No one to turn to.

[Shades of Grey]

I met my MM when i was in my twenties and he worked at the company where I was employed. At the time I was preparing to work abroad for a period of time and he pursued me relentlessly. I was going through a difficult time and in desperate need of the attention he lavished on me despite and everything I stood for I fell for him and we began a relationship. He is quite a bit older than me.

 

I never thought it would go anywhere but in the time that I was away he wrote to me every day and basically got me through a very difficult experience. When I came back I fell madly in love with him.

 

I have always struggled with the fact that he was married and asked endless questions. I know that he has never been faithful to his wife and he always claimed that whilst he was fond of her and respected her and she was a great mum he never felt that he has been truly in love with her. He says that when they married he was in his mid thirties, was desperate to settle down and have children and at the time although he had doubts about his true feelings for her he knew she would be a good wife and a great mum and felt that he could be happy. Looking back he feels he compromised too much but they now have children together who he adores. Apart from this they led pretty separate lives except for where the children were concerned. I know this is true because of the amount of time he spent with me.

 

Over the past 3 and a half years our relationship has been so passionate and intense, we have shared everything and he constantly told me I was the love of his life and that he couldn't bear to ever lose me. We couldn't have been closer. We spend every second we could together, there is literally nothing he wouldn't do for me and he is the only person who knows everything about me and I love him so so much.

 

I have gone through so much to be with him, not a single one of my friends knows about our relationship and I have had a lot of heartache trying to live in this bubble we have created. We have had a lot of ups and downs about the situation and the future, each one got harder to deal with.

 

I have never encouraged him to leave his wife but I guess I did make him see that he couldn't continue to have it all. That if he couldn't see a future being faithful to his wife then he needed to address it because to continue the way he was, was so harmful to everyone involved.

 

He tried to talk to his wife for over a year about how he felt. She is a very strong willed woman and refused to listen to anything he had to say or how he felt, consistently telling him that he couldn't leave and they would work things out. Eventually he ended up telling her everything about all his affairs and about me. She still maintained that she wanted him back and they could work through it but 6 months ago he left for a trial separation.

 

The past year she has tried everything imaginable to get him to come back. In particular she uses blackmail and tries to use the children against him. She has threatened to take them away and says that he will never see them. She has threatened to tell them about me because they deserve to know the truth. (his eldest is 10) she has threatened to financially ruin him. He claims that she can't bear the thought of having a failed marriage as opposed to wanting him back as a husband. Part of me can understand that she wants to keep her family together and the feelings surrounded that have made the situation even harder to bear.

 

We have continued to see each other and I have tried so hard to be supportive and encouraging. I always maintained that if I was a one off affair and he realized his mistake and felt that he still loved his wife then he should go back despite the pain it caused me. He insists that he can't ever envisage feeling that way about her because the love on that level has never actually been there. However the thought of his children and all of the hurt caused to them and all of the difficulty in making a new life for himself has always seemed to him to be too hard.

 

Last week he decided to go home he said he feels that he needs to make the sacrifice for the sake of his children.

 

Since then he has just cut off all contact with me. Despite the fact that right up until the day he said he was going home he was still desperately in love with me.

 

What is hardest to deal with is that he has agreed with me that if she had compromised and agreed to put the children's best interests first and allowed them to separate with minimal animosity then that is what he would have done. I also know that if he had the financial ability to easily set up a new life for himself his decision would have been again different.

 

I feel as though he is making his choice on the basis of being scared of his wife and too weak to get what he really wants from his life. He admits this but says its for the best. What does this say about his feelings for me? I know he loves his children, but he knows i would do anything to help him create a life with them as the crux of it and that they would always come first. I don't understand how he can agree to live the rest of his life with someone he does not love when we have what we have.

 

I just feel so desperate I don't know what to do. I feel as though I have lost everything and I can't envisage a future without him. I think i have steadily become quite depressed over the past few years anyway as a result of hiding this enormous secret from everyone I know and the constant feelings that he would leave me.

 

I know everyone says that time heals but right now I don't even feel as though I want it to. I am an intelligent person I know that I will meet someone else in the future and I know that everyone will say someone who deserves me but I just don't see any point. I can't find enjoyment in anything I just can't see a way ahead.

 

We still work together and I have had to observe him behaving completely normally going about as though nothing is wrong and every second imagining him making things up to his wife. I just can't believe that after everything we have been through he could just leave me like this when he knows I have no-one to turn to and how desperate i must be feeling.

 

I don't know why i'm writing this i'm certain encouragement and words can't help me I guess I just don't know what else to do.

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible for you to find another job?

 

I just can't believe that after everything we have been through he could just leave me like this when he knows I have no-one to turn to and how desperate i must be feeling.

 

Well, imagine how his WIFE feels? They have children together, a life together, whether or not you want to believe it, they have a long history together! I hate to sound harsh and I know you're in pain too, but the reality is, this man was never yours to begin with. Yes, he fed you the crap, you believed all that he said. Remember, you're only hearing HIS side of the story, and what he wants to you know about his marriage and his wife.

 

You two working together is going to be harder on you, he is focussing on his marriage, for his children's sake. And, I'm sure he has promised his wife that he wouldn't talk or have much contact with you. Respect that.

 

Look at this as your out. You're so young to be wasting time with a man that much older than you, who has kids already, established in life and has been around the block many times. EVEN if he DID leave his wife for you, does he want more children? Could you fully trust him knowing that he's capable of cheating? He cheated with you on his wife, who he had children with! He said vows...He broke them and betrayed his WHOLE family, not just his wife, he let down his kids too! What makes you think that he wouldn't cheat on you in the future?

 

Get intouch with family, reconnect with friends because putting your eggs in one basket, the MM, isn't healthy. You know this already unfortunately because now he's not in your life and you're left alone. Seek some therapy to help you cope through this.

[BurriedAlive]

I know exactly how you feel. You don't understand how someone who apparently loves you so much can hurt you so much. I worked with xMM too - that's until I got fired after D-day. In hindsight, I could never have moved on with my life if I still worked there. The drama I had to live through watching him go home to W everyday was horrible. I will say though that in spite of everything, once I lost my job, things got a little better not having to see him everyday.

 

I know you probably won't like this but if your separation is going to be permanent and it appears as though it is, you have to go NC. It is absolutely the ONLY way you will move on. Unfortunately, all MMs are cowards and they do not have the courage that it takes to straighten out their lives in the spirit of happiness. They always take the "easy" road whether it be for financial reasons, family reasons or whatever. They don't understand that these things will always work themselves out. Your children will always be your children and money matters can be fixed.

 

I was devastated when the A ended and I had to leave my job. I cried EVERYDAY, I couldn't eat or sleep. It was the worse experience that I have ever lived through in my entire life. But, even if things aren't perfect and I still have my moments and unanswered questions, I can still see that things are better now than they were a month ago. That's the important thing.

 

You will be fine. What I recommend however is that you get a good support system around you to help you cope. Tell your friends, tell your family maybe even go to therapy. If I didn't have my family and their support, I may not have gotten through it! Good luck.

[Shades of Grey]

Which way is up, thank you, you have clearly exposed me as the selfish and stupid person that I am. I wrote the thread in a moment of desperation with immediate regret.

 

For the record I think non stop about his wife and the sadness of it all.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry my post to you has been harsh, but the reality of your affair IS harsh, painful and WILL hurt so many others. His wife and children do not deserve this.

 

Your MM is a selfish man, he is responsible for betraying his whole family, not you. You may be helping him do it and in the process he was feeding you a bunch of lies to keep you into and interested in him.

 

Bottomline, this is the best outcome for you. Painful in the short term, but just think, one day when you're over all this, you WILL find a single man who will love you, respect and honour YOU, not cheat on you. This guy is old, selfish and more than likely will continue to cheat on his wife with someone else.

 

You only see one side of this, so hopefully reading other people's threads here and taking in what others have been through will help you cope through this.

 

Cry, scream, grieve, get it out of your system. Then, go look for another job because this guy could turn around and make YOU out to be the bad guy here. Not only with his wife, but all your coworkers too.

[whichwayisup]

You aren't stupid. Don't call yourself stupid and I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. This guy pulled one over on you, feeding you some lies that were really convincing.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Shades of Grey, I am very sorry for your pain. I am especially sorry that you don't have friends to talk to about this - I really think I may have gone mad without the wonderful support of my friends and family guiding me and listening to me vent.

 

You certainly are not stupid, heartless - and we are ALL a degree selfish. The way I see it is your MM was in love with you. He started on a journey toward a life with you - telling his W, separating. Unfortunately, the pros and the cons of this journey were just too high. Knowing his kids were suffering, knowing you were so much younger with so much life to look forward to, knowing his W was so upset at the thought of losing you. It probably just became too hard.

 

It may be easier for him to act as though everything is fine at work. That life at home is fine. Which I'm sure feels like he believes you meant nothing to him. I doubt this. You probably meant very very much to him, but just not as much as his wife, his kids, his house, his joint mortgage payments, his credibility in front of family and friends, his photograph albums - everything that makes up his marriage and his life.

 

Put your best foot forward and start making changes in your life - look for a new job, reconnecting with family and friends - if you can, share all of this with your closest friend who you trust. And finally, take care of yourself. You have your whole life ahead of you and take this love as a preview of the love you can experience with a single man in your future.

[OpenBook]

Shades of Grey, your story hit me right between the eyes. I was in the exact same position as you, 20 years ago. We worked together, he went back to his wife, I had to go thru the hell of seeing him every day at work. It took me TWO YEARS to recover from that experience. It wouldn't have taken me NEARLY as long to get over it -- if only I had just gotten off my a** and found another job somewhere else. That is finally what I did, after two years -- and it worked. I was finally free.

 

I highly recommend you get outta there, like YESTERDAY. That's 2/3 of your problem. If you don't want to leave this company, then look into getting a transfer. Preferably to another location.

 

Like you, I couldn't tell anyone. Most of my friends knew him, and I was too ashamed to tell my family. A couple of really close girlfriends got me through it (even though they were unaware of the situation). They helped me focus on other things. I leaned hard on them.

 

So my advice, dear SOG - Lean on your friends. Be kind to yourself. And GET OUTTA THERE pronto.

 

Don't worry about resolving your feelings toward him right now. You'll work thru that in your own good time.

 

I can tell you that the next 20 years following my experience have been WAY better. OK, it's been a rollercoaster ride, none of us will ever escape that aspect of living our lives. But I've never gone thru that intense a pain again. Yes there has been pain, but it wasn't nearly as bad. And there's been a LOT of joy. And confusion. And wonder about how everything seems to work itself out eventually - regardless of what WE do.

 

Every time you get knocked down, you get back up, brush yourself off - and you're just a little stronger than you were before.

 

I, for one, am behind you on this one.

[PoshPrincess]

SoG, my R with exMM ended in a similar way so I understand what you're going through. Ours was very on-off for a long time. A year ago from now things got to breaking point and I told him I couldn't keep hanging on, that I needed to know where I stood. He asked me to give him two weeks to sort his life out, so that he could make a decision one way or another. After exactly two weeks (I told him he could take as long as he needed) he called and told me, "I did leave but......" There's always a 'but'. Pretty much the same as you, it was the kids, although his were in their mid to late teens. We stayed in touch for a few more months (me always hoping he would change his mind) until finally I put more pressure on and he basically told me he was staying, saying, "It might not be the RIGHT thing but it's the ONLY thing I can do!"

 

His first priority (quite rightly too, I am a parent so I DO understand) was his kids. When his W found out about us she told the kids exactly what had gone on (not that he was honest with her about it) and he couldn't risk putting them through anymore heartache. When he left for that brief time his daughter was in a total mess, went AWOL and then begged him to change his mind, which he did. His daughter had emotional problems anyway and there were times during our R that he was scared he was going to get home and find that she had done something stupid so maybe he was in a no win situation. I just wish I hadn't got involved in his life in the first place!

 

Basically, I can only tell you to walk away from it. I have never given up on my MM (8 months later) because I still love him more than anything but I am ashamed that I have been so weak and have not had more pride. Don't go the same way! Believe that he loved you (as I am sure he did) but if you really love him you have to respect his decision and walk away. If he loves you and decides to leave one day then he knows where you are, although speaking from experience you have to tell yourself that is never going to happen and try your best to move on.

 

I would definitely recommend some counselling. I have found a really good counsellor and am SLOWLY getting somewhere towards recovery from the horrible mess of the R with a MM!

 

PM me if you want to. Lots of luck x

[Shades of Grey]

Thank you so much for your responses.

 

It's so strange to hear from other people who have been through this, I have always felt so entirely alone. Too ashamed of myself to even contemplate telling even my closest friends. Amongst my friends and family I have always been seen as the person who everyone else turns too because I am apparently so "together" ,dependable and supportive. If only they knew!!!

 

I know that I have to leave my job. There is no chance of a transfer, I work for a very small company. It's just right now it's all I can do to get myself out of bed in the morning, and I am just so not up to the prospect of making this change. I certainly don't feel very employable at the moment, I feel a mess! My MM is the CEO and we have other offices so he does have the luxury of working from where he wants, he is staying away from my office seemingly as much as he can. I suppose this is good. I just miss him so much.

[scaredinlove]

Thank you so much for your responses.

 

It's so strange to hear from other people who have been through this, I have always felt so entirely alone. Too ashamed of myself to even contemplate telling even my closest friends. Amongst my friends and family I have always been seen as the person who everyone else turns too because I am apparently so "together" ,dependable and supportive. If only they knew!!!

 

I know that I have to leave my job. There is no chance of a transfer, I work for a very small company. It's just right now it's all I can do to get myself out of bed in the morning, and I am just so not up to the prospect of making this change. I certainly don't feel very employable at the moment, I feel a mess! My MM is the CEO and we have other offices so he does have the luxury of working from where he wants, he is staying away from my office seemingly as much as he can. I suppose this is good. I just miss him so much.

 

 

Sorry for you pain, hope you heal and find a great single guy who will love you>