9Lives Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 First of all I have read alot of the post. I am hurt and confused so i am not thinking very clearly right now. I need some really good guidance and support because I do love my mm. I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired of being 2nd. I am very jealous. Im tired of not know exactly what is going on. I dont want my days to be ruinned by him. I want to feel normal again. We had a argument on Friday and have not spoken since then. I have been crying and depressed for the last 3 days. Basically I think my mm is not ready to really leave. He says it but I dont think he really wants to. I dont fully understand why he does not want to. he does not want to let me go either cause I do believe he loves me but just not sure about if he wants to go. Anyway, Please tell me...step by step what I need to do to get out of this triangle I have allowed myself to be a part of. Keep in mind...I am crazy about him. What if he really leaves and I left him when I should not have. Please tell me what to do
norajane Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 You've broken up with people in the past, right? This isn't any different as when you break up with someone whom you realize isn't right for you and is, in fact, very unhealthy for you. You may still love him, but you do what you have to do. - tell him you can't see him anymore because you are miserable with him. You don't actually have to tell him if he's not talking to you anyway. But if he does contact you, tell him you are done and you don't want to hear from him anymore. - erase all his contact info - email, phone, IM, etc. - go through your grieving period. lean on your friends for support. cry, scream, take a kickboxing class, wallow with sad movies. whatever you have to do, do it. - once that first wave of grief ebbs, you'll feel stronger and more certain that you're doing the best thing for yourself. - do not give in to the pain. do not answer his calls, or emails, or talk to him or meet with him. do not try to contact him. write it all out here instead. - do nice things for yourself. get a haircut, manicure, massage, new shoes, a great book, a weekend trip away. go out to dinner with your friends. take your vitamins. exercise. - do nice things for others. take your mom shopping, rescue a puppy from the shelter, buy groceries for the little old lady down the street, volunteer to teach a Junior Achievement class. Doing things for other people actually makes you feel better, because you are focusing on something other than yourself, but also it gives you a rush of good feelings. And do not drive by his house or office or the coffee shop you always went to together. Do not call his voice mail just to hear his voice. Do not contact him and plead with him to leave his wife, or to tell you he loves you. Just completely stay away from him. You will come out the other side. You will get through the pain. You will feel good when you realize a huge weight has been lifted from your mind - no more worrying about when you'll see him, no more wondering if he's lying to you or what he's lying about, no more waiting for him to leave his wife, no more beating your head against the same brick wall...it feels really, really good when you stop beating your head against the wall. Good luck to you.
outofdarkness Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 First of all I have read alot of the post. I am hurt and confused so i am not thinking very clearly right now. I need some really good guidance and support because I do love my mm. I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired of being 2nd. I am very jealous. Im tired of not know exactly what is going on. I dont want my days to be ruinned by him. I want to feel normal again. We had a argument on Friday and have not spoken since then. I have been crying and depressed for the last 3 days. Basically I think my mm is not ready to really leave. He says it but I dont think he really wants to. I dont fully understand why he does not want to. he does not want to let me go either cause I do believe he loves me but just not sure about if he wants to go. Anyway, Please tell me...step by step what I need to do to get out of this triangle I have allowed myself to be a part of. Keep in mind...I am crazy about him. What if he really leaves and I left him when I should not have. Please tell me what to do Completely...100 percent cut contact..period...Block all emails, texts, phone calls, etc..That should do it!
Author 9Lives Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 But what I am afraid of is what if I leave him and he really does leave her. Now I missed out. talk to me.
Tomcat33 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Excellent advice by Norajane! The only thing to do is just to get out. YOU take the initiative you take it upon yourself to change the course of the oucome of the viscious circle you are in. And don't dwell on the fact that it might be the wrong thing to do because staying with him has already proven to you that it's the wrong thing to do, I can feel the pain in your words, you are very unhappy. Chage the course of action and let time and destiny work on the rest by pulling away and cutting this out you will know for sure what you meant to him, what his intentions are, by staying with him you will only know what one intention on his behalf, is and that is to keep you as his OW. Ending is very hard but in time you will realise that it's not nearly as hard as waiting for that bone to be thrown your way. You can do it 9L!!! Just read your last post: If he leaves her he WILL come for you. So don't worry about that.
sadbuttrue Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 9lives, that is a very natural concern for the OW. if he leaves her, then he will come and find you if he loves you. but i wouldnt count on that. if he wanted to leave her he would. he must understand how hard this is for you. this is not a normal relationship. he will respect your need to put yourself first for once.
PoshPrincess Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 9Lives I really feel for you. I have been there too. I am not the person to give advice because I have been completely rubbish and cutting exMM out of my life. I have zero willppower even now. I can only give you advice on what I should have done. I should have ended things much much sooner instead of letting the hurt drag on. Anyway, Please tell me...step by step what I need to do to get out of this triangle I have allowed myself to be a part of. Keep in mind...I am crazy about him. What if he really leaves and I left him when I should not have. Please tell me what to do When my exMMs W found out I should have put a stop to our R. I should have told him to go back to her, sort his life out and to leave me alone until he had made a decision. No, actually, until he had left. Instead, where things DID drag on we just ended up hurting each other more and more, I started to put pressure on him (which I had never done before) and he couldn't handle putting me through so much grief when he had so much other cr*p going on in his life. I can only suggest you do exactly what I DIDN'T and YES, if he really loves you then when he leaves he will come and find you. That you can be sure of. Until then be strong. You will feel much better if you have some pride and are able to hold your head up high. The fact that I have dealt with things so badly has just made me feel a whole lot worse and made things so much harder to get over although I finally feel I am starting to direct some anger at him instead of just towards myself.
lost0604 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 But what I am afraid of is what if I leave him and he really does leave her. Now I missed out. talk to me. I totally understand where you are. if you have read any of my posts you will see i can sympathize. I too have struggled with feeling he is so close to leaving but unfortunately emotionally i can't wait around and find out if i am right..the risk is too high if i am wrong. as everyone else has said here if he leaves her he will find you if you are what he really wants. i have read that after the first 3 mos of an affair it is less and less likely they will leave if they haven't already...i'm in this 3 years...i can vouch that to be true...there is a process to these things i think...friends...one day you cross the line...then sexually you just reach out...then feelings get involved until you feel you can't live your life without sharing it with them. my therapist once said if you are afraid to lose him and be alone realize you already are alone...while you are laying in bed at night with no one beside you (this was the time my H and I separated) he is laying next to his wife..having family dinners and bbq's holidays and weekend trips and you get what he has left...we all deserve more than that and other than love i am not sure what allows us to accept any less...you can do this...I'd say even let this motivate you...even if it is false motivation at first...if you walk sometimes they begin to see they truly can't live without you and do what it takes to have you in their life, they will never make a move if the complacency of what you have continues...take it all away from him...he truly needs it he will fight for it...even if i am wrong so long as it motivates you to try it ...in the end if it doesn't work you have already taken the steps to move on and by that point it won't even matter cause you'll already be half way there to a new life..with or without him...my motto...fake it til you make it...wallow only when it becomes too much...fake it til you make it..lots of luck,..we are in this together...
huda farran Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Well my dear, it isn't easy for him to leave! How can he? He got a wife, kids maybe, a social life, friends and relative to think about, the lost is too huge let alone how every one is going to judge him! Yes he might be in love with you but then if he lets go of his family that easily, remember he'll easily let go of you. I think the best way is to try to balance the whole thing by trying to go out with friends and do make your self avilabel to other men as well. Still see him since it is not easy to finish a relationship that quickly, you sort of need to do it slowly. All the best
outofdarkness Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 But what I am afraid of is what if I leave him and he really does leave her. Now I missed out. talk to me. I just don't understand...you're afraid if you really cut contact that he really will LEAVE her or LOVE her??? The only way you will know what his true intentions are is if you cut contact. I believe that most OW's on this forum will tell you that you do get to that point..You have to set boundaries and issue ultimatums, just as we, as W's have to...
TogetherForever Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 But what I am afraid of is what if I leave him and he really does leave her. Now I missed out. talk to me. If he leaves her, he WILL come to you if he loves you like he says he does. So you won't miss out. Right?!
Author 9Lives Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 Gosh ladies, I am FOREVER grateful to you all. I trust and believe that you have opened my eyes and given me strength to do something that is very hard to do. As you all know from experience, Matters of the heart, are not very easy to handle sometimes and even harder on your own when you are emotionally confused and hurting. I've decide I have nothing to lose by following this advice given here. I cant look back at this time. I am the one that has to make my decisions for me. Just so you all know, to keep my accountable...this is what I have done. **I have blocked his email address. **I have kinda put my cell phone away for a while so I can just break the cycle of waiting for that call. **I have printed out this thread to carry with me to read just in case I am feeling weak and lose my focus. I really have not been talking to anyone because I am so beat down emotionally that I am happy just laying in my bed watching tv so I can get a grip on my mind and emotions. I look forward to hearing from you all and you have help me. I will keep you posted and look forward to helping you all as well. Love 9L
lost0604 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 printing out the thread and carrying it with you is a great idea for weak moments...and you are right you have nothing to lose except the misery this type of R can bring...i'd say either way you are in for a big GOOD change in your life...so keep your eyes open and enjoy...doing something for yourself, help you feel better always works for me...i will go to the drug store or something and get facial masks...and nail polish...self tanner...crest white strips a new dress...something that makes me realize i'm good with or without...do something for yourself...good luck can't wait to hear your updates...
Author 9Lives Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 ****HOW QUICKLY THE WEAK MOMENT COMES**** Did not take long to hit. I have not done anything but I am feeling bad because I have not heard from him.....(DUH...Im not suppose to). You know how it is....we want them to chase us. I wouldnt know anyway at this point right now since I dont have my cell phone and his email is blocked. These thoughts keep running in my head saying he has given up too and he dont care. I'm crazy.
norajane Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 You're not crazy - you're doing great! You should be proud of yourself for taking action and sticking to your decision. The rule is: love yourself most, and put yourself first.
Author 9Lives Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 **THIS IS HOW CRAZY THIS CAN BE** Now I am feeling like hey if he wants to be with her...then be with her....Just stay the f/uck out my face. I will be fine. I guess I am angry and tired of feeling like the victim and tired of feeling like I am the one who is losing something....HE A/SS IS LOSING A GOOD WOMAN TOO cause he sure dont got one now. This I know. I need to quit beating myself up. He should be beating HIS self up...not me. I need to dust myself off. I have been good to him. He was pretty good to me but the truth is I CAN DO BETTER. and I will. Some guy ask me out tonite. I was like damm. And here I am crying over him. Dont get me wrong I love him but why love someone who cant give you the love you need. HE IS LAYING WITH HER ...AS WE SPEAK!!! I need to wake the f/uck up
norajane Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Bravo, sweets!!! And you are totally right - HE is the loser here, not you.
Author 9Lives Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Ha, ha Dont put your cheerleading pom pom on yet. You know how these emotions can flip on us. lol I'm going to tell him when he calls ...."stay your a/ss over there with her...I am the better woman REGARDLESS." and he know it too. So f/uck it
PoshPrincess Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 ****HOW QUICKLY THE WEAK MOMENT COMES**** Did not take long to hit. I have not done anything but I am feeling bad because I have not heard from him.....(DUH...Im not suppose to). You're not being weak OR crazy by wanting to hear from him. That's perfectly natural so don't beat yourself up about it. I agree with NoraJane. You should be proud of yourself by what you have done so far. You know how it is....we want them to chase us. I wouldnt know anyway at this point right now since I dont have my cell phone and his email is blocked. These thoughts keep running in my head saying he has given up too and he dont care. See, for all you know he MAY have tried contacting you. I know how you feel. When I used to do the NC thing with exMM I was always sitting around waiting for him to call. It made me feel like I had the upper hand which in turn gave me more strength to deal with things. It's much harder now that he doesn't attempt to contact me!
Author 9Lives Posted June 17, 2007 Author Posted June 17, 2007 Here is my update He contacted me and we talked. He was angry cause he felt like he has not done anything and that he is doing the best he can do and that I was accusing him of stuff that was not even happening. He said he was tired as well. He said he doesnt want a girlfriend, a wife, because he is going thru financial issue, trying to start a new career, and when I get upset about what he says is nothing it just gets on his nerves. I told him we can break up. He was not really happy or sad. He was like okay. We had good bye sex....sorry guys but I wanted to as well. I dont feel bad, I feel relieved. He did not treat me bad but he is not enough for the things I want. All I hope is one day he is free and comes looking for me but I am trying not to count on that either. I just have to move on. Nothing else left to do.
Catharsis Posted June 17, 2007 Posted June 17, 2007 The fastest way I got over "my MM" (who was also my former college sweetheart, the man I had idolized for more than a decade) was to find out that he truly was a loser, a lying, manipulating serial cheater. I was instantly over him when I realized that the man he wanted everyone to believe he was never existed. He tells everyone what they want to hear and he has a bunch of unsuspecting young women fall for his lines and his fake "charm". All while his equally unsuspecting wife of 14 years has no clue about all of this and thinks he is the best husband anyone could wish for. Instant eye-opener - never looked back after gaining access to his emails. No contact whatsoever from me for almost a year and I don't miss the rat for a second.
Author 9Lives Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Catharsis That is great. I dont think it will be that easy for me though. I have the blues right now. I wanted him but he his not mine and he is never going to me mine. I would like to think there is a chance but I really dont believe it. I think because I dont want to have hope cause I'm scared. Even though I feel relieved, I still feel sad. Like Father's day...I wish we were celebrating together His birthday...that too. See these are my wishes. That is why I wanted to go away because I need to have these types of interaction with my OWN man. I love that kind of stuff. So it has been done for the good of the future.
PoshPrincess Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Even though I feel relieved, I still feel sad. Like Father's day...I wish we were celebrating together His birthday...that too. I totally understand that. My MM celebrated his 40th shortly after we split and it was HELL. I texted him to wish him happy birthday and we ended up speaking. Turns out he was waiting to hear from me but he'd told himself "If I haven't heard from her by lunchtime then I won't hear from her at all" so I was proud of myself that I had at least held off until the afternoon. Pathetic! I was SO gutted not to be with him on his 40th as not too many months before that I was convinced we would be together and was going to plan a surprise party for him, etc. Turns out his W did that instead. Quite rightly too but I was still totally gutted nonetheless. Still, this is part and parcel of being the OW, or exOW, hey? Best of luck. Thinking of you
Author 9Lives Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 hey PoshPrincess Thanks. I know this is right for me. I did it for me. This kind of R is not good and it is bring me down and I have no focus on anything else either. I just love him. I feel the pain of the loss and I want it to go away. I dont want to be with him while he is married. Plain and simple. He told me we are not getting anywhere. I agreed. I really dont think my mm was trying to hurt me or use me. Things just wasnt working out for us.
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