Did you confront OM/OW?

[believinZ]

I would say that a year and a half is still pretty fresh, not too late. You are still dealing with the issues it brought up, why shouldn't she have to deal with them too.

:-) wow... finally... someone who understands and doesn't just tell me to move past it all... as if that is something that just happens ... I feel like so many ppl around me are saying "hey its been a year... heal thyself Z and be done with the past live in the hear and now..."WTF. i get all hyped about what I would say to her... on the way home i have these entire conversations in my head, but then my heart starts pounding because I know my H would flip if I did call the OW... he doesn't understand my pain... he just wants me to be better somehow as if magic is real. any advice on what one says to the OW? w/out crying and screaming... I would need to have the upper hand and come out the winner in this or it might crush me even more...??? It is strange for me to ask others for advice on this... usually I am the "wiseone" :-) I have lost all wisdom it would seem...

[Lynna]

:-) wow... finally... someone who understands and doesn't just tell me to move past it all... as if that is something that just happens ... I feel like so many ppl around me are saying "hey its been a year... heal thyself Z and be done with the past live in the hear and now..."WTF. i get all hyped about what I would say to her... on the way home i have these entire conversations in my head, but then my heart starts pounding because I know my H would flip if I did call the OW... he doesn't understand my pain... he just wants me to be better somehow as if magic is real. any advice on what one says to the OW? w/out crying and screaming... I would need to have the upper hand and come out the winner in this or it might crush me even more...??? It is strange for me to ask others for advice on this... usually I am the "wiseone" :-) I have lost all wisdom it would seem...

 

I think people say that to you because they don't know what it is like. People who have experienced something similar are more likely to understand what you are going through and how long it takes to recover. Even our spouses don't understand because they are on the other side of the equation.

 

When I confronted the OW I wrote everything out first. I went through MULTIPLE drafts. In the first one I wrote I poured out all the worst things I could think to say. It was definitely not one I ever intended to give her or anyone else!!!! It was POTENT! Bbut the writing process was very cathartic as I pictured her reaction if she did read it. Then I kept rewriting until I reached a point where I was more in control (retrospectively still not as much control as I would have liked!). I have never been a big journal writer, but through this process I have written "letters" several times. I always feel better afterward!!!! I do destroy them afterward, that is pretty cathartic too. It does not hurt anyone but it helps me channel some of that anger and desire for destruction.

[silktricks]

Well, about a month after D-Day I tried to call the OW. She hung up on me. (and this was after she'd been placing crank calls to MY house for 6 months -- which continued on for another YEAR!!)

 

I've strongly considered calling her still, but she lives in a different state, I only know where she works, not her address or phone number, so that's probably not gonna happen.

 

Who knows, karma may lead us to meet someday. . .

 

and as everyone knows, karma is a Bitch!!

[Trialbyfire]

:-) wow... finally... someone who understands and doesn't just tell me to move past it all... as if that is something that just happens ... I feel like so many ppl around me are saying "hey its been a year... heal thyself Z and be done with the past live in the hear and now..."WTF. i get all hyped about what I would say to her... on the way home i have these entire conversations in my head, but then my heart starts pounding because I know my H would flip if I did call the OW... he doesn't understand my pain... he just wants me to be better somehow as if magic is real. any advice on what one says to the OW? w/out crying and screaming... I would need to have the upper hand and come out the winner in this or it might crush me even more...??? It is strange for me to ask others for advice on this... usually I am the "wiseone" :-) I have lost all wisdom it would seem...

It's up to you what you want to discuss. It's a variable depending on the OW in question.

 

If she's the vindictive type, you will hear an outpouring of poison. Before she gets too wound-up, make sure you have sufficient ammunition to deflate her, ie. sensitive pressure points. Negate her perspective and above all, never let her see you sweat baby. Take her down like the scum she is...

 

On the other hand, there are also victims of MMs. Ones who were not aware of his marital status. I would leave these ones alone. They are no different than you and I, mushrooms kept in the dark and fed full of...manure...yes...manure...

 

There's also the civilized types who surprisingly, do feel some remorse once they're bearded in their lair. It's a shame that these types weren't civilized during the term of the affair...ah, well, luurrrvvveee conquers all....

[believinZ]

It's up to you what you want to discuss. It's a variable depending on the OW in question.

 

If she's the vindictive type, you will hear an outpouring of poison. Before she gets too wound-up, make sure you have sufficient ammunition to deflate her, ie. sensitive pressure points. Negate her perspective and above all, never let her see you sweat baby. Take her down like the scum she is...

 

On the other hand, there are also victims of MMs. Ones who were not aware of his marital status. I would leave these ones alone. They are no different than you and I, mushrooms kept in the dark and fed full of...manure...yes...manure...

 

There's also the civilized types who surprisingly, do feel some remorse once they're bearded in their lair. It's a shame that these types weren't civilized during the term of the affair...ah, well, luurrrvvveee conquers all....

I am guessing she is not civilized. She is a mother... this much I do know... she is divorced... her husband left her with a half finished remodeling job on their house. She knew very very well that my H was married...she knew full well about a lot I am sure since my Hs brother was the match maker. I have little sympathy for her or her situation. My view is this: she needed a new daddy for her children and a handyman to fix up her house and a lover to take care of her 40+needs... she gave little care to my and my Hs daughter, my and my Hs house and my 40 year sexual peeked needs... so SCREW her and the fu*&^%g horse she rides at night. She has not met a woman like me who is not only educated but very street smart. Once I get started the idiot won't know if she is being insulted or cussed at or simply belittled... she is an idiot and the only reason I have not contacted her is out of... really I dont know why... I have always done what is expected of me... i am the "good girl" who has morals and a life... so, I didn't contact her because everyone around me keeps saying... "so what's it going to prove?" or "she isn't worth your time..." well, those comments are true... but I WANT TO CONFRONT HER... doesn't that count for something... I'm tired of being "nice" and keeping my nice little mouth shut... nice has gotten me little thus far but crapped on.

[Trialbyfire]

I am guessing she is not civilized. She is a mother... this much I do know... she is divorced... her husband left her with a half finished remodeling job on their house. She knew very very well that my H was married...she knew full well about a lot I am sure since my Hs brother was the match maker. I have little sympathy for her or her situation. My view is this: she needed a new daddy for her children and a handyman to fix up her house and a lover to take care of her 40+needs... she gave little care to my and my Hs daughter, my and my Hs house and my 40 year sexual peeked needs... so SCREW her and the fu*&^%g horse she rides at night. She has not met a woman like me who is not only educated but very street smart. Once I get started the idiot won't know if she is being insulted or cussed at or simply belittled... she is an idiot and the only reason I have not contacted her is out of... really I dont know why... I have always done what is expected of me... i am the "good girl" who has morals and a life... so, I didn't contact her because everyone around me keeps saying... "so what's it going to prove?" or "she isn't worth your time..." well, those comments are true... but I WANT TO CONFRONT HER... doesn't that count for something... I'm tired of being "nice" and keeping my nice little mouth shut... nice has gotten me little thus far but crapped on.

I don't blame you for wanting the confrontation. I had two confrontations. One by myself and one that included the ex. As I said, it was worth it's price in gold. Note price not weight, which I won't explain... If it was Groundhog day, I would redo those two confrontations over and over again, it was that worthwhile for me. I will not allow anyone to get away unscathed.

[smartgirl]

I am a year post d-day and I have thought about this alot. Part of me really, really wants to have it out with her, but my instincts tell me not to bother.

 

The woman has likely become adept at self deception. She likely views herself soley as a victim and your H as the only perpetrator. She probably thinks you got what you deserved. Anything you say and do will only make her feel more certain she is right.

 

My H's OW has tried a couple of times to goad me into saying or doing something. I completely ignored her. I believe she just wants to have something to go cry to my H about and show him why he was so wrong to tell me so much.

 

If you roll in the mud with a pig, it makes the pig happy and you just get dirty.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with smartgirl if you want to save your marriage and your H is not 100% onside with you. While my ex was 100% onside with the confrontations, I wasn't the least bit concerned about how he or anyone else would view me. I wasn't committed to saving the marriage at that point.

[outofdarkness]

Hey, after reading some of the last few posts, it got me wondering. Maybe this has been thrown around before and if so, I'm sorry and I sure don't want to bring up any old memories and pain, but did any of you ever confront the OM/OW and if you did, what happened? I never did and it's really bugging me. I had met her only once when H introduced us at a work function. After introducing us, he walked away and left me standing there with her, so naturally, I tried to make small talk with her. (What the hell, I'm a nice person.) She was a total bitch to me ... one word answers and such ... which I thought was weird at the time (but still nothing clicked ... God I am such a moron) and I mentioned it to him after we got home. He laughed and said "she's just a freakin' psycho." Of course, I didn't know about A at that time and now when I think back on that night, I just cringe. I left town on D-Day and she left town before I returned. One part of me wants to call her (I have her number ... it was on our caller ID) and get a bunch of things off my chest, but another part doesn't want to give her the satisfaction. Any thoughts?

I confronted my H's main OW..he's a serial C, but had an A w/ one in particular for 10 years.. Well..I shouldn't say "I" confronter HER..A "friend" sent a letter via snail mail which requested that I contact her to compare notes..I promptly did. She was not angry, hostile or rude. She simply answered my questions and listened while I told her over and over and over that each thing she was telling me were lies..Not even things necessarily related to our M either..Just "stuff"...The others, no, except for one whom I did speak w/ by phone and never care to again...Hope that helps...

[FireandIce]

I did and it felt great. My WH and I were trying to work things out but he still wasn't living here yet (although he did move back in two days later). He came over and was in the shower when she called MY HOUSE. I answered the phone and she asked to speak to him. At the time my kids were in the room so I didn't say much. I told her that he was in the shower, then she asked if he would be there long and I told her "yes, he'll be here alllllll night". She asked if I would tell him that she called and I told her that I'd think about it.

 

I was soooooooooo angry that she had called my house. I was also angry that she sounded as though she had the right to call my house! I went in and told him that she had called. He was shocked because he had already told her that he wanted to work things out with me. Anyways, I sent the kids outside to play just in case she called back, which she did. That is when I confronted her. I told her exactly what I thought about her and when she said (in the most ignorant tone) "he doesn't love you anymore" (obviously he had told her this before) I nicely informed her about how many times he had loved me during the last couple of days. She was hurt and I loved every minute of it.

 

He went back to the place that he was staying and she showed up. He told her that we were getting back together and they were through (like he had told her a week before). She cried, threw things, ranted, pouted etc., etc., etc. Poor thing.

 

She called a few times after that and then we didn't hear from her again until this past weekend. It has been just over three months since we got back together. We weren't home so we really don't know what she wanted so now I'm wondering if I should call the little whore or just let it go until she calls again, which I'm sure she will. Hubby asked me if I wanted him to call her or if I wanted to call her myself. I told him no, I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me. He's here with me and she's crying herself to sleep at night (yes, she actually told one of his friends this ) so what's the point of starting this crap all over again. I don't know. Part of me wants to but then the sensible part tells me to ignore her.

[norajane]

Can you get her address and sign her up for all kinds of religious tracts and newsletters? Sic the Jehovah's Witnesses on her? Sounds like she might need her soul saved...

[mopar crazy]

I haven't read all your replies Melissa but will tomorrow. Need to head to bed.

 

Anyhow, I did confront the W. Her number was unlisted but I found it on the cell bill. I knew it was her b/c I asked H and he admitted it was her #.

 

When I called her I told her to go in the other room b/c I didn't want her H to hear our conversation. I asked her what was going on between the two of them. I told her there was rumors of them having an A. She laughed, hysterically. She asked me why the rumors couldn't be about another female co-worker instead of her. She denied having anything w/ H. She said she was happily M. She said they were just friends and he had been confiding in her about our M. She said he was confused, didn't know what he wanted. Then she proceeded to give me M advice. She asked me if I still loved him, etc

 

And to get off the subject she says, all excited "My chicken just laid it's first egg!" She was just ecstatic about it. Then she started talking about her child marking all over herself w/ a marker. She was trying very hard to get off the topic.

 

She talked to me as if we were friends. Far from it.

 

I understand your reasoning by wanting to call the OW. Sometimes just hearing what they have to say brings closure to it all. Don't be surprised if she lies, or even gets angry w/ you. If you feel you need to call her to give you more answers do.

 

I don't regret calling her.

[Melissa277]

Thanx for your input everyone. I didn't call her last night, but I did dream about it.

 

Our conversation went something like this:

 

(ring ring)

 

OW: "Hello?"

 

Me: "OW's name, this is Melissa277" ... long pause

 

OW: "What the F*ck do you want?"

 

Me: "I just want to know ..." and then I couldn't think of one thing to say to her.

 

Then I woke up. Pretty bizarre huh? I have all these things I want to say to that ho bag, but not one thing would come out of my mouth. Why?

 

Also, H doesn't want me to call her. He says he's afraid she'll find out where we are and start up again. I think he just doesn't want her telling me that he was as into "it" as she was. You know he claims she was practically blackmailing him into their A.

 

I feel like she got off easy ... having never heard a word from me and it's making me crazy (crazier?).

 

Melissa

[Lizzie60]

Thanx for your input everyone. I didn't call her last night, but I did dream about it.

 

Our conversation went something like this:

 

(ring ring)

 

OW: "Hello?"

 

Me: "OW's name, this is Melissa277" ... long pause

 

OW: "What the F*ck do you want?"

 

Me: "I just want to know ..." and then I couldn't think of one thing to say to her.

 

Then I woke up. Pretty bizarre huh? I have all these things I want to say to that ho bag, but not one thing would come out of my mouth. Why?

 

Also, H doesn't want me to call her. He says he's afraid she'll find out where we are and start up again. I think he just doesn't want her telling me that he was as into "it" as she was. You know he claims she was practically blackmailing him into their A.

 

I feel like she got off easy ... having never heard a word from me and it's making me crazy (crazier?).

 

Melissa

 

I really think that it won't bother her at all... you can call her if it makes you feel better (or maybe you are curious as to what she might say that he didn't tell you)...but she won't give a 'hoot' about what you think.

 

It may even empower her in a way...

[Melissa277]

 

And to get off the subject she says, all excited "My chicken just laid it's first egg!" She was just ecstatic about it. Then she started talking about her child marking all over herself w/ a marker. She was trying very hard to get off the topic.

 

She talked to me as if we were friends. Far from it.

 

C'mon, your're kidding right? She couldn't think of anything else off topic to say other than "My chicken just laid it's first egg?" She sounds like a wacko.

[Lynna]

H doesn't want me to call her. He says he's afraid she'll find out where we are and start up again.

 

You know, that is a good point. If she has caller ID you would be providing her with a way to get in contact with your H again, and a way to harass you. If you call you better do it from a pay phone!

[Trialbyfire]

Also, H doesn't want me to call her. He says he's afraid she'll find out where we are and start up again. I think he just doesn't want her telling me that he was as into "it" as she was. You know he claims she was practically blackmailing him into their A.

 

Melissa

Your H is in the classic "she made me do it" denial phase. If he can defer all responsibility to the OW, he doesn't need to own up to his own responsibility. You need to call him onto the carpet for this.

 

Btw, just tell him you'll phone from a payphone across town so she won't know where you are and see how calling his bluff works. His response should be interesting to see...

[Melissa277]

 

I was soooooooooo angry that she had called my house. I was also angry that she sounded as though she had the right to call my house!

 

 

WOW. Now that takes some huge gonads. H's OW only called our house number after I left. She always called his cell before. No matter where we were or what we were doing, he'd get a call from her. It used to drive me absolutely insane, but he would always say she called because there was some problem at work and of course, I believed him. That stupid moron even called him when we were out of town at our daughter's wedding. Again, some problem at work. All her calls on his cell phone were marked "private" but I didn't know this at the time because I never looked at his cell phone. After D-day, I checked his cell phone and there were seventeen missed calls marked "private." God, if I knew then what I know now ...

 

The one time she called our house she didn't know I was back living there. He had moved to another state for a job and I was trying to sell the house. The phone rang and I looked at the caller ID and it was her. I picked it up and said "Hello?" The chicken sh*t hung up! As far as I know, H has not heard from her again. She made a big mistake though, I wrote down her phone number.

[Melissa277]

Lizzie, I think that's one of the reasons (the other is I'm half afraid of what she'll tell me) I haven't called her. I certainly do not want to empower her. I want to beat the crap out of her, but not empower her.

 

TBF you are absolutely right! That's what I keep telling him ... "deny, deny, deny and maybe you'll come out smelling like a rose." I mean, okay, yeah, he's cute, but he's no Brad Pitt by any means. I just can't imagine that someone was so hell bent on "getting him" that they would do anything imaginable (and unimaginable) to achieve it. I'm actually thinking about calling the Lifetime Movie network because his side of the story sounds like any one of their Sunday movies ... guy meets girl at work, girl falls in love immediately ... guy gets drunk and has sex with girl ... guy tells girl it was just sex, nothing more ... girl goes berserk and begins stalking guy ... so, to placate her, guy has sex with girl over and over again for months ... finally getting them both fired. I'm so sure. Does he have some problems or what?

 

Actually, signing her up for a bunch of different sh*t doesn't sound like a bad idea. I don't know her exact address but do know she lives very far away from us now (at least that's what he says because she called him right before she left and asked him to go with her) and I looked up the area code from her number and it does match up) but every time his cell phone rings in the middle of the night, I panic. And as always, it's some problem at work. This is like a broken record.

 

And you guys are right, now that I think about it I wouldn't call her from my cell phone ... if I do call her, I'd have to drive to another town because if she's as ruthless and infatuated (for lack of a better word) as he says she is, she'd track us down by our area code.

 

Jesus Joseph and Mary ... is he fabulous or what? I told him that maybe he should show some of that "fabulocity" around me for a change 'cause I just don't see it.

[Trialbyfire]

Jesus Joseph and Mary ... is he fabulous or what? I told him that maybe he should show some of that "fabulocity" around me for a change 'cause I just don't see it.

Hahaha...that's the spirit Melissa. It sounds like you have more fabulocity than he does, considering how you're able to see the humour in the situation.

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie, I think that's one of the reasons (the other is I'm half afraid of what she'll tell me) I haven't called her. I certainly do not want to empower her. I want to beat the crap out of her, but not empower her.

 

I can guarantee you that your call will 'empower' her... many OW, secretly wish the W knew about them... and when the W finds out... the OW could be disappointed for being ignored... sad in a way but true.

 

and I also think that it could be somewhat 'flattering' for your husband to see his 'women' fighting over him...

 

plus this call might leave you more 'hurt' than before. She can tell you stuff that you don't really need to know or be verrrry mean and nasty, because, the truth is... she really doesn't care about your feelings.

[Melissa277]

 

I can guarantee you that your call will 'empower' her... many OW, secretly wish the W knew about them... and when the W finds out... the OW could be disappointed for being ignored... sad in a way but true.

 

and I also think that it could be somewhat 'flattering' for your husband to see his 'women' fighting over him...

 

plus this call might leave you more 'hurt' than before. She can tell you stuff that you don't really need to know or be verrrry mean and nasty, because, the truth is... she really doesn't care about your feelings.

 

Do you think she wonders why she has never heard from me? I hope that every day for the rest of her life every time her phone rings, she thinks it's me calling.

 

I told H way back when all this sh*t started that I would never fight for him and that he was free to go to her. He already thinks he's God's gift to women. I won't empower him either.

 

Believe me I know she doesn't care about my feelings. She told H she was "sorry" for getting him fired, but never mentioned me or our marriage. She was very upset when he told her to never call him again b/c he was trying to get me back. But that didn't stop her from calling him again and asking him to move away with her.

 

I guess I just want to call to let her know that I am okay. I'm not dead. I'm not in a mental institution (well not yet anyway). I don't have anorexia. I don't have any of the "usual suspects" that come with this kind of devastation. I am brokenhearted though, but that's H's fault.

[Lizzie60]

I know how you feel.... but

 

I guess I just want to call to let her know that I am okay. I'm not dead. I'm not in a mental institution (well not yet anyway). I don't have anorexia. I don't have any of the "usual suspects" that come with this kind of devastation. I am brokenhearted though, but that's H's fault.

 

She knows that.... and trust me... she'll be glad (in a way) that you call... she will feel that you're not over it... that you're still hurting and that will make her feel 'good'... I know it sounds terrible but that's probably how she will feel about your call.

[shellys-trying]

I confronted the xOW 2 months after the A ended, which was in my favor. I'd had time to cool down and get my thoughts in order.

The type of person she is, I figured she'd make a point to put herself infront of me. She did. At a local store.

She followed me in, in fact followed me to the store. I of course was armed and dangerous, in a wordsy kinda way.

 

She didn't know what hit her. I let her have it with both barrells, in a figurative way. I told her what i thought of her, her actions, her attitude, all of it.

Did I empower her? No, I wouldn't say that. I deflated her ego drastically, and I did it really nicely, in a nice way. Didn't raise my voice once. LOL

 

So, the only confrontation I had with her was probably the best thing I could have done. i felt better. She probably didn't but that wasn't the point. The point was to get some things off my chest and to make myself feel better. Not her.

 

I think a BW confronting the OW is purely up to the BW and if she wants to. If she feels like it might make it worse for herself (emotionally), no don't, but in my case, I don't regret it.

XOW didn't get nastier to me, as one poster stated the OW/xOW tend to be. On the contrary, she just became a pest to H at work, until she blew up at work and was moved to another shift shortly afterward.

Her reputation definitely preseded her, and the higher ups didn't go for outburst in the cafeteriaknew and dealt with her appropriately.

[believinZ]

hahaha... I love your way of putting things! I must have felt really really good. So much great advice. I think I will do the letter writing thing...I've had a few ppl suggest this. I will also leave noone "unscathed"... such a fantastice word... it really puts a tone to the feel doesn't it. You rock!