foundationshook Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 My story is much of the same with as every one elses. I feel my wife had an emotional affair i have pointed this out to her and used her own chat logs as to why i think that and how she has withdrawn from me. She is addicted to a sims type mmorpg i played with her few times. This is what she does day in and day out. She sees nothing wrong with the way she acts there and rules that had been under the impression that she aggreed to have been broken no voice chat no cyber no sharing of phone numbers and no sharing of pictures. all those have been violated. she comes at me like i am the monster she feels she has done nothing wrong and dismisses my view like it it petty. Dispite all this i am deeply hurt and untrusting i have forgiven her and told her that as well i got a look of what you forgive me. When we speak about real life issuess she does become hostial. I admit i had my problems i am not the greatest husban in the world, i am striving to be. We seperated for a few weeks because of a nasty fight and me getting so frustrated i gave an ulitmatum work on this marrage or get out. she left and feels it is my fault. is this all commen with guilt, i don't know are all these things. I think we have made a start though most of it is in that game is that a safe place for her? i am confused that is mostly. i know a lot of you have had more experance in this area as i am new i am woundering everything. i am scrutinizing all things. she is still in contact with that guy. i have made my own contact though he says he is not judgemential i can't help to wonder if the situation on every ones end is percived correctly. He tells me that he wish us luck and is rooting for it to work and says he is encouriging it but what i am just to accept all this at face value. this all is hard and dispite that i am calm and very caring and piece full towards her not that she is back i care for her i know i can live with out her but i don't want to live with out her. and yes he real life efforts are ackknowledged to her by me. She has warmmed up a bit. i think she should be the one pouring the efforts out and i feel i am pour all i have and barrowing from other places unknown to me.
Tomcat33 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Well for what it's worth here is my 2cents. You have something on her now as to why your rel is hitting a danger zone. She has developed an emtional tie with someone else and this is very dangerous. The fact that you feel she should be the only one who should be pouring herself into your rel. is the very reason she may not willing to try, she probably sees your faults in the rel. breakdown and the justification for her wandering eye (if indeed she has one and it appears she does given what you have said) is that you are not willing to contribute your part. You have two choices, you can either focus all your energy on expecting more from her giving little from your part because she is the one who is looking to cross the line, OR you can own up that what you feel was your share in the rel breakdown and by contributing your part see if you can birng her back to the ""safe" zone. help close the gap before it gets too late. I know it's hard to find out she is up to no good, but you might still be able to stop this from going too far. You can demand that she cut out all these cyber addictions, that is TOATALLY fair, but in turn you must also work on making it worthwhile for her to put the effort into you. I'm glad you at least recognize that the problems were there from both parts. If she sees you as a willing paricipant rather than an ogre scolding from the outside, she can wake up to the reality that you are definitely worth fighting for and keeping. It's not putting all the onis on you, it's taking responsibility for your share and hoping that through your leadership by example she can come on board with you. Once you have her on board there is pleny of time to reprimand her for her poor actions. hope that made sense
Woggle Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Why do you even want her. All she does is frustrate you.
Author foundationshook Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 i have owned up to my part i don't aree it is all my fault and i have not once heard an expression that she had fault with anything. It is all me in her view which i truly know is not that case . I don't mind what is said as it will help out hashing this whole confusing mess. Frustration is gone now, and i don't have any bitterness or anything just a truly unconditional love i fee her faults and i accept them . These are mistakes i have accepted that they have been down due to both of us.
Tomcat33 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 i have owned up to my part i don't aree it is all my fault and i have not once heard an expression that she had fault with anything. It is all me in her view which i truly know is not that case . I don't mind what is said as it will help out hashing this whole confusing mess. Frustration is gone now, and i don't have any bitterness or anything just a truly unconditional love i fee her faults and i accept them . These are mistakes i have accepted that they have been down due to both of us. No, no I was never implying it was all your fault, it simply cannot be. You are a partnership so you both bring 50% to the table to make your 100% rel. What I meant was rather than focus on what she is trying to do to escape the rel. focus on how you can both re-direct your attention back to getting on track. You by giving your half and her by giving hers. communication is crucial, so talk about what your needs are what needs are not being met and share how you could both work on that together to meet one another's needs. Go out and on a date, plan a date for the two of you and enjoy yourselves, take a break from life and try to interject some fun back into your union. sometimes having a good time together can be the trigger you need to help you look at what is worth working on. You know sort like how companies do team buidling activities before they spring on the new sales quotas for the following hectic quarter... Rel breakdowns boild down to that, unmet needs. Sometimes you are not doing what you can simply because you don't know what is expected of you. And "you"as in the general "you"not you particularly Foundation.
Author foundationshook Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 Right now she is a saty at home wife which is fine to me i have no problem wiether she wish to work or not. Due to our limited finaces we can not go out all the time. We set a side enought ot go out on one offical date a month. We went to a place that had jazz music this past week. We got there a bit early and some how she convieced me that we should go be for the band was playing. She is the one who likes jazz and i sought out something we had not done tha she liked, though it did make a point to her in my view because things have progressed quicker, then what they were before that date. I apperate the help, I also have taken an active role to make sure i justify her feelings. I do relize that there are some hard times where i have to just bear with the current situation and wade though the tough days, it does get discouraging, but i have to say it is easier when things pick up again. Which have been at least in the same day of the discouragement. i have taken another active role in this also i have asked if she wanted to do things to gether i.e walk the dog things like that, and i find i get more resastance from those things the an other. One thing i am greatfull for is trilas and tublate times if i had not delt with many i would not have the perservearance to go though this i would have given up a long time ago. Tomcat33 thank you for your advise and i was not meaning to take a gerlize ation personal.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Do a site search on the username Owl. (actually I will find you the link) His story is similar to yours, I think you could gain insight into how to handle your situation by reading his life story.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ There's the link, and if you look at owl's profile, you can find more threads by him that are helpful too.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 You two can go on walks together, a date doesn't always have to consist of spending money. Spending quality time together IS important. It's summertime and there's no need for her to be inside on a lovely evening. Sit outside together, have a coffee together, or some icecream. Is she going out of her way to understand YOUR feelings in all this? Seems you're doing alot of the bending here..Bottomline, she took advantage of your trust in her and now she needs to show you she can be trusted again. Yes, meeting her halfway is good, showing her that you DO love her, but she has to do the legwork as well.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 I have a theory: 1) If one partner raises some concerns about something they found that COULD suggest cheating by the other, and the other reacts defensively or in a hostile manner, dollars to donuts there IS something they've been hiding. 2) If the other reacts in a friendly manner and tries to actively reassure their partner, then chances are it's innocent or a misunderstanding. I'm sure this isn't a universal rule but it does accord with human nature.
Author foundationshook Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 I have a theory: 1) If one partner raises some concerns about something they found that COULD suggest cheating by the other, and the other reacts defensively or in a hostile manner, dollars to donuts there IS something they've been hiding. 2) If the other reacts in a friendly manner and tries to actively reassure their partner, then chances are it's innocent or a misunderstanding. I'm sure this isn't a universal rule but it does accord with human nature. That is human nature yes... *sighs* well i know one has stoped i just don't get how people can be so blind and selfish to the person they say they love. And to get cought and still deny circamstances were not what they were for example there was a set back recently... rules have been in place for some time about giving either ones phone number out, well it was given and when confronted with it it was said to be some oneelse of female gender... well the speaker was up a bit high and a male voice was on the other end. when checked and compaired to time on the phone bill this number is new and at the same time i was told it was some one elses, beening cell phone bill i know the location og the female which california california is not where the new number is from. It's dihearting to have this setback. I don't understand why i have an unconditional love for my wife, and yet to be walked on in a way.... yea i have been told because of fear of beening alone, thats one thing she told me. I don't fear that, how could i after haveing a marrage and still be alone. I wish i knew a way to get her to sit down and talk but every time i try i get avoidance " i don't feel like it, every thing has to be on your time." just like the suggestions i am getting excusses. How does one help there partner understand they need to take of their rose color glasses and accept their own behavors in the problem? I personal belive and i could be wrone it is her guilt triggering the anger and hostility. I had hoped to calm that with telling her when it happens i forgive her.I acknowledge her strides foward, and attempt to encourage her when there is a slip on her part. I applogise for the ones on my part, and i am unsure if they are recieved well, but i still do it, i tell her I love herafter anything bad, as well as any good moment. I try to renforce i love her small gestures. it all seems one side as of the past few days. I wish i could put a completly positive post.... things are not there i guess. how to conforntive with out seeming confrontational and accussing? Any normal person would have given up by now, yet i still fight, if i start to give up something isnside me kickes me,i wish knew how to straiten this out, wish i knew why i had such a desire to reconcile. i am stating ot wonder if all my efforts are pointless, yet i have a desire to try...is there a reasion to love some one so much that it covers all the hate and bitterness distrust one should be feling right now. After knowing what i need and knowing how easy it is to go out there and get it i could not do it to her. I need a woman's touch, support gentel caress, and love. Yet if i was given those by another i could not accept them. Now i am wondering what is wrong with me. I am a survive a fighter, and now i should prepair myself, and look for ways to let go. i am not certain, all i know is i would give my own place in heaven to secure hers. For the christians here at LS is that wrong? Is that unconditional love or is that just plain stupitidy.
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