capri Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Long story short, H has had multiple secret 'friendships.' One of them lasted for most of our marriage, and only in the last two years did I become steadily more aware of the situation, and get more bits and pieces of the truth. He was good friends (at least) with her during the 9 months we were separated many years ago. About a year ago, he assured our first counselor he was now an open book and that I knew it because he'd given me his e-mail password. Shortly after, I pieced together the likelihood that he was still e-mailing her, and he admitted to several conversations with her via his work e-mail. So much for open book-ness. A couple of months after that, I told him it was her or me, and he told me two days later he'd written her an e-mail ending all contact. He gave me no proof, said he immediately deleted his e-mail and her response, and 'couldn't remember' what he said in the e-mail until several months later, saying he can't remember things when he's upset. My only indication beyond his word that he might really have ended it is that it was closely followed by weeks of hang-up calls that ended promptly when I said, "How are you, [OW's name]?" So... he has made major changes to the way he's treated me for most of our marriage. He treats me like a princess. He kind of sort of admits he can see how this was hurtful if I really push it. But we cannot discuss it. Two counselors have taken the attitude that we will only deal with the future and that I need to simply make a choice to trust him, regardless of 14 years of lying. He gets angry and defensive if I ask questions or bring it up, and most likely will lie at a certain point, anyway. So here I am, eleven months after he (probably) ended a 13 year secret friendship, struggling to deal with it. I have good days, but certain things keep triggering responses. I teach music lessons, and for months, being in my studio has triggered thoughts of her. I'm not sure why, except that she and I both play the same, rather unusual, instrument, which I taught at a community college near where she lived. I've known for years she played this instrument, and that she lived there, but this only started happening about six to nine months ago. That trigger is beginning to happen less frequently. But now, seeing Asian women is doing it. I've known for years that the few times H looks at porn, it's Asian women. And I've known for a year and a half that she is part Asian. But this has only started happening in the last two months. Is this normal? Will each of these 'triggers' gradually pass? Can I expect that there will continue to be more things like this? Is it something my mind is just working through or what? Anything I can do to help in my own healing process? Thanks for any advice or input.
Lynna Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I understand where you are coming from, various things will trigger my memory or thoughts about my husband's affair, and sometimes it seems to come up completely randomly. Probably part of it is related to the fact that some of his revelations are rather "recent". Therefore you are still dealing with them. From what many people have written here on LS, it takes a LONG time to get over this kind of betrayal. Especially something that went on as long as it did with your husband. My dday was 7 months ago, so it is all still pretty fresh so I am not sure when the thoughts will start to fade. Mine do come and go, just in the last week they came back A LOT which is what helped me find LS. I have no idea what prompted them. Sorry if this is not very helpful!
Melissa277 Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 capri, I also understand what you're going through. D-day was a year and a half ago and I still think about H's affair daily which I attribute to the fact that he conveniently "can't remember" when A actually began or any of the details of A. Now, in my mind, I go over each and every day of the whole year (that I believe it was going on) and try to remember what lies he told me that particular day. Every damn thing is a trigger for me. He also gets angry and defensive if I bring it up or ask a question. It's tearing me up, but apparently not enough for him to come clean. I don't have any advice because that would be a "physician heal thy self" scenerio. I can't shut my own mind up. So I guess what I want to say is your feelings are your feelings and no matter how hard you try to put them out of your mind, they are there. Most here at LS have told me that they went through the exact same thing and it is normal. Hopefully, you will find peace soon.
mountain girl Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I can't shut my own mind up. Nothing else needs to be said. I thought I had woken up on this Monday feeling pretty good and refreshed...but then he forwarded an one of those optical illusion emails from his EA "friend" (who had sent it originally to the small group of co-workers, H on the top of the list) and then calls me to say "don't be upset by who it came from." I mean what the ****???? So now I am back to a collosal headache and debating whether to give him my "letter" stating my feelings as my MC suggested to do... No advice here...just crazy empathy!!
believinZ Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Ditto... I went for a massage several months ago and had such a hard time relaxing... I literlly could NOT get my thoughts to be quiet. Seeing almost any other woman who is thinner than me, or has straighter hair than me or in my eyes is prettier than me triggers me... my H used to really admire other "types" of women... now i just see him in bed w/all of them or wonder if the OW looked like that one... I can't seem to stop it and it has been almost a year and a half... I think we are all in the same boat pretty much... I do know that Shelly's-Trying has helped me a lot by sharing her plight and current hope after 6years I think... SO... I'm hoping there is hope if that makes sense... but, as it has been said in LS... take care of yourself... acknowledge and embrace where you are today and know that it is valid and okay... you are okay and wonderful!
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