Should I just accept this guy will be a primary friend?

[Brad_from_NJ]

Honestly, I know friends have been telling me to slow down the contact, don't call her. OK, been doing that. But she still calls my cell (twice today), even though we have so little to talk about, I don't know what to say.

 

I want to get this out in the open and get it over with...either she blows up and it's over or (hopefully) we can hash it all out and come to an understanding.

 

But I've been hitting the "ignore" button on my cell for three days now, sending her calls to voice mail. She hasn't left a message since yesterday.

 

I wish I knew what to say or do. I don't want to admit I snooped and found the calls and texts on her cell, but I want her to know that I know about these lies and deceptions, half-stories. What's up with that?

 

Comments?

[Cobra_X30]

The fact that she calls you twice a day is good. I would say talk to her. I would bet that she is already sensing a problem. I think your correct that if you tell her about your snooping she is going to get really mad... and then lose trust in you.

 

Ultimately your going to have to just come out and tell her what your grappling with. The longer you wait the tougher its going to be. Distance relationships are so tough.

 

You know she still has lots of contact with this guy. Just ask her about it point blank... if she lies then you will know it... call her on the lie. You should never have to explain how you know. If she asks, be coy... "That is not in question"... "please don't change the subject"... ect.

 

Honestly I just hope you find something that works!

[norajane]

Honestly, I know friends have been telling me to slow down the contact, don't call her. OK, been doing that. But she still calls my cell (twice today), even though we have so little to talk about, I don't know what to say.

 

I want to get this out in the open and get it over with...either she blows up and it's over or (hopefully) we can hash it all out and come to an understanding.

 

But I've been hitting the "ignore" button on my cell for three days now, sending her calls to voice mail. She hasn't left a message since yesterday.

 

I wish I knew what to say or do. I don't want to admit I snooped and found the calls and texts on her cell, but I want her to know that I know about these lies and deceptions, half-stories. What's up with that?

 

Comments?

 

Tell her that you care for her very much and have been looking forward to when you can finally move and have a real future together. However, her relationship with the other guy has been troubling you, that you believe she has been trying to minimize the extent of their relationship for the sake of avoiding conflict with you, and it's clear to you from her reaction to your questioning and how strongly she defends the relationship that she is closer to this man than you can be comfortable with.

 

Tell her that you are reconsidering whether you can really be involved with her when she relies on another man for companionship. And that you aren't comfortable planning the next steps in your relationship under the circumstances. And that you can't imagine she would be comfortable being with you when she knows how troubling this other relationship is to you.

 

Then, tell her you don't need her to explain or defend herself. Tell her you understand how strongly she feels about this issue and aren't going to ask her to change anything for you. BUT ask her to take some time and give some thought to how she would feel if you had the kind of relationship with a woman friend that she has with this guy. Ask her if she would truly feel comfortable knowing that there was another woman in your life that you were as close to as she is with him. And tell her that once she's had time to give that some thought, you'd like to hear her thoughts and you'll wait to make any final decisions about the relationship until then.

 

 

SHE knows how often she sees him and talks to him and how close they are. This way, she won't have to admit it to you, but she KNOWS and can consider how she'd really feel if the tables were turned. So by flipping it around on her, you put the ball in her court as to what she does about it while knowing that you won't stay with her unless something changes. She'll be forced to consider whether her love for you is more of a priority than her relationship with a MM. And is she comes back and says she wouldn't have a problem with you being that close to another woman, then YOU know she's not the woman for you.

[Cobra_X30]

Norajane,

 

Thats really, really good.

[2sunny]

Tell her that you care for her very much and have been looking forward to when you can finally move and have a real future together. However, her relationship with the other guy has been troubling you, that you believe she has been trying to minimize the extent of their relationship for the sake of avoiding conflict with you, and it's clear to you from her reaction to your questioning and how strongly she defends the relationship that she is closer to this man than you can be comfortable with.

 

Tell her that you are reconsidering whether you can really be involved with her when she relies on another man for companionship. And that you aren't comfortable planning the next steps in your relationship under the circumstances. And that you can't imagine she would be comfortable being with you when she knows how troubling this other relationship is to you.

 

Then, tell her you don't need her to explain or defend herself. Tell her you understand how strongly she feels about this issue and aren't going to ask her to change anything for you. BUT ask her to take some time and give some thought to how she would feel if you had the kind of relationship with a woman friend that she has with this guy. Ask her if she would truly feel comfortable knowing that there was another woman in your life that you were as close to as she is with him. And tell her that once she's had time to give that some thought, you'd like to hear her thoughts and you'll wait to make any final decisions about the relationship until then.

 

 

SHE knows how often she sees him and talks to him and how close they are. This way, she won't have to admit it to you, but she KNOWS and can consider how she'd really feel if the tables were turned. So by flipping it around on her, you put the ball in her court as to what she does about it while knowing that you won't stay with her unless something changes. She'll be forced to consider whether her love for you is more of a priority than her relationship with a MM. And is she comes back and says she wouldn't have a problem with you being that close to another woman, then YOU know she's not the woman for you.

 

good post! i agree wholeheartedly with this approach because:

 

the discounting of contact with this man bothers me

 

her reaction to you is to intimidate you and make the conversation go away... this is NOT a loving response to YOU - especially if she has your best interest in mind.

[Brad_from_NJ]

Thank you everyone for these well thought responses. They have been helpful in putting together my thoughts.

 

Well, I got some answers yesterday in our chat.

 

It started out calmly and friendly, but didn't end so nicely -- a typical outcome whenever we discuss this guy.

 

Here's what I learned:

1. She still won't answer direct questions about this guy

2. She enjoys having this particular guy as a friend, saying "women can be so catty"

3. She doesn't "see him in any romantic light whatsoever. We can talk about anything at all, and he is "just there"...and he likes baseball."

4. She says there are no issues in his marriage

5. Doesn't think what she is doing is inappropriate

6. Thinks that I am "checking" because she still believes "I left my wife for her -- and then wondering if I move to her area and then find out this may not work."

7. Her number one issue is she believes I left my wife for her and she cannot accept or handle that (even thought that is not the case).

 

She told me she was upset with this conversation. I apologized (and not sure why I said that), but explained I'm just trying to get information, so I can relax about the relationship with this guy and trying to calm my fears (which are could be blowing this whole thing out of proportion -- but wasn't).

 

I swore up and down that these issues with my wife were established long before she came back into my life. And I also told her that I cannot say any "magic words" that will change her feelings about that. I told her all I can do is remain true to my words, and my actions.

 

So, I told her (promised her) I will not raise this issue again. Period.

 

What I did not say to her was (but where my head is at right now is) that I meant that I'm no longer going to ask direct questions about this guy and the time spent with him.

 

It's now moved past that -- to the point where I need to decide if I can be involved in a "relationship" where I give 100% devotion and emotional energy, and which will likely never get reciprocated in full. And also need to decide whether I want to be in a relationship where I'll need to share her with another man. Another man she relies on for emotional support, someone to confide in and companionship. Because even if I were to move to her area today, next week or next year, these phone calls, emails, texts and going out socially with this other man will probably not stop.

 

After all, they are "just friends." Right?

 

.

[Sal Paradise]

She is bringing that crap up about your ex-wife so she can divert the discussion away from her and put the blame on you. That's cheater strategy 101.

 

The way she describes her relationship with the other man sounds like an emotional affair.

 

You shouldn't of apologized either. She is the cause of this not you. When she gets upset that you don't trust her you should tell her...

 

"If you didn't lie about this guy and if you were upfront there would be no reason for me not trust you."

 

You need to turn the tables on her any time she attempts to do it to you.

 

Stop being passive. You're allowing this to happen, don't stand for it! Don't feel guilty about snooping on her phone, you were justified.

 

 

It's time for you to either move down there so you can see whats going on or break up with her. She isn't going to change and you can't go through this crap for months or even years while you wait to move. Don't waste your time on a person who doesn't appreciate you.

[Cobra_X30]

Brad, Sal is spot on. She is just diverting it back to you when she throws that out. She may feel its all fine on her end but this guy wants her. Come on, You are a guy and you know exactly what this MM is thinking.

 

At this point I think you can see who is more important to her. If you two break up I think we will see her in a few months in the LoveShack OW section pining about how he wont leave his wife.

[Brad_from_NJ]

Cobra and Sal, you guys raise some very good points. After the mini-meltdown from her on the phone Sunday, I just played it cool and waited to see when she would call back.

 

Sure enough, my phone rang this morning. And she acted like nothing was wrong, very chatty, in a good mood and basically acted as if Sunday's episode never happened.

 

She then asked "so . . . are we OK?" I told her I have no idea, I'm still chewing over some things. She asked what I meant by that, and my response was pretty clear.

 

I told her "I need to decide if I can be involved in a "relationship" where I'm giving 100% and getting less than that in return...and at the same time, I'm being accused of being insecure & paranoid, when I believe my feelings are valid. And I'm not really "turned on" by the idea of sharing her, at least emotionally, with another man. And I'm still unsure if it's just this guy who is interested in her, or if they're both interested in each other. And I'll probably never get the real answer anyway."

 

Cricket noise.

 

She said you're right, she hasn't been fair. And then she said that more than anything else, she is scared. Scared this all might not work out, scared since she's truly on her own for the first time ever, and just a lot on her mind now that the divorce is final.

 

I told her I didn't plan on raining on her parade, but this whole relationship thing between us is going to be a work in process.

 

She tried to conclude things by saying, "it does look bad on the surface. But nothing is going on. And, give her time, I hear where you are coming from, I'll be more sensitive to all this going forward."

 

I said, "that's fine, but I'm still unsure that this is all going to work. We'll just have to see."

 

I'll keep you posted.

[Aloros]

Good for you! You stood your ground, and she knows exactly how you feel on the matter. The ball's in her court now.

[Cobra_X30]

WOW, Score 1 for Brad!

 

You were Sincere, Honest, and Firm. Plus it seems like she is really interested in making this work but is afraid to take the risk.

 

Do you think she is starting to understand where you are coming or is she still thinking your insecure? I understand her bieng risk adverse... but you are going to take the greater share of that risk by moving. I think she should give you something to believe in... something to say she thinks you are worth taking the risk.

[norajane]

She said you're right, she hasn't been fair. And then she said that more than anything else, she is scared. Scared this all might not work out, scared since she's truly on her own for the first time ever, and just a lot on her mind now that the divorce is final.

 

Brad, you did great!!!

 

As for her being scared, sorry, but glomming onto some married man isn't going to help her stand on her own two feet.

[Brad_from_NJ]

If you've been following the thread this far, here is an update.

 

She called me again yesterday (Friday) but I didn't take the call. She called again this morning, and again I just ignored it. Both times she just hung up without leaving a message for me.

 

I'm not trying to play games with her, I really am just tired of the entire thing. Like some of you have pointed out, I believe I'm taking enormous risks and undergoing major change (like uprooting my life to move to another part of the country) to be with her.

 

I'm unsure she will change, or at least recognize that I had/have some real issues with this whole relationship. And this guy is really only a "symptom" of underlying issues. Reading through this thread (and reading what I've written myself) over the last few days and weeks, has me feeling like I'm on the emotional roller coaster. Which I have zero interest in.

 

And I'm glad I had some new friends (you guys) to chime in with your two cents. Whether I took it or not, and whether it's good advice or not (we won't know, right?), it has been appreciated.

 

I will keep you posted. Thanks again.

[Brad_from_NJ]

Hey all, just another update. Still confused!

 

 

I'm trying to become disconnected from all of this. Or less connected. She says she wants to slow down the intensity of this relationship. That seemed to have lasted just a few days. This is like a bad TV show now.

 

 

She called me Sunday (talked about 20 mins, nothing too deep, you know, "surface chat"), then she sent me a few texts Monday, and she called me again to say hello Tuesday morning. This is slowing down?

 

 

Then, yesterday, Wednesday, called me at lunchtime from work. She has never done that. Call was cut short -- she was paged. Called me again on her way out of work (I was on the phone, still @ work, couldn't talk). Then she called me again, just 45 minutes later, on my way to my kid's practice. Told her I couldn't talk -- was about to start practice (said she forgot I've been holding practice every day last 2 wks...).

 

 

And then it dawned on me, "hey...she just called me three times in one afternoon!" So I called her right back (during practice) -- and said, "you've called me 3 times this afternoon...is everything OK? She said she just wanted to say hello. Oh. I said I'll call later to catch up. She said "OK, but I'm going out with my girlfriend, going over to the pub to check out this new band, so I'll be out between 8 & 10."

 

 

Now. I know that bands that play at this pub don't start until 9:30 (on weekends at least). And they usually don't have bands playing on a Wednesday night anyway. So, I called the bar around midnight, and asked "Hey...what was the name of that band that played tonight?" And the bartender said "Band? You mean that one guy with the guitar? That was Larry so-and-so."

 

 

I feel like I'm the one getting played like a guitar lately. I'm concluding she called me 3X yesterday cause -- either she wouldn't be able to talk last night -- or won't be "available" tonight or tomorrow. Just my hunch. Is that just my possibly inflated ego talking?

 

 

So, this is slowing down the intensity of this relationship? Why not say she just wants to be in "control" of this relationship? I'm reluctant to ask her anything (including "how was your day?") because (she recently said) I make her feel sometimes like I interrogate her and make her feel like she needs to account for her whereabouts. And at no point (recently) have either of us brought up our feelings or emotions.

 

 

Am I crazy? Fire away with your comments!

[Bryanp]

Brad,

 

Why don't you ask her how she liked the band? If she lies to you then you know it is time to move on and find someone who can respect you. Good Luck.

[Cobra_X30]

Brad,

 

At this point I am just going to validate your feelings. She sounds sooo sketchy. Its almost like she is too dense to understand your message. Does she think your an idiot? If she was honest and straight forward with you then you wouldnt feel the need to ask her those type of questions. Put that back on her... cause she acts real shady, and she needs to realize it.

[bish]

Most of these guys report into a board of directors, so its not that simple. If they like him it can just be ignored. .

 

Not if they have a smart board. The whole reason for firing someone in a superior position who is flogging a subordinate is to keep a sexual harrassment lawsuit from happening.

 

Where I work that is exactly what happens. Even though it was concensual and the woman had no intention of bringing a harrassment suit, they had to fire the supervisor anyway to cover their tracks in case she got a burr up her ass to complain.

[Suede O'Nim]

To quote Monty Python...

 

"Run away! Run away!"

 

I'm a jerk for saying it since I am not invested with your feelings, but getting out of a marriage and into a relationship this complex is just bad news. Tell her that it's just too complicated and it's best to end it now before you both get more hurt. It doesn't matter if she's lying. Tell her you believe her if she wants to hear that. It's just not good for you.

[Seen_It_All]

Well, I read all 3 pages of this thread and there are SO MANY red flags waving that I can no longer see the keyboard. Do not move to where she's living. That would be the biggest WASTE of your time and effort. I can't remember if you said you have a great job waiting for you out there and that the career move would be worth it alone, but if it's not, DON'T GO.

 

Seems to me her married boyfriend (and that's what he is) has himself a curfew with wifey - guess he can only stay out til 10:00 PM before his wife sends the marriage police out looking for him. What a crock of sh*t that story was about she and her girlfriend going to see a band at the local pub. But then again, you KNOW it was a crock because you called about the supposed band that was supposedly appearing there and FOUND OUT it was a crock of sh*t.

 

Hey Brad - if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck...it's a duck. It's not you being paranoid, it's not you having an deflated ego, it's NOT YOU doing anything. It's her LYING and GAS-LIGHTING that's got you doubting everything and questioning your sanity. Stop it. Now.

 

It's quite clear she's involved with this creep and I'd guarantee you his wife has NO CLUE about his so-called "lady buddy" from work. NO CLUE WHATSOEVER.

 

First, I'd dump her a*ss so hard her head would spin. Secondly, I'd send an anonymous letter to his WIFE from a 'concerned co-worker at the hospital' who thinks she should know about his 'friendship' with Susie or whatever the he*ll her name is. Let's see how much of a 'friend' she is when he actually stands to lose his wife and family. REALITY has a funny way of making people re-prioritize what's important to them, and your girlfriend will simply become yet another notch in this jerk's belt of probably a LONG history of many.

 

I wouldn't trust her to walk my DOG much less invest a future in this woman.

[Brad_from_NJ]

Ok, Seen_it_all . . . (and others) . . . do I confront her with all these lies and stories and everything (is that the "guy" wanting to have the last word on this) . . . or do I just run, as some have suggested?

 

Should I have a poll for this?

 

Seen-it-all, thank you for your direct response. Wow!

[PinkAngelStar]

I've just read the whole thread, starting from the beginning with this guys friendship. She might talk about it, but she's leaving out details. Why does she feel so uncomfortable about talking about it? Perhaps it's because she knows that what she is doing is wrong. Even if they're not sleeping together, there's definatly a connection between them or some tension. Friends don't call and text all the time, certainly not as much as he's been texting her. Another question I ask is why haven't you met him? Do you ever meet her friends? If you haven't met him, I ask why not. Surely being in a relationship you meet each others friends.

 

I have been in this situation though, but as the girl. Horrible I know, but you soon learn. I was with a guy in a long distance relationship, didn't see much of each other because it was hard, I met another guy, who I called my friend, as that's all it was. We started texting loads, and there's was obviously something more than "just friends" which I kept telling my boyfriend at the time that's all it was. I never had a physical relationship with this friend, but emotionally I was. It was nice to have affection when my bf wasn't around, and it was very selfish and disrespectful of me. I don't know why I didn't face up to the truth at the time. Me and my "friend" used to go out a lot, have a really good time, my boyfriend would call me up, and get angry that I was seeing him again. When my boyfriend asked questions I told him that nothing was happening, but if he persued asking questions, I got angry and didn't like it. It caused many problems. In the end I called one night, and he was out with a friend who was a girl, of course, I was very upset, and I realised how it must of felt. Really took a shock to me. We ended up splitting up anyway, but soon after I had a sexual relationship with "my friend", which lasted all of 5 minutes because it wasn't what I wanted anymore. Basically what I'm saying is she's in denial, even with herself.

 

Sorry I've gone on. Personally I believe you should leave her. If she really cared about you and her friendship she'd do anything to make you feel at ease with him, and understand.

[Brad_from_NJ]

Wow, PinkAngelStar, this is PRECISELY what I feel is happening here! I felt very weird reading your post. This is amazingly similar.

 

I have not met this friend. And I don't think I'm going to be introduced to him anytime soon. My next trip down to see her WOULD likely be September (we've been taking turns visiting each other every 4-6 weeks). But the last time would have been a perfect opportunity.

 

I just don't think there's going to be a "next trip."

 

She mentioned this morning that she will be going out for drinks after work today, "with friends from work." I really WANT to believe her BS, but I have strong suspicion I know what "friends from work" means. And it COULD be innocent, but that seed of doubt has been planted in my head.

 

I just can't believe (ok, won't believe) she acts as if nothing is wrong, as would treat someone (me!) so poorly. What the heck did I ever do to be treated this way? As mentioned elsewhere, just because she's not sleeping with this man (and when she gets agitated with my questions, she reminds me that he's married, and nothing has happened -- like being married would stop them), so it's all OK. OK with her, that is.

 

She has successfully created the illusion that they are merely friends and it's all harmless.

 

The feelings your BF had are precisely what I've experienced, the anger and frustration you'd feel being questioned are precisely what she goes through. It was a real eye-opener reading your post. Thank you for sharing with me!

 

It just kills me. That's all. I feel burned. I can't really see a positive outcome any longer with the direction this has gone the last few weeks. I know I've got far more emotionally invested than her at this point. Really, I'd like some straight answers, but don't think I'll ever get any. I want to be nice and just try to find a way to end this chapter gracefully.

 

Yuck. I'm not normally like this!

[PinkAngelStar]

Wow, PinkAngelStar, this is PRECISELY what I feel is happening here! I felt very weird reading your post. This is amazingly similar.

 

I have not met this friend. And I don't think I'm going to be introduced to him anytime soon. My next trip down to see her WOULD likely be September (we've been taking turns visiting each other every 4-6 weeks). But the last time would have been a perfect opportunity.

 

I just don't think there's going to be a "next trip."

 

She mentioned this morning that she will be going out for drinks after work today, "with friends from work." I really WANT to believe her BS, but I have strong suspicion I know what "friends from work" means. And it COULD be innocent, but that seed of doubt has been planted in my head.

 

I just can't believe (ok, won't believe) she acts as if nothing is wrong, as would treat someone (me!) so poorly. What the heck did I ever do to be treated this way? As mentioned elsewhere, just because she's not sleeping with this man (and when she gets agitated with my questions, she reminds me that he's married, and nothing has happened -- like being married would stop them), so it's all OK. OK with her, that is.

 

She has successfully created the illusion that they are merely friends and it's all harmless.

 

The feelings your BF had are precisely what I've experienced, the anger and frustration you'd feel being questioned are precisely what she goes through. It was a real eye-opener reading your post. Thank you for sharing with me!

 

It just kills me. That's all. I feel burned. I can't really see a positive outcome any longer with the direction this has gone the last few weeks. I know I've got far more emotionally invested than her at this point. Really, I'd like some straight answers, but don't think I'll ever get any. I want to be nice and just try to find a way to end this chapter gracefully.

 

Yuck. I'm not normally like this!

 

Thanks, sometimes it's nice to understand that someone else has felt what you're feeling and gone through a similar situation.

 

You asked "What did I do to deserve this?"

 

Nothing. My BF never did anything wrong to me, at all. It was purely the distance, some comfort. Perhaps she's a very emotional and needy person, someone that must like attention and to feel wanted. I'm not saying you don't make her feel that way, but as you're in a LDR it's very hard. There's only so much comfort you can provide over the phone, I hope you're catching my drift as I'm not trying to say you've done anything wrong, just trying to explain why she might be acting this way, but it's NO excuse.

 

Agree when once a seed of doubt is planted, it's very hard. It doesn't help how vague she is about the whole "friends thing". To help you understand the friendship that she obviously wants to have she should be explaining things, this is even harder when you don't get to see her too so she should make more of an effort to do so.

 

She hasn't successfully created the illusion they're just friends, in the back of your mind, you doubt they are, or maybe in some respects you want to believe they are, but finding it increasingly differcult when she's so vague about him. Just because she's not sleeping with him, the emotions may still be there, even if it's just one sided? I feel that is worse, and hurts more.

 

I feel that because you're not getting straight answers, the more frustrating it becomes and that's where it hurts more. She's not being fair and respecting your feelings, it seems she's trying to make you feel guilty by saying "If he didn't have a penis you would be ok?". By trying to make you feel bad, and it seems she's closing you into a corner and making you feel irrational so she can carry on seeing this guy without you having a valid reason to be upset about it. YOU DO HAVE A VALID REASON.

 

Does this guy even know about you? If he doesn't, then that's even more worrying. Have you suggested perhaps getting friends together and inviting him too to see what she says?

 

My boyfriend at this time became more distant, probably because he was hurt. I was going out having fun with this guy, and when my bf would call me, he knew that the other guy was there and he said it made him feel replaced, like I had a boyfriend here, and he was just a 2nd boyfriend who filled in when he wasn't about. I was vague, I didn't like to give too much away, and because I did feel guilty for what I was doing I got annoyed, me and my boyfriend had so many arguments about it. I seemed to like the attention, I know it sounds awful, and I resent what I did 100%.

 

Have you spoken to her?

[Brad_from_NJ]

My boyfriend at this time became more distant, probably because he was hurt. I was going out having fun with this guy, and when my bf would call me, he knew that the other guy was there and he said it made him feel replaced, like I had a boyfriend here, and he was just a 2nd boyfriend who filled in when he wasn't about. I was vague, I didn't like to give too much away, and because I did feel guilty for what I was doing I got annoyed, me and my boyfriend had so many arguments about it. I seemed to like the attention, I know it sounds awful, and I resent what I did 100%.

 

Have you spoken to her?

We have talked, but the contact these days is much less than ever. This past weekend was the first weekend we have not spoken at all. Like a puppy, I called her 7:45 Monday morning, just "to say hi."

 

And it's all "surface chat" ...what am I up to, how are the kids, what's new, blah blah blah. Nothing substantial. Every single time I start asking about this guy, she gets ultra-defensive. Every single time! And in our last conversation (that wasn't small talk), she said she feels like "I interrogate her and make her account for her where-abouts!" I was pretty offended by that.

 

Funny thing though, when we spoke yesterday morning, she started volunteering information (without any question raised by me) to account for her where-abouts this past weekend, telling me step-by-step what happened this weekend: who she was with, what she did, where she went.

 

I just kept saying "that's nice," since it could all be untrue anyway. Isn't that terrible?

 

After our nice friendly chat yesterday, I sent her this email:

You know I'm kind of nervous about calling you.

Hope you didn't think I was calling to interrogate you, or make you account for your where-abouts.

I really like talking with you, you're important to me. What I didn't say, but wanted to say: I miss you.

 

There was no reply to that email. Also sent her a text last night, about the ballgame, but again, no reply.

 

It's weird. When I talk on the phone with her, it's usually positive and friendly (except when asking about this guy ... or I suppose when she thinks I'm interrogating!). And she has been on the level about everything else...I've (ashamedly) checked facts on things she has told me the past few weeks. But she is unresponsive to emails, texts, etc. The little devil on my shoulder says she can't respond to my messages because she is too busy responding to his messages! I want to believe she's being foggy regarding this guy, and on the level with everything else. Maybe I'm just wanting to believe that. Ugh!

 

I suppose it's easy for 3rd party observers to see facts as they are laid out. Which is why I post here...a different view than what I'm seeing. I just am so wrapped up in this on a daily basis, and have become so emotionally invested, which bothers me. I'm less rational and level-headed these days, which can be unattractive.

 

I'm trying NOT to call her, I was weak yesterday. And I've been sending many of her calls to voice mail the past few weeks. I just hate this.

 

Pink, this is truly the only area we argue about, but it is a major issue to me, as it seems it was for your boyfriend. And you are right, the vague answers, the defensive posture and such only fuel more doubt in my head.

 

Thanks again for the opinions and advice.

[PinkAngelStar]

When you say you've checked the facts of what she's been up to, what do you mean? What did you find?

 

It's not a good sign if she's lying about her whereabouts, there's no need for it at all is there?

 

I know it must be hard to not ask, my boyfriend asked all the time, but often came out with snide comments too which I guess showed his jealousy. I'm sure he felt left out and helpless being so far away, like he should be the one taking me out and making me laugh. That's why LDR are so hard on both parties.

 

Have you tried asking or explaining how she would feel in the same situation?