Hasty Conclusions lead to Confusion

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

Ok, continuing from the thread "she finally hit the limit", turns out my emotional stress and such got the best of me. I finally got the chance to confront her about the other day, shes never been able to lie to me cause i learned her "tells" long ago, never can look me in the eyes if shes even tryin to hide something small, due to bells palsey as a kid, certain face muscles are weak, and give a really easy sign shes thinkin and not just remembering, etc...

 

Turns out I forgot a few things and ignored certain evidence. Well, guy is just a friend, not a new guy, shes still with the 1st rebound guy and apparently faithful aside from our drunk ****. This friend is married with a kid, she has no interest in such. I thought they had been in the bed cause the air mattress had shifted from where i had set it so i wouldnt have to deflate it, but apparently it was just the pillow she had gotten for the couch, as i do remember it being the one farthest under the air mattress.

i forgot she was starting her period that day, and finds it disgusting to do anything during it, we only once did on her final day when she was just barely spotting. And she doesnt like doin anything the day before, asit messes up her period and makes her worry about pregnancy. I know i saw her tampons moved out to the front of the cabinet, and there was a wrapper in the trash.

I remembered seeing the guy had a ring, but figured it was just a decoration, not paying attention to what hand it was on. I later while i was still under the impression she had done something, checked the bed for stains, smells, etc. Nothing there. The bed head was from being on the couch, which she was still layin on while they were watchin tv and BSing about her other idiot friends.

 

Perhaps this is the anger stage everyone was talkin about, I was just waiting for something to get pissed about i guess, and paranoia with anger makes me less than logical. There is no evidence that doesnt fit her side, and there is evidence she was telling the truth, aside from her not being able to lie to me.

 

I dont know if there was an implied understanding or what, but she hasnt asked me for anything in the last few days, asside from a smoke when she was out, and 78 cents last night to buy 2 burritos at kroger since she was hungry and i havent been gettin anything for her to eat here. She actually started calling up old favors, gettin money from people she had loaned to in the past, etc and gave me 50 dollars yesterday, as the start of her paying me back.

The only thing I can actually complain about is if she complains about her rebound guy not treating her good, as i keep wanting to yell out "look ****head, you had someone treating you like a princess and you pissed it away, get used to how boys treat girls until you find another actual man"

 

And this guy is still leaving by october for the navy, ironically october would have been our 1 year official. Part of her likin bein with him is that he is gonna be gone soon enough, perhaps like the "boys of summer" in the ataris song. remember that line "my love will still be strong after the boys of summer have gone" "when i get you back, im gonna show you what im made of".

 

So, ive cut her off financially and not letting her use me emotionally, not planning on letting another drunk screw happen. Shes started paying me back, she now understands that only a couple of friends whom i know well and trust (girls by the way) or her sisters are allowed over without my explicit permission. Now that ive calmed down, shes also being respectful.

 

So I dunno, maybe once shes moved out, figured out some stuff, and the boys of summer are gone, i may be willing to give it another shot after a few months of limited contact, limited to when she wants to come hang out with me and my guys prolly. If I am single and she wants to start over from scratch again, I may be ok with that, but of course would take things very slow and carefully, not let her be dependant on me again, etc as i know it would take a long time to fully trust her again.

 

So, any thoughts? do i seem to be acting reasonable now, and not letting her run over me?

Thanks all

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

One other question, is what do I do now... since i was mistaken and she is being respectful, she kept asking if she had done something if i was mad, etc. She is not mooching/ raiding my fridge/ is starting to pay her bills one way or the other, do I still need to hurry up and get her outa here?

She just told me earlier that she changed her mind about the friend she had wanted to move in with, but that others are still lookin for a place.

 

If i'm getting along enough that i consider my self healthy and happy, if its not interfering with my day to day life, I dont know how much i need hurry her up at getting out of here, I mean honestly just being friends (though i know its not that simple til ive actually had a while away from her to lose the attachment) is wierd, does lead to bothersome thoughts, but overall, i dont have any complaints now, as long as she follows the rules and pulls her part, I'm not sure i can justify throwing her out more or less...

 

I do realize that she is using me in a way, that for whatever reason or another she wants me in her life, and when i think about it, she has been going out of her way to make this situation easier on me, still be friends now that the walls are coming back down. She knows shes not getting financial support from me, shes not getting a free ride, im not even cookin dinner that she would want to share. She knows i dont need her anymore, ive gotten a big part of myself back in one piece by talkin to lots of people, getting things outa my system, and remembering that i was happy alone before I met her, and theres no reason for me to not be happy right now, or talk to women as long as i take it slow.

She hasnt been asking for anything from me in the past few days other than to talk on the phone when somethings wrong. Shes not complaining about having to sleep on the couch or the airmattress on the floor except for days im up late and let her have the bed.

 

So the question is: Am I fooling myself, or are all the coping mechanisms ive learned over the years, the rational emotive therapy, philosophy etc kicking in and making an unbearable situation not so bad?

[phaedrus069]

I'm replying because your situation reminds me a lot of the one I'm going through now. I'm still battling doubts about my ex having ended the relationship because of another man (although not "doing" anything until a couple of days after). It can be all too easy to let little observations mislead you when your emotions get the better of you. I'm glad you were able to clarify what happened (still working on that myself) and let go of some of that anger.

 

"The only thing I can actually complain about is if she complains about her rebound guy not treating her good, as i keep wanting to yell out "look ****head, you had someone treating you like a princess and you pissed it away, get used to how boys treat girls until you find another actual man""

 

Phew, I haven't had to face that yet and am sorry that you do. I have a feeling it's not far off for me and can already feel the same type of reaction that you're talking about stirring in my gut.

 

As far as what to do next, that's a hard question to answer. Here are my thoughts, based upon what I've read elsewhere on this site and am trying to do myself. Keep in mind that I'm not sure I can/want to do all of these things myself, but they have seemed to work for others.

 

First, get started on the no contact path. You should strongly consider not living together and minimize if not stopping spending time together (that can be hard, I know). Being around her will only prolong the time it takes for you to get over her. You can always get back together down the line, but as I see it the smartest time to make that decision is after you've had the necessary time to let go of the attachment. I had a friend in college who dated a girl for 7 years and got dumped…hard. She needed the time that your, and my ex also needed. I nursed him back to single life and about a year and a half after he'd gotten over her, she came back into his life. They recently got engaged and bought a house after being back together for the past two years. As I see it, if you end up together or if you don't, the sooner you start moving on the better.

 

I'd recommend moving someplace new in your area versus staying at the current apartment. As someone said in the last thread, staying there will only remind you of the past. While there is nothing wrong with looking back, right now may not be the best time. If you continue to live with her you're just going to spark other emotional reactions. It's very easy to calm down after having an angry/jealous/sad reaction to you're ex's behavior, but getting over it doesn't mean it won't happen again. These feelings are going to come and go as long as the stimulus is still there and until you've moved on. All of those other milestones you mentioned, being happy, talking with other women, or even enjoying being single again are only going to be delayed.

 

Good luck and keep posting, it will help.