OceanBlue Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Perhaps some of the guys out there can help me with this... I have been seeing this guy for a couple of months. We have very different lifestyles and have acknowledged that from the beginning. He frequently works out of the city for short stretches...I am a single mom with a couple of kids. The confusing part is that in the beginning we went on a few dates, got to know each other a bit. It seemed like we were in agreement with continuing despite the differences. We were intimate, spent a couple of nights together and then he started a new job. So he has been in and out of the city, calls me every couple of days but doesn't seem to make the effort to see me when he is in town. Sometimes it stretches to 3 or 4 days between calls, and I figure OK - we're done. (He is working in an area without cell coverage, so he can only call if they get into a town) But I am not sure that he is always out of range. Then he'll call - he's back but he has plans to do something with others. Sometimes family obligations, sometimes friends. A couple of times he has said he'll call later that night and we'll try to get together. Then doesn't. I don't get it. If he isn't that interested in seeing me, then why keep calling? If he's going to abandon me, then why doesn't he just do it? It's not like we are going to run into each other...we don't have the same group of friends or anything. I don't understand this behavior. And I am not used to someone who calls but then doesn't want to make the effort to see me. If he was just in it to get laid, then why continue with calls? I think it has been 3 weeks now since I have seen him. Could this be legitimate? Could he still be interested? I'm fairly new to dating again and I just don't know if this is normal and I have just dated overly attentive guys in the past. I'm used to guys who do anything to spend time with me...who know when I don't have my kids and clear their schedule to be free then.
2sunny Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 i agree that it sounds as if he has an obligation to another gal somewhere in his life. everything is too inconsistent for him to be single. either that - or he really isn't into you that much. if he was into you or available - he would make the time and effort to see you.
Author OceanBlue Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 Well, I'm positive he isn't married...met his roommate...been to his apartment. There is an ex who lives in another city...could be that, though I know that the break was nasty. Our differences are pretty huge though...and I think that there may be issues there. I am educated and doing okay for myself - own my own home, have a new vehicle, still doing some school at night, and a set career path. He is 12 years younger, falls into what I consider the "bad boy" category, has had a fairly rough life, is trying to establish himself as an independent contractor BUT still has what I might consider some 'shady' deals happening as well. Some of his friends I have no desire to meet because of their lifestyles. The reality is that this is not a relationship that I would expect to last, but I do like him and enjoy spending time with him. But the "bad boy" aspect is why I don't expect the calls to continue. I don't think that he is the type to have a problem walking away from someone he isn't interested in. Without remorse or consideration of the other person.
Topper Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 On some level he likes you. He just like you does not see things lasting. I'm sure he is seeing other woman. Or at least he casting his net. Right now I would say you are the friend with benefits. The Back up plan. I would not wait around for him to call.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 He sounds like he's in it in the "for the moment" capacity. He likes being able to come see you when he has time, and likes keeping in touch but it doesn't sound like he wants to make a solid long term committed type thing out of it. It sounds like your lifestyles are too different for that to happen. I expect the kids are part of it. From what you posted about him, he doesn't sound like the type who would be too interested in having children, or the idea of being overly involved with someone else's. I doubt this guy will ever give you what you want and need out of a relationship. I would only stay for as long as you can handle his casual treatment of you.
Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Hmm, well optimistic little me isn't ready to say "he's just not that into you." You've been dating for 'a couple months," but from what you've described, he's doing all the calling. Are you reciprocating with any amount of effort, or just sitting there waiting for him to call? Because your lifestyles are different, and his work schedule/traveling arrangements make seeing each other difficult, effort is going to have to be put forth by both of you. However, if you are inititating contact as well, and he's still putting other interests (whatever they may be) ahead of seeing you, then I think you should just cut your losses and move on. We're all busy people with full lives (hopefully), but when you find someone awesome, you reprioritize. You make time. He should too.
Author OceanBlue Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 Hmm, well optimistic little me isn't ready to say "he's just not that into you." You've been dating for 'a couple months," but from what you've described, he's doing all the calling. Are you reciprocating with any amount of effort, or just sitting there waiting for him to call? Because your lifestyles are different, and his work schedule/traveling arrangements make seeing each other difficult, effort is going to have to be put forth by both of you. However, if you are inititating contact as well, and he's still putting other interests (whatever they may be) ahead of seeing you, then I think you should just cut your losses and move on. We're all busy people with full lives (hopefully), but when you find someone awesome, you reprioritize. You make time. He should too. I questioned this too. I admittedly leave most of the contact up to him. And during this last few days when I hadn't heard anything, I debated whether or not to call him. So I did, yesterday, left a message and he called back within a couple of hours. He asked whether I had plans for the evening. I was honest, said not really but I should study, and it was a friends' birthday so there was a bbq, plus another friend was going out and asked me along. I had not commited to any of those and told him so. I also said that what I should do is study. He said that he had clients "from one of his businesses" flying in and that he had to entertain them for the evening. He said that if he could, he'd call later. He didn't and I really didn't expect him to. I did try and make an effort to call him, but with him being out of town so frequently, it made more sense for me to leave it to him to call. Am I wrong? Or should it be if he calls, I call next? And since the last call was him (returning mine), do I call next again? Or is it up to him since he said he'd call if he could last night? That all seems too complicated and juvenile to try and figure out. I am kind of tempted to call him later today and lay it on the line. I don't date/sleep with more than one person at a time, so I am not open to meeting anyone now, because of him. If he's not interested, then I would rather relieve him of seemingly obligatory phone calls and move on with my life. Any thoughts?
Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I did try and make an effort to call him, but with him being out of town so frequently, it made more sense for me to leave it to him to call. Am I wrong? Or should it be if he calls, I call next? And since the last call was him (returning mine), do I call next again? Or is it up to him since he said he'd call if he could last night? That all seems too complicated and juvenile to try and figure out. That's because it is. I prefer to be chased and woo'd just as much as the next girl. In fact, I kinda need it at the beginning in order to know that he's into me. But once a certain amount of time passes, the chasing has to kinda gotta become almost equal. Guys need to be thrown a bone too, ya know. At this point, I'm of the opinion that if you want to talk to him/see him, you should simply pick up the phone and call him. Don't just shoot the **** and hope that he asks you out - do it yourself. Suggest a date/something to do, and guage his response. If he sounds on-the-fence and/or not excited, you'll have your answer. On the other hand, if you want to play dumb, complicated, juvenile games to test his interest level then don't call him. I am kind of tempted to call him later today and lay it on the line. I don't date/sleep with more than one person at a time, so I am not open to meeting anyone now, because of him. If he's not interested, then I would rather relieve him of seemingly obligatory phone calls and move on with my life. Any thoughts? I wanted to do this very same thing with the last guy - lay it on the line in order to provoke a response out of him. But you cannot control him. Knowing what I know now, if I were in your shoes I'd decide that what he's been offering up is not good enough, that what's been established thusfar is not the sort of relationship that I want, and that a guy who I'm meant to be with won't act as though I'm the last on his priority list. I'd decide that I'm the one who's not interested, and I'd relieve myself of waiting around for a guy who's clearly just not good enough and move on with my life. I wouldn't let him know of my decision - I'd just make it and move on. That's what I'd do. But that's just me, after a hard lesson learned.
Author OceanBlue Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 At this point, I'm of the opinion that if you want to talk to him/see him, you should simply pick up the phone and call him. Don't just shoot the **** and hope that he asks you out - do it yourself. Suggest a date/something to do, and guage his response. If he sounds on-the-fence and/or not excited, you'll have your answer. I think by laying it on the line, I meant pretty much what you said above except that if he sounds on-the-fence/not interested, then I am going to tell him not to bother calling. I have no need to maintain any kind of friendship with him. If I wanted a FWB situation, then I wouldn't have expended the effort in dating first.
oppath Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Knowing what I know now, if I were in your shoes I'd decide that what he's been offering up is not good enough, that what's been established thusfar is not the sort of relationship that I want, and that a guy who I'm meant to be with won't act as though I'm the last on his priority list. I'd decide that I'm the one who's not interested, and I'd relieve myself of waiting around for a guy who's clearly just not good enough and move on with my life. I wouldn't let him know of my decision - I'd just make it and move on. That's what I'd do. But that's just me, after a hard lesson learned. SG, that is an incredible, empowering attitude to have. I wish I would have made it after my last breakup, deciding that "I wanted more, I deserve more, and I was going to dump her if she didn't give me more soon anyway." Matters of the heart aren't so easy, but what you say is true: if someone isn't giving you what you want and need, and what you want and need isn't unreasonable (i.e. at least a date a week after a handful of dates), then they aren't good enough. They aren't. You did bring up a good point though about how guys too want to be chased. I have a 3 date rule; if after a third date a girl hasn't fully paid for one date (or been dutch on all of them), and they don't make plans with me, I cut them loose, sometimes, without even telling them. I feel bad when they text, with simple "what's up," but I want more investment too. My most satisfying relationships have been when I receive that investment early on. If a girl can't call on her own volition, or say "thanks for the date had a great time" via email the next day, after I've taken her out 3 times, the meal ticket ends. I want a return on my investment.
Author OceanBlue Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 Wow! That's all I can say. I called, left a message. He called back in under 5 minutes. Promising so far... Except he's in a bar and he's drunk. Very drunk. And I think in all the rambling he was trying to invite me down, followed by he doesn't want me to see him like that. And lots of apologizing, and using pet names, and more apologizing. Don't know WTF is up with that. Why on earth would he even bother calling me back? Who cares. I am done with this escapade. I have my choice of unhealthy relationships if that is what I want. I don't, I was looking for something normal. Next!!
Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 You did bring up a good point though about how guys too want to be chased. I have a 3 date rule; if after a third date a girl hasn't fully paid for one date (or been dutch on all of them), and they don't make plans with me, I cut them loose, sometimes, without even telling them. I think this is lameo to the extreme. By employing any "test" like this, you're bound to fail because even the most awesome of chicks who are 150% relationship-worthy are going to fail one "test" or another. I know that I personally have yet to pay for everything within the first three dates, and I'm no gold digger. But I do contribute. How about looking at other ways she gives back to you. Maybe she pays for drinks at the bar while you wait (or afterward), or picks up cab fare, or the movie tickets, or something. That should be enough within those first three dates, IMHO. Once an exclusive relationship has been established, that's when I think it's fair to expect her to treat you now and again.
oppath Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I think this is lameo to the extreme. By employing any "test" like this, you're bound to fail because even the most awesome of chicks who are 150% relationship-worthy are going to fail one "test" or another. I know that I personally have yet to pay for everything within the first three dates, and I'm no gold digger. But I do contribute. How about looking at other ways she gives back to you. Maybe she pays for drinks at the bar while you wait (or afterward), or picks up cab fare, or the movie tickets, or something. That should be enough within those first three dates, IMHO. Once an exclusive relationship has been established, that's when I think it's fair to expect her to treat you now and again. Actually, what you state is what I meant. I want the small things. I overstated my point, it really is the small things. If I buy baseball tickets, pay for parking, and a round of drinks, I would like more than to share a popcorn. I'm a grad student; I'm poor. And I love it, absolutely love it, when after a date the girl emails me the next day and says "thanks, I had a great time last night." It is these things I look for early on, the small things that shows she is interested in getting to know me and is appreciative.
sexyvampire Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 are you sure he's single...he could be just keeping you just in case he won't have anyone else to go to. well, i guess just don't expect anything from him then and continue seeing other guys too. don't limit yourself to just him since you're not sure of his motive with you.
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