turning point

[lost0604]

well last night i came into work for a bit to let one of the other employees leave early since we are currently short handed...anyway MM was here...btw have I mentioned I don't just work with him but he is my BOSS...yea...ha..anyway...we talked...he tried to be affectionate and I was cold..should have just made him stop but I guess baby steps...I didn't reciprocate and that is something...I should have just left at closing time but couldn't resist the extra one on one time...after the other night we had out we hadn't talked much and I was struggling with it all...anyway...here is something you need to know...MM and his wife have sex maybe 3 times a year...she just isn't into it....she never really had been and once they had kids even more so...however he did try and talk to her about his issues in their marriage...originally as a stepping stone to letting her know he wasn't happy not so much for her to fix them...the no sex was one of them...and now it seems she has been trying to offer it to him more...and he had been declining it because he hates how it's because he had to say something to get her to offer it...i tell him it has to start somewhere and he can't say to her this needs to change and then she changes it and he rejects her...not if he is gonna stay...it is unfair to her...so anyway i ask him here and there if she has offered and if he accepted...i asked last night....apparently last week she did and he accepted....since their talk this was the first time...and the first time in months he has been intimate with her...i felt sick to my stomach..had images in my head...i wouldn't let him touch me... i felt betrayed...and yet that was countered with the fact that I had no right.. I am the OW not the W. She is,...SHE IS. Sigh...I struggled just sitting there with a blank face and just said i have no idea how to feel right now....it's amazing how as the OW you almost allow yourself to take rights over them in a way a W does. However the last several months i have been more alert to the W, maybe partly because my H has deceived me and i would look at it like i'd kill H if he did this to ME...so in the end i thought my god who the F am I to be upset here? and although our closeness gave me the ability to feel as hurt as i did the reality of it was i had no right. not having that right and feeling that pain nevertheless allowed me to tell him i was done and i left. I told him i cannot be ok with him being intimate with anyone other than me and obviously our situation doesn't grant that. I want more i need more and i'm done. he said he feels so stupid because he knows i love him and want him to myself emotionally and physically and yet he is in a R where he feels he is faking both. I told him i didn't know what to say to him anymore and that i can't do this. so here i am in work today. he isn't here yet and i'm dreading it but i will bury myself at my desk and only speak with him when i have to. I feel strongly about being done with this...i am not over him but i am over how our R has to be. As for H...sigh...things aren't going to well he is back to trying to make me feel as low about myself as possible..his drinking has gotten worse and he is being very secretive regarding his cell phone..he won't let me pay his bill on line...i can only assume because then i will have access to his phone call history and godforbid...but oh no we aren't hiding anything...WHATEVER...anyway that is my latest...thanks for reading

[quankanne]

ugh, this sound like a huge mess to live in, and I don't envy you ...

 

I guess the big question here is: What are you going to do? Right now, with the rest of your life? Surely you don't want to be stuck in this seventh ring of hell with a crappy marriage and an even more crappy love affair ... what's in it for you in either relationship? You deserve better than what your lover or your husband are capable of providing, and it seems to me that you're selling yourself short with both in an attempt to catch/have something that's elusive. Why not cut to the chase, drop the lover and divorce your husband so that the playing field will be leveled and you get a hell of a lot more self-empowerment than you have now?

 

frankly, both those men sound like selfish jackasses, and no one deserves a life shackled to a jackass.

 

I'm just saying ...

[lost0604]

frankly, both those men sound like selfish jackasses, and no one deserves a life shackled to a jackass.

 

haha shackled to a jackass...i like it...um yea i guess letting go and facing change is hard for everyone...funny i am sort of a hypocrit because this is something i judge MM for...being scared of the change...i think certain things appear scary or hard but you don't know until you do it...and i did def. get to a point with H where i was going to be ok..but i guess having a child together makes you accept things you normally wouldn't...he is finally becoming a good father after 3 yrs...at first it was a struggle to get him to see what he was missing out on but he is finally getting it hard to get pass the bitterness of all the time he f'd up you know? a lot between H and I that is hard for me to let go...hypocrtically hard for me to trust him because he is has lied to me sooo much and has talked to others behind my back..and yet at the same time since he has returned from our 6 mos separation he has changed a lot...he is and always has been quite affectionate but his drinking gets under my skin and he isn't the falling down drunk type just the always have a beer in my hand kind...but holds it well..my father was an alcoholic so my tolerance for this is very low..not a good combination..also i don't want my son growing up seeing it...even if he doesn't get violent or pass out a constant beer is something that he will pick up on as my H did with his own father...i will die first before that happens with my own son...it's funny cause i often think if i were to just be meeting my H i would have no real interest in him...we clash on so many levels at the same time he has changed which is where my confusion lies...can i get pass all the **** and move on with him? as for MM i would have to agree in his selfishness....he won't let go yet he won't leave her...not a fair agreement...and i am not signing it...he is here today with his youngest...who i happen to have a connection with so he keeps coming into my office..making it very hard...sigh gonna be a long day...

[Shades of Grey]

"so anyway i ask him here and there if she has offered and if he accepted...i asked last night....apparently last week she did and he accepted....since their talk this was the first time...and the first time in months he has been intimate with her...i felt sick to my stomach..had images in my head...i wouldn't let him touch me... i felt betrayed...and yet that was countered with the fact that I had no right.. I am the OW not the W. She is,...SHE IS. Sigh...I struggled just sitting there with a blank face and just said i have no idea how to feel right now....it's amazing how as the OW you almost allow yourself to take rights over them in a way a W does. "

 

 

I know I will probably get jumped on for saying this but my heart bleeds for you.

I was in the exact same situation. I knew that my mm and w had sex at most half a dozen times.a year. Years ago he got tired of being constantly rejected by her and stopped trying to initiate it all together. The result was that all sex was initiated by her and usually as reward for good behavior "kids birthday party" being nice on weekend away to see mother in law" etc.

Anyway i was constantly aware that although it was rare the fact was that at some point it would be happening. One day I forced him to tell me and he admitted that it had a few weeks back after their daughters birthday. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and stamped on repeatedly. I couldn't breathe. Yes I know I have no right but when mm makes you feel that you are the one that he adores and it is only circumstance that prevents you being together you can't help but feel this ultimate sense of betrayal.

We talked about it and he admitted that whilst he was still in the marriage he felt that he had no choice but to go along with pretending that everyone was ok and by rejecting her on this level he would have been forced to explain himself.

Unfortunately my mm has always had an amazing ability to compartmentalise his life.

I just wanted to say that I feel for you. I hope that you manage to get through this.

[lost0604]

Shadesofgrey: Yes I agree..betrayal was a big part of what i was feeling. i understand that his continuing to reject her would cause suspiscion but then hello leave her and be with me or just let me go. as though there is no other answer than well if i didn't i'd have to explain myself. I totally felt like i couldn't breathe and i was shaking but this was beyond just feeling hurt but mostly omg what did i get myself into that i have to justify the man i love sleeping with another woman...it isn't justifiable...they need to make choices not just get everything they want meanwhile making us feel like we aren't worth the leap...i often wonder how he himself doesn't want all this to end...i find myself pushing a lot and he starts to beat himself for not being able to make a choice and then i feel bad and lay off but you know what it's time to put me first when does i don't know this is such a big jump turn into ok a decision is made...how long does i don't know keep us lingering....ridiculous...in my situation the time is up, if you haven't yet you never will and i can't look myself in the face if i am spending each day trying to convince you to leave your family...it is one thing if you do it because it's what you want but it doesn't make me feel good about myself being this person.

[PoshPrincess]

Unfortunately my mm has always had an amazing ability to compartmentalise his life.

 

Funny how so many of them are able to do this, huh? Have to say my MM was pretty cr*p at compartmentalising which is how come things ended.

 

Lost, if you husband has a drink problem/is an alcoholic then you should end your M for yours and your childs safety. I daresay I am only telling you something you already know if you have grown up with this. I totally feel for you too, things are sounding very messy for you.

 

As for your MM having sex with his W, I assumed my MM was up to the point of his W finding out about us but never asked. I tried not to think about it and knew I had no right in expecting anything different. However, once she found out and he promised me it was me he loved and was going to leave (ha, ha effing ha!) I asked him if they were still having sex. His answer "No", like of course he's going to say that, and I convinced myself he was being honest because it would've made me feel like my heart had been ripped out too. God knows it did when I heard she had thrown a surprise party for him (and that was after we'd finished) so if I'd thoght he was still intimate with her God knows how I'd have felt!

[Shades of Grey]

I SO know.

 

Everything he tells you about his marriage and his feelings and his unhappiness makes you find it incomprehendable that he can't just choose happiness and in doing so eventually the financial concerns, the nightmare of going through a divorce and everything else will work itself out. You feel like you are helping him to achieve this sense of understanding.

 

Then suddenly you take a step back and realise that you are actually pushing. And that it's no longer a case of helping him to get what he wants and deserves but a sense of feeling like it's you who is encouraging him to leave and forcing a nightmare onto his wife and family.

 

I always insisted that I did not want my mm to leave his w for me I just wanted him to face up to his life and make a choice one way or the other and to make that choice with determination not resignation.

 

Subconsciously however it got to the point where I felt like I was in a war with the w and I just felt disgusted that I had allowed myself to be a part of it.

[lost0604]

poshprincess: my H's drinking definitely makes me see that...i guess sometimes i allow him to convince me i am making a bigger deal of it than i should due to my past but when it comes down to it i know i am right here...

 

shades of grey: i often do look at him like omg it's a no brainer...even he says it but i do understand it's such a big step and i get that but then just leave me alone and stop trying to have both that is part that frustrates me you can't beg me to stay working here and wait for you when you are doing nothing and continue to say the same stuff over and over again. i'm trying...blah blah...just do!

[whichwayisup]

Keep on having those realizations, the more you have them, the more you'll actually 'see' the reality of what is infront of you. And, the blinders will come off even more. Hopefully one day you'll look at him and think to yourself, WTF WAS I THINKING by getting involved with you!

 

Keep reading OW's threads, stay strong and try to do your best to stay busy, especially at work.

[torranceshipman]

For Goodness sake, you are stuck in misery here and it does NOT have to be like this. This is your life-you only get one!-your son, like you say, will pick up on the 'beer in hand' thing, and that might lead to alcoholism later in his life...that's awful. You can predict this as a possibility if you stay with your H - remove your son from that danger and leave your H! Your H makes you miserable anyway, so what reason is there to stay? As for the MM, he sounds like a 16yr old kid-what a moron-firstly having an A with you, then spouting all this crap about having sex with his W to you - just bizarre and ridiculous. Get rid of him. The whole situation is just totally miserable.

 

Divorce the H and dump the MM, move on with your life and there is a whole, new, great future waiting for you out there. If you stay and accept the misery of this situation all you have in your future is more misery.

 

And yea, the big changes are scary-anything worth doing is going to be overwhelming, but honestly, it will be totally and utterly worth it. Good luck!!!

[lost0604]

torranceshipman- well i did ask MM about the sex with the wife. i often do. i just wanted to know. so it's not like he just chose to tell me. i understand what you are saying though. i am getting the advice of get out of this circle from many.

[Seen_It_All]

...here is something you need to know...MM and his wife have sex maybe 3 times a year...she just isn't into it....

I'm assuming you live with these people and sleep in the same bed at night with them? Because that's the only way you could know whether this statement is TRUE or not.

 

...and now it seems she has been trying to offer it to him more...and he had been declining it because he hates how it's because he had to say something to get her to offer it...

So, if the supposed statement of him only having sex 3 times a year IS true (which I doubt) he's basically NOT allowing her to try to change things for the better - after he b*itched and moaned to her about them? What a jerk-off. He complains he's not getting enough sex, then when his wife TRIES to improve things, he has the cajones to blow her off because she's not panting at the mere sight of the lying cheater? Go figure.

 

... i felt betrayed...and yet that was countered with the fact that I had no right..

The only one who has betrayed you is yourself - for allowing a married man to use you for sex.

 

I want more i need more and i'm done.

You're married. What else CAN he offer you? If you're obviously THAT miserable in your marriage, why are STAYING? For the financial security? Sounds as though your husband is engaging in an affair as well. You've aligned yourself with two cheating liars, basically. Surely you see a better place in life for yourself?

 

I wouldn't hitch my wagon to EITHER of these losers.