Did you confront OM/OW?

[believinZ]

Z, I can't blame you now for feeling there might be a negative connotation to the ring now. You are justified in that. If it took that much begging and crying for 6 long months, despite the advice of an impartial stranger then he REALLY does not get it. I am so sorry about that. Try to look back on the promise of the ring in the first place. What it initially represented.

 

It is probably good that you not go, as you said, there is no reason you should have to put up with all that. Sounds like you have plenty to keep you busy so that is good.

 

You don't need his permission to talk to the OW if that is what you need to do to be able to move forward with your life, in whatever direction you take. When I confronted the other woman I simply told my husband that I was going to do it and that he would be there. He did not want it but I insited. You are the injured party, you are the one who has to recover from the pain that he inflicted. If this is what you need as part of your healings, then it is what you need. Don't ask his permission. You don't even need to tell him you are going to do it if you don't want to. Just plan what you say carefully! Good luck!

 

Take some time for yourself tomorrow, take a nice bubble bath, or give yourself a manicure, etc.

isn't it funny how just hearing someone else give you premission to heal makes it easier :-) You are absolutely correct... I really don't need his permission to speak to the OW. Part of my problem is really understanding that it is not my job to protect my H's feelings. He certainly didn't take mine into consideration... but, I have this over sense of responsibility for everyone's wellbeing... my issue to get past. I will think very carefully what I plan to say to her and what my motives are and what the goal is for my healing processes in confronting her. I have an appt. with my shrink on Tuesday... thank God! I plan to do this once summer is here and, as a teacher, I get the perk of having summers off :-D. I will do it when all I need to focus on is my healing. I've not had time to do this since things are so crazy in my career life (going back for PhD, new resp. at work as instructional specialist and really only in my 2nd year as a teacher...) lots going on... BUT, that is a whole dif. issue I will have to do a sep. post on since really my drive to get a career, go back to school, all to help make us a 2 income family (which he thoroughly enjoys NOW) was my Hs reasoning behind his A...he was feeling neglected and the OW was all too happy to flaunt her a&& for my H and he went for it... dumba$$... she wasn't even good enough in bed to have him for more than one night... the rest of the A was all make out or phone calls... from what I have been told anyhow... sorry I digress... another post. TODAY... I am being a good mom and helping my daughter w/the father's day stuff... we are going to go to a movie (my choice Surf's Up/I have a penguin fetish :-D). I am grilling steaks (yes I spoil him even still)...and we will stop over to the inlaws (I do love my FIL) but well after everyone else has left. I personally HATE father's day... because I do not have a father and I think this is affecting even more this year since I feel a father might have protected me from all of this pain i have now... he certainly would have kicked the crap of my BIL, H, and had solid words w/the OW and would support me 100% (my fantasy daddy eh)... hugs to you all and really HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO YOU WONDERFUL DADDY'S OUT THERE... the other dad's:GET A FREAKIN CLUE!

[mopar crazy]

LMAO! Sounds like something I would do.

 

A baby huh? Well, thanks! I don't feel like a baby. My knees are already starting to hurt and ache. My sister (who is 43 tomorrow) keeps telling me "Just wait, when you hit 40 everything will go to *****!" GREAT! Whoever said the 40's are like the 20's is full of *****. I didn't have aches and pains like this when I was in my 20's.

 

This is way off topic but ... what your sister said is totally not true! Believe me. I'm way past 43 (I'm 51). But I feel much younger than I am (I am still surprised when I have to say my age out loud) and apparently look like it too. I went to a casino a couple weeks ago with my CH and my kids and I got hit for proof (he didn't - ha-ha-ha-ha). The guy that hit me said "I can't tell if you're over 30 or under 30." My kids started laughing and said "She's way over 30!" He looked at my ID and said "Oh, sorry" with a sheepish grin. I said "Sorry? You just made my day." Then last weekend, my youngest daughter's friend from college was in town and we all went to a graduation party. The friend told me that I was a MILF (Mother I'd Like to F*ck) and soon to be a GILF (Grandmother I'd Like to F*ck) because my oldest daughter is pregnant with her first child. And, (and I've never told anyone I know this), I've gotten hit on many times by younger guys (in their 20's and 30's) and when I say "do you have any idea how old I am?" they say, "I have no idea how old you are, but who the f*ck cares?" LOL. But you know what's really weird? I have been laying in the sun since I was like 15. My SIL and I used to lay out for like nine hours straight ... we'd be dizzy when we stood up for God's sake. And the funny part is I'm Irish ... green eyes, blonde hair and freckles ... but I get really dark, really fast. I used to be obsessed ... and out of control ... I would watch the sky and the sun and the clouds and run in and out of the house like a madwomen. To this day, I lay out (don't tell anyone) ... but only once in a while to get a little "color" and I still don't have any wrinkles. I keep waiting for them to show up, but so far, nope. What's up with that?

 

So, I guess the moral of this story is you are as young as you feel and if you take care of yourself (and I have, I've been working out since my youngest was 6 and she's now 23) you can look and feel younger than you are for a long, long time.

 

Unfortunatly, H still cheated, (and with a mutt, I might add) so whatever! Just do it for yourself!

 

 

Hello Melissa! I was going to PM ya instead of bringing this to the forum but you don't have it activated. Anyhow, I think it's awesome you look so great! I hope when I'm your age I can look just as good. Keep taking great care of yourself and you'll be a GGILF!!! LOL! Oh, congratulations on your being a Grandmother soon!

 

My mom is 67 and she working out at the hospital fitness center. A guy was next to her and flirting w/ her. She mentioned how it stinks getting old and having heart problems. He said something about "Aw, come on, you can't be much older than 55!" Boy, I bet her face lit up, lol. I was at the clinic w/ her one day while my dad was having surgery and we were discussing age. The receptionist guessed my mom at 56. My mom just loved that. Looking 10 years younger is awesome but if you look 20 years younger that is just fantastic! Whatever you're doing is working. Oh, about the suntanning, yep, do that too. Think I started around 13 or 14 and still do it, just not as much. I spend about an hour or so outside w/ my students so I gradually work myself into a tan. I don't sit in the sun the whole time. I do go into the shade once in awhile.

[Frances]

OH... and my wedding ring has been broken for almost 6 months now and he hasn't gotten it fixed yet... said he hasn't had time...

 

Is he able to fix the ring himself? If this is not the case why do you not take it to be fixed? Just wondering!

[Melissa277]

Hey, guys. I was just getting caught up with everyone's posts from the weekend. What the heck do you make of this? I swear my life should be a soap opera.

 

We had a horrible weekend. We fought nonstop and I'm at my wit's end. I wrote WH a letter last Wednesday (a long one ... 8 pages) because we can no longer carry on a civil conversation. I told him that I too, had been unhappy for a long time, that I have decided I am leaving and that I want a divorce ... along with a lot of other unpleasant things (see below). He spent the whole night reading it and drinking and crying. He got home from work on Thursday and got the letter out and spent the whole night again reading it, drinking and crying. I stayed in the spare room ... and refused to engage in any kind of conversation with him. I just wanted to get a few things off my chest and knew if I said them to his face, it would start a brawl, which eventually, it did.

 

All this crap started back up about a week and a half ago. I was checking his cell phone (yeah, I know, but it's terrible when you don't trust your spouse) and there was a call marked "private." I immediately became sick to my stomach because this was OW's MO. She marked all her calls to him as "private" so that if I happened to check his phone (I never did, I trusted him then) I wouldn't know who was calling him or be able to return the call and I suppose so he would know it was her and could act like it was totally work related if I was there. As soon as I found out about the A, however, I did check his phone just to confirm what a big fool I had been and there were seventeen calls in his missed call history marked "private." Now, seeing this new "private" call has just about sent me over the edge. He swears it wasn't from her and that he has not spoken to her since Jan. 2006, but he could not tell me who the call was from. He said he never looks at who's calling him, he just picks it up his phone and answers it, and that if the call was from her did I think he was stupid enough not to delete it? (Which, now that I think about it, sends up a another red flag.) But, c'mon, what normal person marks their calls as private? Certainly not our children or our family members and hopefully not the people at his new job. I think he's lying ... again. It just kills me that the OW can still have this kind of an impact on me a year and a half later. We live on opposite ends of the country, or at least we did. Maybe she packed up and moved here, just to be close to him. I would never know, I guess. The fact remains that he has never wanted me to confront that skank ho and it really bothers me. He says it's because she's a psycho and he doesn't want her to track him down. I think it's because he's afraid she'll blow his "story" about the A out of the water or at least try to convince me that he told her he was "in love with her or something." I mentioned all this in the letter, about how she's still calling and he's lying, etc. He came to the door and said I can check his phone, that there are lots of calls on it marked "unavailable ID" but I told him it's not the same thing. To mark a call private, you have to go into your phone and set your own number to "private" and doing so ensures that people (me) won't know who is calling their husband (her)! I didn't tell him this but thought about it later, if she is still calling him, it would mean that she has his new cell number and that, of course, would mean that he gave it to her. I want to call her so badly, but what if she hasn't called him? What if he's not lying? I had decided, after reading all the advice from everyone, that I wasn't going to call her, because I refused to give her, or him for that matter, any kind of empowerment or satisfaction. But now, if she is calling him again, I want to call her and rip her a new *sshole. I guess this "private" call thing really bothered him because he immediately defended himself, but I don't know whether to believe him or not and it's really tearing me up. I don't want to be a fool again.

 

The only other thing he mentioned about the letter and it's funny because you all were just talking about it, is the wedding ring thing. I have not worn my rings since Nov. 21, 2005 which was D-day. In the letter, I asked him why he has not asked me to put my rings back on. I know this sounds completely stupid and immature, but that's one of the reasons I haven't put them back on. I'm not sure I can ever wear those rings again anyway, after all our vows are permanately broken, but I would just like him to inquire for God's sake. He still wears his ring and has never taken it off, which I find totally bizarre but he thinks everything I do and think is bizarre these days. I keep remembering a conversation we had a couple of months after D-day, when we saw each other for the first time, he said to me (the first thing after "hi") was "Why aren't you wearing your wedding rings?" I was flabbergasted. This from a moron who had lied and cheated for a year and got fired from his job because of it. I said "More to the point, why are you still wearing yours?" Guess what he said? "Because we're married, that's why." Oh, geez, my bad. I forgot, you know, with all your lying and cheating and betraying on my mind. This ring thing is the only other thing besides the "private" calls that he brought up about the letter ... mumbling something about how he thought I never wanted to wear those rings again because that's what I told him on D-day. But I also told him I never wanted to see or hear from him again ... and a bunch of other stuff that he hasn't honored. So why abide by the ring thing?

 

Thanx for all your comments and support. Just wanted to talk to someone about this freakin' mess of a life of mine. I don't know whether to believe him or not. He keeps telling me how sorry he is, how much he always loved and still loves me and that he just wants to make this up to me and for us to spend the rest of our lives together. He sounds sincere but God d*mn, he's lied so much. Why am I so afraid ... both to stay with him and to leave him? I just wish the earth would open up and swallow me so I didn't have to deal with this sh*t anymore. Sorry this is so long ...

 

Melissa

[Lynna]

Sorry to hear you had such a hard weekend.

 

First, about the phone call. Do you have to register your phone number as private each time you call someone? If not, then it is possible that it is someone else. Someone from work, a family member, a friend, etc. They may have their phone registered as private due to other reasons. If you do have to do it as your dial the number each time, then your suspicions may be correct. It is hard to say. But has there been any other suspicious behavior? Can you access the timing of the call and see how long the call lasted? He might not even have answered it.

 

About your rings. He may be honest there, he knows that there are still problems between you both about the A. He knows that your marriage is not stable and that you are not happy. So it makes sense that he would not push you on that. He would leave that one up to you.

 

So he did not mention ANYTHING about you asking for a divorce? That is VERY odd. That should be the most important thing in the letter. He should also have had questions about whether one of you should move out. I know it is going to be hard, but I think you need to sit down and actually talk to him about all this. Somehow you both need to really have a conversation rather than a fight. I have no idea how, I know that is really difficult. But, if you really want a divorce then you need to actually talk about the arrangements. Have you talked to a lawyer yet?

 

You have a right to be scared about all of this. It is scary because in both cases you are facing a change in life and a risk. Each risk is different but it is still a risk. Does he have medical insurance through his work? If so that probably covers mental health. You guys might be able to talk with a counselor for a pretty low cost.

[Melissa277]

Thanks for the kind words Lynna. I feel bad for making everyone relive their own pain, but geez, I am so alone.

 

You don't have to register your number to set the "private" thing. There's a setting on all or most cell phones and you set your number to "private" and it stays that way for every call you make unless you change it (I think anyway.) He says he doesn't remember if he answered it or not, but it was listed as a "missed call" and they left no voice message. I can't imagine why anyone that would call him would have their number listed as private unless it was her, but he swears it wasn't.

 

He never mentioned anything about the divorce. I finally brought it up on Saturday and he started crying again. I told him we need to tell the kids ... I just can't do this charade anymore. After talking to her father on Saturday evening, my youngest asked me, what was wrong. I said, nothing, why? She said Dad seems really depressed and it sounded like he was crying. That really made me feel like sh*t. I hate lying to them. He told me we don't need to talk to a lawyer because it would be a waste of what little money is left and that I could have half of everything. He said he won't fight me on anything because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore but of course, this conversation ended up in a screaming match. He doesn't want a divorce ... he made that quite clear and God knows, I want to believe him. I hate the person I've become, the person he made me become ... a suspicious and untrusting FIGHTER. I pick a fight with him about everything. Everything he says, I twist into something bad and start a fight. We were at Wal Mart a couple of weeks ago and I put teeth whitner in the cart. He picked it up and said "$32.00 for teeth whitner?" Instead of saying, yeah, so? I said "Well, until teeth whitner costs us over $150,000.00, which is what we are down so far, since you f*cked her, I don't think you can say anything about money, can you?" He just looked at me like I was a lunatic while I wheeled the cart away. I guess I just want him to hurt as much as I do. And I still do, just as much as I did on D-day.

[mopar crazy]

I'm so very sorry Melissa about everything that went on this weekend. Your H sounds a lot like mine but my H never shed a damn tear! I have only seen my H cry one time in the 16.5 years we have been together and it was b/c he was drunk and he was depressed about his deceased father that died a few years prior. I don't think the man has a heart, I swear! He said he never cried when we split up, never. How heartless can he be? He doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body.

 

I don't know your WH so I don't know if he is usually sensitive about anything else. I don't know very many men that cry and are just faking it. If your H isn't usually a man that cries then I think he is probably very sorry for what he has put you through.

 

As for the private calls, could it be a telemarketer? H's xOW never used private to call him. Not on his cell, nor on the home phone. Maybe she was too stupid to know how to block the calls. I blocked my calls every time I called her at home. I'm so sorry you have to deal w/ this now. I don't blame you for checking his phone. I still do that to H's phone and the A has been over 4 years. He has NP w/ me checking it and if he did, I would think he had something to hide, red flag!

 

As for my wedding ring. I didn't wear it either after D-day. After we R he told me that he would exchange my wedding set for a better one. He said he wanted to start our M over and that meant he wanted to give me a new set. No arguments from me.

 

I would have done the same exact thing about the teeth whitener. We didn't loose half as much as you did but the lawyer fees for the D was enough to piss me off! I told him I hope the bitch was worth almost $3,000! When you live paycheck to paycheck, $3,000 is a lot of money waisted b/c he wanted to bang some skank.

 

I hope things get better for you. I know how you are feeling. Not knowing if you should work on the M or just let it go. It was such a hard decision for me and I did a lot of praying.

[OpenBook]

He never mentioned anything about the divorce. I finally brought it up on Saturday and he started crying again ... He told me we don't need to talk to a lawyer because it would be a waste of what little money is left and that I could have half of everything. He said he won't fight me on anything because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore but of course, this conversation ended up in a screaming match. He doesn't want a divorce ... he made that quite clear and God knows, I want to believe him.

 

Um, that "private" call could have been from his lawyer. Do you know exactly what your financial situation is? Have you checked everything out yourself (instead of taking his word for it)?? If I were you, I would beg borrow & steal the money to go talk to a lawyer yourself. You need to know where you stand.

[believinZ]

OH... and my wedding ring has been broken for almost 6 months now and he hasn't gotten it fixed yet... said he hasn't had time...

 

Is he able to fix the ring himself? If this is not the case why do you not take it to be fixed? Just wondering!

I have gotten it fixed myself once ... I don't know ... it feels symbolic to me... this is really stupid perhaps, but I feel he should be the one to fix it since he said he would... I need him to not break atleast one promise to me... and it would be nice if it would happen BEFORE tears are shed or feelings are hurt. I've berated myself... trust me... because my logical side says ... get over it and just take care of the problem... BUT the emotional side of me...says...STOP being the one to have to FIX every fu@%ing thing already!...

 

PS,... he says the ring should be ready by Wed. he also finally got me the mother's day gift he had promised and shown me pics of, but had other priorities... of course

[believinZ]

Thanks for the kind words Lynna. I feel bad for making everyone relive their own pain, but geez, I am so alone.

 

You don't have to register your number to set the "private" thing. There's a setting on all or most cell phones and you set your number to "private" and it stays that way for every call you make unless you change it (I think anyway.) He says he doesn't remember if he answered it or not, but it was listed as a "missed call" and they left no voice message. I can't imagine why anyone that would call him would have their number listed as private unless it was her, but he swears it wasn't.

 

He never mentioned anything about the divorce. I finally brought it up on Saturday and he started crying again. I told him we need to tell the kids ... I just can't do this charade anymore. After talking to her father on Saturday evening, my youngest asked me, what was wrong. I said, nothing, why? She said Dad seems really depressed and it sounded like he was crying. That really made me feel like sh*t. I hate lying to them. He told me we don't need to talk to a lawyer because it would be a waste of what little money is left and that I could have half of everything. He said he won't fight me on anything because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore but of course, this conversation ended up in a screaming match. He doesn't want a divorce ... he made that quite clear and God knows, I want to believe him. I hate the person I've become, the person he made me become ... a suspicious and untrusting FIGHTER. I pick a fight with him about everything. Everything he says, I twist into something bad and start a fight. We were at Wal Mart a couple of weeks ago and I put teeth whitner in the cart. He picked it up and said "$32.00 for teeth whitner?" Instead of saying, yeah, so? I said "Well, until teeth whitner costs us over $150,000.00, which is what we are down so far, since you f*cked her, I don't think you can say anything about money, can you?" He just looked at me like I was a lunatic while I wheeled the cart away. I guess I just want him to hurt as much as I do. And I still do, just as much as I did on D-day.

OH Melissa... I wish I could give you a hug. I've become the same person you just described. There are days I can contain that very angry, resentful person inside of me... and then there are days when I don't even care to try. It is so so so hard when kids are involved. I've not told my daughter about the A, but she knows I am depressed and seeing a Dr. I know she worries... my H has moved out twice over the past year and of course that upsets her and if you are like me... in my mind I feel like I've done nothing but screw things over, which makes me want to lash out at H even more because I DIDNT' CAUSE THIS SH*T... so why hell do I feel guilty.

 

I would have gone off my H's a$$ in the store as well if he was going to haggle about freaking teethwhitner... I might have even given him a jab about how white I want my teeth to be so when I'M SINGLE I'll have a GREAT smile for SOMEONE who gives a rat's a$$ and wants ONLY to make me smile vs. cry and be angry... so there... you have every single right to feel angry. However, it is not a place to stuck in. Please, please... do not get stuck in that other person's mind frame...I'm sure you are a fighter, but fight for YOU and what YOU WANT... let me repeat... what YOU WANT!!!

 

As for the finances... I swear girl-friend... that would send me over the edge too... I got totallly POed simply knowing my H bought the OW skank drinks and some movies... wasted OUR money on a wh@re... I seriously do not blame you... makes me angry just thinking about it... BUT... we are NOT going to wallow in this resentment...

 

A friend of mine told me about a prayer... it is a resentment prayer... because God knows we get angry and cuss (even if not outloud it is in our heart and head...so he hears)... so why fake it... tell God what you are feeling... the prayer goes something like this...

 

"Dear Heavenly Father... I prayer for the mother fu@#er's soul I wish them/him/her all they deserve and good health. Please help me to let go of this resentment...." I can't remember the rest...I'll have to look at my emails again... but you get the jist. Prayer for them and maybe in doing so it will soon be less angry and less resentful and more YOU focused. I'm trying... not there yet, but trying is better than not... right :-)

[silktricks]

He says he doesn't remember if he answered it or not, but it was listed as a "missed call" and they left no voice message. I can't imagine why anyone that would call him would have their number listed as private unless it was her, but he swears it wasn't.

I wouldn't be too upset about this (if you can manage). I've found in the last 3 years that there are a LOT of people who set their cell phones to private and leave them that way.

 

He never mentioned anything about the divorce. I finally brought it up on Saturday and he started crying again. I told him we need to tell the kids ...

Have you truly decided you want a divorce, or was this desperation at his lack of understanding talking? Do you still love him at all, or are you simply beyond it now. Just too much pain to continue?

 

He said he won't fight me on anything because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore but of course, this conversation ended up in a screaming match. He doesn't want a divorce ... he made that quite clear and God knows, I want to believe him.

Now this sounds like you really don't want a divorce either. . .

 

I guess I just want him to hurt as much as I do. And I still do, just as much as I did on D-day.

Well, if it's any consolation. He probably does.

 

But. . . he doesn't understand that he needs to really come clean with you, and it sounds like you don't believe he has. (But he may not have come clean with himself, either.)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Melissa277]

Um, that "private" call could have been from his lawyer. Do you know exactly what your financial situation is? Have you checked everything out yourself (instead of taking his word for it)?? If I were you, I would beg borrow & steal the money to go talk to a lawyer yourself. You need to know where you stand.

 

I don't think he's smart enough to have already lined up a lawyer, I mean, we are talking about a man who claims he was "forced" into having an affair. Not exactly a brainiac. He wouldn't do that to me anyway ... he feels like a big piece of sh*t now and besides I know things ... things he wouldn't want others to know.

 

I know exactly what our financial situation is ... unless he's got some sort of off shore account. Just kidding ... I wish he did for God's sake. I've been taking care of the bills and money for twenty-five years but I definitely plan to talk to a lawyer if it comes right down to it, even though he promises me he won't stand in my way of anything. Not surprisingly, trusting him isn't something I do anymore.

[Lynna]

Melissa, you say that he does not want a divorce. But you also said that you pick a fight with him over everything. What is his reason for not wanting a divorce? It sounds like neither one of you is happy right now, and have not been for a long time.

 

Yes, it sounds like you definitely need to tell the kids something. They know something is going on, and likely they have known it for awhile if you have been staying in the guest room. You don't have to tell them the whole truth, but you should let them know that you guys are having problems.

[Melissa277]

I'm so very sorry Melissa about everything that went on this weekend. Your H sounds a lot like mine but my H never shed a damn tear! I have only seen my H cry one time in the 16.5 years we have been together and it was b/c he was drunk and he was depressed about his deceased father that died a few years prior. I don't think the man has a heart, I swear! He said he never cried when we split up, never. How heartless can he be? He doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body.

 

I don't know your WH so I don't know if he is usually sensitive about anything else. I don't know very many men that cry and are just faking it. If your H isn't usually a man that cries then I think he is probably very sorry for what he has put you through.

 

As for the private calls, could it be a telemarketer? H's xOW never used private to call him. Not on his cell, nor on the home phone. Maybe she was too stupid to know how to block the calls. I blocked my calls every time I called her at home. I'm so sorry you have to deal w/ this now. I don't blame you for checking his phone. I still do that to H's phone and the A has been over 4 years. He has NP w/ me checking it and if he did, I would think he had something to hide, red flag!

 

As for my wedding ring. I didn't wear it either after D-day. After we R he told me that he would exchange my wedding set for a better one. He said he wanted to start our M over and that meant he wanted to give me a new set. No arguments from me.

 

I would have done the same exact thing about the teeth whitener. We didn't loose half as much as you did but the lawyer fees for the D was enough to piss me off! I told him I hope the bitch was worth almost $3,000! When you live paycheck to paycheck, $3,000 is a lot of money waisted b/c he wanted to bang some skank.

 

I hope things get better for you. I know how you are feeling. Not knowing if you should work on the M or just let it go. It was such a hard decision for me and I did a lot of praying.

 

He has been crying for a year and a half. Maybe that's a sign, huh? I told my sister that I wished his eyeballs would just dry up. He's cried more than I have for cripe's sake.

 

The calls bother me. Maybe they are from a telemarketer or something. The other day his phone rang and he ran in and showed me that the call was marked "private." He answered it and told the person they had the wrong number ... he said they asked for Nancy or something like that. Who knows? I sure don't.

 

Sorry for the late response. I haven't been on LS for a while. Our friend's son was killed in a car accident and I was home for a while. So freakin' sad.

 

Thanks for everything. I'm working on forgiving. Life is too short.

[bish]

Do you confront the OM/OW??

 

Hell yes you do. And you let them know just what you think of them too.

 

But what is one gonna say really. If it were me and I found myself in that situation, I wouldn't get violent cuz its against what I am taught.

 

I wouldn't forbid the OM to stay away from my wife. I'd give the both of them enough rope to hang themselves with.

 

But I would forbid him to be in any contact with my children and I would tell my wife it is unacceptable.

 

And if the OM gets violent with me....hehehehe. Well then, mission accomplished, I can fight back and it would be self-defense and a painful lesson for that low-life.

 

To elaborate about contacting the OM, I think its good idea for others if they can control themselves.

 

Me on the other hand, I probably wouldn't want to face the OM. I'm afraid I'd be in prison after that for mayhem.

[Melissa277]

OH Melissa... I wish I could give you a hug. I've become the same person you just described. There are days I can contain that very angry, resentful person inside of me... and then there are days when I don't even care to try.

A friend of mine told me about a prayer... it is a resentment prayer... because God knows we get angry and cuss (even if not outloud it is in our heart and head...so he hears)... so why fake it... tell God what you are feeling... the prayer goes something like this...

 

"Dear Heavenly Father... I prayer for the mother fu@#er's soul I wish them/him/her all they deserve and good health. Please help me to let go of this resentment...." I can't remember the rest...I'll have to look at my emails again... but you get the jist. Prayer for them and maybe in doing so it will soon be less angry and less resentful and more YOU focused. I'm trying... not there yet, but trying is better than not... right :-)

 

 

I am trying to let go of the anger and resentment. I'm really working hard. Every time that little voice in my head says "Why the heck are you being nice to this cheating *sshole?" I try to push it out and think of something a bit more pleasant like nuclear war or the plague.

 

How 'bout the Serenity Prayer - "God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference?"

[Melissa277]

Have you truly decided you want a divorce, or was this desperation at his lack of understanding talking? Do you still love him at all, or are you simply beyond it now. Just too much pain to continue?

 

But. . . he doesn't understand that he needs to really come clean with you, and it sounds like you don't believe he has. (But he may not have come clean with himself, either.)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

As usual, you completely understand what I'm talking about. I don't want a divorce. I still love him, although I know I will never again feel the same way. But you know what? I know that if it doesn't work out, I will be fine and I think he knows it too. We finally had a breakthrough ... he came clean (at least I think so) and has promised to answer all my questions from now on. He said he hasn't lied since D-day, that everything he said was true. I guess I believe him. He cried the whole time. It was so painful, but I do finally believe that he is sorry, truly sorry. I'm trying to forgive. Thanks for the hugs. They really helped.

[Melissa277]

Melissa, you say that he does not want a divorce. But you also said that you pick a fight with him over everything. What is his reason for not wanting a divorce? It sounds like neither one of you is happy right now, and have not been for a long time.

 

Yes, it sounds like you definitely need to tell the kids something. They know something is going on, and likely they have known it for awhile if you have been staying in the guest room. You don't have to tell them the whole truth, but you should let them know that you guys are having problems.

 

He never wanted a divorce. He's been trying to get me back since D-day (Nov. 21, 2005). When we first moved back in together (April 23, 2006), I think we both were in denial. We would be happy on Sunday and by Wednesday, I wasn't speaking to him again and he would beg and plead and I would give in and on and on and on. It's been such a rollercoaster ride because he would not come clean and my mind was telling me to do this and do that to hurt him and I just couldn't stop myself. I started and the fights because I thought (and still do) that he should be working harder than he was (is) at times. He'd say some stupid remark either making fun of me or critizing me about something. When I got p*ssed, he'd say "Geez, I was just kidding" etc. I got mad because I don't think someone in his position should be making fun of or critizing anyone, especially me. The teeth whitner thing is one example. His A costs us thousands and thousands of dollars. I was spending 32. If I had been him, I wouldn't have said a damn word, but he just couldn't hold his tongue. He never has been able to and it always starts fights. I told him he needs to pick his battles carefully from now on. If I mess up majorly, okay. But if I burn the chicken, let it go for God's sake. So, we made a deal. Every time he says something that I take offense at, I'm going to say "Well, at least I'm not a liar, cheater, and a job loser." He doesn't realize how often he does it, but I'm bettin' he will now.

 

As far as the kids go, they know what happened, but think that since we've moved back in together everything has been okay. They're all out on their own ... that's why I haven't said anything. Why put them through more pain and agony when I don't know what's going to happen? I just try to put on a brave front when I talk to them, but he can't do it. He sounds suicidal when he talks to them and then they want to know what's going on.

 

As I said in the above posts, I'm really trying to forgive him and let go of the anger. He seems happy and hopeful that I finally believe him. I'm just praying nothing else happens. I also found a marriage counselor (our insurance will cover all but a $20.00 copay for 20 visits) and am trying to convince him that we need to go. He says we don't because he made a "stupid, f*ckin' God kill me please mistake that had nothing to do with us," but there's too much water under the bridge ... too many hurtful things have been said and done that can never be taken back.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Melissa,

 

Can you turn on your PM's?

[Lynna]

Very glad to hear that you are talking and that you have found a way to communicate! That is a VERY positive step for being able to stay together. I am also very glad he has agreed to counseling. Whether there was anything wrong initially or not, there is DEFINITELY something wrong now and having a disinterested third party will help foster that communication and help you both progress beyond the stages of anger, grief, and miscommunication. Go to all the sessions, I am sure they will help. You sound more analytical now rather and less emotional which is also a good thing. Probably as a result of you both being able to talk to each other and by him agreeing to do whatever you need to help you get through this. I am very happy for you. It will still be a long road, but now you are picking up speed!

[silktricks]

So glad that he's agreed to MC. Of course it's necessary, or else you wouldn't ask him to go!!! Tell him the very fact that you think it's necessary means that it is indeed necessary!

 

About the phone, if it happens again with the private number tell him that you would very much like to be the person who answers it. I don't know if you'd recognize the ow's voice, but evenso his reaction will be telling.

 

Getting over an a is a horrible mixture of pain and sorrow. Please remember that you can get through this. It takes time and a ton of love and consideration from your h.

 

The fact that he's now aware of the depth of your pain and anger is actually a good thing. It's also an important step that he's allowing you to are the depth of pain about what he did.

 

Seing my h cry about his actions and sorrow over my pain has been an important part of my healing process.

 

Take care!!