alasia Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Ok...I won't go into the details of my relationship with Phil, but if you want know the back story, just do a search on my username Not sure when I posted last, but I don't think I mentioned that he has me up in court for harassment next Thurs? This was after I'd stayed over at his house on the 24th May; we were 'intimate' but it was one of those weird, no feeling things. A complete mistake but it was good for me in a way, because this was the first time that sex with him has felt 'wrong'. It felt like I was sleeping with a complete stranger (which is something I never do), and I felt really uncomfortable. It helped me move on slightly. Anyway after that, my ex went all 'perfect dad' on me, saying he wanted he and I to stay friends, he wanted to be at our baby's birth, be there for his kids...etc. Sounded good but I wasn't sure what had caused the sudden change of heart, so I took it with as pinch of salt. Nonetheless, it made me feel better about not seeing him, and I made an effort to avoid him for as long as possible. Then he changed his shift at work without me knowing last tuesday, and ended up driving the bus I was due to catch. I decided to get on the bus as usual and ignore him. I managed that, then the next day I went to his place to drop off a cheque for some money I owed him. He was horrible, kept swearing at me and telling me to leave him alone while I was trying to explain something about the cheque, and as I walked away I heard him calling the police! He reported me for harassment, and due to our 'history', apparently they 'had' to arrest me. I'm due in court next Thursday, as I said. I have no idea why he acted the way he did when the previous week he'd been saying he wanted to stay on good terms. I could understand it if I'd bugged him for days after that but I deliberately avoided contact, and would have done for longer if he hadn't changed his shift that night. I was so depressed for a few days after that, but for the first time I'm finally feeling like I'm moving on and starting to get over him. I haven't seen him since the day of the arrest and I'm planning on keeping my distance after the court case is over (although I'm sure he'll get an injunction against me, because he's so good at convincing everyone that he's the victim) - but then I wonder if I really AM getting over him; maybe I'm just deluding myself? The reason I say this is that there are lots of times when I sit and think about our 'good times' (of which there weren't really that many) and how if we'd have tried again, we could have made the relationship work. I still feel like I want us to get back together, but at the same time I wouldn't want to bring up our baby with him. I can see that being together with a child would never work, and I can even see that however hard I worked at the relationship, it would still be doomed because he wouldn't work with me. He'd never change and I know I'd never be able to trust him - why is it I can see all this, yet I still want to get back with him?! Has anyone else had these contradictory feelings/thoughts, or am I going mad?
Starlight Starbright Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I get these moments of clarity when I KNOW my ex can never be the man I want/deserve. But then . . . I inevitably slip back into my fantasies. That's what I have to keep reminding myself. They are nothing more than fantasies . .that he can change, that we could live happily ever after if only he were to magically change. Just keep reminding yourself that you are in love with a man that doesn't exist. I do that...and I guess it kind of helps . . . ummmmmm . . . .kinda.
mammax3 Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I've had the same thoughts, or slips too with my H. He left me in my 8th month of pregnancy and with 2 young kids. He did attend our baby's birth, but he left the next day we got out of hospital. We haven't had the problems you breifly described, but I do know in my heart of hearts that he's not the man I need or deserve. Sometimes I'm struck with the realization that we'll never had what we once had and I'm very sad. But I realize that I thought he was a better man than he is - which isn't enough. Try to remind yourself the reasons he's not the man you need or deserve, feel the strength in yourself that you CAN do this on your own, and allow for the grief of ending this relationship - which is different than crying for the man or crying for yourself. It is hard, and there are slips... Good luck with the injunction.
tinke Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 read the book obsessive love (self-help), it's a good read and describes portions of what you had described. at some point, it will become clear to you that the relationship IS over and it has changed dynamics. it will not return to what you knew, too much pain has come in between. there is no way to convince someone to come back, they know how on their own accord. in the meantime, you are facing legalities over this situation. don't alllow someone to suck up your dignity. trust me, in months from now (give yourself time), you WILL NOT think or feel the same about this man and the relationship. given the time, the reality and pain will present itself and you will be able to make better decisions. take care of yourself.
dropdeadlegs Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Whether during or after the relationship ends, we all have had those kind of thoughts. "If only he/she had/hadn't....it could have worked." I know all about the background, and I think your Phil is Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I honestly think he uses you for sex and says nice things in order to get what he wants. I know you are pregnant, but I suggest staying totally away from him. I cannot imagine him ever being there for you or your child. Doesn't he drink quite a bit? Alcohol could be playing into his mood swings, too. Good luck in court and if he contacts you in the future, don't fall into his trap. It's not worth it. You can do better and deserve a man who will accept you and your baby and love you both. Phil doesn't.
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