cecil brown Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Good afternoon all, Well, I'm almost 30 days into my 2nd attempt at no contact (went 27 days the first time), and lately, I have this overwhelming feeling to contact her. I thought I was doing OK, but I still miss her deeply and can't keep thoughts of her out of my head. I keep trying to tell myself that she no longer wanted to be with me and chose to leave, so I need to respect that and let her go. It's just been hard lately; a big part of me still thinks that we can make things right and that she's bound to realize she made a mistake and want to try again. (bad thought process, I know) My head knows she's gone for good, but the heart doesn't seem to want to agree. Any words of encouragement would be appreciated.
Outofluck Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Going through the same thing, my friend, but I am only at 2 1/2 weeks. You are much farther ahead of me and I would suggest not setting yourself back. I don't know the details of your situation but since you said that your head knows she's gone for good..it usually makes the correct choice. Everytime I contact my ex (I have initiated every contact for the past four months) I feel even worse..the last few times I could tell that she was with the new guy and it killed me to hear her monotonous speak so as to not upset him..its painfully sobering. The last time I swore that I would never talk to her again and that will likely be the case. Don't give in..it has been 30 days and it will get easier.
WhiteKnight Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Hey cecil brown Well to be honest bro, you would be much happier without her. I think I know your story quite well and I did read it a few times and thought about how it related to my ex-gf. However all I have to say is that it would be best that if you chose NC, stick with it for now. Sometimes, some relationships after suffereing a major break up and the feelings between you and her are there. I would suggest that you should just keep your distance for now and truly move on. After all she broke up with you and left you behind all emotional and stuff. I don't think you want to repeat yourself again in a circle that you let her come back to you. Believe me, whenever my ex-gf's do leave me behind. I just don't bother respecting them anymore, its still the same old story that "she left you and hurt you... why you want to be friends with her?" and that stuff. Sometimes both exes can not get along and sometimes they don't want to hang around you because of the 'negativity' or feelings they might have of you. My feelings for my exes are full of hate, why... because they left me in ruins and treated me like dirt and still use me in the friendship. However there are a few, but are rare... that try to encourage me to be their friend because they value me in some way. I dunno, but maybe their intensions are sincere or deceitful however it would be worth the risk to see where your future holds. Any of my exes do not like when I tell them the truth to stop 'using me' and abuse the friendship in that manner because I simply just want to get along as good friends. However they will always never listen. Take it from my experience, it just best of you to move on regardless and even if it hurts. I just delete my exes contact details from my msn or any of the chat programs that I use and don't block them. I don't care if they do speak to me or not, its their choice now. I've made my choice, I will be a 'listener friend', not the same friendship that they wanted before even if you wanted to see them again and get along. Sometimes it will work but other times you will just have to move on a respect that your decision or her decision or both of your decisions were made for the right cause to progress in life. You don't want to live in misery and think about your ex forever, its alright to think about your ex as its a mutual feeling because that shows a part of you cares or enjoyed the good memories of the relationship you once had. Or something else rather. I know I do sometimes, and just accept that even though I know if my ex was married or with someone else and I heard she broke up with them. I would no doubt be there for my support in terms of letting her know that she will overcome the problems and know that I will be her friend in case she needed someone to talk to. All of my exes know this but all of them know their place of what can be said to me or not. That's my experience of it though. But overall NC would be the best choice if you and your ex can not get along despite how much both of you loved and cared for each other. If you can not talk back in the friendship, so why the friendship should continue? If you only talk seldomly and is rare but fades in the end, that's understandable because people do leave others behind. That's life... What you are doing now cecil brown, I just say stay NC for a couple of years or awhile until you are ready to talk to your ex again. Maybe not in the next 8 months or 2 years, but only time can truly tell if things were to heal between you and your ex. Hope this helps.
Author cecil brown Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 Well, in an ironic twist, I received an e-mail from her concerning some stuff of mine still at her place. I should have ignored the e-mail, but I responded because I did want my stuff back. I also have some stuff of hers she wants back. So, long story short, we are meeting up Wednesday to swap stuff. Now I'm feeling awkward about this and having 2nd thoughts. I'm afraid seeing her will be like a kick in the gut...
smwhtshy Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I kinda know your story, we're on a similar path. I also know exactly that feeling of wanting contact, its almost overwhelming at times...like withdrawal. If there is anyway you can get by without swapping that stuff right now, do it. I believe seeing her will be painful for you, and will set back your healing. Maybe there is a mutual friend you could arrange to drop her stuff off with or something. I just passed the 60 day (!) of NC...and though I still think about her a lot, the feeling is not near what it was a month ago. And, it gives me a little pride too, to know I've come this far... If you can resist, you will feel so good...plus, you will not have "whatever would transpire" to think about, ruminate, replay, etc...whether good or bad, you know you will dwell on it, and try and interpret everything over and over again....it will be like salt in the wound buddy....good luck
WhiteKnight Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Well cecil brown... about collecting your stuff from her. It would be painful and I have to admit that none of my exes did offer me to take my stuff back from their homes. I dunno what happened to the memories I had with them but I would like to think that they were kept hidden in a good spot or possibly it would have been destroyed as it was a bad ending. For me, well I do keep some of their stuff because I just want to keep the good memories of them. However as for you, I just say quickly get it over and done with. Get your stuff back, which I know this is a rare opportunity to do and leave officially. For one time, I remembered saying to my ex-gf's like this... and perhaps you could do this for yourself as well, I dunno but here is what I did from experience. The Final Departure and ending "I just wanted to say thank you for the relationship we had, it was very special to me. Even though despite of this pain, I would love to see you progress in life without me and I hope one day your future will bloom and so will mine. I wish you all the best and I just wanted to let you know that someday I'll forgive you or you would forgive me but for now, this is over between us and best of luck and thank you for everything..." That's if you want a clean appreciation of the breakup, at least either ex partner would feel better to know that you did enjoy the relationship while it lasted, despite of the fight and breakup of who did what. However if you want to 'avoid' seeing her on the day, get one of your best friends close to you and do it on your behalf. Although if you are uncomfortable about meeting her in person alone, bring your partner and a couple of your best friends to be on stand by... just in case something goes wrong.
Author cecil brown Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 I'm definitely starting to feel the emotions come rushing back, but I'm trying hard to keep a level head. I'm reminding myself that this is not a chance at reconciliation; she just wants her stuff back, and that's it.
WhiteKnight Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Fair enough, keep it at a level head for now and hopefully try to get this quickly over and done with as soon as possible.
tinke Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 is it possible to have someone else deliver her goods to her????? i know you probably want to see her, and may even be using the goods as an excuse, but is it wise to put yourself in that situation? what i've found that helps me, is when that urge hits to call him (it is less often after 3 mo), i put it off, i stall. after occupying myself with something for a couple hrs., the urge lessens and better judgement comes to play. what i have learned is if someone truly wants to come back, they know how. it is far too painful to put oneself in that rejection seat over and over. quite honestly, i was very much in love 3 mo. ago, but after all the pain, etc., i DO feel differently now. yes, i still hurt, but i'm sickened by his disregard. try to think things out beforehand, stall. you may find that it helps.
Author cecil brown Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 Spent too much time at the bar tonight, now I'm feeling down..... Why did she have to contact me? Why did I have to write her back? I'd kick my own a$$ if I could for being so stupid....
WhiteKnight Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Spent too much time at the bar tonight, now I'm feeling down..... Why did she have to contact me? Why did I have to write her back? I'd kick my own a$$ if I could for being so stupid.... Don't feel bad or blame yourself like that. It happened by instinct because you cared and wanted to do the right thing. If you wanted to leave on good terms and cut all ties with the past events, that's how it should be done. By getting things back from your ex and part ways. Sometimes holding cherishable items is not the best thing to do. Do your best to move on and be strong about it. Have someone, like a best friend to be around as your witness to encourage you and support you through this difficult time. All of my exes had kept something of me, but some had thrown some of the stuff I gave to them. To those exes who I knew who kept something, just valued me more as a friend and always truly respected me. As for those who didn't, well... they just either don't want to know you or just want to start afresh.
Author cecil brown Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 It was a rough night. The what if's have already started in my head. I find myself going through various scenarios on how the meeting will go. Even though I know she has moved on and her answer will be no, part of me just wants to come out and ask her if we can try again. I guess I'm also hoping that her seeing me will make her feelings for us come back. Man, I'm really setting myself up for failure...
vivrantflo Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Take the other poster's advise.. It doesn't sound like you can handle a meeting with her just yet. Prolong the meeting, I'm sure the stuff that will be exchanged can wait a little longer.. and if they can't, then you should get someone else to do it. YOu're already freaking out at the THOUGHT of seeing her.. I don't think seeing her in person would do anything positive for you at all.. Stay away from her.
Author cecil brown Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 The stuff can wait, but I guess I don't see the point in waiting. Whether I see her tomorrow, or next month, I'm still going to have feelings for her. Might as well act mature about it and get it over with, right?
vivrantflo Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I see where you're coming from man, but im lookin out for you here.. It just appears to me that if u do meet her, it's gonna set u back even more than how you're feeling now. Yeah, you can get it over with if you want.. but if i were you, I'd want to protect my feelings, and wait until I can handle seeing her in person.. Trust me, I went NC for 2 months, and seeing an ex that I still love after that time, almost set me back to day one.. AND on top of that, I clearly thought I was ready. The choice is yours, but protect your feelings man.
Author cecil brown Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 vivrantflo, I appreciate your words of advice. I just have a lot of different feelings going on in my head right now. And truth be told, I still want this girl back. I haven't fully given up hope yet...I'm really torn on what I should do. I have an appt. with my counselor tomorrow. Hopefully that will help to clarify my thoughts.
Author cecil brown Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Looks like she's making it easy on me.... She sent me an e-mail saying she would stop by tonight, and for me to just leave her stuff in my car, and she'll just swap the items herself. I responded with "Don't care to say hi?" She came back with "Is it neccessary?" I said "OK, I'll leave the car unlocked" I must admit, I'm a little hurt. It's disheartening that she can't even say hi but I guess this way is for the best. At least I'm not under any false hopes.
funkybassplayer Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 dont worry mate. I avoided that last email you got by just sending her stuff back and letting my stuff go. eighter way, it doent matter now does it.
Author cecil brown Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 I had a good session with my counselor today. She said it happening this way is for the best. She also reminded me that the ex has given me no reason to hang on to hope and that I need to be strong willed. This is a minor setback, but I'm going to focus on myself and make it past this. Hopefully there won't be any issues tonight.
Author cecil brown Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 Hey tomas, Keep your head up man. Trust me, I know it's hard. It's kills me to know my ex doesn't care about me anymore and she has moved on. But life goes on. It must. We have to pick ourselves up and move forward. For awhile, I sought refuge at the bottom of a bottle (both pills/booze). But I realize I'm only hurting myself and that's not the answer. Be strong, have faith, and definitely see a counselor.
WhiteKnight Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Yea unfortunately when you learn about your ex (whether it was you or your former partner) had stopped caring about each other. I think you get the general message that you both hate each other or there is a certain tension that stops you from forgiving with that person and that would hurt for ther rest of your life. Usually I try my best to forgive any of my ex's the best I can but to be simply put, it really depends on the breakup and how it ended up. With the latest ex I had... I had everything in front of me before, that was a wife to be, a nice job, and a nice place to live in etc but that was all destroyed in the end because of how she is married etc. I have to admit it wasn't the best thing and she wanting my contact details just to get a hold of me back and when I 'rejected' her request by ignoring it. I think she will get the general idea that I can not do it right now. I have some feelings for her, its just the caring feelings but I have managed to put myself in a way of stop caring about her and don't care anymore. It hurts for a short while but I can see how cold I can be which I had no choice in the end if I were to be her friend, I had to cut any emotions. Same thing with me not having her on any of my chat programs list, she's not blocked but her details have been deleted. It just shows I am just walking away from her to recover. Besides... she wanted to be my friend and I wanted it except I have a limitation to what I truly want. Hey, tomásdoyle, I know what you are going through and all... the best thing to overcome that whole situation is to motivate yourself in a way to get better. So first step is to have your good friends on your side who are trying to help you get through this difficult time. Then the next step would be as cecil brown had suggested with the Counsellors, they are there to help you guide through it. Drinking alcohol or taking drugs doesn't really help you, just causes more pain and grief. Take my advice, avoid that and focus on getting personal counselling from either a Church Minister, or somebody quite qualified to help you through it. In time you will be able to let it go of the past, same thing by moving on with another partner does help as well.
Recommended Posts