you find you're complaining more than gushing, well, that's something in and of itself, don't you think? That's the point though. She has me gushing plenty, I just don't announce that... especially after the beating I took from you all last time I did.
Star Gazer Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 That's the point though. She has me gushing plenty, I just don't announce that... especially after the beating I took from you all last time I did. "Firefighter, this is for you...:love: I miss Mr. Love Rocket, schmoopie pie!!:love:" <---If I had said that HERE knowing he doesn't read this forum, you would have laughed your a$$ off. C'mon, admit it. Now, yes, you do gush about her. But honestly the things you gush about (she's smart, gorgeous, fun) are trivial compared to the bigger issues: selfishness and a lack of sex drive. Just sayin', you know I love ya.
Author Krytellan Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 Laugh, yes. Declare to be sad, no. I think it's difficult to prioritize things in a relationship. I have been in some bad relationships. So to say that sex drive is more important than being fun is not necessarily going to be true. It's relative. Each one, in absence, is detrimental to the couple.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 That's the point though. She has me gushing plenty, I just don't announce that... especially after the beating I took from you all last time I did. PM me anytime you need to gush about her. I think it's neat and rare. Not too many men wear their hearts on their sleeves!
Author Krytellan Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 PM me anytime you need to gush about her. I think it's neat and rare. Not too many men wear their hearts on their sleeves! :love: I love you WWIU
Author Krytellan Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 Dog Lover: I understand that walking into this it seems selfish, but there is a history that is at work here, including a failed marrige that suffered from an absolute lack of sex and intimacy from my wife. That said: do you want to have sex with your partner when you know she is probably not enjoying it, just to please you? In a word, yes. I don't always feel like doing things for her, but I do them anyway. Because I care for her and because she wants it. I am absolutely comfortable enough with myself to accept and enjoy an act of sexual pleasure from my gf that may not be the most sincere act possible. You can call me a pig, but you have no idea. a guy who'd say that to me would be dumped by me right there. Well, considering your sex drive will diminish at some point, I feel bad for the man that will say that to you. I'm sorry you don't feel any sense of selflessness or commitment to satisfy your lover. Working fulltime and going to school is different than just working a lot, like you. She has work that she has to focus on...for her career and financial future. She is in the medical field it appears and will be making a lot of money and she has to focus on that right now. Boyfriends come and go, but her future is more important and you have to be content with taking a backseat to that right now. SHe has stresses you don't even relate to in a minor way if she is finishing up a degree and working in her field on top of that. Her life HAS to be pretty much that right now, especially if she is in the medical field. Excuse me? I don't have to focus on the homeless drug addicts that count on me everyday? I did school, I have a Master's +60... I worked my a$$ off, and all along felt a sense of obligation to my partner. I can't relate to her stresses? I am placed in situations on a daily basis where my life is at risk. When I go to work I instinctively scan the environment for weapons and other dangerous objects that can be used againt me. I have to leave my house at 4AM because someone had identified that my client is beligerent and suicidal on the overpass of I-5. I know stress... and I want sex. If you are willing to wait until she finishes school to have the perfect sexlife, that shows you have high character and support and care about her goals. If you can't wait and support her, and are just going to be worried about your own sexual needs, then do her a favor and dump her now. Read again, she has finished school... and I am waiting. Just because you are willing to sacrifice a sex life for some bullsh*t idea of perfect and complete romantic sexless love, doesn't mean that a fully functioning (emotionally and physically) man like myself is. Her life now is not a whole lot less stressful than it will be forever in her field. If this is her coping mechanism, we are not compatible. I don't ask for perfect. I don't ask for daily. Hell, I don't ask for it except on weekends. I don't want to dump her, this wouldn't even be a discussion if I did. I wish you luck in finding a man that would do what you describe... or even a woman for that matter.
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