passionpeach Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 My bf, now ex I guess, broke up with me lsat night. Guess I'm still in shock. He tells me it wasn't about the argument. Its all the arguments. I can understand that. But then he goes on about how he doesn't believe I really love him. I didn't say anything. And he talks for a long long time about how he can't do this anymore, all the fighting. And about how he's messed up in the head. And that he doens't want to end, but its for the best. I gotta find some where to live now. He said I could stay here til I find some where else to live, that he'd help me financially, or whatever.. I can't stay here. It hurts. I can't stop crying. It all looks exactly like it did when he used to love me. Now it's "bye walk, have a nice life". Kicked to the curb. Go figure. I'm really hurt. He was so angry yesterday that even when I tried to get things back to a normal conversation level (twice) he ignored it. That was 8 hours prior to the "breakup". Then implied this was all my fault. That if I'd understood him more then I would have let him have his idiosyncrosis, and not let them bother me. But I can't. I'm ok if he just does it a couple times, but three, four times a day for several days and I get upset about it. Not angry, just quiet. I'm really hurt. How'd I end up the bad guy in all this? He's quick to list off all the things he does for me, but doesn't seem to notice all the **** I did for him. And every solution to a problem we've had entailed me making sure he was happy first, and then he'd be able to give me a hug, or tell me I was pretty. But then in his "break up speech" he's going on and on about how he wasn't selfish, that he had needed my help and I hadn't been willing to give it (or something). I'm screwed up in the head right now. I don't want to break up. I know it's probably for the best. Feel like my hearts been shredded and handed back to me, and told to "be happy" and have a good life.. etc. whatever. Anyway, he's off with his friends and family (left me a note). My family left for vacation saturday, and won't be back for a month. I feel really alone. Misunderstood, unlistened to, and shoved away because I was hurt and it inconvienced someone else. You do not have to be to hard on yourself. You know people tend to turn the tables around whenever they want to get out of something just so that they will look good and you end up being the bad guy. Maybe your ex was not able to move on from your previous arguments but that does not give him the right to blame that all to you. Just try to understand that he was emotional when he said those things and just do not dwell on the pain that it caused. The more you scratch the wounds, the more they will hurt. Start moving on. Do something new. Get a haircut. Travel. Go shopping. Love yourself. You deserve a break and do not go nuts over what happened. It already happened and there is nothing much that you can do about it.
socialight Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 why walk decided to move in with this leach to begin with. Just goes to show that cohabitation before marriage, or atleast without marriage in clear view, is statistically a bad move.
hotgurl Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 why walk decided to move in with this leach to begin with. Just goes to show that cohabitation before marriage, or atleast without marriage in clear view, is statistically a bad move. because it would have been so much better if she married this guy.
sb129 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 why walk decided to move in with this leach to begin with. Just goes to show that cohabitation before marriage, or atleast without marriage in clear view, is statistically a bad move. And this is relevant how? I agree with Hotgurl. I am glad she didn't marry him. at least now she can get him out of her life. And if she hadn't moved in with him he may have kept up the nice guy, NPD facade until it was too late.
Author Walk Posted June 16, 2007 Author Posted June 16, 2007 What has happened Walk? Went back. Thanks for being so supportive. I know you (and everyone else on here) are trying to get me to see reason, and do something about it. I appreciate that.
Author Walk Posted June 16, 2007 Author Posted June 16, 2007 What, if anything, does he own up to as far as contributing to the failure of this relationship? And Walk, for that matter, what do you yourself own up to as being contributing factors to the disfunction in this relationship? Maybe I took your post wrong.. but I sent him a text after reading this (since he was at work) and explained what I felt I was "wrong" in doing, what I plan on doing about it, and that I was only saying it because I wanted to accept responsibility for my own dysfunctional behavior. Talked later. He said he didn't say he wasn't willing to change, only that he wasn't sure he could if when he brought up something calmly I still got defensive. That he needed my 'help' to resolve problems. Not that I had to solve the problems while he acted any way he wanted to. I'm giving three months to see effort and good faith in this agreement to both work on our problems. That would normally be 3 fights in that time period. Should be plenty of time to know whether honest effort is put forth, or if this is all a crock of shyt. If I'm the only one who changes, then I'm off. I've got shyt I still want to do with my life, and wasting it on someone who believes they are gods gift to the earth isn't one of them. ********* why walk decided to move in with this leach to begin with.. Where did you get "leach" from? He paid all the bills for 3 years straight. He's took 5 months off (which I pushed for), and has done 99% of the cooking, cleaning, and other chores around the house. I think I understand the sentiment behind your statement.. but it's really hard to take someone seriously when they're talking out their ass. Just goes to show that cohabitation before marriage, or atleast without marriage in clear view, is statistically a bad move. We planned on getting married. Even talked about it on numerous occasions. Your logic is flawed. Go home and rethink it.
Lishy Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Walk I am happy for you if you are happy sweetie! We are all here for you hon xx
Author Walk Posted June 16, 2007 Author Posted June 16, 2007 Walk I am happy for you if you are happy sweetie! We are all here for you hon xx Your Awesome Lishy! *Hug* this shocked me today, but my bf (out of the blue) started talking about how he's been reading articles on how to better control his temper, and how to communicate better when he does get angry. And not in a fake way, like "I'm reading stuff"... but he started talking about things he realized from reading the articles. Specific things in the article that he found enlightening and wanted to discuss with me. I'm going to see if he's open to the idea of doing some "together" exercises on how the two of us can help each other. I've read about a couple joint things that seemed like they'd be beneficial. Anyone have any suggestions?
Touche Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 I get laughed at on here all the time for suggesting this but when H and I went through a rough patch at the seven year mark, we worked on the exercises and read Dr. Phil's book called (I think) Relationship Rescue. It helped us. I suggest you give it a try. Sounds like maybe he's really open now and is accepting the idea that it's not ALL you. It's good that you put a time limit on this though or it could go on like this for years. Three months is plenty of time to know if this can be turned around or not.
alphamale Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 this shocked me today, but my bf (out of the blue) started talking about how he's been reading articles on how to better control his temper, and how to communicate better when he does get angry. And not in a fake way, like "I'm reading stuff"... this guy is bad news WALK...he's just pulling the wool over your eyes so you come back for another round. If you stay with him, one day he will either seriously hurt you or even kill you. This guys a bad seed. I suggest you stay away from him forever.
Lishy Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 this guy is bad news WALK...he's just pulling the wool over your eyes so you come back for another round. If you stay with him, one day he will either seriously hurt you or even kill you. This guys a bad seed. I suggest you stay away from him forever. I love telling ALPHA he is wrong - I cant say that this time, I am sorry Walk but I agree with Alpha I would love you to be able to see this through my eyes!
alasia Posted June 17, 2007 Posted June 17, 2007 this shocked me today, but my bf (out of the blue) started talking about how he's been reading articles on how to better control his temper, and how to communicate better when he does get angry. And not in a fake way, like "I'm reading stuff"... Ok I don't know you Walk, and I don't know the situation (just from reading this thread), but I'd say be careful. Remember to take everything your bf says with a large pinch of salt until you actually start seeing actions, not just words. From reading this thread and other's descriptions of people with NPD, it sounds a lot like my ex. He constantly blamed me for the relationship breaking down, his inadequacies - in fact the other day he was being horrible when I saw him, and said "you weren't always lilke this..." and he said that no, he's only been a d**k since he started going out with me. Truth is, I think he HAS been this self-obsessed, paranoid, passive-aggressive and unwilling to face up to his own failings all his life, it's just that he can't see it himself. Anyway about the making promises thing; I'm 7 months pregnant byu my ex, and I've lost count of the amount of times I've believed his bull (he probably believed it himself too, at the time; I don't know) and gone around to people, saying "this time it's different..." he's showing a real interest in the baby...said he still loves me and wants to get back together....told me he realilsed I'm right and he's had an epiphany - he SHOULD and DOES want to be involved in his children's lives...everytime he's sounded so convincing but they've all turned out to be false promises. Having said that though; I developed 'anger issues' when I was with my ex and I told him I'd change...and meant it. We'd split up by then though and he said it was too late but I would have at least attempted some kind of relationship or anger counselling to make things work with him, because I cared about him so much. So your ex COULD be genuine. Just take care and don't be too quick to believe it (hate to sound so negative!).
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