BurriedAlive Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 As most of you already know, I was involved with a MM for a year. We worked together, he was a minority shareholder in a family owned business. Anyway, someone anonymously sent W an email and when she confronted him, he confessed to a 2 time fling that happened last fall. In the next 2 weeks, she pretty much stalked me by driving by my house 5-6 times per day and showing up at work. In this time, MM started to pull away from me and started acting very funny. I finally couldn't take the stalking anymore so I sent W an email telling her I was sorry. She called me and came over to meet me. The week and a half after that, MM stopped talking to me altogether and had his brother and law (my boss) tell me that I couldn't work there anymore. I hired a lawyer and haven't spoken to either of them since. It has been a month. In the last month, we have come to a legal agreement about my employment - the papers will be signed this week. I have gotten a new job and I am selling my house so I can move 1 hour away from this small town. Anyway, my problem is that I just don't understand why MM would ruin my life. He broke my heart and took everything that I cared about away from me. I am a 29 single mother who now has to uproot my little boy, yet again and completely start over. I did everything I could to save myself, I appologized to everyone that I deceived. I didn't try to start the A again, I went to work everyday and did a good job. I still tried to communicate with MM on a work level, for the sake of the business but all this failed. It seemed like I was doomed from the start. I need to understand how he could do this to me? He was very supportive initially after D day but everyday it got worse. I would like to think that my meeting with W did me in but the bad behaviour towards me started prior to that. I haven't tried to contact him since I left my job but I feel like if I don't get an answer as to why he ruined my life, I will never fully be able to move on. So my question to you all and I really hope you can help shed some light is should I try and get answers???? Why does the OW almost always get thrown under the wheels of the bus???
norajane Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 My guess is his wife told him if he wanted to stay married to her, he had to stop all contact with you, including work. That's why he started pulling away after D-day, and that's why you were fired - he was trying to appease his wife's demands so he could save his marriage.
sadbuttrue Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 i think the reason the OW almost always loses in the end is the fact that we are just not as important to them as the W and all that implies (home, children, lifestyle, security). it is sad that we as OW fall completely in love with these men and give them everything, while they only give us a piece of their lives, and then when choices have to be made, it is us they choose to hurt in most cases, not the wife. i know, i know, what do you expect if you get involved with a MM. i think we expect that we will mean as much to them as they do to us eventually and then maybe we wont be the one that gets hurt.
shellys-trying Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I would be glad to get out of that situation and would do all in my power to stay as far away from MMs as possible. If they're M and are willing to step out on their spouse, they'll have no respect for you, the OW. this xMM obviously had his and his family's interests at heart, which is right, if alittle belated. He probably didn't like having to deal with you in any capacity, even work related as you stated. You sound like a woman who's sorry for doing what you did,so I'd live and learn.
Trialbyfire Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I think it speaks clearly about the classic MM mentality. This is the man who women fight for?
shellys-trying Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Call me odd, but I don't see sitting by and letting 2 men fight over me. I'd be so embarrassed. How men do it is pure ego. WTF!
NearlyThere Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 IMO - I believe that in most cases the MM thinks that his wife no longer loves him or needs him and this is why he seeks either an EA or a PA. Once DDay arrives, I suppose its like reality biting him in the a$$ and he realised that she loves him as much as she ever did and the reciprocal feelings that they once shared become apparent to him again. So he subsequently realises that the feelings he had for you, although at the time might he might have felt were genuine, the connection with a woman he has probably been with for many years and shared many things with is stronger. I think in your case he has been pretty ****ty though, with you losing your job and so on, I hate to say it but I dont think it is probably the W and your meeting with her that caused it, only him being a complete tosser. I'm sorry your life has been ruined and he seems to you to have just continued on as if nothing has happened but I'm sure his W is giving him some deserved berating which, going by the infidelity forum is probably going to last for at least 2 years, I dont know if thats any consolation to you, with you losing your job and having to move house along with your son. His life will probably he changed as much as yours has but in different ways, if by some chance the things that he told you were true, as with regards to the relationship with his W, again take consolation that he was such a weak and cowardly person he could not follow through and will continue in abject misery two fold. 1 from the berating, 2 from the fact he is still there and you can start afresh. I dont think you will get any truthful answers from him, even if you do get to talk to him, just learn from whats happened and move on.
Author BurriedAlive Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 shellys-trying: I would be glad to get out of that situation and would do all in my power to stay as far away from MMs as possible. If they're M and are willing to step out on their spouse, they'll have no respect for you, the OW. I have never in my entire life been involved with something that was so wrong. I have never as much as stolen a pack of gum. Sometimes people get themselves into bad situations which doesn't say they are bad people but that they made bad choices. I am not a serial OW and I will NEVER be an OW again. I just want to put some closure to this mess so I can move on.
Author BurriedAlive Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 NearlyThere: I'm sorry your life has been ruined and he seems to you to have just continued on as if nothing has happened but I'm sure his W is giving him some deserved berating which, going by the infidelity forum is probably going to last for at least 2 years, I dont know if thats any consolation to you, with you losing your job and having to move house along with your son. Yeah, it really does seem to me that he is just continuing on as if nothing has happened. It's like he fell in a big muddy puddle but still managed to come out clean. I guess my only consolation is that in 6 months, I will have a whole new life with no reminders of him left whereas he will still have to live his pathetic existence. I also found out a few weeks ago that he has cheated on W for years. I guess it was never about me. I wasn't his first and I probably won't be his last. How sad is that?
Author BurriedAlive Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 norajane: My guess is his wife told him if he wanted to stay married to her, he had to stop all contact with you, including work. That's why he started pulling away after D-day, and that's why you were fired - he was trying to appease his wife's demands so he could save his marriage. That's what my mom thinks too. She thinks that the only reason she came to visit me is because she wanted to see her competition. She did mention that she had become obsessed with me in the days following D-day. She said she would have nightmares where I didn't have a face. She also seemed very focused on who sent her the email -she thought it was me but it wasn't. It's almost like she was more concerned with where the information was coming from not the message that was being delivered. I thought that by sitting down with her and assuring her that I would never sleep with her husband again, she wouldn't stop us from working together. So much for that theory!
NoIDidn't Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 IMO - I believe that in most cases the MM thinks that his wife no longer loves him or needs him and this is why he seeks either an EA or a PA. Once DDay arrives, I suppose its like reality biting him in the a$$ and he realised that she loves him as much as she ever did and the reciprocal feelings that they once shared become apparent to him again. So he subsequently realises that the feelings he had for you, although at the time might he might have felt were genuine, the connection with a woman he has probably been with for many years and shared many things with is stronger. Excellent!! That is usually the case, but it still may not be love. Most MM see how much they hurt their W and how everyone that knows loses respect for them, so they feel like they HAVE to avoid the thing that reminds them of the disappointment they've become: the OW. Buried, Don't worry about what is going on in his home life. Believe me, it is far more than you could ever imagine. He is NOT going on as if nothing happened. There may or may not be any berrating going on. But the tension, the sadness and hurt in his W's eyes, seeing/hearing her tears and knowing he caused it is more than enough emotional turmoil for him. And that's not even the least of it. His own thoughts about himself are probably worst than this. Its easy to assume that life is all roses for him when you don't get to see what is really going on, just like during the A its easy to assume that life is just hell for him. Neither assumption would be true. You are getting the better break even though it doesn't seem like it. It is hard trying to rebuild a life WITH a person you hurt, or with a person that hurt you deeply. It takes as much time for the OP to get over the events of the A as it does the M'd couple. So, take it easy on yourself. You learned a valuable lesson. Take comfort in that and keep on, keeping on. KWIM?
norajane Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 She did mention that she had become obsessed with me in the days following D-day. She said she would have nightmares where I didn't have a face. She also seemed very focused on who sent her the email -she thought it was me but it wasn't. It's almost like she was more concerned with where the information was coming from not the message that was being delivered. That's not surprising. I'm sure it's very disconcerting to find out that your H is living a double life, and that there's some other woman whom you don't even know who is involved with him. And on top of that, to have found out through some anonymous third party... ...how come all these other people know more about her H than she does, you know? I imagine she must have felt like her life was very much out of her control when others knew what was going on and she didn't. As for what she cared more about, well, you'd probably still have a job there if she weren't concerned about the message.
riobikini Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 re" BuriedAlive: "...answer as to why he ruined my life..." Affairs are like dirty laundry having stains that can never be completely removed. You wind up burning the pile of laundry. But there remains this acrid, foul smell in the air, even then. -Rio
whirlwinds_sister Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 i think the reason the OW almost always loses in the end is the fact that we are just not as important to them as the W and all that implies (home, children, lifestyle, security). it is sad that we as OW fall completely in love with these men and give them everything, while they only give us a piece of their lives, and then when choices have to be made, it is us they choose to hurt in most cases, not the wife. i know, i know, what do you expect if you get involved with a MM. i think we expect that we will mean as much to them as they do to us eventually and then maybe we wont be the one that gets hurt. Yes, I do think that has much to do with it and it hurts as the OW to acknowledge that because we put ourselves in competition with another woman and in the end it is no reflection really on our worthiness to attract this man if he was AVAILABLE, but the fact of the matter he is not and this woman, no matter how badly she may treat him, and I'm speaking as a W here as well, holds all the "coin". She, many times, is the mother to his children(and the children tug on his heartstrings and he knows he's not likely to get to see them as much in a D), they have a much stronger position many times then when he was single or if he would D, and yes, I do think that people get used to their lifestyle. Asking a MM or MW to leave is like asking them to change their lifestyle completely. Many people arrive at 'love by default' and they balance what would be worse. I have a male friend(no, it was just a friend..just have to say that) who did that very thing. Stayed with his W because of the consequences to his children. His children are grown now and he's desperate to leave, but decided with his health and finances, it was more adventageous to just stay. It's a shame and I will bring the word 'clinger' in once again. As an aside, I think that's what chaps the wife's hide too. We all, as women, want to feel special to someone. It certainly is a slap in the face to the W that her husband can move on and love someone else, but that's a fact that we need to accept, but we don't--we have the romanticized vision of the person who can not live without us--the Lancelot to our Gueniviere. And that's not reality...we earn love, it is not given freely and we as W's and H's do well to remember that. IN the absence of love and affection, there is someone who wants love and affection willing to fill our void, not because they are easy, but because they desire the same kind of devotion and care that we do. I don't think women are vulnerable because they are easy or because of their self-esteem--they are vulnerable because they want love like any other woman. Love will make people do stupid things sometimes and drop their inhibitions. As for the going out in public thing...my OM took me to his work on a military instillation...his intentions, given what he would do, were obvious towards me. He shared about me with a number of people in his life including relatives. When it hit home for me what his intentions were after D-Day when we still kept contact was that he was no longer willing to take a risk to see or talk to me...although he obviously still had feelings and an attraction, he would not take the risk anymore--the choice was right there for me to see based on that behavior. He had made his choice and although he didn't want to sever ties, he did not want to do anything to risk his homelife either. AS I said in my original post, he's made something of a shift recently and has been taking increasing risks where I'm concerned. I'm afraid it will be me who will be breaking his heart soon this time. I can't trust his emotions or intentions and something has happened at home here t hat has drastically changed how I viewed what I thought was rejection from my H. Because of it, I see more then ever how wrong I was. Do feelings go away--no, I'll always care about 'him' and had we met 10, 20 years ago...I think we would have made a hell of a couple legitimately, but that's not how things are and I realize now that what is going on in my M has to do with my H hiding things when he needed me desperately. I feel very ashamed now that I abandoned him, even though he never told me what was going on, and gave my time and energy to someone else. ONe more word on looks...I am a few years older then the OM's W(he and I are peers ie same age). As I said, I don't think she's necessarily unattractive, but is a bit frumpy. What I know of OM as a person aside from this, he just loves that girlish happiness and smile and laughter. I am certain his W was good for all those things at one time so it is not a good or bad thing. Like us, THEY have just built up too much and don't treat each other well at all. If I had to guess what he wants is to see his W, the woman he married, smile, happy, and in love with him again. I know because it is what I want from my H--the man I fell in love with and married. So, to the two ladies who are apparently very bitter--I am no skank and neither is the man I was involved with(well whatever the manly equivalent of that is). I had not been involved with any other man, but him and have no intentions of that ever again. Not every OW is a skank or ugly by any stretch. Just like what people see in people when they date legitimately, it is very subjective why people choose to love and be with who they do. Some are very very superficial...others see beauty in things beyond a stretch mark here or a little dent there. Saying a MM only gets involved with another woman for sex is like implying it is the only reason a man ever dates a woman, even in his early days of dating. I, at least, had the benefit of the W knowing how he felt about me. She was under no illusions that I was either ugly, a skank, or that he didn't care about me. So to she knew it was not just about sex. IMO, when a woman continues to tell herself her marriage was happy then she is either excusing a pos liar who sleeps around or she's not repairing her marriage and is relegated to being the 'keeper of her man'. I'm with TC--I never could play that role so for me I would move on. I think some W's only keep their men for 'victory rights' over their perceived enemy. If that's the case, then the brutal knife of self-esteem runs both ways. This may be my last post on this forum. No, nothing is running me off, just have to tend to life...something I let drop for the last couple years in my sadness and betrayal. If I am not back here, I wish you all the best. I hope that your marriages and relationships turn into the things you had dreamed ofthem being at one time. Good luck!
whirlwinds_sister Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I would be glad to get out of that situation and would do all in my power to stay as far away from MMs as possible. If they're M and are willing to step out on their spouse, they'll have no respect for you, the OW. this xMM obviously had his and his family's interests at heart, which is right, if alittle belated. He probably didn't like having to deal with you in any capacity, even work related as you stated. You sound like a woman who's sorry for doing what you did,so I'd live and learn. As a quick note, I think this is another thing that probably gives OW the illusions that things are moving on and he goes back to the normal--that the W 'rewards' him by staying married to him. I know, I know--it isn't realistic. The H or W are likely living in a household full of sadness over it, but emotions don't often see clearly how things are. When i talked to my xOM AS FRIENDS he told me that after a year he was just starting to regain freedom to do things ALONE. It was at that moment that I told myself, there is no way this guy got off footloose and fancy free. In fact I think his infidelity was punished more harshly then his W's and hers brought a child into the M and PRECEEDED his own infidelity. Eh, go figure. I'm just trying to make sense of it all here. I have my own situation and I hope others appreciate that I play devil's advocate sometimes when discussing these issues. So much for that last post huh:p:laugh: Take care, all
shellys-trying Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I have never in my entire life been involved with something that was so wrong. I have never as much as stolen a pack of gum. Sometimes people get themselves into bad situations which doesn't say they are bad people but that they made bad choices. I am not a serial OW and I will NEVER be an OW again. I just want to put some closure to this mess so I can move on. The way you posted kind of had me thinking that about you. you sounded like you were just totally blown away by someone you knew(MM) who had you fired or let go. That is a hard lesson to learn, as I said. Good luck to you, too. There are soooo many SGs out there and they'll be true to you.
Author BurriedAlive Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 The way you posted kind of had me thinking that about you. you sounded like you were just totally blown away by someone you knew(MM) who had you fired or let go. That is a hard lesson to learn, as I said. Good luck to you, too. There are soooo many SGs out there and they'll be true to you. Thanks Shelly. I guess that thought is what keeps me going.... I guess true "skanks" such as, by the sound of it, your H's xOW who intentionally try and get other women's men in the sack truly deserve the sh** that comes with being involved with a MM. Everyday, I try and figure out what I did to deserve the hand that I was delt.
shellys-trying Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Do you know how many OW/xOW don't speak as you do? They just happily go thru life from one MM to another. Much like the xOW in my H's case. Those are the ones I have a prob with. they have no compunction. I mean, in my own case, I've been cheated on once since I was old enough to date, and that was by my H (6 yrs ago). I've dealt with this and gotten thru it, thank God.
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