HPChamber17 Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 What started as an innocent crush early in my college career has quickly developed into a lasting and fulfilling friendship that has reached this point, just shortly after we have graduated. My best girl friend and I shared a class together, and from the first class of the semester, I developed a small crush on her. With her blonde hair, blue eyes and charming smile, I thought she was one of the most attractive girls on campus. After a few weeks of not talking to each other, we were grouped together for a project. As it so happened, we struck up a conversation during the first meeting and this conversation sparked a friendship. We began talking in class and on AIM, and my crush continued to grow. After getting to know her better, I decided to tell her about my crush, perhaps hoping that we could date. Unfortunately, this idea didn't go over so well, as she was currently seeing someone, and my small hopes were dashed; still, I had our friendship to hold on to, and little did I know that we would become best friends. We are complete opposites - I am quiet and shy and am a long-term relationship type of guy, and she is outgoing and personable but has never had a serious relationship in her life; yet, somehow, we get along extremely well (we've never really had an argument), and I have become the only guy whom she completely trusts. During the course of her four years at school, she has spent time dating a bunch of guys, "playing the field" if you will, but all with the notion that she wouldn't get too attached to a single guy out of the fear of getting hurt (she has had a lot of issues with guys in the past). Throughout all of her trials and tribulations with these guys and also her difficult roommates, I have been there - the crutch to lean on and the shoulder to cry on. I've relished this role because it has given me the chance to get to know her fully as a person and friend, and, at the same time, my feelings for her never really developed past that first crush. Don't get me wrong, I have always been attracted to her because she is a beautiful girl, but I always figured that things would never work out between us as a couple because we are too different. Still, we did a lot of things that couples do (late-night movie marathons, hours and hours of conversation about random and serious stuff, hanging out and drinking with friends, even saying "I love you" to each other on occasion), and buried somewhere in the back of my head, I always wondered if things between the two of us would progress any further. I must have kept that thought buried pretty deep because it was only recently that I woke up one day and felt that things had changed, at least to me. The second I woke up, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and since that day, I have thought about her more and more and wished that we could be together as a couple. I think I finally realized that the friendship and relationship we have is something special, and it has taken a lot of time and effort to build. During all of that time, we have developed a trust that only we share, and I find it hard to imagine that I will find this with anyone else. With these new feelings somewhat overwhelming me and the fact that we have always been honest with each other, I decided to tell her about how I felt. I explained to her how much I care about her and love her as a person and that I honestly thought we had the potential to be a great couple. I also explained to her that with all of the stuff she has had to go through with different guys, she deserved someone she could trust and who would treat her well. At the time, I honestly believed that she would tell me she felt the same way and that we would be together, but I was wrong. She told me that she did have some feelings for me, but she was too scared to get attached to me, knowing full well that if we became a couple, our relationship would be long-term and lasting, and she just isn't ready for that type of relationship. With our recent graduation from college, she is excited to meet new people and see the kind of guys that are out there, and she isn't prepared to tie herself down at such a young age. To be honest, I don't know if these are just cop out excuses for her to avoid hurting me because she really doesn't have feelings like that for me or if she really isn't ready to settle down. This new development has left me somewhat confused on what to do now. We have talked since our "couple" conversation, and everything seemed like normal, but I am completely unsure if things are going to remain that way. Plus, I have to deal with these feelings for her and decide how I am going to manage being her best friend amidst my broken heart. So what now? Hold out hope that she will one day realize that I am the one for her? That option seems slim since she wants to be unattached and continue to play the field. Cut all contact with her until I move on? Neither of us wants that, especially at the risk of losing the friendship that we have. How about acting like I never said the things I did and continue on as if nothing had happened?... Any insight or help is greatly appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read all of this.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I wouldn't hold out any hope. She rejected you soundly, albeit nicely - but make no doubt about it, it was a solid rejection wrapped in some kind words which are designed to keep you around as the 'friend guy'. No one likes to lose the 'friend guy'. Friend guys are handy to have around as companions, ego boosters, emotional tampons, etc. Why do you think there are so many of them around? If you can stand daily heartbreak, then remain her 'friend'. If you have even an ounce of self preservation, then make a clean break. As long as you remain in her life as her 'friend guy' she will never, ever consider dating you. If you want a chance at that, however remote - you will need to extricate yourself from this, and walk away from her. She won't note your worth to her, until you leave her. Perhaps she will reconsider, and decide that you are Mr. Right after all and come running for you and willing to fight for you. I can guarantee you this though: she never will as long as you are 'there for her'. She will simply continue to keep you around as 'friend guy' for as long as you let her. Moving on is tricky. You have to really be willing to do that - because there is a very good chance that she will simply let you walk out of her life, and not give you a backward glance as you walk away. Then again, she may pop up in your life again, but there is always the chance that by that time you have found someone who makes you happy and WANTS to be your girlfriend. After all, every day you waste being this girl's 'friend' you are stealing from the girl who could be your 'girlfriend'. Its your heart though, and you have to decide what type of gamble to take and what you are willing to lose in the short run, and possibly gain in the long run.
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 It's tough to be around someone you love and want, knowing they aren't interested in anything more than friendship. It all depends on how much you can handle, and also, (most importantly) if you get move through the feelings, let her go from your heart and have a friendship without all the love feelings... By sticking with her, you'll miss the opportunity to meet someone else. Time will tell, but I suggest you back off abit and let yourself detach from her.
Arazi1982 Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 I've been through this, its what took me to this site. Hard truths. 1) She's probably not as great as you think she is - if she was, she'd feel the same about you. 2) Think of a friend (girl) you know but are completely unattracted to. That's the way this girl feels about you. Forget about her not trying to be attached or playing the field or any other excuse, she's never going to "fall" for you. End of story. 3) You are just a friend. And to her you're probably not as close as you think you are. It suits her having you around especially when you clearly demonstrate to her that you are dependent on her to be happy. Trust me, its like a beacon, she can see this a mile away. As long as you continue to act like the soft touch she'll keep you around. 4) There's only one solution and you already know it. Its time for her to go. Yeah it'll feel crap (understatement) for a while and you'll probably relapse and contact her and go back to being the lovesick puppy pining for her unrequited attention. But nothing's going to change. The daydreams will be continuous and you'll feel down for what seems like ages. Time to man up, get some balls and find someone who wants you. Life's short, you've played your hand and she wasn't interested. That's that. Don't go soft, just drop her from your personal life. If she asks all you have to say is "sorry, not interested being friends any more, i'm looking for something & someone else." You don't owe her anything. Its time for you to start thinking about yourself now. This happens to loads of people around the world. You're not the first and you're not going to be the last. Nobody's saying its going to be easy but decide the type of man you want to be. Its up to you.
norajane Posted June 17, 2007 Posted June 17, 2007 During the course of her four years at school, she has spent time dating a bunch of guys, "playing the field" if you will, but all with the notion that she wouldn't get too attached to a single guy out of the fear of getting hurt (she has had a lot of issues with guys in the past) With our recent graduation from college, she is excited to meet new people and see the kind of guys that are out there, and she isn't prepared to tie herself downAnd that's the bottom line - she isn't anywhere near getting beyond her issues and is going to continue her pattern of sport dating for a long time to come because she doesn't want to get over her issues. She's not even trying. She likes her lifestyle. And she's not interested in you in the same way you are interested in her. Of course she likes having you around, but you are not a love interest for her. I agree with what everyone else has said. All the time you waste waiting for her to come around is time you could be spending with someone who is open to you and who actually would fall in love with you. Wouldn't you like to feel how that feels instead of watching her date yet another guy while you go home alone every night? You've already wasted 4 years of college where you could have been getting to know other girls. Don't waste more of your precious time. Get out there and live your life, date girls, fall in love, enjoy yourself.
Chipite Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I know what it's like to fall for someone, and them not feeling the same way. It's horrible. Not too long ago I fell for a female friend. We are so alike personality wise and have similar interests, I thought we'd be really good together as a couple. I thought there was a very good chance she'd feel the same. But alas, sadly no that wasn't the case. I was absolutely heartbroken. And it was very difficult and frustrating for me for some time afterwards. Knowing how I felt about her and that we'd be really good for each other, but her not feeling the same. I was hoping that one day her feeling towards would change, but that never happened. I'll cut the story short there, but with the passing of time things did get easier for me untill the time came when my crush on her had completely worn off. Sadly not long after that, a chain of events of misunderstandings led us to fall out as friends(but hope we can make up again soon). But that's another story...... Sorry to be blunt. But if she tells you she's not interested in being more than friends it's best to take that as an absolute definite no. As difficult and frustrating as it may be, it's best to assume that she'll never change her mind over time. And to look elsewhere if you're looking for a partner, or forget about her as potential love interest anyway. If you want to keep her as a friend, it's best you do this, otherwise there could be later problems with your friendship. Things WILL get better for you over time. The passing of time is a healer. If however, you are so in love with her and really can't handle being no more than friends with her, then it may be worth considering letting her go. Otherwise you'll kill yourself(not literally) with the frustration of it.
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