D-Day #2... Two Years Later.

[IWALH]

I am here and fine. In San Francisco right now on vacation. He called me the next morning and said she was going to a divorce lawyer and everything was just happening sooner than he was planning. He asked if I had to go on vacation and if I could move up there right away. I told him I did have to go but I would be back next Monday. So he is planning on coming down to help me move up there some time next week. It's all happening like a whirlwind.

 

She called and left a message on my phone this morning and a few things she said struck a cord. So I finally called her back. She told me I was a bad person and she couldn't believe me. She said she expected it from him but not me.... I don't blame her for anything she said about me. She was basically begging me to tell her what was going on because ALL he told her was that I called him earlier in the day and he was calling me back (when she caught him on the phone with me). She doesn't know about anything that has been going on and he won't tell her the truth. She wanted to know how long we have been talking, I didn't tell her. She wanted to know if we were talking before they all came down for my daughter's birthday, I didn't tell her. She KNOWS everything.... she just wants validation, I think. But until I figure out what exactly is going to happen with him, I don't want to ruin things by telling her everything again just like I did a few years ago!! She was getting very angry and raising her voice and cussing... something that was kind of out of character for her. At one point she started to cry and then hung up on me and called back a minute or two later. That seriously broke my heart and made my eyes well up. I KNOW what I have been doing is NOT RIGHT. And as much as I try, I CAN'T justify it. I am so in love with this guy that he has me turning into someone I am not.... a liar. I haven't outright lied to her... but I have lied by omission. I am just not telling her anything.

 

She told me that during the initial affair and also the other day he said he wanted to keep me on the side in case their marriage doesn't work. I actually asked him if I was his back up plan a few months ago and he told me of course not and was offended I would ask that. I called him earlier today after I spoke with her and told him she said that and he said it wasn't true.

 

I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know what is going to happen between them. I don't know what is going to happen between us. And I feel so ****ty for what I have been doing to everyone affected.... namely the kids. I don't MEAN to be such a bad person.... and I truly am not.... I just don't know how to handle all of this!!!

 

This morning he called me and told me he loved me twice and said he is going to treat me like a princess.... that made me feel so happy. But is that what is really going to happen??????

 

I have no idea.....

[torranceshipman]

Hey IWALH, well....as you say he's turned you into a liar...in fact you have to be a liar to be with him, and do things that make you feel like a bad person.

 

And you're still after his approval and validation.

 

Just not good, what he's done to you, and to his family.

 

I'd never want to see one of my friends with a guy like this - and so I don't want to see you with him either as it obviously bothers you to have to lie, etc - you'd be WELL rid of him, and consider this: you have to compromise your principles in order to be with him. That's a lot to ask of anyone: kind of selling your soul to get what you want.

 

Sorry if that sounds judgemental, it really isn't meant to, I just think it's awful - and this guy (who is also asking you to uproot immediately to be with him) - is not a nice person - at all. You and his W are worth SO much more and I wish you could see that.

[NoIDidn't]

IWALH

 

I am surprised by your behavior. I really am. You had me thinking you are this really nice girl who is trying to do the right thing - tell the truth even if you do hurt her in doing so - but didn't do it when it came down to it.

 

I am not your mother or any other authority figure in your life, but I am really disappointed.

 

I don't know what you see in this slimeball. If he was a man, he wouldn't place the ball so squarely into his W's court for the divorce he claims to want himself. Don't hold your breath. This is very, very far from over.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I am surprised by your behavior. I really am. You had me thinking you are this really nice girl who is trying to do the right thing - tell the truth even if you do hurt her in doing so - but didn't do it when it came down to it.

 

"Really nice girls" do not sleep with someone elses husband in the same hotel suite as his wife and kids, when the wife has been understanding enough to take a trip to celebrate the birthday of a child her husband had with this woman. Are you kidding me, the wife cursed????? What a tramp. This woman has tried to be understanding of your situation and forgiving of her husband and both of you used that! Thank God she's getting out! Don't tell her, she knows enough.

 

Any two people who would manipulate another human beings life in this manner deserve each other. In fact I think that the two of you should be shackled together for life.

 

A nice girl NID???? What on earth made you think that???

[whichwayisup]

You owe it to her to TELL her all, even if that means you lose MM.

 

I know you 'love' MM, but really, other than he makes you 'feel' good certain times amongst all this drama going on, what does he really DO for you?? IS he really a friend? Loving, giving, kind hearted? All I see is a very selfish and piggish man who is putting two women through HELL! And let's not even open to the door about the kids involved in all this. It's a MESS and even if you two DO end up together, those kids WILL suffer because of how this situation is being handled.

 

You know he's a liar, a cheater and doesn't respect anyone, he's selfish, so think about this, IS HE the type of man with 'morals' that you want raising your child?? He's capable of some bad choices and continues to make bad choices, not a great example or someone who is genuinally honest and a role model...

 

I really wish you'd stayed in NC as back then things were better for YOU! Letting him back into your life was a big mistake. I hope you figure this out and do what's best for you and your child, screw what he thinks/feel as it just doesn't matter.

[Onelife]

One thing that really bothers me, you said in one of your post that you don't even think he loves your daughter (who is his daughter too!).

 

I really think that is something you need to worry about. The love for you is for one thing! But the love for his own daughter is another thing and isn't it supposed to be a bigger thing? IMO anyway!

[NoIDidn't]

A nice girl NID???? What on earth made you think that???

 

Okay, I admit it. My BS (for bullsh*t) radar wasn't on for this sitch.

 

She (IWALH, no disrespect intended, honest) has said how guilty she feels and seems really sincere about it. But then she turns around and does this. Its shocking. Its disappointing. Its hard to know what she has posted on this thread of how his W is being gaslighted and willfully deceived by the both of them.

 

There are children involved here. This MM has made no mention, at least not according to her posts, of that child at all. I mean, he wants a woman to uproot a child for his comfort and convenience. If there was ever a case to be made of an A as an addiction, this one is it.

 

This isn't love. Its a sick, sick addiction. He is going to use her up and damage her and everyone else involved. She moves up there for his convenience and he will flip flop between her and his "family" that he's going to have a hard time leaving. Of course the W cursed at her, she's had enough of the lying. Who wouldn't respond this way after they have been nothing but accommodating and still weren't getting the truth. The W's gloves are coming off now, so she'd better be ready for a wild and extremely unpleasant ride.

 

All this and the child they share is going to get lost in the shuffle. Its just so sad and angering. I hope IWALH comes to her senses and doesn't uproot herself for this FROG. Throw him back in the pond.

[IWALH]

Lots has been going on, I guess. He has been calling me every day now, from his phone. He tells me the things that are going on at home. They are definitely getting divorced, etc.

 

I know I do sound like a horrible person... and my actions justify that. But deep down I truly am not. You don't understand what this whole thing has been doing to me internally. It's been killing me inside. I do feel guilty and awful about the whole thing... but I also do truly love him. I wish I wouldn't have fallen in love with someone who was married, but I did. Ugh.... I don't even know what to say or think about the whole thing. This entire "affair" has been SO out of character for me. My family that knows doesn't even know what to think. They are very supportive of me and love me unconditionally... but they think I am going to end up getting hurt really badly and they think pursuing something with him is going to end up hurting my daughter. If my daughter gets hurt in any way EVER, that will crush me...

 

I couldn't stand the guilt and decided that his wife, him and I did all need to get together to get everything out on the table. So I wrote her the following email last week:

 

Hi,

 

I think you are right. It would be a good idea to get things out in the open with the 3 of us all in the same room. I'll be in town next week. Let me know (by email or phone) if you are still up to it.

 

Thanks...

 

 

Today she finally responded with this:

 

Hey,

I just now got this email, at work, while deleting old mail. I don't know why I didn't see it earlier because I check my email frequently.

Anyway, it's probably pointless. Danny will never tell the truth. Not even to himself. I can't trust either of you, and I've had enough.

You guys can have each other.

Good luck.

 

 

I wrote her back again, but I forget everything that I said. I told her that if she had any questions about anything she could ask me and I would be honest with her. I really will be 100% honest with her if she has any questions. I never actually outright told her a lie... I lied by omission.... which is just as bad, I know... if not worse. But..... gosh, I just don't know.

 

He wants me to move up there just while the whole divorce is getting taken care of and then he said he would move down here so I could be closer to my mother and be able to finish school easier and have help from her. So he isn't really selfish like some of you have said. He just doesn't want to move down here while he is going through the divorce because it would be too much of a hassle to commute for everything.

 

I'll keep you posted on anything else that happens.

[mopar crazy]

Lots has been going on, I guess. He has been calling me every day now, from his phone. He tells me the things that are going on at home. They are definitely getting divorced, etc.

 

I know I do sound like a horrible person... and my actions justify that. But deep down I truly am not. You don't understand what this whole thing has been doing to me internally. It's been killing me inside. I do feel guilty and awful about the whole thing... but I also do truly love him. I wish I wouldn't have fallen in love with someone who was married, but I did. Ugh.... I don't even know what to say or think about the whole thing. This entire "affair" has been SO out of character for me. My family that knows doesn't even know what to think. They are very supportive of me and love me unconditionally... but they think I am going to end up getting hurt really badly and they think pursuing something with him is going to end up hurting my daughter. If my daughter gets hurt in any way EVER, that will crush me...

 

I couldn't stand the guilt and decided that his wife, him and I did all need to get together to get everything out on the table. So I wrote her the following email last week:

 

Hi,

 

I think you are right. It would be a good idea to get things out in the open with the 3 of us all in the same room. I'll be in town next week. Let me know (by email or phone) if you are still up to it.

 

Thanks...

 

 

Today she finally responded with this:

 

Hey,

I just now got this email, at work, while deleting old mail. I don't know why I didn't see it earlier because I check my email frequently.

Anyway, it's probably pointless. Danny will never tell the truth. Not even to himself. I can't trust either of you, and I've had enough.

You guys can have each other.

Good luck.

 

 

I wrote her back again, but I forget everything that I said. I told her that if she had any questions about anything she could ask me and I would be honest with her. I really will be 100% honest with her if she has any questions. I never actually outright told her a lie... I lied by omission.... which is just as bad, I know... if not worse. But..... gosh, I just don't know.

 

He wants me to move up there just while the whole divorce is getting taken care of and then he said he would move down here so I could be closer to my mother and be able to finish school easier and have help from her. So he isn't really selfish like some of you have said. He just doesn't want to move down here while he is going through the divorce because it would be too much of a hassle to commute for everything.

 

I'll keep you posted on anything else that happens.

 

From what she has said in her email I think she has decided she wants the D. She doesn't seem upset, actually quiet calm, unlike I would be.

 

I don't think a meeting is going to solve anything. I think she has decided it's not worth it and is going to go on w/ her life.

 

I would not move down there. Let them sort their D out w/o you being in the middle. If he really loves you he will understand and he will move where you are at as soon as things settle.

[PoshPrincess]

I would not move down there. Let them sort their D out w/o you being in the middle. If he really loves you he will understand and he will move where you are at as soon as things settle.

 

I totally agree with Mopar here. I don't think it would be beneficial for you to uproot your life and move up there only to move again later on. Let him prove himself to you before you do anything that drastic. Once the D is over you will have the rest of your lives together.

[woe_is_me]

IMO, the good thing about D-Day is it puts eveyone involved back to reality (in more ways than before the D-Day).

 

The truth is the truth hurts. But it's good to find out though. xMM always says he will love me forever. And after D-Day I found out that "Forever" happens to arrive so soon. Well I wasn't prepared for it but it's still good things happened the way it did so I know the truth and don't have to live in my dream for too long.

 

I sound bitter too and agree with PoshPrincess that it's a good sign.

 

Oh so true, OneLife. And i fully agree with Seen It All...

 

I'd be freaking out if his W was trying to get in touch with me IWALH!

 

Since i accidentally got xMM busted i've heard NOTHING..! not a thing..!

It's all quite eerie really. But i'm moving along nicely having learnt that actions truly speak louder than words..

 

When you don't know what to do IWALH it's best to do nothing..

 

Don't relocate for him!!

[pricillia]

Everyone is telling her not to do this and not to do that. She needs to do what is in her heart.

 

Iwalah... I know that you are scared... you should be. You are going to stand by this man while he is going through a divorce, and if I am not mistaken you were once friends with the wife?...

 

I was just wondering if you really want to move there... I mean really...

[NoIDidn't]

I bet if you took him out of the picture, she doesn't want to move there. He's the only reason for the move. And that's not a good idea.

 

Following your heart in a situation that calls for a cool, clear head is not a good idea either.