Did you confront OM/OW?

[believinZ]

Can we pee and poop on them when they are in this room?

HAHAHAHA... sweetie... you can do whatever you want to do... go ahead relieve yourself of EVERYTHING... maybe this will be a new versrion of infidelity detox???

[Melissa277]

HAHAHAHA... sweetie... you can do whatever you want to do... go ahead relieve yourself of EVERYTHING... maybe this will be a new versrion of infidelity detox???

 

I know if I knew my punishment for sleeping with someone else's spouse was that I had to sit in a room with duct tape on my mouth and my hands and feet tied together while the betrayed spouse yelled and me and pooped and peed on me for weeks on end, I would think twice.

 

Of course, that's just me.

[believinZ]

I know if I knew my punishment for sleeping with someone else's spouse was that I had to sit in a room with duct tape on my mouth and my hands and feet tied together while the betrayed spouse yelled and me and pooped and peed on me for weeks on end, I would think twice.

 

Of course, that's just me.

OMG... you are so funny... I do believe you are correct... I have no doubts that it would be one of many deterrences for me...so nope... it is not just you *wink*... thanks for the smile also!

[mopar crazy]

Thanks for putting this post up- you can read my other posts for my situation which has changed in that I'm not sleeping with him anymore and I'm trying really hard to figure out how I fall out of love with him. I've been thinking about sending the OW an email but don't want her to think she's won anything. SO anyway if I jot some notes down could I get some literary criticism? I'm not sure it would be healthy to send but maybe just writing it down might help. Here goes:

 

Dear OW,

I'm using this email this one time and then forgetting I know it. I wish you luck in your life because I think you're going to need that or serious psychological counselling. I have tried to understand how you could play your part in this farce and have tried to put myself in your shoes. I tried because even to think about playing your role makes me sick to my stomach. To have such little self respect must be a hard thing and I guess when you don't respect yourself you can't respect others.

I know that you have a desperate yearning for a child. One day if you ever have a child, about three-four months in, when you're sleep deprived and exhausted and unable to stop yourself from crying because you don't understand what the hell has happened to your life, because you love your child but you are not the same person and don't know who you are. I want you to look at that child and I want you to think about my son, then I want you to put yourself in my shoes and think about how you enabled the destruction of a family that never got a chance to know itself as such.

I wouldn't wish what has happened to me and my son on anyone, even you, and that's how come I CAN look myself in the mirror and feel self-respect. I hope some day you recover yours or get some if you've never had any.

HAve a nice life, Melovator.

 

Thoughts? Comments?

 

I think it's best you save it, but not send it. And then when are ready, delete it entirely. I wrote so many letters to the xOW but I never sent them. I said my peace to her and I needed to move on. There was A LOT of things I wish I would have said but I'm letting it go. The OW, unfortunately, will always rent a small place in my head, but I'm praying as the years go past she wont be there as much. Well, it doesn't help coming to LS to get her out of my mind either.

[mopar crazy]

I don't know how old you are, but do you remember a song from back in the day about insanity called "They're Coming To Take Me Away Ha Ha?" She sounds like the poster child for that song. Good God.

 

I think I remember it. When was the song wrote? If it's the same one I'm thinking about yea, she would be the poster child for that song. I'm 37 by the way. Sucks 40 is just around the corner!

[Melovator]

I think it's best you save it, but not send it. And then when are ready, delete it entirely. I wrote so many letters to the xOW but I never sent them. I said my peace to her and I needed to move on. There was A LOT of things I wish I would have said but I'm letting it go. The OW, unfortunately, will always rent a small place in my head, but I'm praying as the years go past she wont be there as much. Well, it doesn't help coming to LS to get her out of my mind either.

 

I just want the whole thing over, I've had enough, they can have each other. I probably won't send anything, she shouldn't be worth my consideration, if it wasn't her it'd been someone else or a bottle. He'd rather keep the addiction than his family then I guess that's the way it is. (This sounds much angrier when I read it back- it's actually more resigned in my head.)

[april sunshine]

At the risk of being very unpopular, I thought I would contribute to this thread from an OW perspective....

 

If and when MM's W contacts me, I plan to be respectful and polite. I will not make any excuses for my behaviour. If she wants to scream and yell I will listen quietly. I am the one who has done the wrong thing in this situation, not her. I will never say anything hurtful or nasty as I have absolutely no right to cause her further pain. I will deserve anything she may choose to say to me.

 

I cannot change what I have done...I have tried to lessen the damage by not continuing any kind of intimacy with MM, it is enough that it happened on one occasion.

 

I have also been a betrayed wife, so I have a dual perspective re this issue. Personally, I had no desire to confront the OW, and I never spent a moment thinking about her. I firmly believed that H was the problem...he allowed it to happen, he destroyed our marriage, and the OW was really a non-issue in terms of only being a 'symptom' of a larger issue....she would never have had the opportunity to be with my H if he didn't provide her with that opportunity. I do not feel as though she stole him, or ruined our marriage - he did that on his own, through his own poor judgement and lack of restraint. When I found out about the affair, I divorced him, and wasted no tears crying over someone who did not deserve to spend another moment with me.

 

I do feel guilty about my R with MM....but I also believe that MM would not have done anything he did not want to do - I did not coerce him into doing anything, and perhaps I am just a 'symptom" of a larger issue for him.

 

I never ask him about his W, I have never said anything derogatory about her, I never try to compete with her, and I worry about the impact our A will have on her if she ever finds out. So, having said all of this, I want to point out that not all OW will try to be nasty or vindictive, or gain pleasure from having the W know about them....I hope his W does not find out, and if she does, and then confronts me, I will try to be as humble, respectful, polite, and as sensitive as I can be, becuase short of going back in time and changing what I have done....the very least I can do for her is limit the hurt as much as I can, and I would never contribute to her pain by being nasty should she confront me....if she needs to call me to ask questions, or to tell me exactly what she thinks of me, then I will make sure that I give her an opportunity to do just that,

[Lynna]

Dear OW,

I'm using this email this one time and then forgetting I know it. I wish you luck in your life because I think you're going to need that or serious psychological counselling. I have tried to understand how you could play your part in this farce and have tried to put myself in your shoes. I tried because even to think about playing your role makes me sick to my stomach. To have such little self respect must be a hard thing and I guess when you don't respect yourself you can't respect others.

I know that you have a desperate yearning for a child. One day if you ever have a child, about three-four months in, when you're sleep deprived and exhausted and unable to stop yourself from crying because you don't understand what the hell has happened to your life, because you love your child but you are not the same person and don't know who you are. I want you to look at that child and I want you to think about my son, then I want you to put yourself in my shoes and think about how you enabled the destruction of a family that never got a chance to know itself as such.

I wouldn't wish what has happened to me and my son on anyone, even you, and that's how come I CAN look myself in the mirror and feel self-respect. I hope some day you recover yours or get some if you've never had any.

HAve a nice life, Melovator.

 

Sounds pretty good to me! Nonthreatening, to the point. Makes her squirm hopefully.

 

If you do decide to send it I would start a new email account on one of the free programs (yahoo, hotmail, etc). An account you will never use again. She may get vindictive and spam your account or sign you up for mailing lists and stuff.

[Melissa277]

If and when MM's W contacts me, I plan to be respectful and polite. I will not make any excuses for my behaviour. If she wants to scream and yell I will listen quietly. I am the one who has done the wrong thing in this situation, not her. I will never say anything hurtful or nasty as I have absolutely no right to cause her further pain. I will deserve anything she may choose to say to me.

 

You already disrespected her by sleeping with her husband.

 

I cannot change what I have done...I have tried to lessen the damage by not continuing any kind of intimacy with MM, it is enough that it happened on one occasion.

 

Well, I guess that's something positive.

 

I have also been a betrayed wife, so I have a dual perspective re this issue. Personally, I had no desire to confront the OW, and I never spent a moment thinking about her. I firmly believed that H was the problem...he allowed it to happen, he destroyed our marriage, and the OW was really a non-issue in terms of only being a 'symptom' of a larger issue....she would never have had the opportunity to be with my H if he didn't provide her with that opportunity. I do not feel as though she stole him, or ruined our marriage - he did that on his own, through his own poor judgement and lack of restraint. When I found out about the affair, I divorced him, and wasted no tears crying over someone who did not deserve to spend another moment with me.

 

Being a former BS, I would think that you would have remembered the hurt and pain you felt. The fact that you helped inflict this same hurt and pain on some other innocent person doesn't say much for your learning curve.

 

I do feel guilty about my R with MM....but I also believe that MM would not have done anything he did not want to do - I did not coerce him into doing anything, and perhaps I am just a 'symptom" of a larger issue for him.

 

You didn't refuse him either and I have to wonder what's missing from your life, after all he is just a "symptom" of your larger issues, also.

 

I never ask him about his W, I have never said anything derogatory about her, I never try to compete with her, and I worry about the impact our A will have on her if she ever finds out. So, having said all of this, I want to point out that not all OW will try to be nasty or vindictive, or gain pleasure from having the W know about them....I hope his W does not find out, and if she does, and then confronts me, I will try to be as humble, respectful, polite, and as sensitive as I can be, becuase short of going back in time and changing what I have done....the very least I can do for her is limit the hurt as much as I can, and I would never contribute to her pain by being nasty should she confront me....if she needs to call me to ask questions, or to tell me exactly what she thinks of me, then I will make sure that I give her an opportunity to do just that,

 

Somehow, you sound almost noble. Not sure if the BW will see it that way. I thinking that she will probably feel like ripping your face off, even after you "humbly, respectfully, politely and sensitively" explain why you slept with her H.

 

Just my opinion though.

[believinZ]

Somehow, you sound almost noble. Not sure if the BW will see it that way. I thinking that she will probably feel like ripping your face off, even after you "humbly, respectfully, politely and sensitively" explain why you slept with her H.

 

Just my opinion though.

Well said Melissa...

 

To "April": I'm sorry... but it is amazing that you can sound (or try to sound) so noble... I can't imagine EVER being w/ a MM. This is female 101... we don't screw our fellow females by screwing their mates! Talk about a sisterhood divided! Even my male friends... and trust me they are more like big brothers... I make it a point to get to know their current or long standing significant others... I'm usually the big sister type that makes them buy their women flowers and beat them up when they are not being gentlemen... THIS is what it means to be a part of the "sisterhood of women" we are SUPPOSE to support each other... not steal, lie, and cheat on each other... WTF. Then after we do this... put on our smile or humble pie face and say... 'OH MY BAD'... AND to have been on the other side of this kind of mind boggling pain and to inflict it yourself... double WTF... you may very well be a very remorseful woman wanting to be respected by women... I'm not sure how that works? But, good luck, God speed, and leave MM alone please! Regardless of how stupid or weak they may be... JUST SAY NO and tell them to GO HOME!

 

PS. I am sorry if I am not following the LS rules for being supportive on this one... forgive me or tell me to shut the he!! up... I can take it (sort of).

[Melovator]

 

This is female 101... we don't screw our fellow females by screwing their mates! Talk about a sisterhood divided!

 

 

Most women don't realise how big the sisterhood is until it does happen to them- then you find out there's a great big club out there of women who've 'been there, done that'. I know that to a lot of women feminism is a dirty word but i think its becuse they missed the memo that said "it's about self respect stupid- not feeling free to make choices with no regards to anyone else but yourself" But you know PAris Hilton seems to be the poster girl for female empowerment these days, Naomi's got religion and Germaine is into toy boys. So now being empowered is behaving like a man- too bad the blokes won't stand up and say how 'behaving like a man' does them no good either- heart attacks, stress, emotional disengagement etc etc.

[Melissa277]

I think I remember it. When was the song wrote? If it's the same one I'm thinking about yea, she would be the poster child for that song. I'm 37 by the way. Sucks 40 is just around the corner!

 

Okay, you were probably like 2 when that song came out so you probably don't remember it. 37? You're a baby, for God's sake.

 

Trust me though, she is definitely the poster child for that song.

[Melissa277]

 

To "April": I'm sorry... but it is amazing that you can sound (or try to sound) so noble... I can't imagine EVER being w/ a MM. This is female 101... we don't screw our fellow females by screwing their mates! Talk about a sisterhood divided! THIS is what it means to be a part of the "sisterhood of women" we are SUPPOSE to support each other... not steal, lie, and cheat on each other... WTF. Then after we do this... put on our smile or humble pie face and say... 'OH MY BAD'... AND to have been on the other side of this kind of mind boggling pain and to inflict it yourself... double WTF... you may very well be a very remorseful woman wanting to be respected by women... I'm not sure how that works? But, good luck, God speed, and leave MM alone please! Regardless of how stupid or weak they may be... JUST SAY NO and tell them to GO HOME!

 

 

Yeah! What she said!!!!

[shellys-trying]

Can you imagine? If all the MMs in the world would get turned down by every woman they came on to, or every potential OW got turned down by every MM she came on to, then there wouldn't be infidelity boards.

 

I think I could live with that. LOL

 

Now, back to the topic at hand.

[Melissa277]

 

Now, back to the topic at hand.

 

Hey Shelly, after I read that, I thought, "yeah, back to the topic at hand. Ahhhhh ... What the he!! was the topic at hand?" Then I had to go back and look, which is really bad because I started it. LOL!

[mopar crazy]

Hey Shelly, after I read that, I thought, "yeah, back to the topic at hand. Ahhhhh ... What the he!! was the topic at hand?" Then I had to go back and look, which is really bad because I started it. LOL!

 

 

LMAO! Sounds like something I would do.

 

No, I wouldn't remember that song if I was only 2. Maybe I need to do lyrics search on it.

 

A baby huh? Well, thanks! I don't feel like a baby. My knees are already starting to hurt and ache. My sister (who is 43 tomorrow) keeps telling me "Just wait, when you hit 40 everything will go to *****!" GREAT! Whoever said the 40's are like the 20's is full of *****. I didn't have aches and pains like this when I was in my 20's.

 

Shelly, I always think of that too.

[shellys-trying]

Hey Shelly, after I read that, I thought, "yeah, back to the topic at hand. Ahhhhh ... What the he!! was the topic at hand?" Then I had to go back and look, which is really bad because I started it. LOL!

 

See? Who says you can't take something and put some humor into it?

[Melissa277]

LMAO! Sounds like something I would do.

 

A baby huh? Well, thanks! I don't feel like a baby. My knees are already starting to hurt and ache. My sister (who is 43 tomorrow) keeps telling me "Just wait, when you hit 40 everything will go to *****!" GREAT! Whoever said the 40's are like the 20's is full of *****. I didn't have aches and pains like this when I was in my 20's.

 

This is way off topic but ... what your sister said is totally not true! Believe me. I'm way past 43 (I'm 51). But I feel much younger than I am (I am still surprised when I have to say my age out loud) and apparently look like it too. I went to a casino a couple weeks ago with my CH and my kids and I got hit for proof (he didn't - ha-ha-ha-ha). The guy that hit me said "I can't tell if you're over 30 or under 30." My kids started laughing and said "She's way over 30!" He looked at my ID and said "Oh, sorry" with a sheepish grin. I said "Sorry? You just made my day." Then last weekend, my youngest daughter's friend from college was in town and we all went to a graduation party. The friend told me that I was a MILF (Mother I'd Like to F*ck) and soon to be a GILF (Grandmother I'd Like to F*ck) because my oldest daughter is pregnant with her first child. And, (and I've never told anyone I know this), I've gotten hit on many times by younger guys (in their 20's and 30's) and when I say "do you have any idea how old I am?" they say, "I have no idea how old you are, but who the f*ck cares?" LOL. But you know what's really weird? I have been laying in the sun since I was like 15. My SIL and I used to lay out for like nine hours straight ... we'd be dizzy when we stood up for God's sake. And the funny part is I'm Irish ... green eyes, blonde hair and freckles ... but I get really dark, really fast. I used to be obsessed ... and out of control ... I would watch the sky and the sun and the clouds and run in and out of the house like a madwomen. To this day, I lay out (don't tell anyone) ... but only once in a while to get a little "color" and I still don't have any wrinkles. I keep waiting for them to show up, but so far, nope. What's up with that?

 

So, I guess the moral of this story is you are as young as you feel and if you take care of yourself (and I have, I've been working out since my youngest was 6 and she's now 23) you can look and feel younger than you are for a long, long time.

 

Unfortunatly, H still cheated, (and with a mutt, I might add) so whatever! Just do it for yourself!

[bish]

Do you confront the OM/OW??

 

Hell yes you do. And you let them know just what you think of them too.

 

But what is one gonna say really. If it were me and I found myself in that situation, I wouldn't get violent cuz its against what I am taught.

 

I wouldn't forbid the OM to stay away from my wife. I'd give the both of them enough rope to hang themselves with.

 

But I would forbid him to be in any contact with my children and I would tell my wife it is unacceptable.

 

And if the OM gets violent with me....hehehehe. Well then, mission accomplished, I can fight back and it would be self-defense and a painful lesson for that low-life.

[believinZ]

I just let my H know the other morning (I had woken up from another one of those trigger dreams) OH... and my wedding ring has been broken for almost 6 months now and he hasn't gotten it fixed yet... said he hasn't had time... I'm beginning to think I'm just not a priority and that this reconsiliation is a joke and I'm just too stupid to not be able to stop loving him, and that maybe I'm just too insecure to be alone and maybe I am scared that my 14 year old daughter might hate me (she doesn't know about her father's A)... SOOOO anyhow... I woke up from this dream and told my H how upset I was about my ring and he was very... can't even explain it... so I told him look I've been thinking about calling OW and I've also been looking at apts. for myself and our daughter...and I restated how very very upset I was that my wedding ring is broke at the same our marriage is broken and symbolicly how much this means to me... you know what he got upset about... I mean really upset about... the fact that I was thinking..THINKING mind of calling the OW... he told me that he did not to live in the past anymore even I wasn't over things... he wasn't going to... am I just an idiot??? I mean seriously am I... do I even make and fu@%ing sense to anyone??? I"ve never given my whole story but there are some of the parts... it all just seems so fu@%ed up... who cares anymore... why should I care...???? sorry... one of those nights... I just got done watching a really good but "aha" type movie "Because I said so" I want someone to "get" me like he does in that movie... but that's a script...

[shellys-trying]

My H didn't care much for the idea of me confronting the xOW either. I know everytime we went out, he probably looked around every corner. LOL Which is BS, cause if you're gonna skank with a skank, you need to face her afterward with your BW.

It gives 'em character, ya know!

Anyway, luckily for H, I confronted the xOW with him not there. But, where your H is concerned, it sounds like he doesn't want to help you get thru the A after effects.

I just really feel if the WH doesn't want to help you and do his part in fixing the M, then he isn't sorry about the A. He definitely hasn't seen what he's done to you, his W.

You don't have to take my word for it, and it may take your H some time (it took my H a couple yrs to completely come clean and talk completely about the A, even with him having NC with the xOW after dday). He was just embarrassed for me to see what he'd went out on me for plus what she turned out to be (a real gold digging loser). Men don't like to look dumb. It didn't help that H cheated with a (not known to him) known whore at work.

Where your wedding ring is concerned, I'd sit down and tell him he needs to make a priority of having that fixed NOW. hand it to him and don't take any excuses. Let him know how you feel and if he tries to brush it off then comment about the apt and moving out thing again. Make yourself strong and show him if he's not willing to work on the M, you aren't wasting your time anymore.

You deserve better.

You do, ya know, if he's not willing to deal with the A and your feelings like he should.

[Lynna]

my wedding ring has been broken for almost 6 months now and he hasn't gotten it fixed yet... said he hasn't had time... I'm beginning to think I'm just not a priority and that this reconsiliation is a joke and I'm just too stupid to not be able to stop loving him, and that maybe I'm just too insecure to be alone and maybe I am scared that my 14 year old daughter might hate me (she doesn't know about her father's A...symbolicly how much this means to me... you know what he got upset about... I mean really upset about... the fact that I was thinking..THINKING mind of calling the OW... he told me that he did not to live in the past anymore even I wasn't over things... am I just an idiot??? I mean seriously am I... do I even make and fu@%ing sense to anyone???

 

You do make sense Z, you are NOT an idiot! I can't believe after all he has done to you that he won't fix your wedding ring!!!!! That is emotionally cruel if you ask me. That is a HUGE symbol of your marriage and your vows. He broke those vows, he broke your marriage, yes, there may have been issues but rather than work them out he consciously chose to have an affair. Sure he can say it was a mistake and stupid and maybe he says he should not have done it, but the fact is he DID! You can't just erase the past. Sure he wants to forget it happened and move on, but it does not seem like he is trying very hard to help you move on. Every time you have a bad dream about it he should be comforting you and telling you he is sorry and that it won't happen again. He should be holding you and telling you how important you are to him. It is UNBELIEVABLE that he has not fixed your wedding ring. To me that seems like a clear sign that he is not 100% committed to working on your marriage. I think you said in another post that you are in counseling together. Do you talk about the affair there or just about general marriage stuff? Does the counselor know about your ring? That certainly sounds like something you should bring up there!

 

You are not stupid to still love him. Many of the things that you loved about him have not changed despite the affair. You also have a lot of history together. That is NOT easy to give up, especially with a daughter. It is good that you have been able to keep this from her, and even if you eventually do decide to separate and/or divorce, I think that is still a good thing to conceal from her, at least until she is an adult. You don't want it to affect her relationship with her father or with her father's family from what you have said about the BIL if I remember correctly. Children's innocence should be preserved as long as possible, they will have enough time as adults to deal with the harsh realities of life.

 

Keep doing things that make you feel good about yourself Z!!! And know that you are not crazy!!!

[Lynna]

Z, I just reread your post from another thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=120329&page=5)about the BIL and the Father's Day BBQ. You know, if you went to the BBQ it might give you a chance to slip out on your own and talk to the OW - isn't she the BIL's neighbor? You don't have to tell anyone where you are going. But if you do that then plan in advance what you are going to say to her!

[believinZ]

Hi... thank you Lynna and Shelly... there are days I just really dont know what i'm doing and I think that talking to the OW would help me either get mad enough to just end this ride or to give me faith to continue and to open up to my H. right now i just don't feel connected to him. The wedding ring issue would have been such a major easy point maker for him... I'm a very emotionally driven person... I'm a writer, a poet, a teacher... I look and really take stock into those little things (not that a wedding ring is little esp. in light of the A). I just really have a hard time sticking up for my own emotions and needs... I even had moments where i was concerned about the OW and her morals and feel this need to advice and "teach" her... she has a daughter... I would hate for her daughter to be learning these kinds of morals... not to mention her son. But, I'm sure talking to her about these things would be ridiculous... as for my BIL... yes the OW is his neighbor but they live about an hour away... tomorrow I would only have to deal him, my H's family, and the fake mode of acting everything is fine I have to get into... I opted out. I'm not going over there... my H's mom/dad live about half a mile away from us... I just really don't feel up to it. I have papers to grade, report cards to work on... and really... I JUST DONT WANT TO! and that should be okay... if it isn't that's their issue isn't it?! But, I really really do want to talk to the OW just to even hear her voice... NOONE ... absolutley NOONE around me understands or supports this ... well I have one friend who gets it, but her H cheated on her and married the OW...she gets it!

 

My H did take my ring in yesterday apparently. The thing is... I'm afraid that w/in these last 6 months of pretty much begging, nagging, and crying that it took to get it fixed... has given the ring a new negative meaning for me.... I fear that looking at this ring will now only represent broken promises... my H says it will represent whatever I choose it to represent... true... but is it too much to ask for him to help me make it mean something more?

 

As for counseling... I'm in counseling. We WERE in marriage counseling, and the ring issue first came up there... 6 months ago... then 2 more times. the doc told my H that it is important for him to pay attention to this... MY counselor is baffled and says I have every right to be conerned about my Hs motives and his lack of having reflective thought. I guess I should have made this a new thread eh... Sorry, for taking up so much space on my issues... its so f'uped ... no real immediate fix...

[Lynna]

Z, I can't blame you now for feeling there might be a negative connotation to the ring now. You are justified in that. If it took that much begging and crying for 6 long months, despite the advice of an impartial stranger then he REALLY does not get it. I am so sorry about that. Try to look back on the promise of the ring in the first place. What it initially represented.

 

It is probably good that you not go, as you said, there is no reason you should have to put up with all that. Sounds like you have plenty to keep you busy so that is good.

 

You don't need his permission to talk to the OW if that is what you need to do to be able to move forward with your life, in whatever direction you take. When I confronted the other woman I simply told my husband that I was going to do it and that he would be there. He did not want it but I insited. You are the injured party, you are the one who has to recover from the pain that he inflicted. If this is what you need as part of your healings, then it is what you need. Don't ask his permission. You don't even need to tell him you are going to do it if you don't want to. Just plan what you say carefully! Good luck!

 

Take some time for yourself tomorrow, take a nice bubble bath, or give yourself a manicure, etc.