hotgurl Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I need some advice. My BF recently started looking up old High School classmates. Fine no problem. Well he emailed this girl he went to HS with and later called her. Still fine no problem. I asked him casually is this was the girl he used to dats. I saw her pict in his yearbook and he said no just a friend. Well come to find out he lied he took this girl's virginity. I am so angry he lied! She lives in cali and I have no problem with them talking etc.. as she is married with kids. But I am so pissed he lied. He also called her while I was in bed and never mentioned talking to her until I asked who he was on the phone with. And that's when he told me about looking up old classmates. What should I do?
JadeStar Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Oh I'm sorry to hear that hotgurl. Did you ask him why he lied about this girl being just a friend he used to know?
laRubiaBonita Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 i would be super pissed as well, especially the fact that he lied about it. Yes, Omitting the truth is lying as well. and just the fact that he IS hiding would make me suspect of any of his actions..... but then again i have been burned by an ex, who did these exact same things, only his ex lived an hour or so away, and they had planned on meeting up- which i found out about before it happened. come to think about it, he met up with an old ex before the second incedent... i found out about that one later, he claims it was with a group of friends though..... f**king cheater
Author hotgurl Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 I am so pissed too. I found last night at 12am and he was sleeping he has had a 102 temp all weekend. I don't know how to bring it up. I am so angry! And I'll know he'll just say he lied because I am jealous. I had one jealousy issue with a friend of his (woman) and I felt it was more than what he was telling me. I have also had issues with BF & lieing so it is a really sore point for me. what should I do? I accidently saw an email from her that's how I found out. I don't think he ever would have mentioned her except that I overheard thier call.
justpassingthrough Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 So he didn't tell the truth and you expect he's going to blame his behavior on you? No. He's wrong, not you.
laRubiaBonita Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I am so pissed too. I found last night at 12am and he was sleeping he has had a 102 temp all weekend. I don't know how to bring it up. I am so angry! And I'll know he'll just say he lied because I am jealous. I had one jealousy issue with a friend of his (woman) and I felt it was more than what he was telling me. I have also had issues with BF & lieing so it is a really sore point for me. what should I do? I accidently saw an email from her that's how I found out. I don't think he ever would have mentioned her except that I overheard thier call. well when i found out, i think i said something like "i hope you do not mind, but me and so&so.... my old HS sweetheart,. well we met up for drinks the other day. i was going to tell you before hand, but i did not want you to get jealous...." but i get super sarcastic, and that is just my passive aggresive way to throw it back in his face first.
Author hotgurl Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 well when i found out, i think i said something like "i hope you do not mind, but me and so&so.... my old HS sweetheart,. well we met up for drinks the other day. i was going to tell you before hand, but i did not want you to get jealous...." but i get super sarcastic, and that is just my passive aggresive way to throw it back in his face first. I am the same way. I just think it is helpful. Also he is sick so he'll say I can't beleive you're bringing this up I have 102 temp for 2 days blah blah. Plus I don't want to get into a fight in front of my daughter. guys suck sometimes!
JackJack Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I have also had issues with BF & lieing so it is a really sore point for me. Are you meaning other b/f's in the past or this current b/f you have had issues with lying? I would just call him on it, and see what he has to say. Sure he'll probably say he thought you would be jealous and thats why he didn't tell you. If thats the case, and what he says, then you'll have to decide what it is you are willing and not willing to tolerate with this email, other girl and him lying.
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Yes, I would be pissed off too, you have every right to feel this way. There was no reason to for them to talk on the phone! A hello, this is what's going on in my life now etc, how are you, blah blah blah, should have been good enough. To call without discussing with you first was disrespectful and rude of him seeing as he took her virginity and she wasn't 'just a buddy/friend' from highschool. Wait till he's feeling better and then talk to him. No point in discussing anything when he's sick. To be honest, it's not really fair to him, even though he does deserve a swift kick in the butt!
Poboy Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 so he had sex with this girl back then but did he date her or was it a one time thing ? just let him know that you are not comfortable with all the behind the back stuff and he'll get the point
Author hotgurl Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 I have also had issues with BF & lieing so it is a really sore point for me. Are you meaning other b/f's in the past or this current b/f you have had issues with lying? I would just call him on it, and see what he has to say. Sure he'll probably say he thought you would be jealous and thats why he didn't tell you. If thats the case, and what he says, then you'll have to decide what it is you are willing and not willing to tolerate with this email, other girl and him lying. I have had issue with past BF lying not him. WEll one time he was omitting details. So I did talk to him it was totally usless. I brought it up casually and he said no she was just a friend and than I like well did you do anything? He said no and his lip was twicthing (his tell) and than I said well if you have sex with someone you are not just friends. He said it was a one time thing and they didn't date and it was 30 years ago blah blah blah. Than he said you have had sex with friends etc.. Plus what about that guy that called you. I had an old HS friend look me up. Which I told him all about before I called this guy back. And we never slept together. But if I did I would have told my BF. So anyways he missed the whole point it was not that I cared about them sleeping together it was about him disclosing the info upfront. Than he said well I didn't lie we were just friends. And I said you lied by omission because you knew why I was asking and you kept an important piece of info to yourself. And I asked him how he would feel if the situatio was reversed and he started hedgeing. The whole convo was totally useless.
JackJack Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Did he say WHY he even called her or got in touch with her? Especially if this was a person he didn't really have a "relationship" with. Sleeping with someone doesn't qualify as having a relationship. I had a highschool sweetheart get in touch with my folks one time, they told her I was engaged (at the time) and I had moved. They told me she had called, but I didn't bother calling her back, I saw no point. That was then this is now, so I guess I never really understood why someone would get back in touch with someone after all those years and time had passed, but thats just me.
a4a Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Utter BS. Did you ask why he felt the urge to look up his old sex partner? Then to lie about it. Shame on him. I will never understand why people have the need to do this. I just don't get it. Perhaps he could put that energy into fixing up the house you reside in instead and putting the money for toll calls into a new household appliance? Sorry he was a inconsiderate lying dork to you.
Author hotgurl Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 Utter BS. Did you ask why he felt the urge to look up his old sex partner? Then to lie about it. Shame on him. I will never understand why people have the need to do this. I just don't get it. Perhaps he could put that energy into fixing up the house you reside in instead and putting the money for toll calls into a new household appliance? Sorry he was a inconsiderate lying dork to you. I don't know why he looked her up. HE started looking up a bunch of people from HS. The had an alumni event last month so maybe he thought why not. But why couldn't he just say I am sorry I didn't tell you it was wrong I won't do it again. Like I said it doesn't bother me that his is looking people up. It the withholding of info. And he has done this once before. But if I did the **** would hit the fan. dork
a4a Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Did he apologize for not taking your feelings into consideration? - the call and the lies. This reminds me when my H finally told off his stalker X. Ignoring her did not work. I have ignored those that contacted me as well..... wth do I want to chat with them for? I have many new friends in my life, no need to discuss the past with a person who doesn't mean a thing to me. Just not nostalgic I guess. Chatting with old flames can open a can of worms down the road for both parties. Really why even go down this road - it serves no purpose and certainly has more negatives than positives. Likely they have nothing in common but a brief relationship in teen years..... really no point in contacting them. IMHO. Wonder if the Cali woman's husband knows she is chatting with her deflowering friend? How many other phone conversations/emails has he had with Old Friends?
princssangl0204 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 To be honest I don't think the details of if he slept with her just one time or if it was a relationship is at all the issue at hand. What you should be dealing with is why he lied and what it means for you. Are you overly jealous? If he was honest with you would you have flown off the handle?? I am not excusing his lying or blaming it on you but I think it is important to know why people react to you the way they do..... Do you give him reason not to want to tell you things or do you honestly think there is more to the situation? I would say I would confront him about the lying and if his response isn't something that sits will with you maybe you should reevaluate your relationship and decided if this is something your willing to tolerate or not. If there are trust issues in the relationship you can either work on them or move on it is that simple.
Author hotgurl Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 Did he apologize for not taking your feelings into consideration? - the call and the lies. This reminds me when my H finally told off his stalker X. Ignoring her did not work. I have ignored those that contacted me as well..... wth do I want to chat with them for? I have many new friends in my life, no need to discuss the past with a person who doesn't mean a thing to me. Just not nostalgic I guess. Chatting with old flames can open a can of worms down the road for both parties. Really why even go down this road - it serves no purpose and certainly has more negatives than positives. Likely they have nothing in common but a brief relationship in teen years..... really no point in contacting them. IMHO. Wonder if the Cali woman's husband knows she is chatting with her deflowering friend? How many other phone conversations/emails has he had with Old Friends? I don't know how many people he has contacted. when i asked him about ti he said no I dated the other girl xxx but not xxx. Other girl? What other girl? he seem sto have no problem not telling me things.
Author hotgurl Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 To be honest I don't think the details of if he slept with her just one time or if it was a relationship is at all the issue at hand. What you should be dealing with is why he lied and what it means for you. Are you overly jealous? If he was honest with you would you have flown off the handle?? I am not excusing his lying or blaming it on you but I think it is important to know why people react to you the way they do..... Do you give him reason not to want to tell you things or do you honestly think there is more to the situation? I would say I would confront him about the lying and if his response isn't something that sits will with you maybe you should reevaluate your relationship and decided if this is something your willing to tolerate or not. If there are trust issues in the relationship you can either work on them or move on it is that simple. I was trying to focus on the lying he borught up that it was a one time thing. I guess to make me feel better. There was this one incident where I was jealous but it was because of him no telling me things. He had this firend who is a woman and is schizophrenic. when we first started dating she was his freind and when I went over to his apartment he had women's bath products and magazine and I thought he was dating someone else as well. He said it was her stuff and that her shower broke. But I never meet her and finally he told me she was schizophrenic. I asked if that had a relationship and slept together. He said no but I never really bought it. Why would you befriend a schizopjhrenic off her meds. Well after that I was not thrilled with thier firendship and thought he was hanging out with her. I was wrong her kept seeing her but didn't tell me because I would get upset. So he does hid info when it suits him. I don't know if I had mroe $$ I might leave.
princssangl0204 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 it sounds to me that your in a relationship you don't want to be in and you trying to talk yourself out of leaving it. If you not happy and don't don't think you both are willing to put effort into making the relationship work then you need to put on your walking shoes. you teach people how to treat you and you have thought him it is ok to be deceitful to you because from what I am reading there have been no real consequences for his behavior. get a back bone and stand up for yourself. You deserve to be treated better weather it is from him or someone else. Just my 2 cents
PandorasBox Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 So he does hid info when it suits him. I don't know if I had mroe $$ I might leave. He seems to not have any problem with hiding things from you, or at least leaving out important details of things. I think that would speak volumes to me. I guess its all in what you feel you can and can not put up with. Hope it all works out for you.
Author hotgurl Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 So he does hid info when it suits him. I don't know if I had mroe $$ I might leave. He seems to not have any problem with hiding things from you, or at least leaving out important details of things. I think that would speak volumes to me. I guess its all in what you feel you can and can not put up with. Hope it all works out for you. I don't know right now I feel tired. I've had insomina for two weeks and before that migraines. so in a way i just don't care right now to put effort into anything. I am glad I am going home on vacation just my daughter and I. It is more complicated we have been together 6 years own a house together. And he is like a father for my daughter. He goes to her palys helps with homework etc...He has always been there for her. and me when I needed him. He is the only father she has ever known so how can I just take that away from her? In six years I have only seen two incidents of this behavior in him. But two is enough. It is just this combined with a general apathy that has seeped into the relationship on my part has me feeling that I don't want to try. Part of this is me and my general mood and part of it is him and his actions. So I have to figure out what is next.
PandorasBox Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 He is the only father she has ever known so how can I just take that away from her? I understand what you're saying. If he is a good father figure and b/f to you then its understandable your hesitation on the matter. How about suggesting something like couples counseling on the issue of him not being able to feel he can be honest with you on certain things. Perhaps some kind of counseling might help?
Author hotgurl Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 He is the only father she has ever known so how can I just take that away from her? I understand what you're saying. If he is a good father figure and b/f to you then its understandable your hesitation on the matter. How about suggesting something like couples counseling on the issue of him not being able to feel he can be honest with you on certain things. Perhaps some kind of counseling might help? I don't know he is a typical don't talk kinda guy. I spoke about it to him again briefly and he wasn't getting it. He said it was thirty years ago and I said know that is not what I am upset about it about how when it suits you you withhold information from me. What if I was hiding stuff from you? He said fine I am sorry. nothing like a half a$$ apology. He is smart so I wonder if he is truly not getting it or not getting it on purpose.
a4a Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 his feelings for this girl may have been 30 years ago, but your feelings are hurt right now. he doesn't want to get it......... and he probably won't. lack of empathy- goes with your previous posts about him. and why are you not married again?
PandorasBox Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 He said it was thirty years ago See this is what I don't get and sounds like a justification on his part. Since it was 30 years ago, like he says, then why would he feel the need to call or be intouch with someone from 30 years ago? He called her, he had no problem with the fact it was "30 years ago" when he called her until you found out and called him out on it, now all of a sudden his response is, "it was 30 years ago." and expects you to drop it.
Recommended Posts