kittensmittens Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 As some of you may already know, I've been dealing w/ jealousy and insecurity issues in my relationship w/ my bf. I've been dealing w/ these issues as well as some others and resolved to change finally after being the way I've been for several years now. I've been doing really well so far, if I do say so myself, but it's only NOW that I'm really seeing what I'm NOT contributing to this relationship in the way of unhappiness. In short, I am seeing now that my bf is emotionally manipulative, passive aggressive, and....going right along w/ those things.....lying. I realized what I need to deal w/ as far as the jealousy is concerned. However, I was still having problems in the porn department so I talked to lots of different guys before taking it to my bf, and have come to the conclusion that it is indeed possible for a guy to give up porn. When we started dating he announced (unprompted by me) that he deleted it off of his computer because I was "all he needed" (his words). Then a couple years later I found it in the history on my computer. He said he had only been looking at it for a couple of weeks b/c things had been bad. Then it came back out again when we broke up about a year later, then again during some more bad times fairly recently. Instead of freaking out on him this last time--as I would have done in the past--I made it VERY CLEAR that I was NOT attempting to control him and asked him to please respect my feelings and not look at it--since being more respectful is something I have also been working hard at. I explained to him that it upsets me enough that it feels like cheating, but still gave him the opportunity to be honest w/ me. He told me he "completely understood" how I feel and that he wouldn't look at it anymore. I was actually so relieved at this answer I cried! (we've been through a lot on this topic). So it should have ended THERE. But he was lying. I keep finding small clues that he's lying about this and has been lying throughout our relationship. But when I question him about it....I just get some story that doesn't quite add up or "I don't know what that is". I have been trying soooo hard to give him the benefit of the doubt but I kept getting this sinking feeling in my gut. I finally checked the computer one day after being out of town and I know now he's been lying and has been lying to me all along. He was also pretty ugly during our last break up and called up his old f*ck buddy from way back in highschool (who lives in our town now) to "hang out w/". I know it was a move intended to hurt me at that time and extremely immature. When we got back together I asked him if he had slept w/ her and he said no and that she, in fact, hooked up w/ our neighbor. It seemed more likely that he would have slept w/ her, but I chose to accept this answer completely. We were only apart for 3 weeks, so I would be extremely hurt if he did, (since I would never run out and sleep w/ someone right away like that) but now I'm having my doubts. I'm begining to feel like so many things he has told me have been lies. I don't know what to do. I know even if he DID sleep w/ her, it was while we were broken up, so it's not like he cheated. But if he did, he lied about it. I know that he lied about "just porn". But I still made my feelings clear to him and have asked him to respect my feelings, which he is not doing, thereby he is not respecting me. I've pushed myself so hard to change things about myself out of respect for him, so I find this very insulting. I also feel like my intelligence is being insulted with his dumb lies that don't add up. And the worst part is the WAY he lies. The last time I caught him in a lie (but never actually accused him of lying) he threatend to leave me saying "see, you don't really trust me, you said you would, but obviously you don't". In the end, I was the one apologizing and pleading w/ him not to leave! He has always turned the guilt on me. Now that I know he's lying, this makes me really REALLY angry. And it makes him a MANIPUALITVE liar. And there are other small things he has told me (unprompted) that I have come to find are untrue. I haven't confronted him about any of this yet. He still thinks he's getting away with lying to me and that I'm going along trusting him completely. But I can't pretend forever. I'm going to have to confront him. But how? And is this enough to leave him?? THAT is what I just don't know. I do know that I still love him very much. He is not an entirely bad person, as much as it may sound that way, and I know he loves me. I don't want to leave him, but I don't know how else to demand the respect I deserve. I'm still unsure if I'm making too much of all this and I don't even know how to approach him. Do I put my foot down and let him know how angry this makes me and then leave? Do I ask him what's going on...why he's looking at it, why (and if) he lied about other things, and listen w/ empathy instead of anger? The latter is what I would prefer, but w/ the manipulation I don't want to leave myself wide open for more... He does come from a very troubled background, so I can see very cleary how he would have had to resort to this kind of behavior to survive in the environment he grew up in and he is also a very insecure person himself. But I have to be careful not to excuse his behavior just because I'm capable of feeling compassion for him. Agh! I just really don't know how to handle this situation...
Mr. Lucky Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 In short, I am seeing now that my bf is emotionally manipulative, passive aggressive, and....going right along w/ those things.....lying. Agh! I just really don't know how to handle this situation... Doesn't your first statement give you the answer to your second ? Simply put, why would you even consider staying in a relationship with someone that you decribe that way? Mr. Lucky
Author kittensmittens Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 why would you even consider staying in a relationship with someone that you decribe that way? Because I don't believe he is doing these things with mailicious intent. In fact, I'm not even sure if he's consciously aware of the passive aggressive and manipulative behavior. Like I said, he comes from a really troubled background and I believe he just learned to get his needs met this way since he was little. I haven't been aware that this was occurring in our R until recently and I see now how I have enabled this behavior to continue. But I don't know if these are things that are "fixable"--since this is someone I love very much--or if I'm just wasting my time. As for the lying...I'm not sure about that either because, like I said, it's about "just porn", as well as other things that I'm not sure if I should get worked up about. I know there are guys out there who would lie about porn who aren't all bad. However, it is still lying. So I don't know how to go about confronting him about it or if it's serious enough to leave. If he were lying about cheating, or having a wife and 8 kids stashed away somewhere.....there would be no question. But this one's a little more difficult for me.
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